So this year has not gone like I had hoped so far. I know it is only August but it is in fact August, which in and of itself presents some problems. I have found myself second guessing and wondering what in the HELL the plan is. I know God has a plan for me but maybe just a little hint wouldn't hurt?
There doesn't seem to be a end to this ride that I am on. 2 year and 8 months ago I was laid off from my RV factory where I loved the people and even on its bad days I would still be there today if things had worked out differently there. I temped and worked when I could/where I could for over a year, then took at job at Masterson Chiropractic, then last October my worst nightmare came true and I was once again laid off, because I was the newest member of the staff. Now I temp when I can, yet I wait to see if there is a job out there for me.
My relationship has hit a place that I am not liking where we are forced to question if we are going to be able to make it. He as also lost his job and paying the bills is nearly impossible to do. I do not get over political on here because I know there a lot of people who don't agree with me, although I am open for debate, but my unemployment has run out and I am staring at a stack of bills that just don't seem to be paying themselves. We are taking it one day at a time but it is very one day at a time and as of this moment I don't know where we are at. **sigh**
Family has been full of events too. For the few of you who don't know I live with my grandparents to help when I can with house work and dealing with daily doctors appointments for my grandfather. He has spent several days in the hospital this year because of heart related issues. Currently we are waiting on a consultation for a new heart valve because he has one that leaks. he actually has 2 that leak but the doctors seem to think that if they fix the one that is leaking the most the other one will take care of itself. It will be two weeks before we know for sure what all is going on there and the doctor can read all of the lab results.
Yesterday Grandma and I made the mistake of going to the animal shelter to "look" at puppies and one seems to have come home with us, Abby. She is super cute and clearly grandma's dog. If you know the drama Princess has caused this is a really good thing. Right now Abby is in bed with grandma because it is past her bed time and they are both sleeping. I will post a picture of your new pet family soon. Princess is having some issues because she has been an only pet child for a very long time so this will be a challenge for her.
So that pretty much sums up what is going on here. I will write a more coherent post later but this was just a highlight reel.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Monday, December 28, 2009
2009 In Review
If there are still any readers to this YES I know it has been a long while since I have written anything here. It is because the last year and a half have been rough for me. Let me give you the highlight reel. In January 2008 I lost my job at Ameri-Camp and the company closed down. I have had a series of temp jobs that have allowed me to learn new things that I never thought I would need to know. Rob and I have had our fair share of ups and downs and we are working toward a more stable future whatever that may be. We have dreams but defining them and finding a way to manage them all seems to be where we find many of out stumbling blocks. I know that it isn't going to be easy and we don't right now know what the next five weeks hold for the two of us not to mention the next five years. I took what I thought was a perminate job at a local chiropractors office only to be laid off seven months later which is frustrating. Since October of this year I have once again been looking for work in any form. So far no luck but I am choosing to believe that 2010 will be a turning point for me and my career.
I hope everyone out there had a good Christmas and has some wonderful plans for the new year. I hope to write here again soon.
I hope everyone out there had a good Christmas and has some wonderful plans for the new year. I hope to write here again soon.
Friday, September 05, 2008
ALONE
All alone in a room full of people I wonder what has happened to the woman that I promised myself I would become. In some ways over the last few months I feel like I have lost her. There has been a huge hole growing in my heart, soul, and life and that hole is me.
Lost her in the crazy spin that is relationships and career choices and everything else that a person is ‘supposed’ to be. The very idea makes me sick to know. I have lost relationships that meant so much to me and it kills me inside to know that at the end of the day that is my fault and no one else’s because either I didn’t try hard enough or I tried too hard. Ownership isn’t something I have been good at either but I will own this and learn from it no matter what.
One afternoon I woke up in this place. Trying to find the person that I wanted to be or the person that I want to be and then trying to figure out what to do with her once I find her again. That strong person who never shoed emotins left and then the girl who shows what she is feeling and then bam doors slam and relationships end without much warning at all.
Now I am working toward whatever there is out there and I hope so much that I find it soon. I do not know what the future holds no matter how hard I beg God to let me see it and show me where to go from here. I have heard a lot of people tell me how in time I will know, trust, and everything will work itself out and more and more everyday I find it hard to believe.
Everyone has an opinion on how to help and yet I feel alone. A room full of people and I am ALONE and I hate it. In a room by myself I am ALONE and I hate that too. Where does life go from here, I don’t know and I hate that. Not knowing is not something I do real well it ranks right up there with being patient. So tonight I will go for a walk and I will think about the choices I have made and what will become of them and think about fixing some other things if it’s at all possible.
Lost her in the crazy spin that is relationships and career choices and everything else that a person is ‘supposed’ to be. The very idea makes me sick to know. I have lost relationships that meant so much to me and it kills me inside to know that at the end of the day that is my fault and no one else’s because either I didn’t try hard enough or I tried too hard. Ownership isn’t something I have been good at either but I will own this and learn from it no matter what.
One afternoon I woke up in this place. Trying to find the person that I wanted to be or the person that I want to be and then trying to figure out what to do with her once I find her again. That strong person who never shoed emotins left and then the girl who shows what she is feeling and then bam doors slam and relationships end without much warning at all.
Now I am working toward whatever there is out there and I hope so much that I find it soon. I do not know what the future holds no matter how hard I beg God to let me see it and show me where to go from here. I have heard a lot of people tell me how in time I will know, trust, and everything will work itself out and more and more everyday I find it hard to believe.
Everyone has an opinion on how to help and yet I feel alone. A room full of people and I am ALONE and I hate it. In a room by myself I am ALONE and I hate that too. Where does life go from here, I don’t know and I hate that. Not knowing is not something I do real well it ranks right up there with being patient. So tonight I will go for a walk and I will think about the choices I have made and what will become of them and think about fixing some other things if it’s at all possible.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Time
It has been a LONG time since I have written anything here. There are those who never read this myself included. I use this area to write what I am thinking or feeling and I haven't done anything for a long time so here is an abbreviated catch up.
Rob and I are still together but to be honest it is touch and go as time goes by. I hope that things will work out but at the moment the questions seem to come at a much faster rate than the answers. Our relationship has a lot of issues but it doesn't mean it is over but I am struggling. We are coming up on 5 years and commitment is minimal at best which makes me believe that perhaps it isn't going like I would like it to.
My faith is struggling and that is a huge understatement. I would love to say that my faith is at the top of my list but it isn't and it hasn't been in years. I miss the relationships from church and from other believers and it isn't that I don't believe in God it is that I don't know where I want/need it to react with my 'life.'
My job is over. In late Jan. I was laid off from RVME d/b/a Ameri-Camp and it was an earth shattering day in my life I won't lie. Not having a job has created a lot of issues for me personally. I miss working and I will work again soon but the job hunt is very difficult and with the job market in the tank there isn't anything more I could be doing I think.
Sigh
Rob and I are still together but to be honest it is touch and go as time goes by. I hope that things will work out but at the moment the questions seem to come at a much faster rate than the answers. Our relationship has a lot of issues but it doesn't mean it is over but I am struggling. We are coming up on 5 years and commitment is minimal at best which makes me believe that perhaps it isn't going like I would like it to.
My faith is struggling and that is a huge understatement. I would love to say that my faith is at the top of my list but it isn't and it hasn't been in years. I miss the relationships from church and from other believers and it isn't that I don't believe in God it is that I don't know where I want/need it to react with my 'life.'
My job is over. In late Jan. I was laid off from RVME d/b/a Ameri-Camp and it was an earth shattering day in my life I won't lie. Not having a job has created a lot of issues for me personally. I miss working and I will work again soon but the job hunt is very difficult and with the job market in the tank there isn't anything more I could be doing I think.
Sigh
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Off to the Races Again
Where to go next…
Life has this funny way of kicking you in the butt when you think you are finally starting to pull things together. It is amazing how every now and then God has to remind you that He is in charge even when you are out doing whatever it is you will do.
Today the news that we have been somewhat optimistic wouldn’t come. The place I work at is planning an unplanned shut down for two weeks and although I may get to come to work for part of those two weeks the long term viability is not very good overall for my career.
There are those who know that I am looking for a new job, but even that is hard for me. I have never been one to job hop. I worked at Marsh for nearly eight years and rode it out through the bankruptcy and everything. Then one day over a year ago I decided that it was time to go and I did. There were days that I regret that but as I get closer and closer to the holiday season I am glad I made the choice I did. I get to go to family functions and eat at a normal time. I can join the Christmas crowds at the mall if I so choose. It has been a very welcome change of pace.
But now it is looking like my job is in jeopardy and now I start looking for a new job and that is very difficult for me to do. The last job search did not go well, but did end will. It was that period of no knowing what on earth to do or where to go and live. This is still a part of me that wants to go to Salt Lake City and I love it there and I could be happy there. Do I want to move there and risk ending a 4 year relationship with a man that I could very easily see myself spending the rest of my life with?
Life is all about the different steps you take and the path that you use to get there. We all have our own paths although the goal is generally the same we want to end up in Heaven when our journey down this path comes to an end.
On that note, I would be wrong not to mention that just over a week ago my roommate from my freshman year of college at Taylor University Fort Wayne, Katie Broecker, passed away in Haiti where she was on the missions field. It has been a long time since Katie and lived together almost 6 years but the memories are good and the time was fun. Packing all of our stuff into the little room they referred to as our dorm room. We moved in both enrolling late we ended up across the hall from the laundry room, which for me at least ended up working out quite well.
We will miss you Katie but someday we will see you again.
Life has this funny way of kicking you in the butt when you think you are finally starting to pull things together. It is amazing how every now and then God has to remind you that He is in charge even when you are out doing whatever it is you will do.
Today the news that we have been somewhat optimistic wouldn’t come. The place I work at is planning an unplanned shut down for two weeks and although I may get to come to work for part of those two weeks the long term viability is not very good overall for my career.
There are those who know that I am looking for a new job, but even that is hard for me. I have never been one to job hop. I worked at Marsh for nearly eight years and rode it out through the bankruptcy and everything. Then one day over a year ago I decided that it was time to go and I did. There were days that I regret that but as I get closer and closer to the holiday season I am glad I made the choice I did. I get to go to family functions and eat at a normal time. I can join the Christmas crowds at the mall if I so choose. It has been a very welcome change of pace.
But now it is looking like my job is in jeopardy and now I start looking for a new job and that is very difficult for me to do. The last job search did not go well, but did end will. It was that period of no knowing what on earth to do or where to go and live. This is still a part of me that wants to go to Salt Lake City and I love it there and I could be happy there. Do I want to move there and risk ending a 4 year relationship with a man that I could very easily see myself spending the rest of my life with?
Life is all about the different steps you take and the path that you use to get there. We all have our own paths although the goal is generally the same we want to end up in Heaven when our journey down this path comes to an end.
On that note, I would be wrong not to mention that just over a week ago my roommate from my freshman year of college at Taylor University Fort Wayne, Katie Broecker, passed away in Haiti where she was on the missions field. It has been a long time since Katie and lived together almost 6 years but the memories are good and the time was fun. Packing all of our stuff into the little room they referred to as our dorm room. We moved in both enrolling late we ended up across the hall from the laundry room, which for me at least ended up working out quite well.
We will miss you Katie but someday we will see you again.
Friday, August 10, 2007
A week of Change
This week is a rough one for me. Job uncertainty and a shift if goals has made it very difficult to deal with. No matter the circumstances there is always a way to get through it but it still hurts.
I am not starting to look for jobs in Fort Wayne again so that I can be closer to Rob and start working toward setting an official date and all of that good stuff. The next few weeks will be a test of strength for me. It will at least 3 weeks before I see Rob again and as we grow closer the longer and longer gaps seem to hurt more and more. I am not one of those girls who needs a man to complete me but it just seems that is exactly what Rob is doing. Wow how much can change in a year.
A year ago I was unsure if I even wanted to consider a long term relationship all that happens is heartbreak and anger, at least in all the ones I have been in. Then I realized they were unhealthy because I let them be that way and now that I am more secure in who I am and where I may or may not be headed and I await the ride.
This week I will go shopping for bridesmaid dresses for my cousin, Staci's wedding and prepare for changes in her life over the next year, especially the next six months. I am so excited for her it will be a blast.
Saturday is Eric and Mel's wedding if I can find the place. Thanks for the great directions guys really, but I can get lost with the best maps so it will be an adventure just getting there. I am excited for them even though it makes Eric my first close high school friend to make the leap into married life. This just shows that life is changes and the world is different for all of us, thank the Lord.
Change is a good thing no matter how much we don't want it sometimes. To be honest the job thing scares me half to death but it will be okay and I am ready for the journey of looking again. This time I won't quit until I have another one though.
I am not starting to look for jobs in Fort Wayne again so that I can be closer to Rob and start working toward setting an official date and all of that good stuff. The next few weeks will be a test of strength for me. It will at least 3 weeks before I see Rob again and as we grow closer the longer and longer gaps seem to hurt more and more. I am not one of those girls who needs a man to complete me but it just seems that is exactly what Rob is doing. Wow how much can change in a year.
A year ago I was unsure if I even wanted to consider a long term relationship all that happens is heartbreak and anger, at least in all the ones I have been in. Then I realized they were unhealthy because I let them be that way and now that I am more secure in who I am and where I may or may not be headed and I await the ride.
This week I will go shopping for bridesmaid dresses for my cousin, Staci's wedding and prepare for changes in her life over the next year, especially the next six months. I am so excited for her it will be a blast.
Saturday is Eric and Mel's wedding if I can find the place. Thanks for the great directions guys really, but I can get lost with the best maps so it will be an adventure just getting there. I am excited for them even though it makes Eric my first close high school friend to make the leap into married life. This just shows that life is changes and the world is different for all of us, thank the Lord.
Change is a good thing no matter how much we don't want it sometimes. To be honest the job thing scares me half to death but it will be okay and I am ready for the journey of looking again. This time I won't quit until I have another one though.
Monday, July 30, 2007
WOW
So yesterday I sat in church, for what I will be honest is the first time in months to talk with old friends and have laughs.
I didn't go as well as one would hope but it wasn't horrible. My home church and the on place that I should feel safe just isn't what it should/used to be. I mean with all the controversy that is surrounding it, it is hard to consider it home. I choose to think that what is being done is false and it will all be sorted out in the end but until then one may never know....
Anyway...I am good life is okay and I will write more later.
I didn't go as well as one would hope but it wasn't horrible. My home church and the on place that I should feel safe just isn't what it should/used to be. I mean with all the controversy that is surrounding it, it is hard to consider it home. I choose to think that what is being done is false and it will all be sorted out in the end but until then one may never know....
Anyway...I am good life is okay and I will write more later.
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