A good night

So here I am sitting in my bed with nothing but a big old grin on my face. tonight was a night of learning how to deal with what I don't have and also seeing that it is out there for me.

I went to Courthouse Coffee with Eric and his girlfriend Mel. She was very nice, but I have to admit that she seems to remind me a whole lot of myself on many levels. We talked about everything, school, work, religion, church politics, and just about anything else that we could come up with.

I drank coffee and wasted a Friday night just like the way things used to be and it felt wonderful. I know that there are times that I feel like I don't have anything to lay claim to but in reality I do. I have great friends like Eric who aren't going anywhere no matter what I do or how stupid it may seem. I am in a relationship that has some serious potential but I am also willing to admit that it may not work and if it does it will be because we have put so much work into it.

My new job isn't bad, however, it isn't what I want to do and I wish I could get a place in Fort Wayne where I could live comfortably and be happy and most importantly away from my mother but so far no luck on that front. I know that these things will come but right now they seem so far away.

Well all I need to sleep a bit.

Changes

So life is all about things changing and there are times that it hurts to know that everything around you in changing even on small levels yet still it happens.

I got a phone call, one I knew was coming sooner or later but it still showed me what I lack when it comes to my age and where I am headed in my life. Elaina is having a baby and I am so happy for her but still here I sit unable to decided on a relationship, childless, and still in school. I work in a grocery store so my 'personal' life is now pretty much nonexistent when it comes to that.

There are things I want that I see those around me getting and it hurts. I know I shouldn't be jealous and really I'm not, I'm so happy for them and all the things that they have. They just choose different roads to getting them than I did and on a learning curve prospective I am 'running behind' those who are in the same group I am.

So what am I babbling about I don't really know. I just want to grow up and be like all the other kids and yet I am still very much me and very much alone.

In other news family reunion went off with slightly less drama than normal. No one screamed, and the food wasn't to bad. My grandma is still a nag and great grandma is crazy but I knew that going into the deal so no real shocks there. Got to see my cuz even though just for a few minutes, I sure do love her and miss her something awful.

Everyone have a good night.

3:43 Am

I sit here a long time between post and I am forced to ponder a question. Where the heck did my childhood go? I turn 24 today therefore I am no longer a teenager nor am I traditional college student. I'm not living a family life nor do I see one in my immediate future although there was a time not to long ago that I did.

So today I am one year older...No big deal this is just another in a long line of birthdays that I have known were coming sooner or later. I will go to work, just like any other day and I will get frustrated.

Where am I in life...WOW good question. I am sure I will ponder it out in its entirety sooner or later.

Hmm

Okay so I am not so great at keeping this thing up to date. I know that I'm not sure sometimes even why I keep it up and running. I started my blog just over a year ago and it has has had many different moments on it over that time. I have started and ended more than one relationship. I have started and ended one relationship many times. I have complained about work, written about church functions or church problems, I have vented anger and I have rejoiced. Isn't it amazing what going through and reading your own words can do to make you realize that even when you are down you are okay and life will sooner or later go on. A year later I am glad that I have this place to communicate with others even if those others may only be my cousin and few close college friends that have the web link.

In other news I finally got a job and a place to live, it isn't however how I planned all along for it to be. I am living with my grandma and grandpa Bales, my other grandparents don't know because they will feel that I somehow choose my moms parents over them and there will be a lot of drama that goes with it when all of that comes out.

I work for Marsh (I know, I know) I will be their assistant office manager in a few weeks, but I start training on Monday and I am so excited. I get a pay raise, a new name tag (not a big deal to some but at Marsh this is important), and to learn how to do all of the office functions of the store and I get health insurance again. The hours will be a bit crazy for a while but I am sure I will get used to it.

I finally used the L-word and meant it when I was talking to someone who means the world to me and I am so happy that I did. Was I scared and did I nearly have a panic attack, yes, but in the end it was just what both of us needed to know from each other. It is nice to be wanted and to be loved by someone who doesn't care about all of the family crap and can help make you sane while you are trying to deal with it alone. This isn't to say that the family crap doesn't get on their nerves but they know that they don't have to live with it every day, well at least not yet anyway, wink wink.

I am doing good and am looking forward to the next week. Everyone have a great night.

Its been a while

I don't really have news to post here but I thought I would create some form of an update for those of you that read this.

I got new glasses which are nice becuase I can see what it is I am doing, a nice change of pact I must admit. I went to my aunt and uncles and used their much faster much nicer internet conection to get my new class set up. I did get and A in Stats class.

I am not moving to Fort Wayne right now which stinks but I am sure I will be okay.

Now What do You do with This

Some times I realize that God has a such a sense of humor that makes you sit back and laugh and/or roll your eyes when you know that this once at least this once God was right. I still don't have a place to live in Fort Wayne which is frustrating but I am sure that I will have a place sooner or later.

I know that moving there will be good for me and for my family although I know that there are family members that I will miss even more than I do now. I miss Staci already I got to see her last night which was fun and funny at the same time. I got to sit across the room most literally and chat with her online. I hate to say it but aunt and uncle are two of the fakest people that I have ever met.

My cousin made a comment that we were twin separated at birth. There is the whole age difference thing and the whole two different birthdays thing but we are so much alike that at times it is scary to say the least. There is a lot more to say here but I will make sure to cover it later.

Stepping out

Stepping out of my comfort zone isn't something I am good at to say the least, but tonight I am going to do it.

In other news I bought a new computer that works right...woohoo I'm so excited.

This week hasn't been easy on me at all. Between all of job interviews, family issues (which we always have), work, school, and about everything else that you can come up with I am forced to end one relationship in order to continue another one.

This week I called it off with Rob and I have to tell you that it hurt. I really like his boys and I really like him however as a result he isn't as available as I need him to be for me. I have been dating both guys for a couple of months now and have discovered that Tadd has so much more to offer me that I need right now. I don't doubt that Rob has all of these things as well he simply isn't in a place where he can put it all out there for me like I need.

I am looking forward to dating Tadd exclusively and seeing if there is anything there that can be cultivated to a 'higher' form of a relationship. I am stressed out because it is tough to stop dating someone that I have grown attached to over the last few months but I am also excited about what has started between Tadd and I. Here goes nothing.

Vacation

I left 2 days late and returned 3 days early yet I feel as though over all vacation was a success. My family didn't kill each other or anyone else for that matter however there were several things missing from this trip that have been there all along for so many years.

1. My grandparents--They were unable to join us this year because of illness that has recently over taken their household. It is hard to say if there will be a next year however the question quickly becomes will they be joining those who choose to go.

2. My cousin Staci--I love her so much and I missed her all week, well at least the part that I was there for. This trip was the time she and I sat aside to really bond with each other again. We are both leading very different lives and now we struggle to even set a coffee date. I don't know what the next few years in either one of our lives holds and that is even more difficult for me to deal with than I believe she even realizes. I have had several attempts at moving out and to be overly honest they have always worried me because of the likelihood that we will grow even further apart.

3. Mass craziness--this trip lacked all of those things that have made our family what it is, a bunch of nuts attempting to pretend that nothing is wrong and that the things that go on within it are normal. I mean my aunt and uncle had their, we miss our kids face on, which translates into we miss Stephen, I'm no dummy I know how it works. My mom pretended to be upset with me before they left that I wasn't coming up right away and did an even worse job when I went to head back home.

I know that this is a changing of the guard of sorts but it is still strange. I don't know about Staci but for me it is life changing to draw lines and then amazingly enough sticking to them once they are drawn.

wow what a difference a week makes.

The Thought

After my last post my cousin posted a comment. I love comments and sometimes they really move me.

"but it's kind of sad it's ending, even though the last few years have been more frustrating than good. I think I'll mostly miss a week to actually hang out with you, since that's one of the few times we get to. Life happens. I think I'd like to take my kids there someday (just maybe without their grandparents on their mother's side ;-) -staci"

As far as the ending of the trip being sad it is true. Silver Lake has strangely been the only thing that has been constant among our family even in all of the disfunctionalism. We as a family would make one heck of a case study for many different psychology, sociology, family studies, or any other class that truly needs an example of how not to do things in their own lives. The problem is Staci and I have been part of this running experiment and we seemed to finally pull ourselves away from the craziness but our brothers have not faired so well.

I was looking forward to spending the time with Staci for a week. I love her so much and yet I never get to see her. As our lives have started into "adulthood" if you will it has only gotten worse. When we were younger our parents would keep us apart, by our parents I mean her parent, who didn't care for me and at times I wonder if she does even now. Now we are old enough to do things and spend time together but we have classes and work and all of that other stuff we so commonly refer to as life and as a result in many ways we have grown closer together while growing further and further apart. I love that girl, I hope she knows that and no matter what she will always have a place to sleep at my place even if it is the couch.

I believe my children and I will go to Silver Lake as well. Maybe not for 9 days at a time and maybe not with the whole family but we will go. Silver Lake has so many stories and good times that go with it even with the all of the problems. Anyone recall a year where someone (me) hit a tree in the camp ground, or maybe there was a pair of glasses lost in the lake, perhaps Bethaney was attacked by the boat, interesting to think of all the good times and laughs that have come and gone with the trip. It is sad to think it is in many ways over now. I know I will remember the good times over the rougher and bad ones but it is still where we sit as the youngest grandchild starts his first job and I pack up to move to a different city. My how times have changed from those magnets on the side of grandma's fridge. We are all adults except for Stephen and he is quickly approaching it as well. My aunts, uncles, and mom are all in their 40s now and I am entering my mid 20s. One day refection will be sweet and happy but today it is different. This is it, we are growing up, and we will be okay no matter what happens over the next few months.

The whole family dynamic is changing and there doesn't seem to be much of anything that we can do about it. However I think any change in this family is good change.

The end of an era

A huge part of my 23 years on this earth has come to an end and not even in the manner that I thought it would. Our yearly family vacation to Silver Lake Michigan will no longer be a family vacation of sorts. My grandparents will not be joining us this year it is certain now. My cousin Staci isn't going. I am not going and if I do it will only be for a few days so now the great debate begins...Do they stay or do they go. I think we will go for a bit but I don't know for how many days.

After 23 years of drama, laughter, tubing, and duneing it is over, or at least it appears that way. I know that there will be time for fun and laughter later in life but it is hard to think that a 23 year tradition in my life has officially come to a close. We all knew this day was coming my grandparents have been taking trips up there since my dad was a small child but now it is over the year after year streak has come to an end.

In other news packing is finally starting to take shape and the idea that I will finally be out on my own and struggling makes me strangely happy. I know that there are times when I will want to come back to the 'safety' of home but home is anything but safe for me. I am overjoyed, scared to death, uncertain, ecstatic, and so many other things inside there is no complete way to describe it right now.

Today I sat down and worked through my budget and noticed very quickly that I can't afford to live away from here but I am going to make a go of it anyway. I am sure that God will provide and that it will be okay sooner or later. I am excited. Change is coming...How everyone takes it is their own business..

Home Again

After two weeks of living somewhere else I again find myself at home but this time it is different. I am sitting here working on my all of packing and job hunting stuff knowing that I will not be here very long and that in just a few short days I will walk out these doors with all of my stuff with the intention of not living here ever again. This is not to say that it will not happen but it is my goal to not live with my mother again. I am after all a 23 year-old college graduate that needs to be out on her own in order to survive.

As I sit in a room full of stuff and that is all it is just stuff I am forced to reflect on different things and try to get it all in order. I have learned a few things already. I have way to much stuff which I don't need. Money is important but it isn't everything. And that this will not be successful if I don't get on it right away, so with that I go to pack somemore then to Fort Wayne to attempt to find a job. Have a good day everyone.

The L word

You all know it is that word...The one word that will send me running faster than anything else in the world just because of all of the things that it includes in its meaning. I find myself in a dangerous place for me and I don't know what to do with it or the emotions that go with it.

I know that we have only been dating for a couple of months, well only since after Eric and I went our own separate ways for the last time, or at least what we believe is the last time.

The guy I am seeing is wonderful, treats me like a princess which is always nice and every girl needs a guy who will treat her like that but then what do you do when you (I) decide to move away from Warsaw and live with an long time friend for at least a year. Not that I think we will be getting married before a year is over but I will be living 40 miles away from here and we have problems scheduling around the 6 miles that currently separate us.

I have had several people ask me what my problem is the L word and I can't really pin point it, well I could but no one would understand it completely. There are so many things that go into being in L--- Sorry still can't bring myself to say it or type it but if you can read or if you have ever listened to music you know what it is.

I mean lets think about it...
I think I L--- you but what I am so afraid of...I'm afraid that I'm not sure of a L--- There is no cure for...
L Is for the way you look at me O is for the....
Can you feel the L--- tonight the peace the evening brings

Hollywood also contributes to the way people feel about L--- by writing and producing movies like When Harry Met Sally.

So where do I stand on the L word...I'm all for it but I don't know if I have it in me to proclaim it from the rooftops.

The Willows at Coventry

As you may guess by the title or maybe not, hard saying really, I have found an apartment and put the security deposit down on it. It is wonderful and I have a wonderful roommate, most people know her as the roommate I had in college, Bethaney, we are really looking forward to moving in in early July. We are both ready to make this transition to 'adulthood' as it were.

We each have our own room and the rent really isn't that unaffordable when there are two people living there. Now I am really cracking down on getting a job in Fort Wayne so that this move goes a lot smoother than it would if for some reason I am not able to find a job right away.

The complex has all kinds of wonderful amenities to offer us, swimming pool, fire place, hot tub, handyman, fully stocked fishing pond, just to name a few. I even think that once I give my mom directions she may be able to find it again. This also applies to my friends and other family members (sorry Staci).

There is a lot that will go into this moving including figuring out where my current relationship stands and if it would be best for us to call it off and just be friends or if we should make a go of it even during the move. I am hoping that he wants to try to make a go of it but it is hard saying really. I really like Tadd much more than I ever expected myself to, since he is no where near what I would consider my type, but I know moving 2 counties away may put a strain on what ever it is we are trying to build here.

There are other complications to the whole lets move to Fort Wayne thing but they are not serious and I know that we will be fine over all. My dads parents don't know what is going on yet because I have chosen to keep them out of the loop. They seem to create enough drama on their own without me telling them that I am moving away again and this time there is very little if anyway I am moving back in the near future. My mom parents don't know either because I am currently housesitting their house and they are off in AZ visiting grandpa's sister.

In other news:
--Kyle's graduation party was over all a success
--My mom is crazier than ever
--My grandma Wright is going to drive me over the edge it is a good thing that I work a lot
--I will get my car back before I move
--God is good and I know that we are doing the right thing

Everyone have a good night, I'm sure there will be more to come in the next couple weeks here.

2 very busy weeks

This has been 2 very busy weeks to say the least that all culminated today with the final major event.

On May 28 my best friend Sarah got married and that was rough for me. I watched her walk down the isle and I cried because it hurt and yet I was strangely happy. I know that this is what is best for her and I know she will be happy but it didn't make it hurt any less.

My brother graduated from high school on Friday and I was forced to sit through the commencement ceremony which may I say was horrible. Then today was his Open house which was also horrible because of the family and all of the pointless bickering and whinning.

My grandfather landed himself in the hospital late Thursday night and is still there today. He will be home tomorrow if all goes well and ultimately he will be fine but for now my grandmother is nothing but a drama queen. She has even started talking about not going on vacation which I think is a big load of crap.

I am stressed out but Bethaney will be here on Tuesday and we are going to go look for apartments so hopefully all will go well and I can put an end to this.

The Question

While having a fairly light hearted conversation with a guy that I am very interested in he posed a very interesting question:

Where were you 11 years ago?

First of all this question is important because of our difference in age and that is when he married his first wife. This caused me to think...Where was I 11 years ago.

--I was in the 6th grade and all of 12 years old...Wow how times have changed.
--There were several ways to describe me back then including but not limited to shy, quiet, impersonal, distant, secluded, shady, geek (of the bad variety), and uninformed.
--I was about 5'4" and not much taller than that
--I had just started middle school in a new building which were to be proud of the fact we would be the first class to go all the way through our grade school career's in three different buildings.
--The year was 1994, my parents marriage was on the rocks yet again.
--I had no idea what the future held (strange some things never change)
--I would hurt myself on purpose to try not to feel the emotional pain of what all was going on around me.

Wow 11 years is a long time yet in some ways I guess I am still living the 6th grade. Boys still frustrate me, the future still scares me, and for the most part I am still a geek.

Varied Emotions

In 48 hours my best friend from my childhood will walk down the isle. I am happy, I am sad but I now know why I have chosen to wait. It is days like today when I sit and think about it that I am happy for all of my friends that are happy but at the same time glad I am not them.

Okay now

I have started dating a good guy but I don't know what to expect. I don't expect perfection, well not really although there are times that it would be nice I have to admit. He is 31 years-old so for me nearly right in my age frame overall. He doesn't have children, different for me over all and he isn't even divorced he has never been married. Which makes him totally not my type at all.

I don't know what the future holds and I have started looking for a job someone and hopefully I will be getting that job quickly and will have a load of fun doing it. I love the idea of moving back to Fort Wayne so that is my goal now to move back there and start living my own life instead of the one that everyone feels that I should be living.

There are so many that feel like they can tell me where to go and what to do and I know full good and well that it is in my best interest to get away from here. I will be so much healthier and happier that way. So I will write more soon.

Have a good night.

Oh If I only knew where to go

OH man I don't have a lot to say right now but I will later....Have a good day.

Tick Tock

Would you look at this it is May 6th and I have no idea what the next few weeks hold for me or for those around me. How I plan on making different choices or more importantly how do I leave this place and not hurt inside. The clock is quickly ticking on the time that I have here and I have no idea where I am going when I am done here or where what exactly the next step is. It never stops amazing me that God knows the beginning from the end and yet we as humans often times refuse to listen to what He is saying to us when we need to hear it the most.

Today I cried which is different for me. The idea of another family vacation or week spent here at home hurts inside. I do love my family, most days, but if you don't know them you would understand. I have been blessed with one of the best cousins on earth but she is off making her own life which is wonderful for her and I am so proud of her she is a college sophomore now, wow when the heck did that happen? I remember when everyone was making a big deal out of the fact that she was learning to drive and that 2 of us would have our drivers licensees. Now all 4 grandchildren have them and are running ourselves from place to place and not having a clue of what each other is up to now.

A year ago I was worried about graduation from college and getting a new job and where my future was going to take me. I was concerned about telling Eric how I feel about him and how our friendship would change forever. I stressed out about money and where I would live. I didn't have a clue what the future really held and that was that. What is strange is that I am still worried about many of those things and still don't know exactly what to do with them all. I am finally starting to get some other job interviews which is good because of the many different changes that are taking place in my life right now.

So as the clock runs down on what I am doing now and where I am headed I am hopeful and I am positive yet I worry because I am human. So now I go to bed and try to get some sleep. Have a good night everyone.