All alone in a room full of people I wonder what has happened to the woman that I promised myself I would become. In some ways over the last few months I feel like I have lost her. There has been a huge hole growing in my heart, soul, and life and that hole is me.
Lost her in the crazy spin that is relationships and career choices and everything else that a person is ‘supposed’ to be. The very idea makes me sick to know. I have lost relationships that meant so much to me and it kills me inside to know that at the end of the day that is my fault and no one else’s because either I didn’t try hard enough or I tried too hard. Ownership isn’t something I have been good at either but I will own this and learn from it no matter what.
One afternoon I woke up in this place. Trying to find the person that I wanted to be or the person that I want to be and then trying to figure out what to do with her once I find her again. That strong person who never shoed emotins left and then the girl who shows what she is feeling and then bam doors slam and relationships end without much warning at all.
Now I am working toward whatever there is out there and I hope so much that I find it soon. I do not know what the future holds no matter how hard I beg God to let me see it and show me where to go from here. I have heard a lot of people tell me how in time I will know, trust, and everything will work itself out and more and more everyday I find it hard to believe.
Everyone has an opinion on how to help and yet I feel alone. A room full of people and I am ALONE and I hate it. In a room by myself I am ALONE and I hate that too. Where does life go from here, I don’t know and I hate that. Not knowing is not something I do real well it ranks right up there with being patient. So tonight I will go for a walk and I will think about the choices I have made and what will become of them and think about fixing some other things if it’s at all possible.
Friday, September 05, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Time
It has been a LONG time since I have written anything here. There are those who never read this myself included. I use this area to write what I am thinking or feeling and I haven't done anything for a long time so here is an abbreviated catch up.
Rob and I are still together but to be honest it is touch and go as time goes by. I hope that things will work out but at the moment the questions seem to come at a much faster rate than the answers. Our relationship has a lot of issues but it doesn't mean it is over but I am struggling. We are coming up on 5 years and commitment is minimal at best which makes me believe that perhaps it isn't going like I would like it to.
My faith is struggling and that is a huge understatement. I would love to say that my faith is at the top of my list but it isn't and it hasn't been in years. I miss the relationships from church and from other believers and it isn't that I don't believe in God it is that I don't know where I want/need it to react with my 'life.'
My job is over. In late Jan. I was laid off from RVME d/b/a Ameri-Camp and it was an earth shattering day in my life I won't lie. Not having a job has created a lot of issues for me personally. I miss working and I will work again soon but the job hunt is very difficult and with the job market in the tank there isn't anything more I could be doing I think.
Sigh
Rob and I are still together but to be honest it is touch and go as time goes by. I hope that things will work out but at the moment the questions seem to come at a much faster rate than the answers. Our relationship has a lot of issues but it doesn't mean it is over but I am struggling. We are coming up on 5 years and commitment is minimal at best which makes me believe that perhaps it isn't going like I would like it to.
My faith is struggling and that is a huge understatement. I would love to say that my faith is at the top of my list but it isn't and it hasn't been in years. I miss the relationships from church and from other believers and it isn't that I don't believe in God it is that I don't know where I want/need it to react with my 'life.'
My job is over. In late Jan. I was laid off from RVME d/b/a Ameri-Camp and it was an earth shattering day in my life I won't lie. Not having a job has created a lot of issues for me personally. I miss working and I will work again soon but the job hunt is very difficult and with the job market in the tank there isn't anything more I could be doing I think.
Sigh
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Off to the Races Again
Where to go next…
Life has this funny way of kicking you in the butt when you think you are finally starting to pull things together. It is amazing how every now and then God has to remind you that He is in charge even when you are out doing whatever it is you will do.
Today the news that we have been somewhat optimistic wouldn’t come. The place I work at is planning an unplanned shut down for two weeks and although I may get to come to work for part of those two weeks the long term viability is not very good overall for my career.
There are those who know that I am looking for a new job, but even that is hard for me. I have never been one to job hop. I worked at Marsh for nearly eight years and rode it out through the bankruptcy and everything. Then one day over a year ago I decided that it was time to go and I did. There were days that I regret that but as I get closer and closer to the holiday season I am glad I made the choice I did. I get to go to family functions and eat at a normal time. I can join the Christmas crowds at the mall if I so choose. It has been a very welcome change of pace.
But now it is looking like my job is in jeopardy and now I start looking for a new job and that is very difficult for me to do. The last job search did not go well, but did end will. It was that period of no knowing what on earth to do or where to go and live. This is still a part of me that wants to go to Salt Lake City and I love it there and I could be happy there. Do I want to move there and risk ending a 4 year relationship with a man that I could very easily see myself spending the rest of my life with?
Life is all about the different steps you take and the path that you use to get there. We all have our own paths although the goal is generally the same we want to end up in Heaven when our journey down this path comes to an end.
On that note, I would be wrong not to mention that just over a week ago my roommate from my freshman year of college at Taylor University Fort Wayne, Katie Broecker, passed away in Haiti where she was on the missions field. It has been a long time since Katie and lived together almost 6 years but the memories are good and the time was fun. Packing all of our stuff into the little room they referred to as our dorm room. We moved in both enrolling late we ended up across the hall from the laundry room, which for me at least ended up working out quite well.
We will miss you Katie but someday we will see you again.
Life has this funny way of kicking you in the butt when you think you are finally starting to pull things together. It is amazing how every now and then God has to remind you that He is in charge even when you are out doing whatever it is you will do.
Today the news that we have been somewhat optimistic wouldn’t come. The place I work at is planning an unplanned shut down for two weeks and although I may get to come to work for part of those two weeks the long term viability is not very good overall for my career.
There are those who know that I am looking for a new job, but even that is hard for me. I have never been one to job hop. I worked at Marsh for nearly eight years and rode it out through the bankruptcy and everything. Then one day over a year ago I decided that it was time to go and I did. There were days that I regret that but as I get closer and closer to the holiday season I am glad I made the choice I did. I get to go to family functions and eat at a normal time. I can join the Christmas crowds at the mall if I so choose. It has been a very welcome change of pace.
But now it is looking like my job is in jeopardy and now I start looking for a new job and that is very difficult for me to do. The last job search did not go well, but did end will. It was that period of no knowing what on earth to do or where to go and live. This is still a part of me that wants to go to Salt Lake City and I love it there and I could be happy there. Do I want to move there and risk ending a 4 year relationship with a man that I could very easily see myself spending the rest of my life with?
Life is all about the different steps you take and the path that you use to get there. We all have our own paths although the goal is generally the same we want to end up in Heaven when our journey down this path comes to an end.
On that note, I would be wrong not to mention that just over a week ago my roommate from my freshman year of college at Taylor University Fort Wayne, Katie Broecker, passed away in Haiti where she was on the missions field. It has been a long time since Katie and lived together almost 6 years but the memories are good and the time was fun. Packing all of our stuff into the little room they referred to as our dorm room. We moved in both enrolling late we ended up across the hall from the laundry room, which for me at least ended up working out quite well.
We will miss you Katie but someday we will see you again.
Friday, August 10, 2007
A week of Change
This week is a rough one for me. Job uncertainty and a shift if goals has made it very difficult to deal with. No matter the circumstances there is always a way to get through it but it still hurts.
I am not starting to look for jobs in Fort Wayne again so that I can be closer to Rob and start working toward setting an official date and all of that good stuff. The next few weeks will be a test of strength for me. It will at least 3 weeks before I see Rob again and as we grow closer the longer and longer gaps seem to hurt more and more. I am not one of those girls who needs a man to complete me but it just seems that is exactly what Rob is doing. Wow how much can change in a year.
A year ago I was unsure if I even wanted to consider a long term relationship all that happens is heartbreak and anger, at least in all the ones I have been in. Then I realized they were unhealthy because I let them be that way and now that I am more secure in who I am and where I may or may not be headed and I await the ride.
This week I will go shopping for bridesmaid dresses for my cousin, Staci's wedding and prepare for changes in her life over the next year, especially the next six months. I am so excited for her it will be a blast.
Saturday is Eric and Mel's wedding if I can find the place. Thanks for the great directions guys really, but I can get lost with the best maps so it will be an adventure just getting there. I am excited for them even though it makes Eric my first close high school friend to make the leap into married life. This just shows that life is changes and the world is different for all of us, thank the Lord.
Change is a good thing no matter how much we don't want it sometimes. To be honest the job thing scares me half to death but it will be okay and I am ready for the journey of looking again. This time I won't quit until I have another one though.
I am not starting to look for jobs in Fort Wayne again so that I can be closer to Rob and start working toward setting an official date and all of that good stuff. The next few weeks will be a test of strength for me. It will at least 3 weeks before I see Rob again and as we grow closer the longer and longer gaps seem to hurt more and more. I am not one of those girls who needs a man to complete me but it just seems that is exactly what Rob is doing. Wow how much can change in a year.
A year ago I was unsure if I even wanted to consider a long term relationship all that happens is heartbreak and anger, at least in all the ones I have been in. Then I realized they were unhealthy because I let them be that way and now that I am more secure in who I am and where I may or may not be headed and I await the ride.
This week I will go shopping for bridesmaid dresses for my cousin, Staci's wedding and prepare for changes in her life over the next year, especially the next six months. I am so excited for her it will be a blast.
Saturday is Eric and Mel's wedding if I can find the place. Thanks for the great directions guys really, but I can get lost with the best maps so it will be an adventure just getting there. I am excited for them even though it makes Eric my first close high school friend to make the leap into married life. This just shows that life is changes and the world is different for all of us, thank the Lord.
Change is a good thing no matter how much we don't want it sometimes. To be honest the job thing scares me half to death but it will be okay and I am ready for the journey of looking again. This time I won't quit until I have another one though.
Monday, July 30, 2007
WOW
So yesterday I sat in church, for what I will be honest is the first time in months to talk with old friends and have laughs.
I didn't go as well as one would hope but it wasn't horrible. My home church and the on place that I should feel safe just isn't what it should/used to be. I mean with all the controversy that is surrounding it, it is hard to consider it home. I choose to think that what is being done is false and it will all be sorted out in the end but until then one may never know....
Anyway...I am good life is okay and I will write more later.
I didn't go as well as one would hope but it wasn't horrible. My home church and the on place that I should feel safe just isn't what it should/used to be. I mean with all the controversy that is surrounding it, it is hard to consider it home. I choose to think that what is being done is false and it will all be sorted out in the end but until then one may never know....
Anyway...I am good life is okay and I will write more later.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
The Changes Keep Coming
The changes keep coming and coming. If I sit down and really think about it, it is hard to put my finger on it, but at some point over the past two or three years everything has changed and that has been rough to say the least.
Eric wrote about it the other day and his page and he is right which I don't say often so if you are reading this you had better mark the day. All of those 'old' friends that seem to be around all of the time are slowing sliding off into their own lives and for some life hasn't turned out quite like we all thought that it would. I mean I work as a receptionist at a trailer factory.
Eric works at Grace. I have to be honest in saying I have no idea where Bryon is now and now matter how large our differences I do still worry about him from time to time and wonder how his world is turning out.
Here is the thing. I often wonder what ever happened to many of my friends over time but as life has started to completely evolve there is more and more of a gap between who we are and where we are headed. I dare say that our religious views, political views, relationship views and general views on life have all evolved in some very different directions for some point. We may share some values but that doesn't make up cookie cutters of each other. There are some things that will forever bind up together if even in the past. Marching band, Road trips, bad dates, good dates, nights out on the town, an occasional smoke with friends, and drink, all these things that were done when we were much younger have worked toward making us who we are today no matter how much we don't like it.
Part of me does miss the 'good old days' if you will but the rest of me is really looking forward to life that is out ahead of me still. I am still looking for another job and am at a point where I welcome change even if it doesn't come in the way that I thought it would or I feel that should have. You never know what life has out there in front of you and for the most part it isn't what you thought it would be. I never talk to anyone who says ohhh yes this is exactly how I thought all of this would turn out and the path that it took to get here was smooth and marked.
I am only 25 and I know that there are so many more changes out ahead of me that will make things very different over time. Sooner or later I will have a new job, again, and I will welcome the change but I will also be scared to death when it happens. I do my best to be sure that I am not TOO comfortable with the things around me because if one thing stays the say it is that everything around me keeps changing.
Eric wrote about it the other day and his page and he is right which I don't say often so if you are reading this you had better mark the day. All of those 'old' friends that seem to be around all of the time are slowing sliding off into their own lives and for some life hasn't turned out quite like we all thought that it would. I mean I work as a receptionist at a trailer factory.
Eric works at Grace. I have to be honest in saying I have no idea where Bryon is now and now matter how large our differences I do still worry about him from time to time and wonder how his world is turning out.
Here is the thing. I often wonder what ever happened to many of my friends over time but as life has started to completely evolve there is more and more of a gap between who we are and where we are headed. I dare say that our religious views, political views, relationship views and general views on life have all evolved in some very different directions for some point. We may share some values but that doesn't make up cookie cutters of each other. There are some things that will forever bind up together if even in the past. Marching band, Road trips, bad dates, good dates, nights out on the town, an occasional smoke with friends, and drink, all these things that were done when we were much younger have worked toward making us who we are today no matter how much we don't like it.
Part of me does miss the 'good old days' if you will but the rest of me is really looking forward to life that is out ahead of me still. I am still looking for another job and am at a point where I welcome change even if it doesn't come in the way that I thought it would or I feel that should have. You never know what life has out there in front of you and for the most part it isn't what you thought it would be. I never talk to anyone who says ohhh yes this is exactly how I thought all of this would turn out and the path that it took to get here was smooth and marked.
I am only 25 and I know that there are so many more changes out ahead of me that will make things very different over time. Sooner or later I will have a new job, again, and I will welcome the change but I will also be scared to death when it happens. I do my best to be sure that I am not TOO comfortable with the things around me because if one thing stays the say it is that everything around me keeps changing.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Quick Notes
To say that emotionally I am spent would be under statement and that sucks for me because that is not a healthy place for someone who is as volatile as me to be. I know that I have to work everyday and keeping my head cool and not freaking out when it comes to getting things done and dealing with relationships and everything that goes with them.
Yesterday while sitting at a stop sign I saw him. Eric in the event someone reads this and doesn't know who he is. Just seeing him and waving at him made me happy to see that he is doing well and starting to live a normal life made me happier than it should have because I worry about him and what is going on in his life although I get the very clear impression that he could care less about me and what is going on in my life. I haven't spoken to him in months and as his wedding gets closer our contact will only get to be less and less I am sure. I miss him and yes a part of me still loves him to pieces I just want him to be happy that is all I want.
My cousin Staci is getting married and I am trying as hard as I can to be happy for her. I know it sounds crazy for me to say that I am totally jealous of her and her happiness. But I will get over it because I have to and I really should be so happy for her.
Rob and I are doing okay but like any relationship there are rocky spots that I don't know if I can handle but I will try if that is the last thing I do.
Talk to you all later.
Yesterday while sitting at a stop sign I saw him. Eric in the event someone reads this and doesn't know who he is. Just seeing him and waving at him made me happy to see that he is doing well and starting to live a normal life made me happier than it should have because I worry about him and what is going on in his life although I get the very clear impression that he could care less about me and what is going on in my life. I haven't spoken to him in months and as his wedding gets closer our contact will only get to be less and less I am sure. I miss him and yes a part of me still loves him to pieces I just want him to be happy that is all I want.
My cousin Staci is getting married and I am trying as hard as I can to be happy for her. I know it sounds crazy for me to say that I am totally jealous of her and her happiness. But I will get over it because I have to and I really should be so happy for her.
Rob and I are doing okay but like any relationship there are rocky spots that I don't know if I can handle but I will try if that is the last thing I do.
Talk to you all later.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
For those of you who don't know, which isn't many and I know that. I had minor surgery last week because I have HPV yes that nasty little virus they keep talking about on TV and I have to say that I don't like and I feel like crap over all.
Anyway life is good, I'm still at the plant and I don't know when that will change or anything but I will write more later.
Anyway life is good, I'm still at the plant and I don't know when that will change or anything but I will write more later.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Shooting. I know that everyone is talking about the fact the there was the worst shooting massacre yesterday on the Virginia Tech campus and I am saying with most that it is a horrible thing to have happen.
I spent 4 years on a campus with no major occurrences and now to know that what should be the safest place for you is the scene of a bloodbath is horrible. So many families woke up to day with a person missing from their lives and it is a gut wrenching feeling. Some don't know yet if their children, brothers, sisters made it out alive or not.
My heart reaches out for those in pain and every last person on the campus.
I spent 4 years on a campus with no major occurrences and now to know that what should be the safest place for you is the scene of a bloodbath is horrible. So many families woke up to day with a person missing from their lives and it is a gut wrenching feeling. Some don't know yet if their children, brothers, sisters made it out alive or not.
My heart reaches out for those in pain and every last person on the campus.
Friday, April 06, 2007
Short Catch Up
This last month has been rough for me at best. I am starting to realize that I may never get to leave Ameri-Camp which isn't all bad but it doesn't get me any closer to the job that I really want either. The idea of not being able to do what I studied so hard to do is very frustrating as one could tell. I just want to do the things that I really want to do. I studied and studied and now I have little to nothing to show for it. I mean I have a wonderful piece of paper but it doesn't get me any further in life it feels like.
Life has been good over all I am just frustrated I guess but life will go on and it will all work out of the better. Since I got my health insurance I have been making sure to get the most for the premiums that I pay each week. I mean I have been to more doctors since the insurance kicked in than I had been in months possibly even years since I am again walking in the world of the insured. I do feel better knowing that I am getting some of those little things that need to be taken care of done since you never know when you could be facing another challenge or another job change but worse things have happened you know.
My family is doing Easter and that should be pretty fun and relaxing. I have plans to go to church and spend time with a few old friends during the Easter holiday while trying to focus on the real meaning of the day, the day that Christ rose from the dead and forever changed the destiny of the world today. If HE hadn't died and rose we would be forever condemned to hell for the sins that have been committed. It is really amazing when you think about it. The very idea that HE saved us is wonderful.
Everyone have a wonderful Easter.
Life has been good over all I am just frustrated I guess but life will go on and it will all work out of the better. Since I got my health insurance I have been making sure to get the most for the premiums that I pay each week. I mean I have been to more doctors since the insurance kicked in than I had been in months possibly even years since I am again walking in the world of the insured. I do feel better knowing that I am getting some of those little things that need to be taken care of done since you never know when you could be facing another challenge or another job change but worse things have happened you know.
My family is doing Easter and that should be pretty fun and relaxing. I have plans to go to church and spend time with a few old friends during the Easter holiday while trying to focus on the real meaning of the day, the day that Christ rose from the dead and forever changed the destiny of the world today. If HE hadn't died and rose we would be forever condemned to hell for the sins that have been committed. It is really amazing when you think about it. The very idea that HE saved us is wonderful.
Everyone have a wonderful Easter.
Monday, March 26, 2007
90
Some see that number and thing of degrees or of time or of any number of things. My great-grandmother turned 90 yesterday begining a whole new decade in her life. I only hope to live that you in reality. I mean think about it if I am now only in my twenties then what would my ninties be like. We had a small party for her and it was nice to see all of those family members that I don't get to see very often at all but still it was craziness.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Time
Time seems to get away from us all. Here it is the first day of March and I still haven't found that job that I have always wanted. I am 25 now and have a Masters degree and it is wonderful but yet that degree that was to help me open up doors has gotten me no where in the work place. In the last 6 months it has been difficult to deal with all of the changes for me.
1. I left the job of 8 years that I had become uncomfortable comfortable in and that was a a dangerous place to be. I still think about the day that I drew my line and said no more and wonder from time to time if it was the right thing to do but it is now done and it is something that I will have to live with when it comes to employment history for the next five years. I mean I left on good terms and even worked out my entire two weeks notice even though there were times when I would have rather just walked out and burned that bridge but I know that there is always a possibility that I may one day have to go back there so I kept the option open even though I pray every day that going back isn't one of the things that I will have to do.
2. I moved in with my grandparents which has been nice and has worked out better for me health wise but still it is a change for me and for them since they had grown accustom to life on their own without kids in their home.
3. I started a new job that has been good but not quite what I want but it will work for now and it seems that they like me here too for the most part.
So for now I have to go back to work but where did all the time go....I don't know but I will let you know when I do.
1. I left the job of 8 years that I had become uncomfortable comfortable in and that was a a dangerous place to be. I still think about the day that I drew my line and said no more and wonder from time to time if it was the right thing to do but it is now done and it is something that I will have to live with when it comes to employment history for the next five years. I mean I left on good terms and even worked out my entire two weeks notice even though there were times when I would have rather just walked out and burned that bridge but I know that there is always a possibility that I may one day have to go back there so I kept the option open even though I pray every day that going back isn't one of the things that I will have to do.
2. I moved in with my grandparents which has been nice and has worked out better for me health wise but still it is a change for me and for them since they had grown accustom to life on their own without kids in their home.
3. I started a new job that has been good but not quite what I want but it will work for now and it seems that they like me here too for the most part.
So for now I have to go back to work but where did all the time go....I don't know but I will let you know when I do.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Fewer And Fewer
Fewer and fewer are my posts here....long since past is the idea that keep the world if anyone out there does read this informed about my life is fun and exciting. This would also mean that I have new information to share with everyone.
So here are some of the highlights of the last three weeks.
I am still at Ameri-Camp. I have had a couple of interviews in Fort Wayne and I am hoping that they will pan out. My job here is growing on me but the drive and need to feel like I am doing more in my field is important to me and I am not sure that I can get all of those things here. I am about to qualify for health insurance which I can hardly wait for but I knew it would be a while before I could get any real coverage and now that it is finally approaching it is a huge relief.
Several disputes with friends over the last few weeks have caused me great stress. It is hard for me to develop relationships as it is and for some reason with out a bit of help it is easy for me to ruin them without the idea of thinking twice on the issue. Friends that I have known for only a short time have had to take a lot of crap from me and seem to be dealing with it a whole lot better than I ever would. I know that I am a pain in the butt about 90% of the time and that there are those who feel and would tell you that it should be nearly 190% of the time.
Tonight I am going to stay with some friends who moved away a few months ago and it has made me sad to know that they are so far away. The drive from work is only about an hour but from home it is nearly two. The have a one-year-old and another one on the way here very soon. It will be another boy and it will be nice although I will stick my need to stay away from babies and not handle him, which Heather seems to be dealing with okay for now, we will see how she does once he is born and I still won't handle him. Deven was nearly 6 months old before they could convince me to hold him for just a minute while sitting down. I know there are women out there who love babies and want to have hundreds of them and I am here to tell you that I am not one of those women.
Family is the same...driving me crazy and not getting any better.
I would be amiss to not say something about Anna Nicole Smith and her death yesterday. I am sorry that she died without ever getting whatever it is she was looking for. I know she was famous and she lived in Bahama, which would be enough for me but there was clearly something more that she was looking for and I don't think that she ever found it.
So for now I am off but once again I will attempt to make more entries here.
So here are some of the highlights of the last three weeks.
I am still at Ameri-Camp. I have had a couple of interviews in Fort Wayne and I am hoping that they will pan out. My job here is growing on me but the drive and need to feel like I am doing more in my field is important to me and I am not sure that I can get all of those things here. I am about to qualify for health insurance which I can hardly wait for but I knew it would be a while before I could get any real coverage and now that it is finally approaching it is a huge relief.
Several disputes with friends over the last few weeks have caused me great stress. It is hard for me to develop relationships as it is and for some reason with out a bit of help it is easy for me to ruin them without the idea of thinking twice on the issue. Friends that I have known for only a short time have had to take a lot of crap from me and seem to be dealing with it a whole lot better than I ever would. I know that I am a pain in the butt about 90% of the time and that there are those who feel and would tell you that it should be nearly 190% of the time.
Tonight I am going to stay with some friends who moved away a few months ago and it has made me sad to know that they are so far away. The drive from work is only about an hour but from home it is nearly two. The have a one-year-old and another one on the way here very soon. It will be another boy and it will be nice although I will stick my need to stay away from babies and not handle him, which Heather seems to be dealing with okay for now, we will see how she does once he is born and I still won't handle him. Deven was nearly 6 months old before they could convince me to hold him for just a minute while sitting down. I know there are women out there who love babies and want to have hundreds of them and I am here to tell you that I am not one of those women.
Family is the same...driving me crazy and not getting any better.
I would be amiss to not say something about Anna Nicole Smith and her death yesterday. I am sorry that she died without ever getting whatever it is she was looking for. I know she was famous and she lived in Bahama, which would be enough for me but there was clearly something more that she was looking for and I don't think that she ever found it.
So for now I am off but once again I will attempt to make more entries here.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Nearly a month has passed since I last wrote here. I used to write here so my friends and family would know what was going on but I do know that they like me are busy and don't have time to read about my life so I have started to let it slide. There has been a lot going since my last post in mid-December. Where to start seems to be a bit more difficult than what all has gone on so I will start writing and work my way from there.
December was a month of change. I became full time at Ameri-Camp which is nice because I will sooner or later get some health insurance and benefits package. I will have paid vacations and time off when I am sick which I never ever had before if I was sick then I didn't get paid and that was rough on me too.
Christmas came and went and was fairly uneventful. There are times that it is hard to deal with family on certain issues (relationships) so I kept my mouth shut most of the time. Staci knew that there was stuff going on but I have choose to keep them out of the loop as far as goings on in my personal life. The nagging about getting a good job seems to be slowly getting to be less and less obnoxious. I am sure when I tell them that after I get my insurance it is my plan to leave in a few months and move to Fort Wayne and live with my boyfriend that there will be hell to pay.
New years was spent at a friends house and ended in disaster. I have now lost friends over a series of events that took place there and it has been a rough start to 2007 but it will be a good year if it is nothing else the issues were brought out and dealt with immediately and this is a different outlook for me. I am not going to as worried about what all everyone is thinking about me and I am going to do what makes me happy and makes me feel like I am reaching the goals that I have in my own life.
The start of this year has seen several changes for me including a complete revamping of my fiances which will include a savings account and paying all my bills on time which to some is no big deal but to me it is because I had allowed myself to slack on some of the things that needed to be done. I am also living with my grandma full time which is nice because I don't have to deal with all of the crap of living with my mom.
That is all I have for now. I will write soon.
December was a month of change. I became full time at Ameri-Camp which is nice because I will sooner or later get some health insurance and benefits package. I will have paid vacations and time off when I am sick which I never ever had before if I was sick then I didn't get paid and that was rough on me too.
Christmas came and went and was fairly uneventful. There are times that it is hard to deal with family on certain issues (relationships) so I kept my mouth shut most of the time. Staci knew that there was stuff going on but I have choose to keep them out of the loop as far as goings on in my personal life. The nagging about getting a good job seems to be slowly getting to be less and less obnoxious. I am sure when I tell them that after I get my insurance it is my plan to leave in a few months and move to Fort Wayne and live with my boyfriend that there will be hell to pay.
New years was spent at a friends house and ended in disaster. I have now lost friends over a series of events that took place there and it has been a rough start to 2007 but it will be a good year if it is nothing else the issues were brought out and dealt with immediately and this is a different outlook for me. I am not going to as worried about what all everyone is thinking about me and I am going to do what makes me happy and makes me feel like I am reaching the goals that I have in my own life.
The start of this year has seen several changes for me including a complete revamping of my fiances which will include a savings account and paying all my bills on time which to some is no big deal but to me it is because I had allowed myself to slack on some of the things that needed to be done. I am also living with my grandma full time which is nice because I don't have to deal with all of the crap of living with my mom.
That is all I have for now. I will write soon.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Merry Chistmas
I may get to post tomorrow but I am not sure therefore I want to take this time to with anyone who still reads this a Merry Christmas.
Christmas time comes with a lot of drama that isn't necessary. Christmas is about Christs birth and nothing more. Of course it is nice to take the time to see family and connect with friends but at the same time there is so much about the holidays that is over rated. I can tell you that I did not purchase a single gift for anyone and in some ways makes me feel better because then I don't have to worry about being fair or if I forgot someone. I got no one anything.
I didn't get gifts because right now there is a point where I must pay my bills first and worry about gifts second. I am doing great though really. It isn't bad and I am starting to slowly but surely enjoy parts of my job. I would rather be in Fort Wayne but since this doesn't appear to be happening for me right at this moment I will be fine and I will get there sooner or later. The hardest part of this job is not being able to see Rob as much as I would like but that is another issue that will slowly buy surly resolve itself.
Anyway....MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE...THE NEW YEAR IS AROUND THE CORNER
Christmas time comes with a lot of drama that isn't necessary. Christmas is about Christs birth and nothing more. Of course it is nice to take the time to see family and connect with friends but at the same time there is so much about the holidays that is over rated. I can tell you that I did not purchase a single gift for anyone and in some ways makes me feel better because then I don't have to worry about being fair or if I forgot someone. I got no one anything.
I didn't get gifts because right now there is a point where I must pay my bills first and worry about gifts second. I am doing great though really. It isn't bad and I am starting to slowly but surely enjoy parts of my job. I would rather be in Fort Wayne but since this doesn't appear to be happening for me right at this moment I will be fine and I will get there sooner or later. The hardest part of this job is not being able to see Rob as much as I would like but that is another issue that will slowly buy surly resolve itself.
Anyway....MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE...THE NEW YEAR IS AROUND THE CORNER
Thursday, December 07, 2006
The Time Has Come
The time has come to acknowledge the fact that I didn't know nearly as much as I would like to think that I did...You know the moment when you realize that your nearly $50,000 in student loans seem to be in vain and you don't have a good job...I have a great boyfriend but a great job I don't have...
So anyway I've been working on not being to judgemental or quick to push people away and this has proven much more difficult than I thought it would be. I will write more later.
So anyway I've been working on not being to judgemental or quick to push people away and this has proven much more difficult than I thought it would be. I will write more later.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Another Holiday Past
Another Thanksgiving has come and gone and here I sit just now taking time to reflect. Why is it that we take the time that we should be sitting back thinking about everything that we have going for us and instead we have the stress of making sure that everyone is happy healthy and set for the influx of time that is spent with the family.
Let me give you a run down of the last 5 days. Thursday we had a simple diner with my mom, brother and grandparents. Friday diner with my dads parents, entertaining you betcha. You never know the topic but you can be sure of one thing grandma isn't going to like something or she is going to be so happy with your choice that its unreasonable. If I had said I left my boyfriend and i was going to be singe forever she would be so happy for me and be oh so supportive. Since the news is that I am thinking about getting married then it is awful and unreasonable for me to do such a thing. Friday night I went and hung out with some friends and talked and laughed a lot. It was nice to be out of the house for a while at least. Saturday was a soup diner with my moms entire family which was good since no one killed each other we deem it a success. I also helped some friends move on Saturday and made one long drive to Angola to see their new house and get all of their stuff out of their old house. Sunday I had my cousin with me all day and it was nice to get to see her and spend some time with her, which I don't get to do very often so we had some fun.
There is more but not right now I will be in touch...everyone keep in touch please I feel alone out here.
Let me give you a run down of the last 5 days. Thursday we had a simple diner with my mom, brother and grandparents. Friday diner with my dads parents, entertaining you betcha. You never know the topic but you can be sure of one thing grandma isn't going to like something or she is going to be so happy with your choice that its unreasonable. If I had said I left my boyfriend and i was going to be singe forever she would be so happy for me and be oh so supportive. Since the news is that I am thinking about getting married then it is awful and unreasonable for me to do such a thing. Friday night I went and hung out with some friends and talked and laughed a lot. It was nice to be out of the house for a while at least. Saturday was a soup diner with my moms entire family which was good since no one killed each other we deem it a success. I also helped some friends move on Saturday and made one long drive to Angola to see their new house and get all of their stuff out of their old house. Sunday I had my cousin with me all day and it was nice to get to see her and spend some time with her, which I don't get to do very often so we had some fun.
There is more but not right now I will be in touch...everyone keep in touch please I feel alone out here.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
One weird Place to Live
Indiana is one weird place to live especially when it comes to weather patterns...this morning it was cold. Frost covered all of the windows on my sad little truck sitting all alone on the driveway. So I got the dog dressed (pink collar and a leash) and we walked out to start the truck to try to take the chill out of the air but this did me no good. I mean the air was warmer once I got in and the frost was starting to melt but it was still cold to say the least.
Today we freeze and in two days for Thanksgiving it will nearly 60 degrees. This place is funny and temperamental.
Today we freeze and in two days for Thanksgiving it will nearly 60 degrees. This place is funny and temperamental.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
One Long Night
Last night was rough at best and there was very little sleep to go around. Around 10 pm my aunts best friend called and needed a place to stay but that was just the beginning. It is a domestic dispute that has overtaken her entire life all the way down the smallest things that she has to deal with. Her husband drinks...a lot...not like me you know 1 smernoff a month or so...and he doesn't pay the bills with his check he just pays part, yes part not all, of the house payment and leaves the rest of the bills up to her to take care. She runs her own business and does a decent job of it but struggles when it comes to money management so we as a family are slowly but surely working with her on these issues. Anyway back to why she ended up in our basement...she and her husband got in a big fight and without thinking she stormed out and into the woods with no car keys, no coat, and no cell phone, not that the phone would have mattered they have been shut off because of failure to pay the bill. So after leaving, which was the best thing for her to do she then needed a place to go and she lives next door to her in-laws who she was pretty sure wouldn't be happy to know that she had left in such anger but wait it gets better...they had heard the fight and called the cops about what was going on thinking that she had started, by asking for a little bit of help in their marriage but in reality it was her husband who was being the world biggest jerk.
So here we are at home watching the end of Law and Order because that's what I do and boom three extra people move into the basement of our house, yes that is three...The mom, the 10 year old, and my favorite the 3 year old. I should warn you that I don't do real well around little kids because they freak me out more than anything. I have gotten better since I have spent time with my friend Heather and her 1 year old but they still freak me out and if Deven starts to cry I just want to give him back so that I don't break him. The concept is the same when it comes to these two little kids...the oldest isn't too bad because she listens pretty well but the 3 year old is so overwhelming for me and to make it worse I don't how long they are staying so I am going to have to deal with it.
Okay enough of that...Life is okay I still haven't gotten moved to Fort Wayne but it is starting to good for the first of the year. I know where in town I want to live and even if I have to commute to Syracuse for a few weeks from there life will go on and I will find a job there, I am after all smart and wonderful if I may say so myself.
I have one more tangent then I will log off but its a doosy if you're not in the mood this is your warning..........
Why is that if men have a weight problem then it is okay and they can get jobs but because I have one and I am working on it I can't seem to find work and I know that part of it is that I am overweight, no one seems to care that I am loosing weight or that I have busted my butt literally and figuratively to get where I am and I will continue to do so until a point in time where I think I am being treated fairly by those around me. I just so pissed off over the whole thing. I went to college and studied my self nearly to death but no one seems to even care because I have extra poundage around my hips and tummy then I must not be qualified to the job you know after all I'm fat.
Okay I'm done for now.
So here we are at home watching the end of Law and Order because that's what I do and boom three extra people move into the basement of our house, yes that is three...The mom, the 10 year old, and my favorite the 3 year old. I should warn you that I don't do real well around little kids because they freak me out more than anything. I have gotten better since I have spent time with my friend Heather and her 1 year old but they still freak me out and if Deven starts to cry I just want to give him back so that I don't break him. The concept is the same when it comes to these two little kids...the oldest isn't too bad because she listens pretty well but the 3 year old is so overwhelming for me and to make it worse I don't how long they are staying so I am going to have to deal with it.
Okay enough of that...Life is okay I still haven't gotten moved to Fort Wayne but it is starting to good for the first of the year. I know where in town I want to live and even if I have to commute to Syracuse for a few weeks from there life will go on and I will find a job there, I am after all smart and wonderful if I may say so myself.
I have one more tangent then I will log off but its a doosy if you're not in the mood this is your warning..........
Why is that if men have a weight problem then it is okay and they can get jobs but because I have one and I am working on it I can't seem to find work and I know that part of it is that I am overweight, no one seems to care that I am loosing weight or that I have busted my butt literally and figuratively to get where I am and I will continue to do so until a point in time where I think I am being treated fairly by those around me. I just so pissed off over the whole thing. I went to college and studied my self nearly to death but no one seems to even care because I have extra poundage around my hips and tummy then I must not be qualified to the job you know after all I'm fat.
Okay I'm done for now.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
THIS JUST IN
I have no life, okay so that's not news but it seemed important to me. My friends Mike and Heather just moved away and once angain I find myself stuck here in a town that I can't stand alone with no close friends and no one to really interact with other than my fearless dog, who really isnt' fearless at all and she is a big chicken...sure she will bark at strangers but only after hiding behind you to do so...
I am looking at places in Fort Wayne again. I've decided that I am just going to go for it.
I am looking at places in Fort Wayne again. I've decided that I am just going to go for it.
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