ALONE

All alone in a room full of people I wonder what has happened to the woman that I promised myself I would become. In some ways over the last few months I feel like I have lost her. There has been a huge hole growing in my heart, soul, and life and that hole is me.
Lost her in the crazy spin that is relationships and career choices and everything else that a person is ‘supposed’ to be. The very idea makes me sick to know. I have lost relationships that meant so much to me and it kills me inside to know that at the end of the day that is my fault and no one else’s because either I didn’t try hard enough or I tried too hard. Ownership isn’t something I have been good at either but I will own this and learn from it no matter what.
One afternoon I woke up in this place. Trying to find the person that I wanted to be or the person that I want to be and then trying to figure out what to do with her once I find her again. That strong person who never shoed emotins left and then the girl who shows what she is feeling and then bam doors slam and relationships end without much warning at all.
Now I am working toward whatever there is out there and I hope so much that I find it soon. I do not know what the future holds no matter how hard I beg God to let me see it and show me where to go from here. I have heard a lot of people tell me how in time I will know, trust, and everything will work itself out and more and more everyday I find it hard to believe.
Everyone has an opinion on how to help and yet I feel alone. A room full of people and I am ALONE and I hate it. In a room by myself I am ALONE and I hate that too. Where does life go from here, I don’t know and I hate that. Not knowing is not something I do real well it ranks right up there with being patient. So tonight I will go for a walk and I will think about the choices I have made and what will become of them and think about fixing some other things if it’s at all possible.

Time

It has been a LONG time since I have written anything here. There are those who never read this myself included. I use this area to write what I am thinking or feeling and I haven't done anything for a long time so here is an abbreviated catch up.

Rob and I are still together but to be honest it is touch and go as time goes by. I hope that things will work out but at the moment the questions seem to come at a much faster rate than the answers. Our relationship has a lot of issues but it doesn't mean it is over but I am struggling. We are coming up on 5 years and commitment is minimal at best which makes me believe that perhaps it isn't going like I would like it to.

My faith is struggling and that is a huge understatement. I would love to say that my faith is at the top of my list but it isn't and it hasn't been in years. I miss the relationships from church and from other believers and it isn't that I don't believe in God it is that I don't know where I want/need it to react with my 'life.'

My job is over. In late Jan. I was laid off from RVME d/b/a Ameri-Camp and it was an earth shattering day in my life I won't lie. Not having a job has created a lot of issues for me personally. I miss working and I will work again soon but the job hunt is very difficult and with the job market in the tank there isn't anything more I could be doing I think.

Sigh