The Walk

Larry and I walked last night for a very long time and as we walked I was forced to consider what I feel about him and how I plan on having him in my life or for that matter how I plan on not having in my life. Larry has been through so much and I don't know if I am able to deal with that or if I should just let him go and pretend that he never came back into my life. I don't know, I don't want to turn my back but I don't want to get hurt again by him either. I am sure I will figure it out sooner or later, hopefully it is sooner and not later.

There is no title today because I simply can't think of one to put there. Today was a long day for me mainly because I spent Easter alone and I don't mean alone in a room full of people I mean just me all alone on a day generally set aside for families and Rembering what Christ did for us.

I did a whole lot of walking and thinking and trying to get all of this together that I need to over the next few weeks but still here I sit undecided as to how to follow up on the events that I generally refer to as my life. I sat down today and wrote a list of things that I need to do and I have to admit that there are some items that appear more than once because of their importance and my lack of responding to them for so long. The list has 10 items in all even though it is 15 items long that I will deal with over the next week so that I can get the ball rolling.

I also figured out what I will need to live on my own and how soon I can have all of the money saved up so that I can get out of here. It shouldn't be long now and I can't wait. I miss Eric I hope we get to talk again soon. He is so good when it comes to listening to me talk about nothing for hours because I get so flustered.

Remember the reason today (actually yesterday by now) is what it is and that only by the Grace of God have we all gotten to where we are right now. Have a great day.

Where to begin

Sigh....

So it has been a week since I have written anything here to follow up on what all is going on in my own little world here so here we go.

I had a good conversation with Bryan on the phone the other day only to have him hang up on me and discontinue the conversation with a promise that he would call me back, which he hasn't. We were talking about stability and goals and the lack of them he has and how he really needs to start thinking a bit more long term than he is. (okay the advice goes both ways but still at least I am aware of the fact). The conversation came to an abrupt halt when I told him that there are days that I sit and cry for him because I don't really know what else to do for him. I really do love Bryan, even though he gets on my nerves at times and I pray that he figures 'it' out whatever 'it' is.

My baby brother turned 18 this past week and is not proclaiming himself to be an adult however it does appear that he forgot the parts about paying his own bills and getting a job but what am I to do with that kind of information. He as really been a pain in my butt here lately and it just seems to be getting worse and worse because he really does feel that he is entitled to something.

Larry has recently come back into my life and I am still trying to figure out what I am going to do with all of that. It is clear that I do love him and that I miss him so much, imagine my surprise that after 3 years he walks into the church while I am standing on the platform. I was shocked to say the least but it was good and we have spent quite a bit of time talking over the last week. His girls have gotten so big of course they are in their teens now and that is kind of hard for me to wrap my brain around. We have had a lot of fun times this week and I look forward to them here in the future but I must decide where to draw the lines when it comes to how attached I am going to allow myself to get to Larry and the girls.

Last night I had a good time with coffee at Courthouse Coffee with Eric where we were by far the oldest two people in the whole place and that was including the staff. We talked about all kind of things which we do no matter where we go but since it was cold and rainy outside there was no real good place to go and walk or sit around and do nothing at so we just sat there and took up space, drove around, and really started to define the different aspects of our lives that we want to work on most and how they fit into the rest of our goals. So it was a great night of just hanging out and being together which is exactly what I needed.

Today was a long day at work, a phone call from Larry, and now homework for me who has gotten it down to an art form when it comes to putting it off till the last possible moment. So everyone have a great night and I will write soon and keep this place more up to date...I'm sure you've heard that one before.

Two part post

Part One
Last night was a good night for me and I have to say that I learned about myself and my friends in just a few short hours. After nearly a week of planning Eric and I went and cooked dinner for Bryan and Michelle and had some long conversations with them, in an attempt to reach out to them, and show them that we can in fact be in the same room and reach out to them even though we are always the biggest fans of their relationship.

Yesterday afternoon I went and purchased the items needed for a meal then went home to work on what could be done before we left for Bryan's. The meal was a Suzuki I cooked and it was quite impressive for me. Being domestic is not always my strong suit so to have something edible at the end of the night it was really nice. Here is what I cooked. Baked chicken breast, mashed potatoes (real ones not gross box stuff), green beans with shallots, cheese, Italian biscuits, cheese cake and cholate covered strawberries that I dipped myself. So needless to say I was proud of my cooking talent that I don't get to show off real often.

We sat around the table like adults and talked about issues of the day and faith issues that arise when you are growing up. Michelle is a PK and doesn't always act like she is or if she even cares about the extra expectancies that the world has for her. She definitely a lost in the house kind of person. Bryan is different as well in his stand points on faith and how they are to be expressed to those that are in the world. Very rarely do I find a time when I question a persons faith or fate for that mater. I wonder about their salvation and feel as though this is the first of many outreach efforts on Eric and I's parts.

The night over all at least from where I sat was a good night and I was surprised to learn stuff about myself that I didn't think I would. I didn't realize how much I really need quality friends and how much I want them to be saved. I never knew exactly how painful it would be to listen to people that I have known for years make fools of themselves because they don't want to acknowledge the power of God in their lives. I am so happy that last night was a success and look forward to the next time we all get together.

Part Two
Emotionally I have been all over the map over the last few weeks and struggle to get it all in order. The decision to not move to Utah has not come easily for me and I know that there are times when I think that I have really messed this thing up. There is so much more that I want to say but I will save it for later. Everyone Have a great day.

Speed Bumps

There are times where there are bumps in the road that you did not expect nor that you want to deal with and there really isn't anything that you can do about them. I will have more on this thought later. Hope you all had a great day.

What a Week

So now is the time to do a bit of explaining to some of those who read this. I didn't give up my job for a guy, first and foremost because that seems to be the first big question when I tell people that I am not taking the job. I gave up the job because of so much more than a guy. It has been a rough few days trying to explain it to those who really need to know and frankly hide the fact from those who I don't want to know quite yet. When people hear that I have decided to put off moving there are several questions that inevitably follow so let me answer them here:

Are you okay?
--Yes I am fine although I am not saying that this has been an easy change of mind set for me. I honestly don't know what the future holds but for right now this is the choice that I had to make.

Do you have another job?
--No, which proves troublesome for someone with more money outstanding than is even reasonable because of college and the numerous cars that I have gone through in the past few years.

What are you planning on doing now?
--Wow, what a good question. I don't really know yet and that is very scary. Nothing better than putting yourself out there to be pulled and molded by God than when you have no idea what plans or direction you life is going to be taking, talk about faith. I plan on building some major faith and finding a new job as soon as possible.

Are you worried?
--Yes, more so than I have ever been and I have no idea what I am going to do right now but there is one thing that I am sure of, God is in control and I don't like not being in control so these next couple weeks are going to hurt but I will survive and be stronger because of them.

So as for what the future holds I have no idea and that freaks me out. I am going to regroup and continue to fight this battle till it is won. I will try to keep everyone up to date. Have a great day.

A bit of a Catch up post

Let me give you a brief run down of the last few days. Saturday was a day of traveling and it was nice to sit and think about what all is going on in my life. For those of you who don't know, I came to Utah on Saturday for a vacation but I have decided to turn down the job that I have here. I am going to push my dream of moving away off for a while, which will come as a shock to many of you who read this.

So Saturday I flew and sat in airports all day and landed in Salt Lake City at about 11 pm local time (1 am at home), then came straight to the hotel to get some sleep but not before stopping to pick up the rental car. The car that I had reserved wasn't at the airport which posed a problem since I just wanted to get some sleep and needed a car to get to the hotel. Once it was all said and done I am driving the nicest car I have ever been in this week. It is a 2005 Volvo with all the bells are whistles.

Sunday I spent the day running around. I went to a wonderful church here that I can very easily see myself being a part of in the future, just not quite yet. The drove the 60 miles from Salt Lake to Spanish Fork Utah and ate dinner with the wonderful Preston family. Alan is in my class and I met him when I was out here last time and we had a good time them but Sunday it was wonderful. We ate dinner as a family, well their family, plus sons girlfriends, and me but still. If you set aside holidays I honestly can't remember the last time that my family sat down and ate together. After dinner they thought me how to play this card game called pounce that was so much fun and I actually wasn't as bad at it as I thought I would be, I even won one round which really surprised me and then I couldn't remember what I needed to yell once I went out but then they got it that I was out. Then we played some word games that Alan and I won at both rounds. I met Heidi who I have talked to several times and she is even more wonderful than I thought she would be. We sat around and talked for a while then Heidi headed back to school about an hour north of Salt Lake. I stayed and talked for a while then their whole family kneeled to pray together which was something that was very different for me. It was very powerful to kneel with an entire family and pray before the youngest ones went off to bed. I have never been so touched in my life.

Today was a good day. I went skiing and then did some other running around here in the city and now I am back at the hotel working my way through the school work that I know need to get done. I have cried today and felt emotions that I haven't felt in years including knowing that I will be okay.

There is so much that I have to explain to so many people when I get home and it won't be easy. The beginning of this post will come as a shock to many and I promise that I am not giving up on my dream, I am simply reorganizing some of my thought process. I am taking time to regroup and reprioritize and when it is time to deal with all of the back lash that will come from the choice that I have made then I will. As for right now I am going to sleep. Have a great day everyone.

Utah

Need I really say more? I landed here late last night and just got up but I am so happy to be here. Now to do complete what I came here for. I will write more later tonight.

School

Today has been stressful and mind numbing. I hate accouting...it isn't even a matter of disliking it, I hate it.

So

So is the best way I have found to describe the last couple of days. I want to be a bit more specific and I will be but just not right now.