ALONE

All alone in a room full of people I wonder what has happened to the woman that I promised myself I would become. In some ways over the last few months I feel like I have lost her. There has been a huge hole growing in my heart, soul, and life and that hole is me.
Lost her in the crazy spin that is relationships and career choices and everything else that a person is ‘supposed’ to be. The very idea makes me sick to know. I have lost relationships that meant so much to me and it kills me inside to know that at the end of the day that is my fault and no one else’s because either I didn’t try hard enough or I tried too hard. Ownership isn’t something I have been good at either but I will own this and learn from it no matter what.
One afternoon I woke up in this place. Trying to find the person that I wanted to be or the person that I want to be and then trying to figure out what to do with her once I find her again. That strong person who never shoed emotins left and then the girl who shows what she is feeling and then bam doors slam and relationships end without much warning at all.
Now I am working toward whatever there is out there and I hope so much that I find it soon. I do not know what the future holds no matter how hard I beg God to let me see it and show me where to go from here. I have heard a lot of people tell me how in time I will know, trust, and everything will work itself out and more and more everyday I find it hard to believe.
Everyone has an opinion on how to help and yet I feel alone. A room full of people and I am ALONE and I hate it. In a room by myself I am ALONE and I hate that too. Where does life go from here, I don’t know and I hate that. Not knowing is not something I do real well it ranks right up there with being patient. So tonight I will go for a walk and I will think about the choices I have made and what will become of them and think about fixing some other things if it’s at all possible.