New feelings

There aren't many times that I can say this and I think that is part of what makes it so hard for me to do so. I have found someone that I can trust, I can cry in front of, be irrational in front of, act like a brat toward and yet they want to be a part of my life and be around and be there for me. I don't know how to handle it all it is a new and different place for me to be.

Yesterday I went to work then to Fort Wayne to see a friend. We spent an hour or so together at his house just talking and then he did the one thing that caught me the most off guard, he wrapped his arms around me and held me close while I cried and it felt great to know that if nothing more he cared even though I struggle to accept people when the care about me. I didn't cry loud or long but I did in fact cry which is something that even a couple of months ago I wouldn't do because to me it seems to be a sign of weakness, especially from a girl. I don't want to be one of those girls who cries for no reason or shows that I can't handle high stress, high stakes type stuff.

I have talked to several good friends over the last few days and it has been nice for me. My childhood best friend Sarah has called and we have had the opportunity to talk for quite a while and it was nice to say the least. Here wedding is one month from tomorrow and that is hard for me to believe. Soon I will honestly be the last one of my closest friends to get married and that is a tough spot to be for me. I never imagined that I would be sitting here writing at 23 years old that all of my friends are getting married and I still have no idea where my life is going to take me.

I am looking for a job somewhere in the area. I would like one in Fort Wayne or a bit more locally so that I can maintain a certain level of respect for the people that I love and hopefully start my own life instead of having to live in the shadows of what has been. Well have a good day.

Momma said there'd be days like this

There'd be days like this momma said.

Today I got woke up early by the store and I didn't really want to go in but I am broke to say the least so I went and worked a 10 hour day which stunk. I went to Subway for lunch where I dropped an entire set of keys but someone was kind enough to turn them in and they happened to have my phone number on them so they called me to tell me that they had them and that I could come pick them up at any time.

Work has been fairly uneventful which has been nice. I applied to be transferred to the store that is being built in Naperville Illinois. It would be a huge step up and I do enjoy the industry. I have to commit to Marsh for 1 more year to be considered for the job and then I will have to follow through. I do understand what my family is saying about me moving across the country alone and how there can't be anyone there within a couple of hours if something were to happen. If this is what I am supposed to be doing with my life then I will go and I will be happy with the choice to be there. If not then I will live with that also.

I have started dating again and it has been nice. I had laid low since my heart got crushed but it is okay and I am ready to move on. I still love him no questions asked but it is clear to me that he doesn't love me in the same way. I miss him terriblily and one day we will be friends 'just like we used to be', but until then we will have to work with what we have. Anyway dating has been different. When I go out on dates it is to get to know someone better and to see if I think there is a possibility of them being in my life long term. I can see that the next year or longer could be difficult. I think with all of my close friends getting married it is starting to make me want to and need to grow up.

So look out life here I come. Everyone have a great day.

What a difference a Week Makes

A week ago I was worried about one of my best friends weddings and now that is over and it hasn't been easy for me to come to a complete peace about. It is official ladies and gentlemen I am now the 'single' one of the group of friends that I hold so dear. It is strange to think that when all is said and done I will be the last one to close the book on the single stage of my life and yet I have no idea when that is going to happen.

I will have pictures as soon as I get them back which should be in the next day or so. So I am going to do some errands and then perhaps write more of what is on my heart. Have a great day.

Soon and very soon

In just a few hours my best friend Elaina will be married...nothing more to say at the moment.

HMMMMM

The last week has been eventful but the next one will be as well.

Since I last posted there has been few changes of heart that I never thought that I would have and it hasn't been easy at all. I have decided to go ahead and move, no I don't have a job anymore and I don't have a place to live anymore but the burden on my heart for that city is so great that I am going to go ahead and go and then see what life throws my way as I do so. I am not sure when I will leave, I must have some money in savings for a while if I plan on leaving without a job but I am positive this is what I am going to do. There will be no more second guessing and no more absolute doubt of God's plan for me and therefore I will do this.

Eric and I had dinner with Bryan and Michelle on Friday night and had a pretty good time. Michelle could sooner or later grow on me. We had a lot of laughs and different conversations. The highlight of the evening was the cheesiest gift I have ever seen because of its contents but I am sure that Michelle meant well so we will not judge her on her lack of tack or creativity. Michelle and Bryan cooked dinner this time and Bryan turned 22 yesterday, I haven't talked to him yet but I am sure he had a good day. We got home late on Friday night then Eric went back to school because he was pretty close to missing his curfew.

Saturday I spent the night with Rob at his house watching movies which wasn't a big deal but man I was tired on Sunday. We watched all kinds on movies all night and had a lot of fun just hanging out. We talked about all kinds of stuff between movies and laughed and then when I left his house at 9 am to drive home I still hadn't been to bed and was definitely feeling it. I have to admit that I didn't go to church Sunday morning I elected to try to get some sleep which I did get a bit but not nearly enough. I went to church Sunday night and that was good pastor has a whole lot on his heart I can tell he for some reason is struggling to put all the words out there to the congregation.

This week is going to rough for me and I know it. Elaina gets married on Saturday and I would venture to guess that is when it will hit me that I am in fact not yet married and have no idea when that will happen. I am sure the wedding will be beautiful and wonderful but it will still be hard to stand there and watch one of my best friends get married when I am no where near that step in my life at the moment. I have to work a couple of days this week and do a lot of running for the wedding and stuff but it will be a successful week one way or another. I also promise I will post some pictures for everyone of the wedding and stuff.

Have a great day.

Sigh

There is a great thing taking shape in my life....more to come.

Wow what a week

So this week is over and I am not sure what on earth happened to it but I guess in the big picture that is a good thing for me and for those around me. This week has had been over all uneventful, with the exception on my attempt to cut my pinky finger off while I was at work on Saturday. After taking the bandages off today to see how gross it would look without being covered I discovered that I cut it worse then I thought I did but I will survive I still can't believe that I managed to do it.

Lets see what all happened this week...hmmm...Larry and I talked pretty much every night till well into the morning hours although I still don't know what type of relationship I would like to have with him. The problem is really that he tends to disappear for months at a time and never tells anyone when he has gone, that is how we ended up being separated for such a long time anyway, so I just need to know what type of friendships or relationship I want and/or can have with him.

On Monday we walked again only to have to come home because I just wasn't feel too good at all but it okay. I worked all week and really started cracking down on some of this school work that needs to be done. Yesterday Bryan called and we talked for a while but then I had to cut the conversation short and didn't realize that I had forgotten to call him back until about fifteen minutes ago so I will call him tomorrow after my minutes go to free.

Church today as good for me and getting to sit and listen to Pastor Cox talk about having options for the future, even when we don't know what they are yet. My church finally got a web-page up and running so here it is www.warsawupc.com.

Everyone have a good night.