The Question

While having a fairly light hearted conversation with a guy that I am very interested in he posed a very interesting question:

Where were you 11 years ago?

First of all this question is important because of our difference in age and that is when he married his first wife. This caused me to think...Where was I 11 years ago.

--I was in the 6th grade and all of 12 years old...Wow how times have changed.
--There were several ways to describe me back then including but not limited to shy, quiet, impersonal, distant, secluded, shady, geek (of the bad variety), and uninformed.
--I was about 5'4" and not much taller than that
--I had just started middle school in a new building which were to be proud of the fact we would be the first class to go all the way through our grade school career's in three different buildings.
--The year was 1994, my parents marriage was on the rocks yet again.
--I had no idea what the future held (strange some things never change)
--I would hurt myself on purpose to try not to feel the emotional pain of what all was going on around me.

Wow 11 years is a long time yet in some ways I guess I am still living the 6th grade. Boys still frustrate me, the future still scares me, and for the most part I am still a geek.

Varied Emotions

In 48 hours my best friend from my childhood will walk down the isle. I am happy, I am sad but I now know why I have chosen to wait. It is days like today when I sit and think about it that I am happy for all of my friends that are happy but at the same time glad I am not them.

Okay now

I have started dating a good guy but I don't know what to expect. I don't expect perfection, well not really although there are times that it would be nice I have to admit. He is 31 years-old so for me nearly right in my age frame overall. He doesn't have children, different for me over all and he isn't even divorced he has never been married. Which makes him totally not my type at all.

I don't know what the future holds and I have started looking for a job someone and hopefully I will be getting that job quickly and will have a load of fun doing it. I love the idea of moving back to Fort Wayne so that is my goal now to move back there and start living my own life instead of the one that everyone feels that I should be living.

There are so many that feel like they can tell me where to go and what to do and I know full good and well that it is in my best interest to get away from here. I will be so much healthier and happier that way. So I will write more soon.

Have a good night.

Oh If I only knew where to go

OH man I don't have a lot to say right now but I will later....Have a good day.

Tick Tock

Would you look at this it is May 6th and I have no idea what the next few weeks hold for me or for those around me. How I plan on making different choices or more importantly how do I leave this place and not hurt inside. The clock is quickly ticking on the time that I have here and I have no idea where I am going when I am done here or where what exactly the next step is. It never stops amazing me that God knows the beginning from the end and yet we as humans often times refuse to listen to what He is saying to us when we need to hear it the most.

Today I cried which is different for me. The idea of another family vacation or week spent here at home hurts inside. I do love my family, most days, but if you don't know them you would understand. I have been blessed with one of the best cousins on earth but she is off making her own life which is wonderful for her and I am so proud of her she is a college sophomore now, wow when the heck did that happen? I remember when everyone was making a big deal out of the fact that she was learning to drive and that 2 of us would have our drivers licensees. Now all 4 grandchildren have them and are running ourselves from place to place and not having a clue of what each other is up to now.

A year ago I was worried about graduation from college and getting a new job and where my future was going to take me. I was concerned about telling Eric how I feel about him and how our friendship would change forever. I stressed out about money and where I would live. I didn't have a clue what the future really held and that was that. What is strange is that I am still worried about many of those things and still don't know exactly what to do with them all. I am finally starting to get some other job interviews which is good because of the many different changes that are taking place in my life right now.

So as the clock runs down on what I am doing now and where I am headed I am hopeful and I am positive yet I worry because I am human. So now I go to bed and try to get some sleep. Have a good night everyone.

Random

There are so many things that haven't been said here lately because I don't know where to start. Change is once again in the wind. I don't know where to start or for that matter where to end this post so it may seem a bit random but here goes nothing.

1. Several people have quit their jobs at Marsh and have left the rest of us there to pick up the pieces of what we used to know as our lives. I have had to go to work everyday this week and my next day off is about 2 weeks away when we finally have enough people trained to cover the floor so the rest of us can have a couple of days off.

2. Got a phone call from Bethaney which was really nice and a good uplifting for me. I miss her I really really do. Even with all of the stupid things that I did that could have so easily cost me her friendship she is still there for me. We have drifted apart here in the last year but that is bound to happen I guess because of the different directions that our lives have taken. I hope to get to see her next week sometime because she will be fairly close. I miss the relationships that I had while I was in college and I miss being able to hang out with friends every night if I want to. This whole being an adult thing is rough because there is so much more that needs to be done than just hanging out.

3. My family is really starting to get to me and won't stay out of my business. Everyday is the same thing, Why aren't you married yet?, Why don't you date more?, Why don't you have a new job?, Why are there so many different men in your life?, Are you having sex?, Are you pregnant?, What are you doing with you life? Just a few questions that I have heard lately.

4. Got my grade for school and didn't do as bad in the last class as I thought I had but I still didn't get an A. It is the lowest grade I have ever gotten thus far in my Grad school career. I am not happy that I let it slip so much but I am sure that I will be okay and that this program will still be a success.

So life has been well life to say the least. I am sure that God is in this I am just so frustrated. I will follow up later. Have a good night.