Off to the Races Again

Where to go next…

Life has this funny way of kicking you in the butt when you think you are finally starting to pull things together. It is amazing how every now and then God has to remind you that He is in charge even when you are out doing whatever it is you will do.

Today the news that we have been somewhat optimistic wouldn’t come. The place I work at is planning an unplanned shut down for two weeks and although I may get to come to work for part of those two weeks the long term viability is not very good overall for my career.

There are those who know that I am looking for a new job, but even that is hard for me. I have never been one to job hop. I worked at Marsh for nearly eight years and rode it out through the bankruptcy and everything. Then one day over a year ago I decided that it was time to go and I did. There were days that I regret that but as I get closer and closer to the holiday season I am glad I made the choice I did. I get to go to family functions and eat at a normal time. I can join the Christmas crowds at the mall if I so choose. It has been a very welcome change of pace.

But now it is looking like my job is in jeopardy and now I start looking for a new job and that is very difficult for me to do. The last job search did not go well, but did end will. It was that period of no knowing what on earth to do or where to go and live. This is still a part of me that wants to go to Salt Lake City and I love it there and I could be happy there. Do I want to move there and risk ending a 4 year relationship with a man that I could very easily see myself spending the rest of my life with?

Life is all about the different steps you take and the path that you use to get there. We all have our own paths although the goal is generally the same we want to end up in Heaven when our journey down this path comes to an end.

On that note, I would be wrong not to mention that just over a week ago my roommate from my freshman year of college at Taylor University Fort Wayne, Katie Broecker, passed away in Haiti where she was on the missions field. It has been a long time since Katie and lived together almost 6 years but the memories are good and the time was fun. Packing all of our stuff into the little room they referred to as our dorm room. We moved in both enrolling late we ended up across the hall from the laundry room, which for me at least ended up working out quite well.

We will miss you Katie but someday we will see you again.

A week of Change

This week is a rough one for me. Job uncertainty and a shift if goals has made it very difficult to deal with. No matter the circumstances there is always a way to get through it but it still hurts.

I am not starting to look for jobs in Fort Wayne again so that I can be closer to Rob and start working toward setting an official date and all of that good stuff. The next few weeks will be a test of strength for me. It will at least 3 weeks before I see Rob again and as we grow closer the longer and longer gaps seem to hurt more and more. I am not one of those girls who needs a man to complete me but it just seems that is exactly what Rob is doing. Wow how much can change in a year.

A year ago I was unsure if I even wanted to consider a long term relationship all that happens is heartbreak and anger, at least in all the ones I have been in. Then I realized they were unhealthy because I let them be that way and now that I am more secure in who I am and where I may or may not be headed and I await the ride.

This week I will go shopping for bridesmaid dresses for my cousin, Staci's wedding and prepare for changes in her life over the next year, especially the next six months. I am so excited for her it will be a blast.

Saturday is Eric and Mel's wedding if I can find the place. Thanks for the great directions guys really, but I can get lost with the best maps so it will be an adventure just getting there. I am excited for them even though it makes Eric my first close high school friend to make the leap into married life. This just shows that life is changes and the world is different for all of us, thank the Lord.

Change is a good thing no matter how much we don't want it sometimes. To be honest the job thing scares me half to death but it will be okay and I am ready for the journey of looking again. This time I won't quit until I have another one though.

WOW

So yesterday I sat in church, for what I will be honest is the first time in months to talk with old friends and have laughs.

I didn't go as well as one would hope but it wasn't horrible. My home church and the on place that I should feel safe just isn't what it should/used to be. I mean with all the controversy that is surrounding it, it is hard to consider it home. I choose to think that what is being done is false and it will all be sorted out in the end but until then one may never know....

Anyway...I am good life is okay and I will write more later.

The Changes Keep Coming

The changes keep coming and coming. If I sit down and really think about it, it is hard to put my finger on it, but at some point over the past two or three years everything has changed and that has been rough to say the least.



Eric wrote about it the other day and his page and he is right which I don't say often so if you are reading this you had better mark the day. All of those 'old' friends that seem to be around all of the time are slowing sliding off into their own lives and for some life hasn't turned out quite like we all thought that it would. I mean I work as a receptionist at a trailer factory.

Eric works at Grace. I have to be honest in saying I have no idea where Bryon is now and now matter how large our differences I do still worry about him from time to time and wonder how his world is turning out.

Here is the thing. I often wonder what ever happened to many of my friends over time but as life has started to completely evolve there is more and more of a gap between who we are and where we are headed. I dare say that our religious views, political views, relationship views and general views on life have all evolved in some very different directions for some point. We may share some values but that doesn't make up cookie cutters of each other. There are some things that will forever bind up together if even in the past. Marching band, Road trips, bad dates, good dates, nights out on the town, an occasional smoke with friends, and drink, all these things that were done when we were much younger have worked toward making us who we are today no matter how much we don't like it.

Part of me does miss the 'good old days' if you will but the rest of me is really looking forward to life that is out ahead of me still. I am still looking for another job and am at a point where I welcome change even if it doesn't come in the way that I thought it would or I feel that should have. You never know what life has out there in front of you and for the most part it isn't what you thought it would be. I never talk to anyone who says ohhh yes this is exactly how I thought all of this would turn out and the path that it took to get here was smooth and marked.

I am only 25 and I know that there are so many more changes out ahead of me that will make things very different over time. Sooner or later I will have a new job, again, and I will welcome the change but I will also be scared to death when it happens. I do my best to be sure that I am not TOO comfortable with the things around me because if one thing stays the say it is that everything around me keeps changing.

Quick Notes

To say that emotionally I am spent would be under statement and that sucks for me because that is not a healthy place for someone who is as volatile as me to be. I know that I have to work everyday and keeping my head cool and not freaking out when it comes to getting things done and dealing with relationships and everything that goes with them.

Yesterday while sitting at a stop sign I saw him. Eric in the event someone reads this and doesn't know who he is. Just seeing him and waving at him made me happy to see that he is doing well and starting to live a normal life made me happier than it should have because I worry about him and what is going on in his life although I get the very clear impression that he could care less about me and what is going on in my life. I haven't spoken to him in months and as his wedding gets closer our contact will only get to be less and less I am sure. I miss him and yes a part of me still loves him to pieces I just want him to be happy that is all I want.

My cousin Staci is getting married and I am trying as hard as I can to be happy for her. I know it sounds crazy for me to say that I am totally jealous of her and her happiness. But I will get over it because I have to and I really should be so happy for her.

Rob and I are doing okay but like any relationship there are rocky spots that I don't know if I can handle but I will try if that is the last thing I do.

Talk to you all later.

For those of you who don't know, which isn't many and I know that. I had minor surgery last week because I have HPV yes that nasty little virus they keep talking about on TV and I have to say that I don't like and I feel like crap over all.

Anyway life is good, I'm still at the plant and I don't know when that will change or anything but I will write more later.

Shooting. I know that everyone is talking about the fact the there was the worst shooting massacre yesterday on the Virginia Tech campus and I am saying with most that it is a horrible thing to have happen.

I spent 4 years on a campus with no major occurrences and now to know that what should be the safest place for you is the scene of a bloodbath is horrible. So many families woke up to day with a person missing from their lives and it is a gut wrenching feeling. Some don't know yet if their children, brothers, sisters made it out alive or not.

My heart reaches out for those in pain and every last person on the campus.

Short Catch Up

This last month has been rough for me at best. I am starting to realize that I may never get to leave Ameri-Camp which isn't all bad but it doesn't get me any closer to the job that I really want either. The idea of not being able to do what I studied so hard to do is very frustrating as one could tell. I just want to do the things that I really want to do. I studied and studied and now I have little to nothing to show for it. I mean I have a wonderful piece of paper but it doesn't get me any further in life it feels like.

Life has been good over all I am just frustrated I guess but life will go on and it will all work out of the better. Since I got my health insurance I have been making sure to get the most for the premiums that I pay each week. I mean I have been to more doctors since the insurance kicked in than I had been in months possibly even years since I am again walking in the world of the insured. I do feel better knowing that I am getting some of those little things that need to be taken care of done since you never know when you could be facing another challenge or another job change but worse things have happened you know.

My family is doing Easter and that should be pretty fun and relaxing. I have plans to go to church and spend time with a few old friends during the Easter holiday while trying to focus on the real meaning of the day, the day that Christ rose from the dead and forever changed the destiny of the world today. If HE hadn't died and rose we would be forever condemned to hell for the sins that have been committed. It is really amazing when you think about it. The very idea that HE saved us is wonderful.

Everyone have a wonderful Easter.

90

Some see that number and thing of degrees or of time or of any number of things. My great-grandmother turned 90 yesterday begining a whole new decade in her life. I only hope to live that you in reality. I mean think about it if I am now only in my twenties then what would my ninties be like. We had a small party for her and it was nice to see all of those family members that I don't get to see very often at all but still it was craziness.

Time

Time seems to get away from us all. Here it is the first day of March and I still haven't found that job that I have always wanted. I am 25 now and have a Masters degree and it is wonderful but yet that degree that was to help me open up doors has gotten me no where in the work place. In the last 6 months it has been difficult to deal with all of the changes for me.

1. I left the job of 8 years that I had become uncomfortable comfortable in and that was a a dangerous place to be. I still think about the day that I drew my line and said no more and wonder from time to time if it was the right thing to do but it is now done and it is something that I will have to live with when it comes to employment history for the next five years. I mean I left on good terms and even worked out my entire two weeks notice even though there were times when I would have rather just walked out and burned that bridge but I know that there is always a possibility that I may one day have to go back there so I kept the option open even though I pray every day that going back isn't one of the things that I will have to do.

2. I moved in with my grandparents which has been nice and has worked out better for me health wise but still it is a change for me and for them since they had grown accustom to life on their own without kids in their home.

3. I started a new job that has been good but not quite what I want but it will work for now and it seems that they like me here too for the most part.

So for now I have to go back to work but where did all the time go....I don't know but I will let you know when I do.

Fewer And Fewer

Fewer and fewer are my posts here....long since past is the idea that keep the world if anyone out there does read this informed about my life is fun and exciting. This would also mean that I have new information to share with everyone.

So here are some of the highlights of the last three weeks.

I am still at Ameri-Camp. I have had a couple of interviews in Fort Wayne and I am hoping that they will pan out. My job here is growing on me but the drive and need to feel like I am doing more in my field is important to me and I am not sure that I can get all of those things here. I am about to qualify for health insurance which I can hardly wait for but I knew it would be a while before I could get any real coverage and now that it is finally approaching it is a huge relief.

Several disputes with friends over the last few weeks have caused me great stress. It is hard for me to develop relationships as it is and for some reason with out a bit of help it is easy for me to ruin them without the idea of thinking twice on the issue. Friends that I have known for only a short time have had to take a lot of crap from me and seem to be dealing with it a whole lot better than I ever would. I know that I am a pain in the butt about 90% of the time and that there are those who feel and would tell you that it should be nearly 190% of the time.

Tonight I am going to stay with some friends who moved away a few months ago and it has made me sad to know that they are so far away. The drive from work is only about an hour but from home it is nearly two. The have a one-year-old and another one on the way here very soon. It will be another boy and it will be nice although I will stick my need to stay away from babies and not handle him, which Heather seems to be dealing with okay for now, we will see how she does once he is born and I still won't handle him. Deven was nearly 6 months old before they could convince me to hold him for just a minute while sitting down. I know there are women out there who love babies and want to have hundreds of them and I am here to tell you that I am not one of those women.

Family is the same...driving me crazy and not getting any better.

I would be amiss to not say something about Anna Nicole Smith and her death yesterday. I am sorry that she died without ever getting whatever it is she was looking for. I know she was famous and she lived in Bahama, which would be enough for me but there was clearly something more that she was looking for and I don't think that she ever found it.

So for now I am off but once again I will attempt to make more entries here.

Nearly a month has passed since I last wrote here. I used to write here so my friends and family would know what was going on but I do know that they like me are busy and don't have time to read about my life so I have started to let it slide. There has been a lot going since my last post in mid-December. Where to start seems to be a bit more difficult than what all has gone on so I will start writing and work my way from there.

December was a month of change. I became full time at Ameri-Camp which is nice because I will sooner or later get some health insurance and benefits package. I will have paid vacations and time off when I am sick which I never ever had before if I was sick then I didn't get paid and that was rough on me too.

Christmas came and went and was fairly uneventful. There are times that it is hard to deal with family on certain issues (relationships) so I kept my mouth shut most of the time. Staci knew that there was stuff going on but I have choose to keep them out of the loop as far as goings on in my personal life. The nagging about getting a good job seems to be slowly getting to be less and less obnoxious. I am sure when I tell them that after I get my insurance it is my plan to leave in a few months and move to Fort Wayne and live with my boyfriend that there will be hell to pay.

New years was spent at a friends house and ended in disaster. I have now lost friends over a series of events that took place there and it has been a rough start to 2007 but it will be a good year if it is nothing else the issues were brought out and dealt with immediately and this is a different outlook for me. I am not going to as worried about what all everyone is thinking about me and I am going to do what makes me happy and makes me feel like I am reaching the goals that I have in my own life.

The start of this year has seen several changes for me including a complete revamping of my fiances which will include a savings account and paying all my bills on time which to some is no big deal but to me it is because I had allowed myself to slack on some of the things that needed to be done. I am also living with my grandma full time which is nice because I don't have to deal with all of the crap of living with my mom.

That is all I have for now. I will write soon.