The Thought

After my last post my cousin posted a comment. I love comments and sometimes they really move me.

"but it's kind of sad it's ending, even though the last few years have been more frustrating than good. I think I'll mostly miss a week to actually hang out with you, since that's one of the few times we get to. Life happens. I think I'd like to take my kids there someday (just maybe without their grandparents on their mother's side ;-) -staci"

As far as the ending of the trip being sad it is true. Silver Lake has strangely been the only thing that has been constant among our family even in all of the disfunctionalism. We as a family would make one heck of a case study for many different psychology, sociology, family studies, or any other class that truly needs an example of how not to do things in their own lives. The problem is Staci and I have been part of this running experiment and we seemed to finally pull ourselves away from the craziness but our brothers have not faired so well.

I was looking forward to spending the time with Staci for a week. I love her so much and yet I never get to see her. As our lives have started into "adulthood" if you will it has only gotten worse. When we were younger our parents would keep us apart, by our parents I mean her parent, who didn't care for me and at times I wonder if she does even now. Now we are old enough to do things and spend time together but we have classes and work and all of that other stuff we so commonly refer to as life and as a result in many ways we have grown closer together while growing further and further apart. I love that girl, I hope she knows that and no matter what she will always have a place to sleep at my place even if it is the couch.

I believe my children and I will go to Silver Lake as well. Maybe not for 9 days at a time and maybe not with the whole family but we will go. Silver Lake has so many stories and good times that go with it even with the all of the problems. Anyone recall a year where someone (me) hit a tree in the camp ground, or maybe there was a pair of glasses lost in the lake, perhaps Bethaney was attacked by the boat, interesting to think of all the good times and laughs that have come and gone with the trip. It is sad to think it is in many ways over now. I know I will remember the good times over the rougher and bad ones but it is still where we sit as the youngest grandchild starts his first job and I pack up to move to a different city. My how times have changed from those magnets on the side of grandma's fridge. We are all adults except for Stephen and he is quickly approaching it as well. My aunts, uncles, and mom are all in their 40s now and I am entering my mid 20s. One day refection will be sweet and happy but today it is different. This is it, we are growing up, and we will be okay no matter what happens over the next few months.

The whole family dynamic is changing and there doesn't seem to be much of anything that we can do about it. However I think any change in this family is good change.

The end of an era

A huge part of my 23 years on this earth has come to an end and not even in the manner that I thought it would. Our yearly family vacation to Silver Lake Michigan will no longer be a family vacation of sorts. My grandparents will not be joining us this year it is certain now. My cousin Staci isn't going. I am not going and if I do it will only be for a few days so now the great debate begins...Do they stay or do they go. I think we will go for a bit but I don't know for how many days.

After 23 years of drama, laughter, tubing, and duneing it is over, or at least it appears that way. I know that there will be time for fun and laughter later in life but it is hard to think that a 23 year tradition in my life has officially come to a close. We all knew this day was coming my grandparents have been taking trips up there since my dad was a small child but now it is over the year after year streak has come to an end.

In other news packing is finally starting to take shape and the idea that I will finally be out on my own and struggling makes me strangely happy. I know that there are times when I will want to come back to the 'safety' of home but home is anything but safe for me. I am overjoyed, scared to death, uncertain, ecstatic, and so many other things inside there is no complete way to describe it right now.

Today I sat down and worked through my budget and noticed very quickly that I can't afford to live away from here but I am going to make a go of it anyway. I am sure that God will provide and that it will be okay sooner or later. I am excited. Change is coming...How everyone takes it is their own business..

Home Again

After two weeks of living somewhere else I again find myself at home but this time it is different. I am sitting here working on my all of packing and job hunting stuff knowing that I will not be here very long and that in just a few short days I will walk out these doors with all of my stuff with the intention of not living here ever again. This is not to say that it will not happen but it is my goal to not live with my mother again. I am after all a 23 year-old college graduate that needs to be out on her own in order to survive.

As I sit in a room full of stuff and that is all it is just stuff I am forced to reflect on different things and try to get it all in order. I have learned a few things already. I have way to much stuff which I don't need. Money is important but it isn't everything. And that this will not be successful if I don't get on it right away, so with that I go to pack somemore then to Fort Wayne to attempt to find a job. Have a good day everyone.

The L word

You all know it is that word...The one word that will send me running faster than anything else in the world just because of all of the things that it includes in its meaning. I find myself in a dangerous place for me and I don't know what to do with it or the emotions that go with it.

I know that we have only been dating for a couple of months, well only since after Eric and I went our own separate ways for the last time, or at least what we believe is the last time.

The guy I am seeing is wonderful, treats me like a princess which is always nice and every girl needs a guy who will treat her like that but then what do you do when you (I) decide to move away from Warsaw and live with an long time friend for at least a year. Not that I think we will be getting married before a year is over but I will be living 40 miles away from here and we have problems scheduling around the 6 miles that currently separate us.

I have had several people ask me what my problem is the L word and I can't really pin point it, well I could but no one would understand it completely. There are so many things that go into being in L--- Sorry still can't bring myself to say it or type it but if you can read or if you have ever listened to music you know what it is.

I mean lets think about it...
I think I L--- you but what I am so afraid of...I'm afraid that I'm not sure of a L--- There is no cure for...
L Is for the way you look at me O is for the....
Can you feel the L--- tonight the peace the evening brings

Hollywood also contributes to the way people feel about L--- by writing and producing movies like When Harry Met Sally.

So where do I stand on the L word...I'm all for it but I don't know if I have it in me to proclaim it from the rooftops.

The Willows at Coventry

As you may guess by the title or maybe not, hard saying really, I have found an apartment and put the security deposit down on it. It is wonderful and I have a wonderful roommate, most people know her as the roommate I had in college, Bethaney, we are really looking forward to moving in in early July. We are both ready to make this transition to 'adulthood' as it were.

We each have our own room and the rent really isn't that unaffordable when there are two people living there. Now I am really cracking down on getting a job in Fort Wayne so that this move goes a lot smoother than it would if for some reason I am not able to find a job right away.

The complex has all kinds of wonderful amenities to offer us, swimming pool, fire place, hot tub, handyman, fully stocked fishing pond, just to name a few. I even think that once I give my mom directions she may be able to find it again. This also applies to my friends and other family members (sorry Staci).

There is a lot that will go into this moving including figuring out where my current relationship stands and if it would be best for us to call it off and just be friends or if we should make a go of it even during the move. I am hoping that he wants to try to make a go of it but it is hard saying really. I really like Tadd much more than I ever expected myself to, since he is no where near what I would consider my type, but I know moving 2 counties away may put a strain on what ever it is we are trying to build here.

There are other complications to the whole lets move to Fort Wayne thing but they are not serious and I know that we will be fine over all. My dads parents don't know what is going on yet because I have chosen to keep them out of the loop. They seem to create enough drama on their own without me telling them that I am moving away again and this time there is very little if anyway I am moving back in the near future. My mom parents don't know either because I am currently housesitting their house and they are off in AZ visiting grandpa's sister.

In other news:
--Kyle's graduation party was over all a success
--My mom is crazier than ever
--My grandma Wright is going to drive me over the edge it is a good thing that I work a lot
--I will get my car back before I move
--God is good and I know that we are doing the right thing

Everyone have a good night, I'm sure there will be more to come in the next couple weeks here.

2 very busy weeks

This has been 2 very busy weeks to say the least that all culminated today with the final major event.

On May 28 my best friend Sarah got married and that was rough for me. I watched her walk down the isle and I cried because it hurt and yet I was strangely happy. I know that this is what is best for her and I know she will be happy but it didn't make it hurt any less.

My brother graduated from high school on Friday and I was forced to sit through the commencement ceremony which may I say was horrible. Then today was his Open house which was also horrible because of the family and all of the pointless bickering and whinning.

My grandfather landed himself in the hospital late Thursday night and is still there today. He will be home tomorrow if all goes well and ultimately he will be fine but for now my grandmother is nothing but a drama queen. She has even started talking about not going on vacation which I think is a big load of crap.

I am stressed out but Bethaney will be here on Tuesday and we are going to go look for apartments so hopefully all will go well and I can put an end to this.