A new prospective

Today I went to see a friend who's wife is the hospital again which doesn't make it easy for anyone, yet they have no insurance, and no real reasoning for what is going on in their lives but they have amazing peace. Jennifer Morse today had her entire large intestine taken out of her body in an attempt to ease some of the pain that she is currently facing.

My week hasn't been so great yet I am overall healthy. I am not laying in a hospital bed waiting to hear what has been wrong for me, and I wonder why someone with such strong faith has fallen ill whereas a person like me who is full of doubt is generally healthy. God never ceases to amaze me.

A great day

Today was a day that took me back to the way things used to be. I spent the day in Indianapolis with my old college roommate and our best friend. I will write more about it sometime tomorrow. Good night, now I sleep.

There are nights

Last night was rough, I struggled to sleep. I hope to be okay.

Christmas #24

This was my 24th Christmas ever. It is hard to think that I am 23 now and have been around for so long.

Christmas Eve was spent with my dads parents which I always a rough experience for me because we have so many different points of view when it comes to life and how it should be lived. We left their house after 1130 and they are now headed back to their home in Florida which they are really looking forward to because of the recent wave of less than desirable temperatures and snow here. I can tell that I have gotten older because now I want practical gifts over things that would be more 'fun.' Can opener, mixer, toaster and other misc. Kitchen supplies were the majority of my gifts from them. I also got a couple of DVD's that I had requested which will be nice when I have free time again.

Christmas day was good, I slept and opened gifts at home which I had purchased all of myself except one so it was nice to have one gift that I didn't know that I had. Then the day at my mom's parents where I got gift cards, luggage set and crock pot, all things that are practical as well. I got to spend quite a bit of time with my cousin Lexy, which I loved and she makes me smile. She doesn't want me to leave which doesn't make make it any easier for me.

For the next few days I will be at my aunt and uncles house babysitting their dog, Misty. It will be a nice break from all the crap.

Christmas With Family

Wow today was a long day and only a few people who read this will understand the fact that there are times when my family never ceases to amaze me. I will right more tomorrow.

Time

Time is shorter today than it has been on other days. It is the first day of winter and the weather shows it quite nicely.

So cold

As the weather in northern Indiana changes it is hard to Ignore that fact that going outside is a 10 plus minute endeavor in an attempt to not freeze to death. It is bitter cold as it often gets this time of year here. So I am shivering and cold and out right grouchy. I will write later. Have a good night.

Sigh

Yesterday was one of those days where you think....what on earth am I doing.

The Saturday before Christmas and here I sat waiting to get into mall so that I could purchase a last minute gift for my aunt could give it to here grandson. It was a long wait to find a parking space and not even a good one at that. I walked through the lot to the mall doors only to walk into more craziness which made for a long walk around to the store that I needed to go to so that I could make this purchase. I did find the gift that she desired for him and then decided to look around since I was already in the mall to see if there was anything else that I thought we could use for those that we still don't have gifts for. I was unsuccessful in finding anything to add to our Christmas collection. I did however sit and watch people for a while just to blow off some steam.

I watched as the walked by with no smiles on their faces and the look of last minute panic on their faces. The coldness of the each person as they ran from store to store it made me wonder if they even know why this season exists. Jesus was born, or at least that is what we celebrate on December 25, so that He could die for the fallen man which isn't easy to swallow when you really thinking about it. I wonder how much pain I cause God when I do the things that I do and how much it must hurt Him because I simply continue to do so. There are times that I sin and don't think anything about it till later but more often than no I know what I am doing wrong and simply don't care or choose to care about what I am doing.

As I look toward this Christmas there are many things to be thankful for including the fact that I am moving in six months and I am excited and can't wait to get this started. I have a wonderful cousin that I care the world about and am so blessed to finally get a chance to get to know. I have always known that she is a great girl but now I know it for sure and I love her more than I think that she even knows. I have some wonderful friends that mean the world to me and I can't imagine my life without them. I have a great church and it will be hard to leave it when it is all said and done, even when their are times that I can't wait to leave all of the gossip, I know that they love me there and yet my seat will be filled with someone else quickly once I leave. I have found the love of my life and I know it for sure yet I know that he will not be one I marry which is even harder to swallow right now (this could change but only time will tell on both our parts). I have a family that drives me crazy to say the least yet no matter what I do I am stuck with them forever. I am thankful that I know Christ and I know what He did for me and although I have hurt Him on countless occasions He is still my God and He gives me grace a mercy even though I don't deserve it.

So as I look toward this holiday I have to remember that this is it for me here in Indiana unless something huge were to change in the next six months, yet knowing the God I know this could happen because He has one funny sense of humor about things like that.

Drained

I am sure that in the next few days I will have a 'real' update for this thing but it will not be tonight.

No idea where to start

Today was horrible and I don't even know where to start. I am tired and getting to the point where I get mean...perhaps this will be a better topic for Friday.

Bryan

There are many ways to describe Bryan but for those who know him the best way to do it is that he is just Bryan...

Tonight I talked to Bryan for nearly two hours and it was funny and great and I hope this relationship works out like he deserves it too. He loves that girl and for that I am happy yet she seems set on playing games with his heart and it hurts me to see that.

We talked about everything...literally. Even things that I won't come close to talking about on here. We laughed, he drank which is fine with me. There many subjects covered including his fathers illness and how he really wants to have a sense of humor about it all. There are going to be times over this next year that it is going to hurt more than he can stand and I want to be there for him and help him through this transition.

I miss his completely inappropriate jokes and off color comments about just about anything that he can come up with yet it makes for some good laughs in the long run. If you would have told me once I graduated high school that I would have any contact with Bryan I would have laughed because we spent most of the time together trying to avoid each other. Still now he has really grown up and I can appreciate him for who he is trying to become.

Wow Bryan has made some good memories over the last few months if only he knew. Laughing, crying, and just talking which has been wonderful. I can't wait to talk to him again.

A change of heart

Today was a rough day for me. As of late I have fallen quite ill and have had to deal with a lot of 'stuff' that I have had pinned up inside. I know that there are going to be days, weeks, and even months that do not go as smoothly as we would hope.

I have let go of all of my dreams and given them to God. For years now I have had a picture perfect idea of how things were supposed to play out and as time goes on I am finally starting to realize that, those things that I had set out for myself are not always what God wants. Just because God doesn't answer doesn't mean He don't care, has been a line that has played over and over again in my head.

Today I sat alone for a very long while as per my own request. I am in love with everything and that is harder to deal with than I ever thought possible. I am in love with a person who doesn't love me and although I have tried to get over him or get past it, it has not come easy. I have thought of several different ways to get over what all has happened over the last few months, including going back to a guy that I dated semi-long-term while I was in college. I know that he loves me, he tells me every time he calls to see how I am doing, yet I also know that our choice to call the relationship off was the right one for the two of us. I still long for that relationship, to be held, hugged, kissed, and told that I am beautiful and I don't have it. I wonder where the next few months will take me as far as relationships are considered but I know that it will be okay no matter what now.

As I stare a move straight in the eyes it has not gotten any easier to deal with, yet I will deal with it and I will make it. I know that there is still time to change my mind but in many ways I feel like I would be a disappointment if I chose to do so. I do not want to disappoint the family and my friends yet if the right person or job would come my way then I would give it all up to follow suit. I would change my 'life plan' in order to fall in love and I may go forward with it if I don't find love here. There is so much more to say but it will have to wait for a later time.

Christmas

So Christmas is quickly approaching and many are setting their way out for their breaks from school, but I don't get to do that anymore. I haven't felt real great here lately so I am off to bed.

Random

Life is random at best.

You do stuff all the time but then you realize that it is life and it makes stuff seem so strange.

When the time comes

"When the time comes to move on it will be harder than you ever thought possible Julia. There will still be tears and there will be heartache and it will never be easy but some days will be better than others and it will ultimately okay. It will be okay I promise and no matter what you will always have me. Good-bye, Julia, I will always remember your friendship and I love you."

These are words that I heard today as a long time friendship left my life for a long time. There are times that it is hard to realize that I am in fact 23 years old now and that I have to take a different paths than those who I have known for so long. As one of best friends left it was hard to sit and face it. Many of the people that I consider friends are now married or soon will be and that is hard when I sit here as single as I ever have been and don't even have a real prospect on a relationship. I have looked for love in all of the wrong ways and that hurts to every time that it doesn't work out.

I don't think that we are no longer friends and I don't think that we have left each others lives forever yet it hurts to see my friends move on with their lives and here I sit stagnant. Still living with my mom which is a disgrace to everyone around me. I have people who look up to me and consider me a role model who see that once I went to school I came home and did nothing with my life and still need to accomplish things. I have made new friends along the way one being Alan, who I go to school with now. We met when I was in Salt Lake one time it was great, he is the only face that I have to go along with my current degree endeavors. Some day there will be many other faces to go along with his but until then it is what I have.

It is hard to see where I am going to end up or exactly how I get there and there will be many more 'new' friends along the way and possibly reconnecting with some old ones as time goes on but until then I will sit here and wait to see what is going to happen in the future. So I end this post just like I started it:

"When the time comes to move on it will be harder than you ever thought possible Julia. There will still be tears and there will be heartache and it will never be easy but some days will be better than others and it will ultimately okay. It will be okay I promise and no matter what you will always have me. Good-bye, Julia, I will always remember your friendship and I love you."

Its gonna snow

At work today you would think that it was the first time that people living in northern Indiana were going to have to deal with a snow storm. That's right its going to snow but there is no reason to freak out. There will be groceries when the roads get plowed and as long as you slow down you will be able to come get them. We are open 24 hours a day until Christmas Eve when we close at 6pm but we reopen promptly at 6 am on the 26th so it is not the end of the world.

Wow some people never stop amazing me.

Today, that's all I have to say

Today was a lazy day in my world and since they don't come around so often I took full advantage of it. I slept in late, until 10 am which made the rest of my day seem very short to say the least. I laid around and read for a while and thought about things that I really needed to think about. Went to church and taught my 3, 6-9 year-olds that showed up and came home. It was wonderful and I can honestly say that I didn't really do an darn thing.

I have taken steps to be more open with people around me and it has not come easily for me. To show them what I am really feeling instead of what I want them to think that I am feeling. It is so much easier to simply hide behind what I think they want to see rather than be emotional and honest with them.

Excitement has started to overcome me as I look toward the future and what it has to offer me. There is no way to completely express the joy that I have. I am ready and I am sure and that is harder than I ever thought it would be. When you are sure there seem to be little insignificant things that keep you held back even when you so desperately want to move forward. There are a million reasons to be happy and yet often we find the one reason to be sad. For me that reason is that I will be leaving so much here that I want so desperately to hold onto. Even with all the junk that goes on around here it is still home and no matter if I like it or not these people are still my family, even with all the flaws.

The hardest thing for me to leave here will be my best friend Eric and my church. Eric will be hard because he has no idea how I really feel about him and I have no intentions of telling him. I wish I had the courage to do so but there seems to be so much holding me back. I talk to his best friend often about this mystery person and I am fairly certain that Bryan knows exactly who I am talking about but doesn't want to say anything. To me it is so clear that it could be a wonderful thing but I don't know if I have the courage to cross the bridge. My church although I often get frustrated or upset with the things that go on there it is still my church and there isn't anything that I can do about it. I know that there are many other churches out there but there aren't any that are going to be just like this one and I am sure that it will always hold a very special place in my heart.

So now I continue my journey forward and it is still a one step at a time process that will take several months now to complete.

Laughing

Last night I laughed and it was wonderful to just chat and crack up. We laughed over memories and stupid things that would never happen but it was wonderful. I have so much to say but not enough time to say it.

Today was my cousin Lexy's 10th birthday and it was nice to see her. I love that little girl and I love her brother too and wish I could see them more. Well it is late. Have a good night. A longer post to come.

There are days that it is just that easy

Just after midnight my phone rang and of course since I was up I answered it. And much to my surprise it was my roommate from college. We talked well into the morning hours and I enjoyed all of it. I will write more about it later. Have a great night

OH NO

Have you ever been sitting in the car driving down the road when you suddenly remember all the things that you needed to complete and now you have no time to actually get them done...that is where I am. More to follow.

Finding the words

There are so many times that I have so much to say but have no way to express it in written form. I fear that tonight may be one of those nights.

I have put myself out there and it hurts to know that now I must be the one who is waiting and understanding no matter what the end result may be. Today I have been all over the map emotionally. I could blame it on any number of things but I won't. I know that there is a point when you must be broken in order to get where you need to be and to see why some things have played out the way that they have.

There is so much internal fog right now that it is hard to give myself some form of direction. I am sure that it will be okay and that in the end all will be fine but the path to get there seems to be the one that is going to hurt the most.

The letter of complete honesty...Wow this was hard

First and foremost I am writing this because I consider you such a valuable friend and I feel as though I can no longer continue on as if nothing has happened between us when in fact it has. I knew that the transition back to being ‘just friends’ would not be easy yet it has proven even harder than I planned for it to be, for me.

I realize that we only dated for about six weeks but in those six weeks our friendship and the way that I feel about you changed. Not changed as in the value of you in my life or changed in the way that I feel when you walk into a room or log on for a short chat, yet it has changed. I have spent the last several months trying to pretend that it didn’t but it did. I can not pinpoint the exact moment in which I realized that it had happened but now I know for sure that it did.

There is no reason for me to continue on like it hasn’t. I fell head over heals for you which in all honesty I never expected. I figured it would just be a nice way to get to spend more time with you. Not that my heart would love your smiles, your laugh, long pointless walks, simply hanging out and being comfortable with someone that I care about.

The night that you first kissed me was different than any other night. My heart melted, like it never had before, and I am still trying to figure out why. I know this may seem very strange to you but having known you for as long as I have made it seem even stranger to me to be falling for you.

There are so many other words that seem to need to be said here but finding them is fleeting. I have noticed that even when you piss me off, I want you in my life. The fact you can’t commit, you don’t know where you are headed, and you have no idea how you plan to get there make me smile because then I know that you are being honest with me.

I fear being this honest with you may strain our friendship but I honestly feel that it is the only way to keep myself sane. I have heard from several people that things were different when I was around you and how I felt showed every time someone, no matter who it was mentioned you. For me you will be the one who got away and the one who stole my part of my heart.

In My Heart Always,

Julia M. Wright

Dear...

You have touched my life in ways that aren't even explainable and in a few short weeks I will leave forever. I will never tell you face to face how I feel or what is going on inside my head and heart yet I will leave and be forced to wonder what may have been, what could have been, and what could have happened if I would have just trusted my gut. It is hard to say that there is no way that I will ever know what may have come from what I felt deep inside, yet I will walk away and smile.

There are those times

There are those times that you deal with the hand the you are dealt in life.

I have never been good at dealing with what I am given. I know that God is great and has everything under control but it is hard to say that this is the way that it is going to stay. I know that it is okay, no matter what I may so or how I may act I know that He does. Today I found one post from a friend that really struck close to home. You can read it at www.ericbradley.com it is interesting and deals with issue that I think we all deal with at many times in our lives.

Just Be

There are days where you just need to be. Today is one of those days and it has been wonderful.