A change of heart

Today was a rough day for me. As of late I have fallen quite ill and have had to deal with a lot of 'stuff' that I have had pinned up inside. I know that there are going to be days, weeks, and even months that do not go as smoothly as we would hope.

I have let go of all of my dreams and given them to God. For years now I have had a picture perfect idea of how things were supposed to play out and as time goes on I am finally starting to realize that, those things that I had set out for myself are not always what God wants. Just because God doesn't answer doesn't mean He don't care, has been a line that has played over and over again in my head.

Today I sat alone for a very long while as per my own request. I am in love with everything and that is harder to deal with than I ever thought possible. I am in love with a person who doesn't love me and although I have tried to get over him or get past it, it has not come easy. I have thought of several different ways to get over what all has happened over the last few months, including going back to a guy that I dated semi-long-term while I was in college. I know that he loves me, he tells me every time he calls to see how I am doing, yet I also know that our choice to call the relationship off was the right one for the two of us. I still long for that relationship, to be held, hugged, kissed, and told that I am beautiful and I don't have it. I wonder where the next few months will take me as far as relationships are considered but I know that it will be okay no matter what now.

As I stare a move straight in the eyes it has not gotten any easier to deal with, yet I will deal with it and I will make it. I know that there is still time to change my mind but in many ways I feel like I would be a disappointment if I chose to do so. I do not want to disappoint the family and my friends yet if the right person or job would come my way then I would give it all up to follow suit. I would change my 'life plan' in order to fall in love and I may go forward with it if I don't find love here. There is so much more to say but it will have to wait for a later time.