Yesterday

Yesterday I wrote a long post and then it didn't get published which in retrospect may be a good thing, at least for me. Some of the things that I said in it were not nice and could have easily hurt people that they were said about. To be honest I even named names of people who have hurt me or that I feel like don't care nearly as much as they say they do. Today I will keep my post short and not go into the detail and the emotions that I allowed myself to get into yesterday that is for sure.

Church tonight was different to say the least but it was still good. I will have more to say later but for now I need to take a break.

Defining moments

I'm not sure how often you should have a defining moment in life but there are several that I see in the not so distant future for me and they scare me because in many ways they will change the direction I am headed and what tools I will need to get there.

1. To find a special someone and settle down or remain single and forgo the whole 'family' thing
2. Career, career, career...I have spent several and by that I mean 5 in all now and quickly approaching 6 years in school and still am struggling to find something that I know I will love.
3. Truth, how do I explain everything as truthfully as possible and not get hurt in the long run.
4. Do I stay or do I go? The question so simple yet so very complex for me. There is so much at stake here and I know that I could be happy there.

The one moment that I have already had is letting go. It hurt and even as I write about it I sit here and cry. The relationship that I have tried to hold onto for so long is now gone and I will never have it again. I drew my lines and stood my ground and lost it all. I knew that could happen, I really did, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. The person that I could so easily have seen myself marrying is now out of my life and contact has been completely ended for the time being. I am sure that over time things will slowly change back to what we had before now.

1000 words

A picture is worth 1000 words or so they say so what is a feeling or emotion worth? I have to wonder. How much can I tie up with simple emotions.

Amazing

Today my thought is just a worship chorus:

Amazing, Amazing, I can't believe what You've done for me
Amazing, Amazing, Your love amazes me.

No place to start

There are so many times that when you look over a situation that you find yourself in there is really no place to start. There is no place to draw lines and there is no place to say, ah this is how my journey here began. It is hard for me to see where my story began that ultimately ended up in this week. There is no need to really elaborate because it is nothing if not complicated.

I have a story to be told but no way to really tell it. So until I have a beginning and an ending I think I will simply keep it to myself.

Wow

Today in church it was awesome even though I didn't really move or respond a whole lot I loved what Pastor Cox had to say about thing that are going on. He spent most of the night talking about commitment and how families teach their children to hold things such as the church as important things in their lives. If a mother and a father are not willing to pray with their child or are not willing to seek help when it is needed then the children will now learn these things either and eventually they will not have these values themselves and will struggle to find their place when they are on their own. I know that I just did the message no justice whatsoever but trust me it was good.

It really gave me some things to think about and pray about and really start to define some of my own limits. This is going to be a real task over the next few months because I don't know where for sure I am going to draw them. Transition is a difficult place to be to say the least and I know that the next little while I will defining my commitment more and more.

Eric wrote some very interesting stuff today that I really appreciated and was right up my alley as far as things I need to hear. He is changing with everyday of school and I love how honest he can be about the things that he is dealing with. It is amazing how even though I have known him since I was 12 and he was 11 we are in such a difficult place in both out lives for two different reasons. I want nothing more than to be completely honest with him about everything yet I really can't not right now because of where I am really sitting spiritually and emotionally. He has been there through so much but this one time I need to deal with this all alone then go to him and tell him how I feel. I don't want to live in the past and I have no intention of doing so which I think is why I found his writing so pivotal today.

Today was a good day and tomorrow will be better. Back to school on Thursday but you win some you loose some, and in all honesty accounting can't be as bad as econ.

And it snowed

So last night was a long night and now I am 100% confined to my house until we get the drive way cleaned up. I can't even get out of my parking space. It is a bit overwhelming. Last night it just snowed and didn't stop for a long while. I did get to talk to Eric for a while but not a long while so it was nice to just stand outside and smile and chat with him. I love that boy, I don't think I can say that enough or perhaps I say it to much.

There are so many different things that need to be said that I don't know how to say. This is a good thing and it will allow me the time to really get the wording and the approach right.

Although I am disappointed about not being able to go away this weekend it has been good for me to just take some time for me. I don't do that real often and it really is nice. I have two more days to waist and I'm loving every minute of it. I don't like being trapped at home with a brother who can't drive anywhere because he managed to total mom's car but it is okay. As long as we try not to spend to much time in the same room it will all work out to be okay.

So I will be around all day tomorrow but I don't know where exactly I will be. I am also thinking that in the not so distant future I am going to go see Nina for a couple of days since she moved away. That seems to be a theme for single people in my church...Moving away. There really isn't anything here for us and that doesn't make staying any easier. So I am going to do stuff all night, I don't know what all 'stuff' is but it will no doubt be good for me.

Survey says

So we just found out that the car that Kyle wrecked yesterday is totaled. That's right my mom's Buick has bit the dust and now we start the ever popular search for a new car and figure out what on earth we are going to do with the old one.

It will be an even longer weekend than I thought...sigh.

So today

Today I walked and walked and walked then when I was done walking alone, I came home and sat alone and it was wonderful. There were so many moments where I was honestly thinking about nothing at all and I loved every minute of it. There was peace and joy the same as I just walked.

I am sure I will have more to write later but for now I must say Good-bye.

Changes of plans

As it snows more and more, I am stuck here in Indiana which is not where I had planned on being to say the least. I expected to well on my way to a place where it is warmer and my old friends are close at hand, yet here I sit in my mom's kitchen on my computer completely ticked off about the whole situation.

These last few days have been difficult to say the least. Between poor decision making on my part, feeling abandoned by friends, and needing that relationship to get started it has been a bit bumpy. So now I have a 4 day weekend to waist and I plan on doing just that. I plan on sleeping in to late and not caring, I plan on eating junk food and not worry about calories, and most importantly I plan to take some time just for me to work on putting into order some of the issues that I have on my heart.

Today I read a blog about taking things too personally when it comes to friendships and such. I do take it personally that Bryan won't listen to me and think about what he is doing to his life while attempting to spend it with a girl who is out to break his heart. I do take it personally that he isn't willing to think that the pain I feel is justified and understandable. I do take it personally that Eric isn't willing to consider something that is right in front of him. I do take it personally that he is so sure his parents wouldn't accept a girl because of the way she looks, it does hurt. And more importantly I take it personally when members of my own family are set that the choices that I am making in my own life are the wrong ones and aren't willing to take the time to listen to what I have to say and why I am choosing the things that I am choosing.

So tomorrow I will take a walk in the snow and think. Then I will sit around and think about what it was that I took time to walk and think about. This will still be the long weekend that I was so looking forward to, the problem is it simply won't be in the same location that I wanted it to be in. Oh well such is life.

The next few days

The next few days are going to be wonderful for me. I am headed off for a few days and you won't be able to reach me, so don't try. Econ is over woohoo and now I have 7 days to do as I please and I plan to make the best of them. Have a good weekend.

Homework

Homework isn't a pleasant thing yet it is a necessary evil. So I will be here tied to my computer for the next several hours.

Two Days later

It is 2 days later and I still can't stop thinking about the things that I witnessed on Saturday night. The hurt and the pain that my close friend is experiencing and for the most part is completely unaware is taking place. I have cried, prayed, and even begged God to open his eyes to this unfairness that has over taken his life.

I have sat in shock and I have been in complete denial for the most part about some of the stuff that took place yet I know that I am loved. Not in a relationship sense but in a I have a cousin who loves me, friends who genuinely care about me, and a life that although it has hit some speed bumps along the way will be okay.

Tonight I will pray for all of my friends and family especially those who do not know God and wonder around facing things that are not necessary.

Hurt

Last night a was a painful night for me. Eric picked me up shortly after 6 and we went off to see our friend Bryan and talk to him about his current choice of relationship. We both care deeply for Bryan and I can honestly say that I have been disgusted with the way he has chosen to go about his dating life. The girl that he has had a crush on has done nothing but break his heart and kill his emotions and from where I stand this is the last thing that he needs. There are enough other issues in his life at the moment that a new girlfriends, who either doesn't care or has a very strange way of showing it, isn't what he needs or even deserves.

For quite a while it was just the three of us hanging out because Michelle, the new girlfriend, bailed out when she found out that I would be coming into town as well. There were a few opportunities to ask Bryan why he is choosing the things that he is and strangely enough he really didn't have an answer to any of it. We chatted for quite a long time then decided to see if we could get a hold of Michelle and see if we could in fact meet up with her at Applebee's for a while and just hang out and talk. This was important to me because I wanted to finally meet Michelle and see if the things the Bryan himself had described to me were in fact as he said, and much to my own dismay they were even worse than I had thought.

We all had drinks, except Eric who had ice tea, but nothing to heavy. I had a strawberry daquori, Bryan had 2 beers, Michelle had a smoothie type drink, and Joe, who I will explain in a minute had 2 beers but we clearly over his limit before the night got to far underway. We all sat around and chatted but Joe was different, he is the reason that Michelle can't seem to give Bryan the love that he deserves. Michelle and Joe have been friends for years and that is great and they even dated for what appears to be a fairly long time. Joe spent the entire night attacking Bryan and Eric directly but seemed to stay away from me and the things that I had to say. The word for him I would have to say is jerk and that is the nicest one that I can come up with. Between the fact that he used the f-word every chance he got and the fact he made off color, at best, jokes about Eric and Bryan and the things that they do he wasn't winning any points with anyone at the table.

What made this trip out for drinks ever worse was the fact that while Eric and I were trying to watch how Bryan and Michelle interact with each other she in choose to ignore the fact Bryan was even there and spent all of her time talking to Joe and whispering into his ear about different things that were apparently not good enough for the rest of the table to hear. This whole process sent Bryan back to being a 5 year-old kid trying to get mommy's attention and get someone to pay attention to him and what he was doing, and from where I sat this was painful to watch.

I love Bryan, I really do no matter how angry he makes me at times and I want him to be happy and smile and enjoy his life yet he seems to feel this need to self distrust that no one can get through to him that needs to stop. Today I hurt for Bryan and the things that I witnessed last night and the pain that will follow. My heart breaks that the lost feel this need to hurt themselves, nearly convincing themselves that this is the way that it needs to be. The world that they live in isn't worthy of showing them love and they simply accept that.

I am so thankful that I am no longer lost and that I know the truth even if I choose not to follow it at times. Today with tearful eyes and a broken heart for a dear friend, I thank God I am no longer there.

There is a great piece written about last night on Eric's sight if you would like to read it. www.ericbradley.com

Regret

Regret is a strange thing...

Often times you know that you are going to regret doing something before you even do it. You know what you are about to say is going to hurt the person you say it to yet you go ahead and say it anyway. You know the action that you are about to take part in is wrong and yet you do it anyway. It is strange to think that there are so many times that you know 100% that you will regret what you are doing and yet we continue to do so.

So here I sit looking over my life relizing how much regret I have really built up. Sigh...

Hey baby its cold outside

Man it is cold. It is hard to believe that it was 60 degrees here a few days ago..Actually 3 days ago and now we are hovering near zero. There was an avalanche in my beloved Utah today where it is expected that several people have died and that doesn't make it any easier to think about. My cousin was worried about me and I love that about her. I'm not even in Utah but because she couldn't figure out where I was because I hadn't seen or talked to her in a few days she actually had concern for me. So even as I sit here cold, I know that I am loved.

So

Here I am at 11:05 trying to find something to express what is going on inside and yet I really can't. I know that there are feeling that are building up and I know that I don't like them so much yet here I am trying to define what what they are.

Old Times

There are things that are old when we think about them. They are vast in range yet seem so simple. Sunday night while standing on the platform of my church praise singing as I have several times before I realized that I don't have the same drive that many of the old time hymn writers had.

Amazing grace how sweet the sound....
When we all get to heaven....
Out from under the shadows....
Come on and walk on the water with me....

The most power songs are not the contemporary ones that we all know and sing but those that tell a story of how they came to be.

Today I spent a whole lot of time thinking, which I am starting to think (hahaha) was a bad idea. I am going to make some final decisions about my future in the next 48 hours so if you read this...Pray.

hmmm...

Today was a strange day for me. Trying to find a way to open up yet getting nowhere so fast that it nearly drove me nuts. I know that there are times when it is right to open up and show that 'human' side of myself yet today appears to be one of those days that it is not that time.

Sleep

Yes I got up and went to church today and I slept a lot yesterday and already had a nap today. This whole being an adult thing very tiring. Well I am off to take, more than likely, another nap.

Do I have any issues

Wow what a question! Yet the answer is an amazingly simple YES!

There are many things in my life that I know are issues including my ability to turn off my emotions and feelings whenever I feel that someone is getting to close to me or could possibly be figuring out who I am and what I stand for. Whenever I feel someone get that close I shut everything off so that ultimately I can't get hurt because I won't let them in.

If live were so easy that I won't ever get hurt I would think that I was the luckiest person alive, yet even with all my attempts to keep myself from getting hurt I end up hurting myself even more. By protecting myself from various forms of attachment and emotional connection I get upset when I am unable to express my emotions to someone who I really care about. I am not just referring to my best friend, although that is a prime example of protecting myself so that I don't get hurt. If he doesn't know how I really feel and what I am really thinking then the pain that I feel is simply my own fault and there is no way to blame others for it. I don't get nearly as upset when I am hurting myself and then no one else can really really hurt me along the way.

I also fear that in many ways I don't deserve to be happy and I don't deserve to feel safe when I am with someone. I know that I feel safe when I am with Eric even at 2 am driving home from Fort Wayne silently in the dark. I can sit in silence and not worry about what he is thinking or about what may come from the conversations that I have with him. He doesn't judge me no matter how many opportunities he has and I can honestly say that when I talk to him I feel happy and safe, and I now wonder if this is part of the reason I can't tell him how I feel. I don't believe that I am worthy of feeling or being either of those things.

There are so many issues that it is hard to even think about putting them all into writing I would be here all day and even then I would have not even begun to work my way through some of the rather strange things that I feel inside and the way that I choose to interact when I am with a group of people or more importantly alone with any one person. I know that I feel safe when I am with my cousin and I can tell her anything and she will not judge me and I hope she feels the same with me because I want nothing more than for her to have all of the things that I don't. I love that she is in love and I love that she is beautiful and I love that she is my cousin. I miss her so much and can't believe that we came out of the same bloodline mainly because even though we both have our issues she is the best thing to happen to me and to this family, even if they don't want to admit it, in an entire generation.

Today has been a thinking day, in case you couldn't tell. Have a good day.

Cold, Colder, Coldest

Today I am freezing and there is nothing I can do about it. I have to do all the same junk everyday and then don't a bit of recognition for it. I am just frustrated that is all.

No real title

Last night I had a wonderful conversion with Eric, that was needed to help me regain a grip on reality and the things that I am facing at the moment. The conversation revolved around opportunities, priorities, and timing of how things are slowly starting to fall into place. There were many humorous quotes that came up though out the evening some from me and some from him and it was good to get a chance to just laugh again.

I miss him so much and he has no idea, or at least that is what I choose to believe. He knows that I care and would love to have him in my life on a more regular basis, yet I wonder if that is the right thing to do. It has been hard trying to find out what where I really want this to go.

There seem to be several songs playing on the radio about looking for love and the whole time it is right in front of you. I feel more and more that it could be happening. I have said before that I love him and I guess a better way to word it is I was infatuation with him and those feelings have lead to a change of heart and have over time turned into love and now I find myself struggling to express that to him more and more.

I'm reminded of a song that I have heard several times over the last few days...

Somebody in the next car,
Somebody on the morning train,
Somebody in the coffee shop that you walk by everyday,
Somewhere out there is somebody.

Ewwww

Today's weather is miserable at best. It is an all out ice storm which makes driving more fun than it should be allowed to be. I will write more later.

Today's Lesson

Today I learned that I shouldn't answer my phone unless I think I might know who is going to be on the other end of the line. So I got called into work when I was really wanting to take some time to just be, and think. Not that I haven't had the opportunity to do so over the last couple of weeks, yet I felt as though I needed more. I know that throughout life there will be plenty of opportunities to sit and think about things, but I don't think we take advantage of them enough.

I know that there are so many time we don't use time to our advantage and that is frustrating. I have a whole lot to say here, yet no way to say it. Sigh....

The Day

I knew when I moved in here 9 days ago that I wouldn't be able to stay forever yet I really want to. I haven't been back out to my mom's house since I moved up here and don't really want to return.

Although it will be nice in interact with something other than the dog on a nightly basis, I know that in a few days I will be so annoyed that I will want to live alone again and keep it that way. I'm fairly certain that living alone will have its perks in the not so distant future.

Man I've gotta clean this place up. Have a good day, perhaps a new post tonight.

A Change

This last week has been full of changes for me not just one thing impartiality but many smaller changes that are not the easiest things to process when you are me. I am an over-thinker and if I didn't overanaylize things most people would be shocked if nothing more.

First of all a new year started which is a perfect opportunity to think about the things that have happened in your life, world events, and priorities. A new year wouldn't be right unless you think about the armed forces overseas, the horrible tsunami that hit Asia just one day after Christmas, the death of President Reagan, the hurricanes that ravished the south east over the last season, the end of Saddam Hussein's rule in Iraq, and many other 'big' stories that have crossed the media over 2004. It is amazing to watch and impossible for most of us to comprehend. I pray for everyone that these things touched.

My new job is something that I am starting to reconsider more and more. After spending an evening with Bryan and Eric on Thursday and getting to see Nolan on Wednesday, I have started to notice that I have many friends here that care about me. Watching Nolan care for his very sick wife, Jenn, gave me a chance to think about how much I want to come clean with the person that I care about it yet even when I stood in a room with him I couldn't do it. Bryan made me laugh and laugh and then laugh some more. It was a late night yet it was fun to just 'hang' out with old friends that I don't get to see nearly as often as I would like. Sitting at Bryan's house late into the night laughing and occationally talking seriously with friends was wonderful. Listening to Eric talk about his heightening sense of awareness when it comes to Biblical issues. It was also nice to get to see him smile again and talk about life and other misc. Issues that came up throughout the night. The drive home was nice too although I had forgotten that he really does live on the other side of the world, okay it is just the other side of the county but when driving there it seems to be the other side of the world.

When I attend church services is something else that I am really weighing out which isn't going to be easy for me or for the people that I am close to at my correct church, I have after all been there for over 7 years, yet I am getting the impression more and more that it is time for me to move on. Brittany and Anna will not take it will, which is funny to be because I am thinking about the 6 and 8 year old instead of the adults that I deal with it. I haven't made this decision final yet and I don't plan on jumping into something until I have really thought it out completely.

Tonight is my last night housesitting, yet over the last week and a half I have remembered why I want to live alone so bad. Misty has been a really good dog, that I have only had to correct every day. I have had a hot tub and an internet connection that has been wonderful yet when I get home I will once again go back to the old fashion dial up set up and that is okay I suppose. Now I have to do some laundry and dishes and then start to clean this house up more and play with the dog. Have a good day.

Happy New Year

This is a new start where I take time to sit back and really think. I have some huge choices to make over the next few weeks and until I get them completely sorted it my posts here will be short at best.