Do I have any issues

Wow what a question! Yet the answer is an amazingly simple YES!

There are many things in my life that I know are issues including my ability to turn off my emotions and feelings whenever I feel that someone is getting to close to me or could possibly be figuring out who I am and what I stand for. Whenever I feel someone get that close I shut everything off so that ultimately I can't get hurt because I won't let them in.

If live were so easy that I won't ever get hurt I would think that I was the luckiest person alive, yet even with all my attempts to keep myself from getting hurt I end up hurting myself even more. By protecting myself from various forms of attachment and emotional connection I get upset when I am unable to express my emotions to someone who I really care about. I am not just referring to my best friend, although that is a prime example of protecting myself so that I don't get hurt. If he doesn't know how I really feel and what I am really thinking then the pain that I feel is simply my own fault and there is no way to blame others for it. I don't get nearly as upset when I am hurting myself and then no one else can really really hurt me along the way.

I also fear that in many ways I don't deserve to be happy and I don't deserve to feel safe when I am with someone. I know that I feel safe when I am with Eric even at 2 am driving home from Fort Wayne silently in the dark. I can sit in silence and not worry about what he is thinking or about what may come from the conversations that I have with him. He doesn't judge me no matter how many opportunities he has and I can honestly say that when I talk to him I feel happy and safe, and I now wonder if this is part of the reason I can't tell him how I feel. I don't believe that I am worthy of feeling or being either of those things.

There are so many issues that it is hard to even think about putting them all into writing I would be here all day and even then I would have not even begun to work my way through some of the rather strange things that I feel inside and the way that I choose to interact when I am with a group of people or more importantly alone with any one person. I know that I feel safe when I am with my cousin and I can tell her anything and she will not judge me and I hope she feels the same with me because I want nothing more than for her to have all of the things that I don't. I love that she is in love and I love that she is beautiful and I love that she is my cousin. I miss her so much and can't believe that we came out of the same bloodline mainly because even though we both have our issues she is the best thing to happen to me and to this family, even if they don't want to admit it, in an entire generation.

Today has been a thinking day, in case you couldn't tell. Have a good day.