Bad to Good

So yesterday was a very rough day for me to put it lightly.

I quit my job, yes it is true after 7 years of employment I walked out the front doors and sobbed uncontrollably. I was so upset yet perfectly content with the decision to walk out the door. I am not sorry that I left nor I am really thinking that I want to go back. But I have a meeting with Mr. Pegg in the morning to discuss what happened and see if there is any middle ground to be had regarding what happened. I am sure it will be okay no matter what the final word is.

Last night was a late night but in a great way. I got to spend time with Bethaney and Frieda and just hang out. We went to a hockey game in Fort Wayne then off to Stake N' Shake for the rest of the evening. It was great to see them and talk to them both and just get out with people that I can stand. I have noticed more and more that I don't hang out with people that I like and the ones that I do don't live here anymore. Oh well. I'm off to bed. Have a good night.

Power shift

Today was a day of power shifting in my life. There have been many opportunities that have come forth in my life and I haven't had a clue on how to deal with them. I know that it is not going be easy to deal with a flux of sorts in my own life. Today I have been all over the map emotionally. Let me recap my day.

Got up to go to work, no big deal really, but when I got to work I found out that there are several opening for office staff, that I had once again been overlooked for. This made me angry to say the least but I dealt with it and went to store management to see why I haven't even been considered for these jobs. So at work all day I was stressed out and I honestly don't know if I still work for Marsh Supermarkets, that is something that I will find out in the morning.

Went to church tonight, not because I wanted to but because I had to. Taught the 6-9 year olds and had a horrible time at it. This was my last week teaching and now I can cut my ties to the church which I am really looking forward to doing. Tonight was rough and sad and happy for me, I can now start off on a different journey from here.

Today I have laughed, cried, ripped peoples heads off (sorry to all of you it really wasn't personal), kicked, stomped, punched, and even cursed because of all of the emotions going on in my head at the moment. I don't know exactly where to put them and I am sure that I will sooner or later figure out a good place for them.

Bethaney will get to Fort Wayne in the morning and Elaina will get here some time early Saturday, man I miss them both but at the same time I don't want to face them with the choices that I have made of late because I know that both will be disappointed.

I leave for Salt Lake City in just over a week and I can' t wait to get away from here and take a break and get some confirmation from God on what in the world is going on in my life. So I am stressed out to say the least. Everyone have a good day.

Today was different

Today I wasted the entire day at work. I honestly really didn't do anything and that may be the biggest understatement ever. So now I get ready and I go sleep. Wow how unproductive can one person be.

Today I Sailed On

Last night was a different kind of night for me. I didn't really like where it all headed or how it played out in my mind but it was a good thing. There were so many different things that could have taken place once I had a chance to really process but in the end it all ended up strangely peaceful for me. I am still dealing with changing currents that I have called my life for the last few months. I have so many different things set before and yet I don't know which one to pick up and run with. I have so many feelings and there is no real place to put them. I know there will come a time when I will know but when that comes will I be able to deal with them and all that it initials.

At the end of nearly every one of Christopher Columbus' journals that he wrote as he sailed across the ocean to what he believed were the West Indies he would conclude the days problems the phrase today I sailed on. So I took this approach to my day and it really helped me. Today I sailed on. The ship's rudder broke yet today I sailed on, the waves came crashing down but today I sailed on, the winds pushed me off course still today I sailed on, wow how powerful is that. Life is like that I think in many ways. No matter what happens there must be time to sail on and push though. I suppose I'm in a time of pushing but that doesn't make it easy.

So today I walked on. It was not easy and there is still a mix of emotions running around in my head that I am not quite sure how to deal with because I simply refuse to do so yet I know that there will be a time and a place when it will no longer be an option and it will be more or a necessity to deal with them all. I plan on talking to several good friends over the next few days and putting some of this to rest before I go crazy or drive everyone around me crazy in the process.

School has been good for me and allows me a release that I don't get at work or other places. It gives me a chance to remember that I can do anything that I set my mind to if I simply set down and do it will all I have. I am still struggling through this class but it is a good thing and I now know more about accounting than I ever had so here goes nothing.

Have a good day!

A New Low

Today I have hit a new low even for myself. It is hard to explain really but I know I have and those who know me well enough can see it on my face. I have a desire for something that I can't have and that isn't a place that I really want to be at all. I know that there are going to be times when we know what is going on in God's little world but right now I would really like Him to clue me in and do it fast. I am not a good waiter and I need to see if everything is going to work out or if I have simply lost my mind and that is all there is to that. I hate being like this. I am an emotional train wreck at the moment and not really because of all of this but it isn't helping at all at the moment. I can laugh and two seconds later be in tears in anger or frustration and I for some strange reason can't seem to get a hold of it.

Emotionally anguish I guess you would have to call it if nothing else. I know so much yet I feel like I am so little. I am forced to look at my core beliefs and decided what it is that I hold most dear or if I want to walk away from it all and start over. I have to be honest and admit that walking away and starting over seems like the best choice for me at the moment. I know that there are going to be moments when I will crave everything that I have now but I have turned my back on everything I have ever known over the last few weeks and there seems to be more that I need to put behind me now more than ever.

Last night I went to my old high school and stood beside the bleachers as they read my brothers name on what is his last night as a senior band member at Whitko High School and many emotions came running back to me. I once stood in that very line waiting and not wanting to get emotional about what was happening. It marked the beginning of the end of my high school career. I knew that there would be many trials ahead, of course I had already faced so many in the two years prior. So there I stood staring at the old gymnasium and looking up at the band in the place that I once sat and I wanted to cry as I quickly remembered all the good times and all the bad times that took place in that very spot, in that very building, on any day or any night and the countless hours I spent trying to prove myself to all of those people. My emotions took over and it was like I was back there were we once stood and I knew exactly what was going on and I knew exactly where I stood. The faces were different yet amazingly the same. I saw new hands holding the instruments yet could see the emotion on everyone's face. It was the last game for six of those band members I know that although they are excited about the future they are also scared to death about what lies ahead. The next few months will not be easy for them and the transitions will be huge yet they will all be okay.

So I stood there for a while seeing some old teachers who wanted to know what I had decided to do with my life, although I can give them a whole list of my accomplishments so far that didn't seem enough because my answer is really, I have done nothing with my life, I have gone to school and dated around and that is about it. I am not getting married, like so many that I went to school with, I am not in a career, like a traditional college graduate should be, I am not even sure what I am going to be doing tomorrow no less six months or a year from now. I have no idea where I am headed and more importantly I have no idea how on earth I plan to get there. But yet I stood there proud of everything I haven't done because I know that sooner or later I will settle down into what is considered normal and it will all be Okay and no one will think twice about how long it took me to get there.

To add to my flash from the past my roommate from college Bethaney gave me a call today and we talked for an hour about her life and how it is going and how she is enjoying her new found career. I am happy that she is happy but it makes me long for that even more than I already do. She isn't getting married which is nice, I don't mean that to be mean but all of my friends are getting married and it is starting to sting a bit every time I go to a wedding and another person I know is starting their 'happily ever after' and yet I sit here and wait simply to see how things just might play out. Bethaney is wonderful and I may even get to see her next weekend if everything works out like we hope it will.

I have so much more to say but for now I need to sleep. Have a good night everyone.

Steam valve

Writing has become a way for me to let off steam. When I feel myself quickly approaching the boil over point I am able to sit down and write about anything that I want or that is on my mind. The problem is I wonder if I hurt other people by trying to remain controlled and saving it all for here.

Alone

I have never felt so alone and it is hard to express what I am feeling right now.

I feel like no one cares what I say or what I do. No one cares where I go or if I stay here, like my whole world is spinning and I can't seem to find a way to get it to stop. There are many times that I have wondered what on earth I am doing and I have even acted on these pinned up emotions but when they come out they just don't feel like they mean anything to anyone, even me. I put so much time and effort into making sure that I don't feel emotions or that I am able to cover them up that when it is time to face them or let them out before I hurt myself or someone else I panic or in my world worse I express them.

I am a pusher, no surprise there for anyone who has met me. I push away those who I care about and as a result have lost some very close friends. I don't loose them because of who they are I loose them because of what I do when I am around them and how I act. When I feel like someone is getting to close I push and I push hard. The problem with this is that I then get upset with myself and with them when they don't stick around to see that what I said and what I did weren't personal, it was just a form of self protection.

I want someone to love me, hold me, make me feel safe, smile when I come into a room, and care about me. I want someone who knows that what I am saying does not always mean that much and that they need to look into my eyes to see my real emotions. I know that this is asking a lot but it is what I want or for that matter need. I want to be needed and cared for and be the center of the universe for someone special. I don't know how to express these things to others and that makes it very hard for me. I have so many things running through my head at the moment that it is impossible to sort them all out. I DO NOT expect these things to happen over night but still I crave it so. When I am in a room with someone I want to think that I am safe.

**Disclaimer**
I am an emotional bottler. I don't deal with my emotions a daily basis, I simply refuse to do so. I know this isn't healthy and I am really working on it. This a huge growing and painful process for me. Please bare with me for a while.

The Dilemma

There are moments when everything seems very clear cut and there is nothing to worry about when it comes down to it. There are moments when all there seem to be are more questions. I am at one of those moments.

I have started seeking a new relationship and the commitment that it entails. I have met a good guy who seems over all genuine but still I don't really know if I want a relationship now for several reasons.

1. I am not over my last one and still dream of us being able to work through my mistakes.
2. I am moving away from here
3. He already has 3 wonderful boys
---Just so you know it doesn't bother me that he has children or even that he has been married before, what bothers me is the amount of commitment it will take to introduce me to their lives. I don't want to interrupt the life that they have or worse have something happen between me and him and leave them feeling abandoned again.
4. Pure fear
---What if this works out. I have said several times that I want a relationship and a family but this is not quite how I have been picturing it over the last few years. If it does work out what do I do with my plans for Utah, or the dreams that I have set out to achieve. Would I still care or would I always regret letting a 'guy' allow me to change them? I don't know here, it really scares me.
5. What if he finds out about the things that I have done? I don't know if he would understand where I was when they took place.

I know this sounds childish, but there are so many other things going in my mind and in my heart right now that I am still working through. I still feel completely and utterly alone in the world and I am sure that is why this all seems so strange to me. Anyway, I need to go think. There will be more to write later.

A Quote

Today while I was driving and thinking off in my own little world I saw several quotes that were worth remembering as I passed signs:

--Worry is misuse of imagination
This one really hit close to home for me because I am a worrier and that may be the largest understatement ever. I want to over analyze everything that I can and know that it really isn't going to get me anywhere unless I simply make a decision and stick with it. I don't just worry at times I am even able to make myself sick over the possibilities. Wow this was a thought that I pondered for quite sometime. I have to admit that I am not going to quite worrying over all but I am going to work on not worrying as much.

--A Mistake can be just that

--If there are no reasons to say yes then why do we...If there are all the reasons in the world to why don't we.

--Miles are a relative term.

--Even the smallest journey takes faith.

Just some thoughts I picked up for today. I will have more to write later but for now I must go.

NO Title

Today has no title so perhaps that is why I titled it just that. I have had a life changing day and in many ways this is not a good thing but it is nice to have some movement in your life no matter what direction it is in. There are several paths laid out in front of you and you have to choose which one to go down and at the moment I have chosen one that will allow me to continue to redefine my limits, my thoughts, my outlook's, and more importantly my fears. I am not ready to get back to God with everything that is going on in my heart and I still completely and utterly alone and that pain has only gotten worse over the last few days.

I have no idea what I am going to do on the path that I am currently on. I am however sure that there are going to be times in the imitate future that I disappoint those who mean the most to me and those who have looked up to me even when I didn't know that they were. This will be the hardest part by far and facing those fears that I have chosen to keep inside will hurt not only me I am afraid. There are so many others that will be directly affected.

I am still alone and I am still afraid, and for now today was just another day, but then again so is tomorrow.

Tears

Tears fell down my face today as I sat and really thought about where I find myself at the moment. There are times in life when you need to go over the 'checklist' that you have prepared for yourself even if you don't know its there. The list of things that you want, the dreams that you have, the hope for the future, the goals that you have reached, the ones you still have to strive for and pretty much anything else that pops into your mind at the time.

I cried and cried and cried and cried, did I mention I cried. I was just so stressed out and needed the cry and it was wonderful. And now I have to figure out what to do with it. More to come I'm sure.

Where to go from here

The last few days have not been pleasant for me. A couple of days ago I had a long conversation with my cousin that gave me some stuff to think about even if I wasn't listening to her at the time in question (see Staci I do listen from time to time). I even saved the conversation for reference later because I knew that she really believed what she was saying even if I wasn't willing to listen to her at the time. Here are a few quotes...

Julia says:

I just feel so alone and I don't mean in a relationship sense...Sarah is getting married and has moved away, elaina is getting married and has moved away, eric is gone because I, for the first time really reached and put everything i had on the line,

Julia says:

bryan is getting married, it is just hard to be the last one at everything and right now that is exactly what i am

Staci says:

I know it's hard to see...but maybe God's trying to get you to truly fall in love with Him first before he brings things that could take your heart also...and the only way you may see it is if He strips everything else away for a while

Staci says:

I speak those words from experience

Julia says:

staci, i don't want to see it

Julia says:

im not jumping into a relationship, let me make that clear, but i don't want to be alone any more, i know god is there but that's not what i mean, i just want someone to give a crap about me

Staci says:

there are many people who do give a crap about you...look at the people who have stuck with you through high and low times. I know you don't want to see it, and I can't make you...you have to do it on your own...

Staci says:

and I know you may not want to hear the "God junk" and I understand that...but I really believe everything we go through is for the purpose of drawing us closer to God...and the fact you are feeling so alone and like no one gives a crap...well maybe God sees something in your heart reflecting those emotions between you and him.

This was just a piece of what we said to one another. There are so many ways that my mind has been going over the last few weeks that this is just the beginning. As for where to go from here, I think it would be best to sit back an look at some of this objectively.

Conversations

I have had 2 path altering conversations in the past 2 days and they have been a good thing, I think. I have spent several hours over the last week in tears about life in general. I have never felt so alone in all my life. I am sure I will have more to say later. Everyone have a good night.