There are moments when everything seems very clear cut and there is nothing to worry about when it comes down to it. There are moments when all there seem to be are more questions. I am at one of those moments.
I have started seeking a new relationship and the commitment that it entails. I have met a good guy who seems over all genuine but still I don't really know if I want a relationship now for several reasons.
1. I am not over my last one and still dream of us being able to work through my mistakes.
2. I am moving away from here
3. He already has 3 wonderful boys
---Just so you know it doesn't bother me that he has children or even that he has been married before, what bothers me is the amount of commitment it will take to introduce me to their lives. I don't want to interrupt the life that they have or worse have something happen between me and him and leave them feeling abandoned again.
4. Pure fear
---What if this works out. I have said several times that I want a relationship and a family but this is not quite how I have been picturing it over the last few years. If it does work out what do I do with my plans for Utah, or the dreams that I have set out to achieve. Would I still care or would I always regret letting a 'guy' allow me to change them? I don't know here, it really scares me.
5. What if he finds out about the things that I have done? I don't know if he would understand where I was when they took place.
I know this sounds childish, but there are so many other things going in my mind and in my heart right now that I am still working through. I still feel completely and utterly alone in the world and I am sure that is why this all seems so strange to me. Anyway, I need to go think. There will be more to write later.
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