A New Low

Today I have hit a new low even for myself. It is hard to explain really but I know I have and those who know me well enough can see it on my face. I have a desire for something that I can't have and that isn't a place that I really want to be at all. I know that there are going to be times when we know what is going on in God's little world but right now I would really like Him to clue me in and do it fast. I am not a good waiter and I need to see if everything is going to work out or if I have simply lost my mind and that is all there is to that. I hate being like this. I am an emotional train wreck at the moment and not really because of all of this but it isn't helping at all at the moment. I can laugh and two seconds later be in tears in anger or frustration and I for some strange reason can't seem to get a hold of it.

Emotionally anguish I guess you would have to call it if nothing else. I know so much yet I feel like I am so little. I am forced to look at my core beliefs and decided what it is that I hold most dear or if I want to walk away from it all and start over. I have to be honest and admit that walking away and starting over seems like the best choice for me at the moment. I know that there are going to be moments when I will crave everything that I have now but I have turned my back on everything I have ever known over the last few weeks and there seems to be more that I need to put behind me now more than ever.

Last night I went to my old high school and stood beside the bleachers as they read my brothers name on what is his last night as a senior band member at Whitko High School and many emotions came running back to me. I once stood in that very line waiting and not wanting to get emotional about what was happening. It marked the beginning of the end of my high school career. I knew that there would be many trials ahead, of course I had already faced so many in the two years prior. So there I stood staring at the old gymnasium and looking up at the band in the place that I once sat and I wanted to cry as I quickly remembered all the good times and all the bad times that took place in that very spot, in that very building, on any day or any night and the countless hours I spent trying to prove myself to all of those people. My emotions took over and it was like I was back there were we once stood and I knew exactly what was going on and I knew exactly where I stood. The faces were different yet amazingly the same. I saw new hands holding the instruments yet could see the emotion on everyone's face. It was the last game for six of those band members I know that although they are excited about the future they are also scared to death about what lies ahead. The next few months will not be easy for them and the transitions will be huge yet they will all be okay.

So I stood there for a while seeing some old teachers who wanted to know what I had decided to do with my life, although I can give them a whole list of my accomplishments so far that didn't seem enough because my answer is really, I have done nothing with my life, I have gone to school and dated around and that is about it. I am not getting married, like so many that I went to school with, I am not in a career, like a traditional college graduate should be, I am not even sure what I am going to be doing tomorrow no less six months or a year from now. I have no idea where I am headed and more importantly I have no idea how on earth I plan to get there. But yet I stood there proud of everything I haven't done because I know that sooner or later I will settle down into what is considered normal and it will all be Okay and no one will think twice about how long it took me to get there.

To add to my flash from the past my roommate from college Bethaney gave me a call today and we talked for an hour about her life and how it is going and how she is enjoying her new found career. I am happy that she is happy but it makes me long for that even more than I already do. She isn't getting married which is nice, I don't mean that to be mean but all of my friends are getting married and it is starting to sting a bit every time I go to a wedding and another person I know is starting their 'happily ever after' and yet I sit here and wait simply to see how things just might play out. Bethaney is wonderful and I may even get to see her next weekend if everything works out like we hope it will.

I have so much more to say but for now I need to sleep. Have a good night everyone.