Alone

I have never felt so alone and it is hard to express what I am feeling right now.

I feel like no one cares what I say or what I do. No one cares where I go or if I stay here, like my whole world is spinning and I can't seem to find a way to get it to stop. There are many times that I have wondered what on earth I am doing and I have even acted on these pinned up emotions but when they come out they just don't feel like they mean anything to anyone, even me. I put so much time and effort into making sure that I don't feel emotions or that I am able to cover them up that when it is time to face them or let them out before I hurt myself or someone else I panic or in my world worse I express them.

I am a pusher, no surprise there for anyone who has met me. I push away those who I care about and as a result have lost some very close friends. I don't loose them because of who they are I loose them because of what I do when I am around them and how I act. When I feel like someone is getting to close I push and I push hard. The problem with this is that I then get upset with myself and with them when they don't stick around to see that what I said and what I did weren't personal, it was just a form of self protection.

I want someone to love me, hold me, make me feel safe, smile when I come into a room, and care about me. I want someone who knows that what I am saying does not always mean that much and that they need to look into my eyes to see my real emotions. I know that this is asking a lot but it is what I want or for that matter need. I want to be needed and cared for and be the center of the universe for someone special. I don't know how to express these things to others and that makes it very hard for me. I have so many things running through my head at the moment that it is impossible to sort them all out. I DO NOT expect these things to happen over night but still I crave it so. When I am in a room with someone I want to think that I am safe.

**Disclaimer**
I am an emotional bottler. I don't deal with my emotions a daily basis, I simply refuse to do so. I know this isn't healthy and I am really working on it. This a huge growing and painful process for me. Please bare with me for a while.