Merry Chistmas

I may get to post tomorrow but I am not sure therefore I want to take this time to with anyone who still reads this a Merry Christmas.

Christmas time comes with a lot of drama that isn't necessary. Christmas is about Christs birth and nothing more. Of course it is nice to take the time to see family and connect with friends but at the same time there is so much about the holidays that is over rated. I can tell you that I did not purchase a single gift for anyone and in some ways makes me feel better because then I don't have to worry about being fair or if I forgot someone. I got no one anything.

I didn't get gifts because right now there is a point where I must pay my bills first and worry about gifts second. I am doing great though really. It isn't bad and I am starting to slowly but surely enjoy parts of my job. I would rather be in Fort Wayne but since this doesn't appear to be happening for me right at this moment I will be fine and I will get there sooner or later. The hardest part of this job is not being able to see Rob as much as I would like but that is another issue that will slowly buy surly resolve itself.

Anyway....MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE...THE NEW YEAR IS AROUND THE CORNER

The Time Has Come

The time has come to acknowledge the fact that I didn't know nearly as much as I would like to think that I did...You know the moment when you realize that your nearly $50,000 in student loans seem to be in vain and you don't have a good job...I have a great boyfriend but a great job I don't have...

So anyway I've been working on not being to judgemental or quick to push people away and this has proven much more difficult than I thought it would be. I will write more later.

Another Holiday Past

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone and here I sit just now taking time to reflect. Why is it that we take the time that we should be sitting back thinking about everything that we have going for us and instead we have the stress of making sure that everyone is happy healthy and set for the influx of time that is spent with the family.

Let me give you a run down of the last 5 days. Thursday we had a simple diner with my mom, brother and grandparents. Friday diner with my dads parents, entertaining you betcha. You never know the topic but you can be sure of one thing grandma isn't going to like something or she is going to be so happy with your choice that its unreasonable. If I had said I left my boyfriend and i was going to be singe forever she would be so happy for me and be oh so supportive. Since the news is that I am thinking about getting married then it is awful and unreasonable for me to do such a thing. Friday night I went and hung out with some friends and talked and laughed a lot. It was nice to be out of the house for a while at least. Saturday was a soup diner with my moms entire family which was good since no one killed each other we deem it a success. I also helped some friends move on Saturday and made one long drive to Angola to see their new house and get all of their stuff out of their old house. Sunday I had my cousin with me all day and it was nice to get to see her and spend some time with her, which I don't get to do very often so we had some fun.

There is more but not right now I will be in touch...everyone keep in touch please I feel alone out here.

One weird Place to Live

Indiana is one weird place to live especially when it comes to weather patterns...this morning it was cold. Frost covered all of the windows on my sad little truck sitting all alone on the driveway. So I got the dog dressed (pink collar and a leash) and we walked out to start the truck to try to take the chill out of the air but this did me no good. I mean the air was warmer once I got in and the frost was starting to melt but it was still cold to say the least.

Today we freeze and in two days for Thanksgiving it will nearly 60 degrees. This place is funny and temperamental.

One Long Night

Last night was rough at best and there was very little sleep to go around. Around 10 pm my aunts best friend called and needed a place to stay but that was just the beginning. It is a domestic dispute that has overtaken her entire life all the way down the smallest things that she has to deal with. Her husband drinks...a lot...not like me you know 1 smernoff a month or so...and he doesn't pay the bills with his check he just pays part, yes part not all, of the house payment and leaves the rest of the bills up to her to take care. She runs her own business and does a decent job of it but struggles when it comes to money management so we as a family are slowly but surely working with her on these issues. Anyway back to why she ended up in our basement...she and her husband got in a big fight and without thinking she stormed out and into the woods with no car keys, no coat, and no cell phone, not that the phone would have mattered they have been shut off because of failure to pay the bill. So after leaving, which was the best thing for her to do she then needed a place to go and she lives next door to her in-laws who she was pretty sure wouldn't be happy to know that she had left in such anger but wait it gets better...they had heard the fight and called the cops about what was going on thinking that she had started, by asking for a little bit of help in their marriage but in reality it was her husband who was being the world biggest jerk.

So here we are at home watching the end of Law and Order because that's what I do and boom three extra people move into the basement of our house, yes that is three...The mom, the 10 year old, and my favorite the 3 year old. I should warn you that I don't do real well around little kids because they freak me out more than anything. I have gotten better since I have spent time with my friend Heather and her 1 year old but they still freak me out and if Deven starts to cry I just want to give him back so that I don't break him. The concept is the same when it comes to these two little kids...the oldest isn't too bad because she listens pretty well but the 3 year old is so overwhelming for me and to make it worse I don't how long they are staying so I am going to have to deal with it.

Okay enough of that...Life is okay I still haven't gotten moved to Fort Wayne but it is starting to good for the first of the year. I know where in town I want to live and even if I have to commute to Syracuse for a few weeks from there life will go on and I will find a job there, I am after all smart and wonderful if I may say so myself.

I have one more tangent then I will log off but its a doosy if you're not in the mood this is your warning..........

Why is that if men have a weight problem then it is okay and they can get jobs but because I have one and I am working on it I can't seem to find work and I know that part of it is that I am overweight, no one seems to care that I am loosing weight or that I have busted my butt literally and figuratively to get where I am and I will continue to do so until a point in time where I think I am being treated fairly by those around me. I just so pissed off over the whole thing. I went to college and studied my self nearly to death but no one seems to even care because I have extra poundage around my hips and tummy then I must not be qualified to the job you know after all I'm fat.

Okay I'm done for now.

THIS JUST IN

I have no life, okay so that's not news but it seemed important to me. My friends Mike and Heather just moved away and once angain I find myself stuck here in a town that I can't stand alone with no close friends and no one to really interact with other than my fearless dog, who really isnt' fearless at all and she is a big chicken...sure she will bark at strangers but only after hiding behind you to do so...

I am looking at places in Fort Wayne again. I've decided that I am just going to go for it.

Okay a Bit more Time

Drama, Drama, Drama.

Have I mentioned before that there are times that my family drives me completely nuts, which isn't hard to do because I am nearly there all by myself. I know that seems a bit old news but it is true. The topic of choice is money. The bottom line I really don't have any, which they point out like it is news to me and I am instantly going to be able to make money without any work or time spent redoing my financially status. It is strange that I know that I will be okay and I am at peace about it yet everyone else feels the need to be overly involved in the happenings or for that matter the non-happenings of my current finances. It does seem to me that I am sure there are those out there that are much worse off financially than I am but still what are we going to do.

Not being in school has been wonderful yet a bit unnerving as well. I miss the studying and the time with friends that I once had. I knew what it was like to hang out and laugh with people who were my own age, heck that were the age of my boyfriend but now I spend hours alone and go to bed early because I can't seem to get adjusted to this schedule that I wanted so badly. I do love the schedule but since he works seconds then that means there is very little time for the two of us. I haven't seen him in three weeks and it is about to kill me emotional. I want to be with him I want to be married I need these things we have been working so hard to have these things and I wish that I could make them a part of my everyday life. Now I don't live in a world were marriage will make everything better or that we will live happily ever after for ever and ever but we can communicate, most days, and we are good at expression, he is the first thing that I think about when I wake up and the last thing that I think about when I go to sleep.

I still love my truck and it is nice to have something that is mine and really mine and no one is going to take it away from me for no reason, at least not yet I wouldn't put it past my mother to give it here best shot to be real honest.

I miss everyone hopefully soon I will get to start spending time with my friends again. You can call me though...Just so you know.

An Update

There are those who still read this, I think. I try to use to to communicate the big things but it seems to fall by the way side as my life takes many uneventful turns. Rob and I are still together and the talk of getting married has become a forfront conversation and the idea is exciting yet very scary. Three kids in one big dive, wow!!! What on earth would I do with that. I know that I will be a good step-mom but I know that there is a need in their life and I could fill some of it.

My new job bores me to pieces, nothing better than simply being an entry level receptionist with a MBA for christ sake. I know that it seems to be a bit odd that I would have such hard core feelings about this after all of the complaining that I did about not haveing a job at all. I am happy to be working but I would be happier to be working in a city that I want to live and in an organization that I feel I am truely being utilized in.

I will post more tomorrow and try to keep it updated.

A New Job

So I have a job now. I guess I should be happy and about to jump out of my skin yet I am not. I am glad that I will get a pay check at the end of each week which will be nice since I haven't had one in nearly eight weeks now but at the same time I don't really want the job that I am being offered. I really want to live in Fort Wayne and that is where my love is and that is where my heart is going to be for a long time. We are looking at wedding dates yes you read that right but we can't really choose one until I am living closer to town and have a job that will allow more complete communication between the two of us. I know that it is going to be hard over the next few weeks yet I also know that there is no way to make this work long term. We have spent two years in two different cities that are not far away yet seem to be a world away when it comes to really getting to spend time with one another.

I have also thought about the idea of just calling it off and letting bygones be bygones because I don't know for sure where I am headed and I sure the heck don't know where he is headed yet after two years that doesn't seem to be fair either. I am torn in two at the moment because of these choices and have no idea what on earth to do about the idea of moving away or even finding a job. There are so many ways to go with all of this information.

So hi ho hi ho its off to work I go so here goes nothing at least for now.

Wow What A Long Six Weeks

The last six weeks have been interesting at best. Unemployment has not been good to me at all. I don't like not haveing to get up and go somewhere every morning, I don't like not haveing a place of my own, and possibly most of all I don't like the fact that there is no pay check to be had. I am looking don't get me wrong I have averaged about six interviews a week but I have not landed the job yet. I have yet another one tomorrow and hopefully something comes of it.

I have done the staffing adgency thing and I have done the stalk a job tackic and still I am empty handed. This is the point where many would expect me to say that I am sorry that I left Marsh but I am not. I know that there are jobs out there and I know that there is a way to get a job and I just haven't found that one that I am supposed to have.

Now on from the job front, last weekend was my grandmas side of the family reunion and it was a zoo at best. Those people drive me nuts and they all think that the things that I do are so awful that there is no way that I am ever going to be anything. Acutally what they are saying is that I won't be like them and they seem to think that is a bad thing. I know that I never want to be like them at all the only real thing that they have going for them is money and although money is nice there are so many more important things that must be delt with, maybe that is why not having a job isn't driving me crazy but it is starting to get to me. I just want to be able to pay my bills and make ends meet.

In other news at the reunion I got to hang out with my cousin because we ran away from all of the freaks that drive us crazy and talk and laugh a lot. It would be a safe bet that the people that she goes to school with think I am a nut job and wonder what kind of family she has but it was nice.

I still live my mom's mom because it aids in me keeping my sanity if I were to move back into my mom's house I am pretty sure that I would come 100% unglued because of the craziness that mom insists on putting herself in.

Well everyone if you still read this let me know what is up in your life and I will talk to you all soon.

A look Ahead

As I am looking for a new job I find myself board crazy. There is so much that has to be done that is just a bit overwhelming. I know that there is a a job out there and if I continue to show myself that I am worth more than six dollars an hour and I will not go back to Marsh. You read it here first folks. I am broke and getting close to being desperate but I am still not going back because I am not that desperate. I am also living with my grandma and grandpa bales right now because I won't move back in with my mom.

My truck is still great and will be until I can't make the payments and I run out of money but I will make it.

One of my best friends moved to Nebraska and I haven't gotten to talk to him in weeks. He did promise me coffee before he left yet I got none.

I am off to look for a job some more. Talk to you all soon. Remember you can always call me.

Changes over Time

There have been so many changes in my life in the last few weeks that there really isn't any one place to start. I am unemployed and I hate it but it is okay and I will survive a new job is out there I just have to find it and then manage to keep it long term. I know that it was my choice to quit my job at Marsh but it wasn't an easy choice for me to make yet still somehow I managed to do it.

I am done with school thank the Lord. I spent a week in Arizona with my cousin Lexi, my grandparents and many other family members that I don't get to spend much time with anyway. I know that it was fun because Lexi tells me everyday that she had fun. We went to the Grand Canyon for a day and she had a blast.

Well, It Has Been Over A Month

Lets see here there has really been a lot going on so I will try to hit the highlights for those of you who still read this, I'm not sure you are out here but if you that is great.

1. I quit my job at Marsh, no I don't have a new one to go to but I will. I think I will temp for a while and then hopefully one of those jobs will become a more permanent one and I will be able to pay all my bills for the next couple of months.

2. I kept my truck because I have to have something to drive and then the sucker caught on fire, yes that was fire. I am okay and now that I have my truck back it is okay too but it scared me and I was ticked off I had only had it for 35 days when it happened.

3. Rob and I are no more, after nearly 2 years together I have made the choice to stop dating him. It was rough and I do still love him but in some ways I wonder if our relationship was holding me here so that I wouldn't take the time to see what else is out there. This was more painful than even the fire in the truck.

4. THE MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL...I finished grad school today. I have a masters degree in business oh my lord I can't believe it. I never knew that it would take me two and a half years but it is done and if I choose I don't have to go to school ever again.

I am sure there is more but I will get to that sooner or later, for now have a good day.

This Week In Review

So this week was one of the most exciting on record in a while for me and not all in good ways. I will start by hitting the highlights then I will proceed onward to the lowlights which tend to be a bit more depressing, that is why after all they call them the low lights.

HIGHLIGHTS

I bought a new truck it is a 2003 Saturn Vue...

There are a lot more but I will wait

LOWLIGHTS

Lower pay...Few Hours....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I did IT

I bought a truck. I am so happy. It is a 2003 Saturn Vue and I am bouncing off the walls.

Hot Hot Hot

It is amazing to me even though I have lived here my whole life how hot it can get in a matter of hours when just a few days ago all it would do is rain, rain, rain, rain, rain, oh did I mention that it did rain here for ten days straight and it was miserable.

School is rough right now, however, I am also very excited that it will be over soon, sooner than I thought it would be in many ways, but not soon enough in so many more. I know I have done a whole lot of whining about school and all of the work that goes into it, but it has been fun and I am a better person in spite of it all. I only have six weeks left then it is off to find a job.

On the job front nothing so far but I am still optimistic that sooner or later there will be something out there for me. I am finally starting to get some stuff paid off slowly but surely and soon I will be done one more credit card and from there it will all start to pay off in pieces. I will own my computer in a week, which is one less payment I have to make and I kind of have some goals for financial freedom set up at least in theory.

My mom and I still fight over stupid stuff but it is okay I guess if she wants to believe what is going on around here is okay then I guess I have no choice but to let her do so. I know that it is just the way she wants to be.

Okay So Here I Go Babbling

We will break this down by topic but it will be babbling then if you don't have time I would suggest you read the next blog.

Work

Work has been rough to say the least. They have started firing everyone and by that I mean everyone. There have been 12 people let go and I don't think they are done yet. I don't know what is going to happen over the next few days but I don't really care anymore. Tonight at midnight there will be no more Marsh as I know it. The contract of sale will be official. I do not know what the future holds in the job market for me but it will be okay and if I keep saying it over and over again then it must be true right?

School

Graduation day July 27 2006, Graduation Party August 19 2006, completion of school one of the most joyous moments of my life. I only have 10 weeks left of school and I will be done forever or at least for now. I have been working so hard for this day and here I come up to it and now I don't know what it will be like to not have to worry about homework assignments and don't worry about readings and all the crap that goes into being in school. I know that there are so many things to do in 'real' life but still here I sit knowing that it will great and at this point a break.

Love Life

My love life has a whole lot of drama but it will be okay. I have been with a guy for nearly 18 months and now I want out so I started that process today by talking to him about how I feeling and why I am seriously questioning our relationship. It isn't that I don't trust him or anything of the sort. I think he is great I like his kids but at the same time I either need him to commit or get out. I don't care which (okay yes I do) but whatever the choice I will understand and will stand by it. I am sure that it will hurt and I am will cry a lot if he decided that I am not what the future for him holds.

Friends

I hope you are all good out there I am horrible friend I am not keeping in touch with any of you. I will write soon.

Everyone have a good evening I will write later.

On My Way To The End

There are many different stages that life that you are forced to walk through whether or not you want to. I am well on my way into that stage most would call adulthood but I will be 100 % honest I don't like it here even though I need to be here for a while, you know until I am old enough to retire and I can live in the golden years that everyone swears are out there somewhere.

School is drawing closer and closer to a close and I am scared, excited, scared, terrified, nervous, scared, and ummm oh yeah scared. I will now admit that I have used remaining in school as a shield and I have enjoyed hiding behind the excuse that I can't find work because I am still in school or because I am not mature enough but at least one of these justifications is very very close to coming to a close. I know that this is one of those defining moments for me and I am excited but still now what is keeps ringing in my head.

Now what I have done what I set out to do, education wise.

Now what I am lacking that illusive relationship that everyone demands I have.

Now what I am smart yet unemployable.

Now what there are so many things it appears that I will never do.

And then to top off all of the scary things that I am facing I am still living with my mom which I should get some kind of award for and my brother moves home in 3 weeks and I know that will get ugly fast. So I am on my way to the end of yet another section of my life and I am ready, maybe.

HMMMm

I have nothing really to put on here and after over a month of non writing it is a shame that this is the case.

I am now full time at Marsh which the only real benefits is the health insurance.

School is starting to draw to a close and this is really hard for me but I am ready for whatever is coming my way next.

Okay Now What

So I have ended my relationships left and right. I have pushed the ones who drug me down out of my life and I have found myself alone. Not exactly what I was looking to do but I guess it is what happens when you put your neck out there and wait for it to get cut off.

I am looking for a new job, since my replacement started today and I am going to be pushed out and back to nights, interesting because I am going to be in school at nights so that I can graduate on time. It is not a wise choice to be looking for a job only 18 weeks before graduation but I also don't see another way to get it all done. I thought I was okay with the changes at the store but in the big picture I guess I really wasn't I was just sure that I was.

School is kicking my butt with an minimum 90 page paper due in 18 weeks that I will be honest hasn't even been started yet. I am sure that it will be done it time but no matter how hard I try to convince myself to start it it doesn't seem to happen.

I just got good news I have an interview at Flagstar Bank on Tuesday...There I hope.

It's Been A Month

So I haven't written for over a month and I don't really don't have a whole lot to say. I finished my last class yesterday and now I only have three more to go till graduation day, which scares the crap out of me and I don't really know what to do about it.

I have received my graduation stuff, cap and gown, invitations. , I'm still waiting on my ring but I know it has been ordered and I have seen it. I will have more to write soon. Some stuff is happening. So here goes nothing.

A Long Road

The last couple of weeks has not been easy for me or for my emotions. I know that there are those who are not aware of how I am feeling. I have had several ups and downs battling depression and the manic state that goes with it.

My relationship has hit some rough spots to say the least. We are talking about ending it or if we have been together long enough to fight for what we have built. I know that the next few months are going to be rough and there will be speedbumps along the way but for some reason the last two weeks have been horrible for me. I even went as far as to plan a trip to get away from all the crap and get on a plane and leave town, however I never left to board the plane in the first place.

Family life has been rough for me as well. My mother is about to drive me crazy and my brother is not the brightest bulb in the box. I just want my stuff back from him and he doesn't seem to get it and by stuff I do mean my car which I haven't gotten to drive in over a year since his wreck. When he took the car it was to only be for a couple of weeks and here I sit over a year later and I still don't have my car and there appears to be no sign of me getting it back in the near future although I did tell my mom that she needs to buy it from me so I can go get something new for myself or she needs to find a way to get Kyle his own car.

I have looked at several houses in Fort Wayne in an attempt to find my own place and be a bit happier. I know that I do better when I am not around my mom all of the time. She just has this way of pushing all my buttons even when I try to fight it off with all I have in me. She knows that I have no willingness to deal with but still insists on being a Bitch much of the time and then she seems proud and boasts about how she is one and that drives me crazy.

I am sure I will be fine but right now it feels like I am fighting for everything that I have and I am getting to keep nothing.

Here I sit in Tennessee and one may ask why I am here. Well there are several reasons, I came down here to see Chana and her baby Jaden and may I say that Jade has grown so much I can't hardly believe it. I also came down to hang out and get away from everything for a while because of all of the changes going on at work I just needed the time away.

In the event you live under a rock or are well kept out of the Warsaw rumor mill I have left my church and have no idea what I am going to do with my life or where I really stand on my faith and the issues that go with it. I don't like not having a church but it is what had to happen for right now. I will see what I can do about it when I get back home.

School has been going well Graduation day is going to be July 29 in phoenix, AZ and I have to say that I am so excited and I am making no attempt at hiding it from anyone. I know that it seems so juvenile for me to be bouncing off the walls again over this but I have been in school for 20 years today and I have no intentions of going back to school for a while. I know it is dumb but I think I am ready to tackle the world on my own.

Seven Days In

Seven days into the new year and there really hasn't been much for me to speak of. I am seeing Rob still and it seems to be working out well I just get frustrated over the whole situation which I am sure I will over more throughout this next year.

School is going well, I got my invitation to graduation yesterday which was rough. I will have a Masters degree in just a few months. I don't know what the future holds from there but it hard to think that two and a half years ago I didn't have a clue and now I want nothing more than a career and a future with the man I have fallen in love with. That is right a masters degree and the possilbility of a future with someone who is great.

On a slight side note, my second cousin, Sharron Wright, passed away from her battle with cancer may God be with Joe and the kids while the take the time to work through everything that goes with this trial.