A New Job

So I have a job now. I guess I should be happy and about to jump out of my skin yet I am not. I am glad that I will get a pay check at the end of each week which will be nice since I haven't had one in nearly eight weeks now but at the same time I don't really want the job that I am being offered. I really want to live in Fort Wayne and that is where my love is and that is where my heart is going to be for a long time. We are looking at wedding dates yes you read that right but we can't really choose one until I am living closer to town and have a job that will allow more complete communication between the two of us. I know that it is going to be hard over the next few weeks yet I also know that there is no way to make this work long term. We have spent two years in two different cities that are not far away yet seem to be a world away when it comes to really getting to spend time with one another.

I have also thought about the idea of just calling it off and letting bygones be bygones because I don't know for sure where I am headed and I sure the heck don't know where he is headed yet after two years that doesn't seem to be fair either. I am torn in two at the moment because of these choices and have no idea what on earth to do about the idea of moving away or even finding a job. There are so many ways to go with all of this information.

So hi ho hi ho its off to work I go so here goes nothing at least for now.

Wow What A Long Six Weeks

The last six weeks have been interesting at best. Unemployment has not been good to me at all. I don't like not haveing to get up and go somewhere every morning, I don't like not haveing a place of my own, and possibly most of all I don't like the fact that there is no pay check to be had. I am looking don't get me wrong I have averaged about six interviews a week but I have not landed the job yet. I have yet another one tomorrow and hopefully something comes of it.

I have done the staffing adgency thing and I have done the stalk a job tackic and still I am empty handed. This is the point where many would expect me to say that I am sorry that I left Marsh but I am not. I know that there are jobs out there and I know that there is a way to get a job and I just haven't found that one that I am supposed to have.

Now on from the job front, last weekend was my grandmas side of the family reunion and it was a zoo at best. Those people drive me nuts and they all think that the things that I do are so awful that there is no way that I am ever going to be anything. Acutally what they are saying is that I won't be like them and they seem to think that is a bad thing. I know that I never want to be like them at all the only real thing that they have going for them is money and although money is nice there are so many more important things that must be delt with, maybe that is why not having a job isn't driving me crazy but it is starting to get to me. I just want to be able to pay my bills and make ends meet.

In other news at the reunion I got to hang out with my cousin because we ran away from all of the freaks that drive us crazy and talk and laugh a lot. It would be a safe bet that the people that she goes to school with think I am a nut job and wonder what kind of family she has but it was nice.

I still live my mom's mom because it aids in me keeping my sanity if I were to move back into my mom's house I am pretty sure that I would come 100% unglued because of the craziness that mom insists on putting herself in.

Well everyone if you still read this let me know what is up in your life and I will talk to you all soon.

A look Ahead

As I am looking for a new job I find myself board crazy. There is so much that has to be done that is just a bit overwhelming. I know that there is a a job out there and if I continue to show myself that I am worth more than six dollars an hour and I will not go back to Marsh. You read it here first folks. I am broke and getting close to being desperate but I am still not going back because I am not that desperate. I am also living with my grandma and grandpa bales right now because I won't move back in with my mom.

My truck is still great and will be until I can't make the payments and I run out of money but I will make it.

One of my best friends moved to Nebraska and I haven't gotten to talk to him in weeks. He did promise me coffee before he left yet I got none.

I am off to look for a job some more. Talk to you all soon. Remember you can always call me.

Changes over Time

There have been so many changes in my life in the last few weeks that there really isn't any one place to start. I am unemployed and I hate it but it is okay and I will survive a new job is out there I just have to find it and then manage to keep it long term. I know that it was my choice to quit my job at Marsh but it wasn't an easy choice for me to make yet still somehow I managed to do it.

I am done with school thank the Lord. I spent a week in Arizona with my cousin Lexi, my grandparents and many other family members that I don't get to spend much time with anyway. I know that it was fun because Lexi tells me everyday that she had fun. We went to the Grand Canyon for a day and she had a blast.

Well, It Has Been Over A Month

Lets see here there has really been a lot going on so I will try to hit the highlights for those of you who still read this, I'm not sure you are out here but if you that is great.

1. I quit my job at Marsh, no I don't have a new one to go to but I will. I think I will temp for a while and then hopefully one of those jobs will become a more permanent one and I will be able to pay all my bills for the next couple of months.

2. I kept my truck because I have to have something to drive and then the sucker caught on fire, yes that was fire. I am okay and now that I have my truck back it is okay too but it scared me and I was ticked off I had only had it for 35 days when it happened.

3. Rob and I are no more, after nearly 2 years together I have made the choice to stop dating him. It was rough and I do still love him but in some ways I wonder if our relationship was holding me here so that I wouldn't take the time to see what else is out there. This was more painful than even the fire in the truck.

4. THE MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL...I finished grad school today. I have a masters degree in business oh my lord I can't believe it. I never knew that it would take me two and a half years but it is done and if I choose I don't have to go to school ever again.

I am sure there is more but I will get to that sooner or later, for now have a good day.

This Week In Review

So this week was one of the most exciting on record in a while for me and not all in good ways. I will start by hitting the highlights then I will proceed onward to the lowlights which tend to be a bit more depressing, that is why after all they call them the low lights.

HIGHLIGHTS

I bought a new truck it is a 2003 Saturn Vue...

There are a lot more but I will wait

LOWLIGHTS

Lower pay...Few Hours....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I did IT

I bought a truck. I am so happy. It is a 2003 Saturn Vue and I am bouncing off the walls.

Hot Hot Hot

It is amazing to me even though I have lived here my whole life how hot it can get in a matter of hours when just a few days ago all it would do is rain, rain, rain, rain, rain, oh did I mention that it did rain here for ten days straight and it was miserable.

School is rough right now, however, I am also very excited that it will be over soon, sooner than I thought it would be in many ways, but not soon enough in so many more. I know I have done a whole lot of whining about school and all of the work that goes into it, but it has been fun and I am a better person in spite of it all. I only have six weeks left then it is off to find a job.

On the job front nothing so far but I am still optimistic that sooner or later there will be something out there for me. I am finally starting to get some stuff paid off slowly but surely and soon I will be done one more credit card and from there it will all start to pay off in pieces. I will own my computer in a week, which is one less payment I have to make and I kind of have some goals for financial freedom set up at least in theory.

My mom and I still fight over stupid stuff but it is okay I guess if she wants to believe what is going on around here is okay then I guess I have no choice but to let her do so. I know that it is just the way she wants to be.

Okay So Here I Go Babbling

We will break this down by topic but it will be babbling then if you don't have time I would suggest you read the next blog.

Work

Work has been rough to say the least. They have started firing everyone and by that I mean everyone. There have been 12 people let go and I don't think they are done yet. I don't know what is going to happen over the next few days but I don't really care anymore. Tonight at midnight there will be no more Marsh as I know it. The contract of sale will be official. I do not know what the future holds in the job market for me but it will be okay and if I keep saying it over and over again then it must be true right?

School

Graduation day July 27 2006, Graduation Party August 19 2006, completion of school one of the most joyous moments of my life. I only have 10 weeks left of school and I will be done forever or at least for now. I have been working so hard for this day and here I come up to it and now I don't know what it will be like to not have to worry about homework assignments and don't worry about readings and all the crap that goes into being in school. I know that there are so many things to do in 'real' life but still here I sit knowing that it will great and at this point a break.

Love Life

My love life has a whole lot of drama but it will be okay. I have been with a guy for nearly 18 months and now I want out so I started that process today by talking to him about how I feeling and why I am seriously questioning our relationship. It isn't that I don't trust him or anything of the sort. I think he is great I like his kids but at the same time I either need him to commit or get out. I don't care which (okay yes I do) but whatever the choice I will understand and will stand by it. I am sure that it will hurt and I am will cry a lot if he decided that I am not what the future for him holds.

Friends

I hope you are all good out there I am horrible friend I am not keeping in touch with any of you. I will write soon.

Everyone have a good evening I will write later.

On My Way To The End

There are many different stages that life that you are forced to walk through whether or not you want to. I am well on my way into that stage most would call adulthood but I will be 100 % honest I don't like it here even though I need to be here for a while, you know until I am old enough to retire and I can live in the golden years that everyone swears are out there somewhere.

School is drawing closer and closer to a close and I am scared, excited, scared, terrified, nervous, scared, and ummm oh yeah scared. I will now admit that I have used remaining in school as a shield and I have enjoyed hiding behind the excuse that I can't find work because I am still in school or because I am not mature enough but at least one of these justifications is very very close to coming to a close. I know that this is one of those defining moments for me and I am excited but still now what is keeps ringing in my head.

Now what I have done what I set out to do, education wise.

Now what I am lacking that illusive relationship that everyone demands I have.

Now what I am smart yet unemployable.

Now what there are so many things it appears that I will never do.

And then to top off all of the scary things that I am facing I am still living with my mom which I should get some kind of award for and my brother moves home in 3 weeks and I know that will get ugly fast. So I am on my way to the end of yet another section of my life and I am ready, maybe.

HMMMm

I have nothing really to put on here and after over a month of non writing it is a shame that this is the case.

I am now full time at Marsh which the only real benefits is the health insurance.

School is starting to draw to a close and this is really hard for me but I am ready for whatever is coming my way next.

Okay Now What

So I have ended my relationships left and right. I have pushed the ones who drug me down out of my life and I have found myself alone. Not exactly what I was looking to do but I guess it is what happens when you put your neck out there and wait for it to get cut off.

I am looking for a new job, since my replacement started today and I am going to be pushed out and back to nights, interesting because I am going to be in school at nights so that I can graduate on time. It is not a wise choice to be looking for a job only 18 weeks before graduation but I also don't see another way to get it all done. I thought I was okay with the changes at the store but in the big picture I guess I really wasn't I was just sure that I was.

School is kicking my butt with an minimum 90 page paper due in 18 weeks that I will be honest hasn't even been started yet. I am sure that it will be done it time but no matter how hard I try to convince myself to start it it doesn't seem to happen.

I just got good news I have an interview at Flagstar Bank on Tuesday...There I hope.

It's Been A Month

So I haven't written for over a month and I don't really don't have a whole lot to say. I finished my last class yesterday and now I only have three more to go till graduation day, which scares the crap out of me and I don't really know what to do about it.

I have received my graduation stuff, cap and gown, invitations. , I'm still waiting on my ring but I know it has been ordered and I have seen it. I will have more to write soon. Some stuff is happening. So here goes nothing.

A Long Road

The last couple of weeks has not been easy for me or for my emotions. I know that there are those who are not aware of how I am feeling. I have had several ups and downs battling depression and the manic state that goes with it.

My relationship has hit some rough spots to say the least. We are talking about ending it or if we have been together long enough to fight for what we have built. I know that the next few months are going to be rough and there will be speedbumps along the way but for some reason the last two weeks have been horrible for me. I even went as far as to plan a trip to get away from all the crap and get on a plane and leave town, however I never left to board the plane in the first place.

Family life has been rough for me as well. My mother is about to drive me crazy and my brother is not the brightest bulb in the box. I just want my stuff back from him and he doesn't seem to get it and by stuff I do mean my car which I haven't gotten to drive in over a year since his wreck. When he took the car it was to only be for a couple of weeks and here I sit over a year later and I still don't have my car and there appears to be no sign of me getting it back in the near future although I did tell my mom that she needs to buy it from me so I can go get something new for myself or she needs to find a way to get Kyle his own car.

I have looked at several houses in Fort Wayne in an attempt to find my own place and be a bit happier. I know that I do better when I am not around my mom all of the time. She just has this way of pushing all my buttons even when I try to fight it off with all I have in me. She knows that I have no willingness to deal with but still insists on being a Bitch much of the time and then she seems proud and boasts about how she is one and that drives me crazy.

I am sure I will be fine but right now it feels like I am fighting for everything that I have and I am getting to keep nothing.

Here I sit in Tennessee and one may ask why I am here. Well there are several reasons, I came down here to see Chana and her baby Jaden and may I say that Jade has grown so much I can't hardly believe it. I also came down to hang out and get away from everything for a while because of all of the changes going on at work I just needed the time away.

In the event you live under a rock or are well kept out of the Warsaw rumor mill I have left my church and have no idea what I am going to do with my life or where I really stand on my faith and the issues that go with it. I don't like not having a church but it is what had to happen for right now. I will see what I can do about it when I get back home.

School has been going well Graduation day is going to be July 29 in phoenix, AZ and I have to say that I am so excited and I am making no attempt at hiding it from anyone. I know that it seems so juvenile for me to be bouncing off the walls again over this but I have been in school for 20 years today and I have no intentions of going back to school for a while. I know it is dumb but I think I am ready to tackle the world on my own.

Seven Days In

Seven days into the new year and there really hasn't been much for me to speak of. I am seeing Rob still and it seems to be working out well I just get frustrated over the whole situation which I am sure I will over more throughout this next year.

School is going well, I got my invitation to graduation yesterday which was rough. I will have a Masters degree in just a few months. I don't know what the future holds from there but it hard to think that two and a half years ago I didn't have a clue and now I want nothing more than a career and a future with the man I have fallen in love with. That is right a masters degree and the possilbility of a future with someone who is great.

On a slight side note, my second cousin, Sharron Wright, passed away from her battle with cancer may God be with Joe and the kids while the take the time to work through everything that goes with this trial.

Christmas has Passed

Christmas has come and gone and now I sit with just a few minutes to reflect on the over all holiday. Chirstmas for my family has become a way to buy love. It is not about Jesus although they will all say that it is.

Okay so here I am again. Christmas time is quickly approaching and the stress that comes with it approaches as well. I rush around for no reason for other customers. I know that our company is in trouble and then I get yelled out by customers who feel like it is my fault personally and then I have to say I'm sorry and walk away with a smile. Sorry just a short rant.

Okay so its been a while

So it has been a month tomorrow since I last was able to sit down and type so let me cover some of the big events of the last month.

1. Thanksgiving spaghetti, yes you read that right, with my grandma and grandpa Wright, just so they could say that we got together for Thanksgiving even though they didn't want to have a big meal with all the work. Where as with any other family function it was time to discuss things that were completely inappropriate at the dinner table, but hey some things never change.

2. Thanksgiving with the Bales family, as always a whole lot of fun. It is amazing how much better I seem to get along with that side of the family.

3. My roommate and best friend Bethaney got a job in Indy and if I were to guess has moved there this very night. I am so excited for her and this opportunity that she has, but at the same time I miss her so much and wish she could be even closer than she is. It is amazing how much I didn't realize I loved her till she wasn't around every day. It was nearly 2 years ago I moved off campus and came home, some times it amazes me how long that time has really been in so many ways it seems just like yesterday.

4. My company has gone up for sale and there are offers on the table. I may loose my job of 7 years or I could be working for someone completely different, no one really knows what is about to happen and that I think is the worst part for me. The whole not knowing thing. I was thinking I would be able to wait around till I got my Masters Degree in August to get out of the company but it has become more and more apparent that I should really start looking a bit sooner, Like now.

5. I still love him. I saw him and I still love him, but I don't think that I am any longer in Love with him and this will enable me to move on with Rob now and see what the future really holds.

Over all an eventful month but I am sure that as time goes on, especially with the whole job thing, there will be more news, I will try to update more, have a great night everyone.

The Perfect November Day

This morning I got up late because I didn't have to work and I went for a walk. It was perfect outside to say the least. It was 65 degrees and the wind was fairly calm. The sun wasn't shining but I could get over that I suppose. It was nice to be outside in November when there aren't snow flakes flying and sharp winter weather fronts moving through. This November hasn't been one for the record books but it has been different for those of us who grew up here in northern Indiana. November usually means cold chills and winter coats, boots and scarves, not sweatshirts and a comfy pair of pants to go for walk. I didn't worry about freezing to death before I got back and I knew that the walk would be a pleasant one.

The leaves are absolutely stunning, which also doesn't tend to happen into November. The leaves are as bright and as beautiful as ever and the colors more vivid than they have been in years past. I know that winter is coming it is one of the necessary evils that we have to deal with here but I also welcome it and all it stands for.

The purpose of my walk to take time and to think about different things that are going on in my life. I am struggling to find my place and that is more difficult than most things for me and I never thought that would be the case. I'm still in school, I still work at a grocery store, and I still haven't found 'him' yet. I am not saying that I need a man to complete me but I want and crave that compainship that goes with having someone in my life. Work is well work and you won't find a good job until someone is looking to hire someone just like you. This is a leason I have had to force feed myself. Only ten (10) more months of school then I am done for a while. I have worked my butt off to prove myself to my family and there are still those who feel I am not enough or that I don't try enough.

So as I tuck myself in tonight it is 54 outside and slightly drizzly but it is still perfect and heck it could be snow. I will write again soon. I'm sure you have heard that before.