Hot Hot Hot

It is amazing to me even though I have lived here my whole life how hot it can get in a matter of hours when just a few days ago all it would do is rain, rain, rain, rain, rain, oh did I mention that it did rain here for ten days straight and it was miserable.

School is rough right now, however, I am also very excited that it will be over soon, sooner than I thought it would be in many ways, but not soon enough in so many more. I know I have done a whole lot of whining about school and all of the work that goes into it, but it has been fun and I am a better person in spite of it all. I only have six weeks left then it is off to find a job.

On the job front nothing so far but I am still optimistic that sooner or later there will be something out there for me. I am finally starting to get some stuff paid off slowly but surely and soon I will be done one more credit card and from there it will all start to pay off in pieces. I will own my computer in a week, which is one less payment I have to make and I kind of have some goals for financial freedom set up at least in theory.

My mom and I still fight over stupid stuff but it is okay I guess if she wants to believe what is going on around here is okay then I guess I have no choice but to let her do so. I know that it is just the way she wants to be.

Okay So Here I Go Babbling

We will break this down by topic but it will be babbling then if you don't have time I would suggest you read the next blog.

Work

Work has been rough to say the least. They have started firing everyone and by that I mean everyone. There have been 12 people let go and I don't think they are done yet. I don't know what is going to happen over the next few days but I don't really care anymore. Tonight at midnight there will be no more Marsh as I know it. The contract of sale will be official. I do not know what the future holds in the job market for me but it will be okay and if I keep saying it over and over again then it must be true right?

School

Graduation day July 27 2006, Graduation Party August 19 2006, completion of school one of the most joyous moments of my life. I only have 10 weeks left of school and I will be done forever or at least for now. I have been working so hard for this day and here I come up to it and now I don't know what it will be like to not have to worry about homework assignments and don't worry about readings and all the crap that goes into being in school. I know that there are so many things to do in 'real' life but still here I sit knowing that it will great and at this point a break.

Love Life

My love life has a whole lot of drama but it will be okay. I have been with a guy for nearly 18 months and now I want out so I started that process today by talking to him about how I feeling and why I am seriously questioning our relationship. It isn't that I don't trust him or anything of the sort. I think he is great I like his kids but at the same time I either need him to commit or get out. I don't care which (okay yes I do) but whatever the choice I will understand and will stand by it. I am sure that it will hurt and I am will cry a lot if he decided that I am not what the future for him holds.

Friends

I hope you are all good out there I am horrible friend I am not keeping in touch with any of you. I will write soon.

Everyone have a good evening I will write later.

On My Way To The End

There are many different stages that life that you are forced to walk through whether or not you want to. I am well on my way into that stage most would call adulthood but I will be 100 % honest I don't like it here even though I need to be here for a while, you know until I am old enough to retire and I can live in the golden years that everyone swears are out there somewhere.

School is drawing closer and closer to a close and I am scared, excited, scared, terrified, nervous, scared, and ummm oh yeah scared. I will now admit that I have used remaining in school as a shield and I have enjoyed hiding behind the excuse that I can't find work because I am still in school or because I am not mature enough but at least one of these justifications is very very close to coming to a close. I know that this is one of those defining moments for me and I am excited but still now what is keeps ringing in my head.

Now what I have done what I set out to do, education wise.

Now what I am lacking that illusive relationship that everyone demands I have.

Now what I am smart yet unemployable.

Now what there are so many things it appears that I will never do.

And then to top off all of the scary things that I am facing I am still living with my mom which I should get some kind of award for and my brother moves home in 3 weeks and I know that will get ugly fast. So I am on my way to the end of yet another section of my life and I am ready, maybe.

HMMMm

I have nothing really to put on here and after over a month of non writing it is a shame that this is the case.

I am now full time at Marsh which the only real benefits is the health insurance.

School is starting to draw to a close and this is really hard for me but I am ready for whatever is coming my way next.

Okay Now What

So I have ended my relationships left and right. I have pushed the ones who drug me down out of my life and I have found myself alone. Not exactly what I was looking to do but I guess it is what happens when you put your neck out there and wait for it to get cut off.

I am looking for a new job, since my replacement started today and I am going to be pushed out and back to nights, interesting because I am going to be in school at nights so that I can graduate on time. It is not a wise choice to be looking for a job only 18 weeks before graduation but I also don't see another way to get it all done. I thought I was okay with the changes at the store but in the big picture I guess I really wasn't I was just sure that I was.

School is kicking my butt with an minimum 90 page paper due in 18 weeks that I will be honest hasn't even been started yet. I am sure that it will be done it time but no matter how hard I try to convince myself to start it it doesn't seem to happen.

I just got good news I have an interview at Flagstar Bank on Tuesday...There I hope.

It's Been A Month

So I haven't written for over a month and I don't really don't have a whole lot to say. I finished my last class yesterday and now I only have three more to go till graduation day, which scares the crap out of me and I don't really know what to do about it.

I have received my graduation stuff, cap and gown, invitations. , I'm still waiting on my ring but I know it has been ordered and I have seen it. I will have more to write soon. Some stuff is happening. So here goes nothing.

A Long Road

The last couple of weeks has not been easy for me or for my emotions. I know that there are those who are not aware of how I am feeling. I have had several ups and downs battling depression and the manic state that goes with it.

My relationship has hit some rough spots to say the least. We are talking about ending it or if we have been together long enough to fight for what we have built. I know that the next few months are going to be rough and there will be speedbumps along the way but for some reason the last two weeks have been horrible for me. I even went as far as to plan a trip to get away from all the crap and get on a plane and leave town, however I never left to board the plane in the first place.

Family life has been rough for me as well. My mother is about to drive me crazy and my brother is not the brightest bulb in the box. I just want my stuff back from him and he doesn't seem to get it and by stuff I do mean my car which I haven't gotten to drive in over a year since his wreck. When he took the car it was to only be for a couple of weeks and here I sit over a year later and I still don't have my car and there appears to be no sign of me getting it back in the near future although I did tell my mom that she needs to buy it from me so I can go get something new for myself or she needs to find a way to get Kyle his own car.

I have looked at several houses in Fort Wayne in an attempt to find my own place and be a bit happier. I know that I do better when I am not around my mom all of the time. She just has this way of pushing all my buttons even when I try to fight it off with all I have in me. She knows that I have no willingness to deal with but still insists on being a Bitch much of the time and then she seems proud and boasts about how she is one and that drives me crazy.

I am sure I will be fine but right now it feels like I am fighting for everything that I have and I am getting to keep nothing.

Here I sit in Tennessee and one may ask why I am here. Well there are several reasons, I came down here to see Chana and her baby Jaden and may I say that Jade has grown so much I can't hardly believe it. I also came down to hang out and get away from everything for a while because of all of the changes going on at work I just needed the time away.

In the event you live under a rock or are well kept out of the Warsaw rumor mill I have left my church and have no idea what I am going to do with my life or where I really stand on my faith and the issues that go with it. I don't like not having a church but it is what had to happen for right now. I will see what I can do about it when I get back home.

School has been going well Graduation day is going to be July 29 in phoenix, AZ and I have to say that I am so excited and I am making no attempt at hiding it from anyone. I know that it seems so juvenile for me to be bouncing off the walls again over this but I have been in school for 20 years today and I have no intentions of going back to school for a while. I know it is dumb but I think I am ready to tackle the world on my own.

Seven Days In

Seven days into the new year and there really hasn't been much for me to speak of. I am seeing Rob still and it seems to be working out well I just get frustrated over the whole situation which I am sure I will over more throughout this next year.

School is going well, I got my invitation to graduation yesterday which was rough. I will have a Masters degree in just a few months. I don't know what the future holds from there but it hard to think that two and a half years ago I didn't have a clue and now I want nothing more than a career and a future with the man I have fallen in love with. That is right a masters degree and the possilbility of a future with someone who is great.

On a slight side note, my second cousin, Sharron Wright, passed away from her battle with cancer may God be with Joe and the kids while the take the time to work through everything that goes with this trial.

Christmas has Passed

Christmas has come and gone and now I sit with just a few minutes to reflect on the over all holiday. Chirstmas for my family has become a way to buy love. It is not about Jesus although they will all say that it is.

Okay so here I am again. Christmas time is quickly approaching and the stress that comes with it approaches as well. I rush around for no reason for other customers. I know that our company is in trouble and then I get yelled out by customers who feel like it is my fault personally and then I have to say I'm sorry and walk away with a smile. Sorry just a short rant.

Okay so its been a while

So it has been a month tomorrow since I last was able to sit down and type so let me cover some of the big events of the last month.

1. Thanksgiving spaghetti, yes you read that right, with my grandma and grandpa Wright, just so they could say that we got together for Thanksgiving even though they didn't want to have a big meal with all the work. Where as with any other family function it was time to discuss things that were completely inappropriate at the dinner table, but hey some things never change.

2. Thanksgiving with the Bales family, as always a whole lot of fun. It is amazing how much better I seem to get along with that side of the family.

3. My roommate and best friend Bethaney got a job in Indy and if I were to guess has moved there this very night. I am so excited for her and this opportunity that she has, but at the same time I miss her so much and wish she could be even closer than she is. It is amazing how much I didn't realize I loved her till she wasn't around every day. It was nearly 2 years ago I moved off campus and came home, some times it amazes me how long that time has really been in so many ways it seems just like yesterday.

4. My company has gone up for sale and there are offers on the table. I may loose my job of 7 years or I could be working for someone completely different, no one really knows what is about to happen and that I think is the worst part for me. The whole not knowing thing. I was thinking I would be able to wait around till I got my Masters Degree in August to get out of the company but it has become more and more apparent that I should really start looking a bit sooner, Like now.

5. I still love him. I saw him and I still love him, but I don't think that I am any longer in Love with him and this will enable me to move on with Rob now and see what the future really holds.

Over all an eventful month but I am sure that as time goes on, especially with the whole job thing, there will be more news, I will try to update more, have a great night everyone.

The Perfect November Day

This morning I got up late because I didn't have to work and I went for a walk. It was perfect outside to say the least. It was 65 degrees and the wind was fairly calm. The sun wasn't shining but I could get over that I suppose. It was nice to be outside in November when there aren't snow flakes flying and sharp winter weather fronts moving through. This November hasn't been one for the record books but it has been different for those of us who grew up here in northern Indiana. November usually means cold chills and winter coats, boots and scarves, not sweatshirts and a comfy pair of pants to go for walk. I didn't worry about freezing to death before I got back and I knew that the walk would be a pleasant one.

The leaves are absolutely stunning, which also doesn't tend to happen into November. The leaves are as bright and as beautiful as ever and the colors more vivid than they have been in years past. I know that winter is coming it is one of the necessary evils that we have to deal with here but I also welcome it and all it stands for.

The purpose of my walk to take time and to think about different things that are going on in my life. I am struggling to find my place and that is more difficult than most things for me and I never thought that would be the case. I'm still in school, I still work at a grocery store, and I still haven't found 'him' yet. I am not saying that I need a man to complete me but I want and crave that compainship that goes with having someone in my life. Work is well work and you won't find a good job until someone is looking to hire someone just like you. This is a leason I have had to force feed myself. Only ten (10) more months of school then I am done for a while. I have worked my butt off to prove myself to my family and there are still those who feel I am not enough or that I don't try enough.

So as I tuck myself in tonight it is 54 outside and slightly drizzly but it is still perfect and heck it could be snow. I will write again soon. I'm sure you have heard that before.

UMM...SO...Yeah

So I realize today is my cousins birthday, and I understand that my birthday was six weeks ago yet today it really hit me, we are all getting older and there really isn't a whole lot we can do about it. It is strange to think that there are now 2 of us in our 20s within this whole messed up family. It is a miracle that we lived this long if I may say myself.

I love my cousin and I may not get to tell her this but Happy Birthday and I love you.

Life has been good but who knew that they put 4 am every morning. I will admit that I am looking forward to getting to sleep in again till all of 6 am but it will be wonderful. I am sure I will have more to day later have a great day and happy bday cuz.

All I Can Say

All I can say right now is sigh.

Work has been killing me but that is okay because I need the money and I know that sooner or later I will be able to move out and move on and it will be wonderful.

Kyle still has my car, I am still unhappy about it, yet aside from my Grandma Bales no one seems to care that this is such an issue. I feel like I have been made a second class citizen in my own home, or at least the place that I am supposed to call home for now.

dating has been good. I have started seeing a nice guy and see some sparks but we are early on and as I have had to learn the hard way sometimes things change and that stinks.

School is going well only 10 months to graduation for me. After this I am done, at least for a while because I need the break more than I even think I realized until recently.

At work today I was reminded that the holiday's are right around the corner, which means many things to many people but for me it isn't all joyous. My crazy family will get together, we will get on each others nerves, my cousin and I will vent to each other about how crazy they really are. Some things never change I suppose.

Well for now that is all.

A good night

So here I am sitting in my bed with nothing but a big old grin on my face. tonight was a night of learning how to deal with what I don't have and also seeing that it is out there for me.

I went to Courthouse Coffee with Eric and his girlfriend Mel. She was very nice, but I have to admit that she seems to remind me a whole lot of myself on many levels. We talked about everything, school, work, religion, church politics, and just about anything else that we could come up with.

I drank coffee and wasted a Friday night just like the way things used to be and it felt wonderful. I know that there are times that I feel like I don't have anything to lay claim to but in reality I do. I have great friends like Eric who aren't going anywhere no matter what I do or how stupid it may seem. I am in a relationship that has some serious potential but I am also willing to admit that it may not work and if it does it will be because we have put so much work into it.

My new job isn't bad, however, it isn't what I want to do and I wish I could get a place in Fort Wayne where I could live comfortably and be happy and most importantly away from my mother but so far no luck on that front. I know that these things will come but right now they seem so far away.

Well all I need to sleep a bit.

Changes

So life is all about things changing and there are times that it hurts to know that everything around you in changing even on small levels yet still it happens.

I got a phone call, one I knew was coming sooner or later but it still showed me what I lack when it comes to my age and where I am headed in my life. Elaina is having a baby and I am so happy for her but still here I sit unable to decided on a relationship, childless, and still in school. I work in a grocery store so my 'personal' life is now pretty much nonexistent when it comes to that.

There are things I want that I see those around me getting and it hurts. I know I shouldn't be jealous and really I'm not, I'm so happy for them and all the things that they have. They just choose different roads to getting them than I did and on a learning curve prospective I am 'running behind' those who are in the same group I am.

So what am I babbling about I don't really know. I just want to grow up and be like all the other kids and yet I am still very much me and very much alone.

In other news family reunion went off with slightly less drama than normal. No one screamed, and the food wasn't to bad. My grandma is still a nag and great grandma is crazy but I knew that going into the deal so no real shocks there. Got to see my cuz even though just for a few minutes, I sure do love her and miss her something awful.

Everyone have a good night.

3:43 Am

I sit here a long time between post and I am forced to ponder a question. Where the heck did my childhood go? I turn 24 today therefore I am no longer a teenager nor am I traditional college student. I'm not living a family life nor do I see one in my immediate future although there was a time not to long ago that I did.

So today I am one year older...No big deal this is just another in a long line of birthdays that I have known were coming sooner or later. I will go to work, just like any other day and I will get frustrated.

Where am I in life...WOW good question. I am sure I will ponder it out in its entirety sooner or later.

Hmm

Okay so I am not so great at keeping this thing up to date. I know that I'm not sure sometimes even why I keep it up and running. I started my blog just over a year ago and it has has had many different moments on it over that time. I have started and ended more than one relationship. I have started and ended one relationship many times. I have complained about work, written about church functions or church problems, I have vented anger and I have rejoiced. Isn't it amazing what going through and reading your own words can do to make you realize that even when you are down you are okay and life will sooner or later go on. A year later I am glad that I have this place to communicate with others even if those others may only be my cousin and few close college friends that have the web link.

In other news I finally got a job and a place to live, it isn't however how I planned all along for it to be. I am living with my grandma and grandpa Bales, my other grandparents don't know because they will feel that I somehow choose my moms parents over them and there will be a lot of drama that goes with it when all of that comes out.

I work for Marsh (I know, I know) I will be their assistant office manager in a few weeks, but I start training on Monday and I am so excited. I get a pay raise, a new name tag (not a big deal to some but at Marsh this is important), and to learn how to do all of the office functions of the store and I get health insurance again. The hours will be a bit crazy for a while but I am sure I will get used to it.

I finally used the L-word and meant it when I was talking to someone who means the world to me and I am so happy that I did. Was I scared and did I nearly have a panic attack, yes, but in the end it was just what both of us needed to know from each other. It is nice to be wanted and to be loved by someone who doesn't care about all of the family crap and can help make you sane while you are trying to deal with it alone. This isn't to say that the family crap doesn't get on their nerves but they know that they don't have to live with it every day, well at least not yet anyway, wink wink.

I am doing good and am looking forward to the next week. Everyone have a great night.

Its been a while

I don't really have news to post here but I thought I would create some form of an update for those of you that read this.

I got new glasses which are nice becuase I can see what it is I am doing, a nice change of pact I must admit. I went to my aunt and uncles and used their much faster much nicer internet conection to get my new class set up. I did get and A in Stats class.

I am not moving to Fort Wayne right now which stinks but I am sure I will be okay.