What to do

So things are changing but I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Lets wait and see.

Not a whole lot

It seems strange to have nothing to say...today was well today... I went to work after going to bed at 230 this morning...although I didn't go to sleep for a couple of hours after that. Lets see where things go from here.

Stand

This is the week and the day that I have been looking for my whole life. Do I have a husband? No, but that will come. Do I have a career? No, but that will come also. But what I do have is direction and a clue about where the future is going take me. I like the way it feels and I can't wait to figure it all out and put some of the still missing large pieces of my puzzle in place.

during a long conversation with Eric on Sunday night I gave an insight to him that in fact I needed to be giving myself yet I didn't take it to heart till a few hours later as I boarded a plane to head back to Indiana. "Just rest in the fact you know it will come." We always want God to show us the answers now not later. We don't want to stand and know that He is God and that He has all of this in His control and when it is time He and only He will show us what our future does in fact hold. It is hard to stand in one place and not know when we are to be moving forward again. Standing and waiting isn't easy for anyone and there are so many things that could get us distracted and then we forget that we were standing waiting on the direction and answers that we so desperately want to see now rather than later.

I stood before God since May of this year and wondered what in the world He had going on up there that I couldn't get a job and I couldn't seem to find direction in my life, then just a easily as I have paced spiritually wanting the answers now rather than later that I nearly missed them when they did finally start coming to me. There are so many different ways that this whole thing could turn out. Now my fear has become what if I'm wrong? What if I have simply convinced myself that this is what God wants for me? How do I make sure that I stay on the right path? Why do I feel so alone when I am standing in a room full of people? How do I deal with all of this? What about the person I love most? Will he support me? Will he follow me? Will I loose him forever? All these questions and I have no answers for them, none and now I must stand and wait on the final directions for this part of my life. This could change it all or it could make it all seem so much better than I ever expected.

Standing and waiting for confirmation from God is a lot like flying standby. When you get the booth and pray with everything you have that the flight you need to board isn't full and there will be a seat there for you? You wait for the man behind the counter to read your name and tell you that there is a seat there for you and you can proceed to your next destination. Now I stand at that counter and wait...Hoping, praying, crying, pleading, to hear my name as list of passengers for the next stop are read slowly. I stand with my arms uplifted wanting to hear that final confirmation.

Perfect

Here it is. I love it here this place is wonderful. I want to make it my home. Sorry mom.

Flying at Night

As I flew over the country on my way to Utah I was mesmerized by all of the city lights that were lit up thousands of feet below me. How small I am in the eyes of God. I was only flying at 35,000 feet and everything seemed so little. In the big picture I am but a speck of dust on the ground. I walk through this life like I am the only person that is afected by the choices that I have made. I want to be center the all and all when there are millions of people who have it so much more to deal with than I ever will.

I love it here, I could easily see myself living here. I have to admit that when my plane left Chicago I cried and was scared but I really think this is okay.

I have a busy day. I will write soon.

It Hit Me

Today is a day that I have been looking forward to for a very long time. Potentially the last day that I have to call Warsaw, IN my home and think about the fact that this is where I may end up for all time. I leave for Salt Lake City in the morning and everyone is a bit on edge about it all. Reaching outside my comfort zone isn't something that I have even been so good at. I want get this started and hopefully I won't be rejected along the way.

I'm in love, the problem is, the person I am in love with doesn't know it. How do I lay my whole heart out there before I leave without scaring him off for all time. I need choices to be made and I need to know if I am just imagining these feelings or if perhaps they could be returned to me. I am going to put it out there and see what happens, that's right Staci I'm taking a bit of my own advise. I won't know what will happen until the exact moment when it does and then I will have to face the fact that I am completely exposed to a person that means the entire world to me.

My emotions have a completely taken over me and I will have get them under control before I face my biggest fear...Complete and total honesty.

Its here

Today is one of those days, yes I realize it is only 12:04am but it happens all every year right around now.

September 21st has so many different places in my heart and holds the keys to so many secret rooms that I have worked so hard to keep to myself.

Today is the day I got saved, made that commitment and got ready to take a path different than that of any of my other family members. I wanted to change my life even at the age of 16 knowing that the path that I was headed down was one of destruction and heartache, not that there haven't been some of those things along the way but it has been so much easier to deal with. A bit of faith, even that of a mustard seed, will allow you to grow.

Today is also the day that everything I knew came to a screeching halt and for a split second the world quit spinning. My dad died today and everything changed forever, and in many ways it is a good thing but there are several other ways that it was very bad. My brother was so young that he didn't get a chance to really know his father, and I needed someone around to keep the rest of my family sane. However, I got to go to college and do things that would have never been an option if the accident hadn't happened.

Tonight I had a really good talk with a man named Alan, that I have never actually met. He lives in Salt Lake City and I may meet him this weekend sometime, but I am still not sure if I will be able to pull it off. He is a student in my class for those of you who think I am crazy enough to meet a stranger off the internet.

A friend has been on my mind lately, more so than normal and I hope that he is okay, I haven't heard from him in quite a while. He popped into my head the other day, Sunday to be exact, as I drove through the town where I know that he was scheduled to preach on that day. I didn't however remember that Sunday was the day that the service was scheduled, I just knew it was where he spent his Sundays. I don't know, I really hope he is doing well.

I leave for Salt Lake on Thursday, its gone be a long weekend but I am excited.

Family Reunion

Family reunion went off with a minimal amount of drama although some unexpected family members showed up it was a good thing. I hadn't realized how much my great grandma had aged until I saw her today but she looked good over all knowing that there are very few years left ahead of her. She is very opinionated to say the least but has the best intentions in the world...Most of the time.

This week will conclude my second online class and quite possibly start the road to my future. I fly out on Thursday and will return on Monday to Salt Lake City. What a difference a few weeks can make. Everyone seems to be taking these choices I've made pretty well and now it is time to put myself completely out there to see what is going to happen. There are so many people that I finally need to be honest with and I am at the top of my own list.

That is an area where we could all spend a bit of time. Being honest with ourselves about who we are and what we want. I know what I want now to put myself out there to try to get it. So once Again Here I Come World.

Here I Go

Next week I am flying to Salt Lake, it is nearly official...Wow what difference some talking can make...Now how to tell my best friend that I want him to come with me.

When Reality Attacks

There are moments in life when you are forced to face reality. Making bad decisions or for that matter horrible ones is one of those moments. Spending most of the last week in tears over a couple hours of complete and total stupidity has been stressful and frustrating for me. There were moments where I felt like everything that I have worked so hard for could fall apart at my finger tips and there would be nothing I could do about it now. There are so many different outcomes to every situation that a person faces in life but from where I sat all of the possibilities were very negative and potentially devastating for me, my family, and my friends.

After a fairly lengthy conversation with Staci last night I went for a walk in the rain to help gather thoughts and ponder some of the stuff that she said. The thought that stuck with me the most was that this could in fact be the chance to change things once and for all that I have been looking for. I made a choice at nearly 2 am alone in the dark that this is my stop, it is where I get off of the path that I had been traveling with and get back on the one that I should have been on all along. There are many people that I trust but I wouldn't share the emotions of this moment with but I am glad to have one non-judgmental family member who isn't going to condemn me to having to relive one mistake every time I walk into a room.

When reality attacks it can be very painful and in many ways force you to grow and deal with the issues that you have been avoiding for so long. I know what I did was wrong, frankly I never even questioned the choice, I knew it was a bad one while I was making it but it didn't stop me from going ahead with it. Every choice good or bad has its consequences and as these next few weeks go on I have to deal with the ones I have made. So as I am dashed upon the rocks of the world we live in, I am forced to admit that that things I did were stupid and I pray that I am never even in a situation where it could happen again.

How to Approach It

I am ready to put it all on the line. My heart, my future, everything that I am and I'm not sure how to do it.

I have a job now and I'm not sure what to do. I am so happy that it is happening, but it is going to be very difficult. So how do I approach it. I don't know...Look out life here I come.

Mountain Ranges

During this past weekend I got to spend some of the time walking alone and staring into the mountain ranges. It isn't until you are standing at the base of a mountain looking up at the massive structures that God Himself created. It is powerful to think that with God on your side you can say to that mountain be thou moved and it will. I sat and stared up the at the beauty of mountains I was also creating analogies for myself about these massive structures.

My heart is like a mountain, there are many layers and years worth of wear and tare on it. When I feel my best and want to take on on the world I roll back down the mountain to a point of pain and sadness.

There are thousands of steps to the top of any mountain and someone will be the first to climb it and as for my mountain I will be the first one to climb it, and it will my steps that get me there.

The aw inspiring beauty of the mountains left me speechless which for me is a rarity and it happened twice this weekend while I was away. Once because of sheer beauty and once of embarrassment and fear. To have so many different emotions is something that I am not used to.

So I'm off again on another whirlwind adventure. It is time to lay my heart out on the line and face the fact that I may very well be shut down before it is all said and done. Look out world here I come.

On The Road Again

This weekend was long to say the least.

I traveled all day Friday which makes for a long weekend from the start. I went to Rising Fawn, GA, and that is no typo that is the name of the town where Randy and Elaina will live once they are married. I went to Randy's home church which was wonderful and made me feel better about the fact that my best friend was about to move so far away from home. The services were wonderful and the music was great, Randy is the music minister there.

Friday was pretty limited to driving there and getting some sleep before Saturday.

Saturday we went into Chattanooga, TN, which is only about 25 miles away and walked a couple of malls where I managed to embarrass myself pretty well, by tripping on my way in and then again on the escalator, but it was really no big deal to me. Saturday night I went to the worst blind date ever. I am not saying that he was a bad guy because he wasn't but he simply wasn't my type of guy and it made things very awkward to say the least for my friends and for myself until the instant that the date came to and end. The guy they had set me up with wasn't able to form a conversation and simply made me feel horrible. He has a child which I knew about prior to the blind date, at least they did warn me about that, but outside of that he had nothing. No car, phone, or anything that a 34 year-old with a child should have, especially living in the mountains of TN.

Sunday was some great church and we spent the entire day in Fort Ogalthorpe, GA at the church. I got to sing with their musicians and learn some fun new songs to bring back to Indiana, even though they will have to be taught without the help of my trusty best friend Elaina. That was what a lot of this weekend was about. Getting ready to accept the fact that my best friend is leaving and there is nothing that I can do about it at all. She will be completely moved on Oct. 3 and until then we simply have to live like everything is going to be okay and there is nothing for me to be sad over. I will miss her. If it weren't for the fact that I am planning on leaving I don't think I would be this upset over it all. I kinda thought that she would be here when I would come home to see people then I could see her too, now she will be about 10 hours away from the place that I call home, because that is what it will be no matter what I decided to do about leaving here.

Today, Monday, was a long day of driving. It took longer coming home because we made quite a few stops and a couple of really long ones. We stopped to see Randy's cousins in Louisville, and then in Marion to see my great grandma, who God love her is crazy but I at least I stopped and it was okay. We had a short conversation but I think she was glad to see me at least and now she has met one of my friends.

So in closing, this weekend was good but very tiring and now I'm thinking I need to sleep.

Leaving

So here I go on my last road trip with one of my best friends, I will update when I get home late Monday.

Didn't even know it

So I woke up this morning and started doing laundry for the trip to TN which is now just over 24 hours away and it hit me. I've gotten old even before this last week.

There are few things that really have changed in my life. After arriving home late last night I went to be excited that I got to sleep in this morning but only until 8:30 which is nice but there was a time that I felt getting up then was way to early and completely unreasonable. So when it comes to sleep patterns then yes I am getting older. I see how by the time I finish my career I will be just like my grandparents and be getting out of bed at 4 or 5 in the morning to start the day. Today I woke up at 7:30 and wasn't tired so my sleeping in was limited to only an extra 30 minutes but it was nice to get some extra sleep.

Dishes, as a teenager I didn't really care how the dishes got done either I just wanted some clean when I was ready to go to dinner. Now I load the dishwasher without even thinking about it and never even consider it a chore anymore. There are still some kitchen chores that I don't like but I know that they have to be done so I don't fight then like I once did.

So I don't really think I am old I simply that some things have taken on different roles in my life, just like that of some of my relationships that I am starting to build or rebuild if that be the case. Where did things start to change in my life? I don't really know but I do know that it is for the best and I like what I am seeing. There were so many areas that I really struggled with over the past few years but there are so many others where I was strong that it is clear that I shouldn't have been. So as I continue in this transition and I will simply hold on for the ride.

23

So its true, today is my Birthday, and I feel....well...old.

I worked a long day then spent very little time alone to think about the up coming changes and the fact that I have decided to put myself completely out there with someone who means the world to me. So as I turn 23 and still have no idea what is really going on I jump into this next year head on.

So HERE WE GO.

22 for a few more hours

So with my 23rd birthday approaching faster than I really want it to, I decided to take a long alone, with my keys in pocket.

Here are the hard facts:
1. I'm not married yet, and I want to be
2. I don't have an actual job, I still do the same thing I did in high school
3. I realized recently that there are people in my life that I love more than anything.
4. Man I'm getting old fast and there doesn't appear to be anything I can do to stop it.

So reality isn't quite like I had always imagined it would be at this strange of my life. I expected to have a husband or at least be on my way to one but it appears this is another dream that may remain unfulfilled for a long while. I've found one person that I would actually consider marrying but I still don't know what kind of emotions and feelings he has for me.

I expect to have a job, after all I did what I supposed to do and went to college and got a degree so that I would be able to leave the job I had in high school.

And the fact I'm old really isn't true but you know sometimes you just feel that way.

Locked Out

Today was one of those days. We all have them. No matter how had we try everything appears to go wrong.

I left for work this morning late to say least and got a lecture when I arrived on promptness and the importance of keeping the schedule flowing. This was only followed by the revelation that I had left my keys to the cash register at home with my house keys on it as well, but I didn't panic because I could borrow a register key and didn't realize that I didn't have house keys.

The drive home...was interesting at best, the 12 minutes from Marsh to home are usually uneventful but today was a whole different day. Grace College's campus is still ripped apart because they are putting in new curbs, I ran a red light night in front of a cop...no I didn't get a ticket, but he did pull me over to point out the fact that I had run it. But at 4 in the afternoon my bad day was just minutes away from getting worse.

I arrived home to discover my brother wasn't there and to finally discover that my house keys were locked safely inside the house, mad no, but a bit frustrated. One would assume this is the end of day gone crazy but no. So I sat outside with a lot of time to think before someone with keys would be able so show up. I walked around the farm and talked to myself and God for quite a while. I think I was off in my own little world...well I'm sure I was and tripped and fell into a hole dug by stupid groundhogs in our barn yard, no I'm not hurt but I was all dirty and even more frustrated than before.

Finally someone got home to let me in then I took a few minutes to gather my thoughts and start to write. Even bad days have their up sides. I got to think about what all I have locked out of my life and how empty some people must feel when they lock out the most important things. I understand that often we shut out or lock out things that we don't want to deal with but then eventually those things get your keys and let themselves in so that we are forced to face them.

So today I look into some of those rooms that I had intentionally locked myself out of...Do I want to, NO, but I will because they will help me grow.

Staying on the Path

This morning in Sunday school an interesting question was posed. How many of us plan on making it the end? When you think about the end it seems so simple. We 'run' this Christian race from day to day then when we get to Heaven we stand before God and account for the things that we did in this life and for the souls that we won in His name sake.

As I pondered this question, I can't say that I never thought that I wouldn't make it to the end of this life long race but how many times I have started to leave the path and go out on my own. Straight and narrow may be a cliche but there are so many times when I want to do things my way and not the way of God. I want to move and I want to do it now but God hasn't lead me to that job that I am to have yet. I want a family and I want it now and yet I still have no husband. The list goes on and on. Where do I go from here with what I have.

We also talked about those who have fallen off the path and no longer choose to follow God and reasons why they left. Hurt, failing, and waiting were the three main ones that we discussed. Hurt by someone in the church and not wanting to deal with the human side of the church so instead of accepting that none of us are perfect they simply leave and blame it on God and the people of that one building. Failing, we all fail God some of us more than we should because of who we surround ourselves with and the things we do. I know that I have failed God so many times that it is nearly impossible to count the amount of heartache I have caused my God. The third topic is one that hit me especially hard and that is falling away from God while waiting on His hand to guide you. When you are sitting waiting to see what is next in you life and where you are to go from here and not knowing and starting to doubt what God is doing or what He has for you in the future. There have been many times during the last few months that I simply have wanted to turn and walk away from God because I have no idea what is in store for me and I'm so impatient that I want to know now. But I know that He is God and it is all in His time whether or not I like it.

So the goal is to stay on the path. We may bounce between the sides of the path and God may have to help guide us back into the middle but we must stay on it.

Memories

As I sat across the table from an old boyfriend, I stared at him not even really knowing what to say. There were so many great memories of time we spent together. Two years at Taylor and he and I were together all of the time, we had so many laughs and so many tears.

He was supposed to be 'the one' that I was going to be with for all time. I know that I still love him but we have taken such different paths over the last eight months. Loving him however did nothing for the amount of pain that he caused me and for that matter the pain I caused him. Relationships are so draining and commitment filled, as they should be, but when they aren't right when they fall apart it is like a whole world is crashing in around you.

We did manage to through in an argument for old times sake I guess and some things were said that made me want to cry in front of him but I didn't want to appear weak. As he left to go to Fort Wayne there were a few tears on my part, but not sad to see him leave tears, thankful tears that I didn't marry him and that we choose to take our own paths and that God did not allow that path in both our lives to continue.

So with a bruised ego and some sad missed dreams that we had together we will both sleep tonight and try to imagine what might have been if we had in fact stayed together. I wouldn't be sad about my best fried, but in all fairness he wouldn't be my best friend if he and I had stayed together. So where do I go from here. I take a few minutes to reflect on what used to be and try not to be overwhelmed from them all.

Memories are just memories no matter how many different ways you try to approach it. There are so many different memories that make me smile and those are the ones that I would really like to keep.

Transition

My whole life seems to be in trasnition and it all appears to be going fairly well. As time progresses and I have to make these final choices and changes I keep reminding myself that all things work together. Late last night I had a long conversation with a women that I attend church with that told me that no matter what happens in the next few weeks this is God's will and it will all turn out just as He wants it.

I find myself fighting faith with the logical side of me. Logically this type of change is unreasonable and unheard of, but by faith I know that it will all be okay. Logically 1500 miles from the place where I grew up, although I swore I would never end up here, is completely unreasonable. There are many different 'end results' that I can imagine happening. I know that there are thousands of different ways that this can turn out if I don't at least listen to what God is telling me and pay attention to what He is doing for me.

There are thousands of things to be done and many things to be dealt with here, so here we go again. I will be okay and there will challenges and moments where I struggle but here goes nothing.

My transition is nothing compared to that of my cousin who leaves today to start a whole new part of her life and is ready to do all of the things she is so capable of. I love her and miss her already and I'm fairly certain she hasn't even left her house yet. Although for now she will live just over an hour away for me it seems like a world apart. I have no room to talk though, the things I'm planning will literally put us thousands of miles from each other instead of a hundred. Have I mentioned that I love so much and I am so proud of her? Just in case here it is again.

So as I enter this huge transition with open heart, soul, mind and spirit, I am forced to let go of some of the logical side of me. Where to go from here, I'll leave that one up to GOD.

Comfort

Being comfortable is something that we all wish to possess in our lives but often struggle to find even in the places where we should be the most comfortable of all. I think about the countless sermons I have heard about reaching outside of our comfort zones and reaching outside our limits to reach those who are lost but if you really think it about it, it is one of those things that is easier said than done.

There are many things that I feel I'm comfortable about but with a small amount of thought I am quick to realize that this may simply be not true. I'm comfortable with my family, no not really. I am always trying to strive to be something more and reach new levels to prove things to them that they never thought I was able or capable of doing. I'm comfortable with my faith, on most days yes, until you stand in a room and are being grilled over what you believe and why then the real questions start to strive in your mind. My job, after six years one would assume that comfort is the one thing it has to offer me and that is not true, boredom and frustration are mostly what come from it.

Then there are my friends, the ones that I should be able to expose myself to and feel good about what it happening when I am around them but this is often not the case. There are some friends that I a can be completely honest with and express myself to but then there are those that this is simply not the case. I am then forced to question their effectiveness in my life and there purpose for being there. I am a purpose person and have to have reasons for everything. I keep this blog to share my feelings and random thoughts with others. I live it at home because I have to, perhaps this isn't a reason but it is close enough for me. I went back to school to prove that I could, and now it is to further myself.

So what is it to be comfortable? It is hard to say but I think it is what we all strive for.

Faith

So its 12:03 am do you know where your children are. Well I don't so what are you to do. I am forced to think of all of the things I'm giving up. Faith is easy to talk about and harder to live out. There are so many things that would be so much easier if I could be in charge of it all and not have to rely on God. I simply can't imagine living without faith. Walking in a cold dark world where there is no hope and you feel that you are all alone.

There are many times where I feel like I am alone and there is no one out there who wants to guide me and help me through the issue that we so often refer to as life. Life for me is a series of ups and downs and the goal then becomes to keep the ups and the downs as close together as to not make them appear so extreme.

Faith, evidence of things not seen, easier said than done. As I sit and type I think of all of the little things that I wish I completely understood and then realize that faith is the best way to let things run. There are many cliches that go with faith including the phrase put some feet on your faith. That is in fact what I am preparing to do, put feet on my faith. Moving away from everything and letting go of everything here, is more of a leap of faith off of a cliff.

As I dive head first into the unknown and bundle and mail my resumes to an unknown city, I am reminded of the song Go west young man. Granted I am a women but the affect is still the same. I am headed into a huge world of unknowns and still possess a strange peace about it all. So again I jump off this cliff and head out into the world. Thank God for faith and little healthy nerves to go with it.

Just Another Day

Just another day where everything seems to be going well. It is strange to me to have these happening more than about once a month. I had a phone interview this morning and they will be contacting me in the near future about the possibilities that they have to offer me. Does this mean I have a job, well I'm afraid not, but it does mean that I'm on my way. There are so many things that make me smile now even when I'm so sad about loosing such a close friend all in the name of love.

I am so looking forward to the prospect of moving on and getting out of here no matter where that might be it will wonderful and it will be all faith. For the most part no matter where I go I will be going alone and I will be scared to death but it will okay and God is going to keep things in order as I continue to learn to listen. There are so many things that I am discovering that I didn't listen to before. The world around me continues to change.

My cousin leaves for her first semester in college on Friday and I am going to miss her even though I don't get to spend that much time with her. This summer has been huge for the two of us growing closer which we we're really never given the opportunity to do until now. We are both older and actually have much more in common that I ever though possible. We really bonded on family vacation this summer and I realized that she is a wonderful young lady who has the whole world at her finger tips.

So my family is crazy no doubt about it but I'm learning more and more that there are rays of hope in there and we must make sure that we shine bright to all of the rest.

So as I leave for work today it is Just Another Day where I get the opportunity to rejoice in what God is doing in my life and how wonderfully everything is starting to fall together.