Two Lives

Often I wonder if I am living two different lives. There is the one where everything is going smoothly and I am achieving those things that I wish to achieve, then there is the life where everything seems to be in a consistent spiral downward or at least out of control.

Today was a simple day. I am housesitting for a family in my church so I sat around read part of my assignment for school, watched a movie on my laptop, went for a walk, read the paper, and played with Luke (the dog). I was glad to get the school work done although I now have yet another week of down time before we pick back up. The weather around here has been nothing if not bizarre. On Wednesday night we had our first snow of the year which made for the traditionally bad road and cold winds, but this year it was different for me. The snow was white and perfect yet annoying. The wind no colder than it has been in the past yet it seemed to pierce my body sharply. I can't really explain it all or I would.

This in turn meant that I had all the time in the world to sit and think about everything that has been going on in my life as of late. It is hard to put my finger on it but somethings are changing and I am not so sure that I like it. I still have a letter that I wrote nearly a week ago now and I have no idea what I am going to do with it. Part of me wants to burn it and pretend that I did in fact give it to its intended recipient, that way I could feel that those parts of my emotions were already dealt with. I think this is because I fear rejection of telling someone exactly how I feel and what I am thinking.

I am quickly learning again, that complete faith requires complete faith. I want to be used, I want to be seen as a strong person, I want to be there for others, and I in fact try to put these things out there and usually end up rejected. I guess the huge part is that I want these things and don't take the time to learn how to be these things. I want to used, to be someone that other look up to but I all to often find myself face down on the ground asking God what an earth went so wrong here. Were did I mess it up this time because there were so many different outcomes and yet again I managed to be on worst path for the whole situation. I want to be strong and not be scared of the future or of being hurt or of change but it is simple to see that this is hard for anyone especially me. My life has been nothing but one big change after another yet the whole idea of change seems to scare me to death.

I know there is a lot of babbling today but it means something to me and even makes sense when I reread it so I am sorry for those of you who I may have lost but glad you are all still out there.