Getting Ready

If any of you know me, I am not so good at packing ahead of schedule so it is no surprise that it is nearly midnight and I am just now starting to do laundry for my trip. I will be gone till Monday and I am excited to get away, again for a while. It is simple I need to get out of this place and work through some of my own issues that are to much to deal with here.

Staci quote of the day:

"The truth is that every time a door closes behind us, the rest of the world opens up in front of us. All we need to do is stop pounding on the door that is closed, turn around, and see the largeness of life that now lies open to our soul." -Parker Palmer

A hole in my heart

I have a a hole in my heart. I thought it would have healed by now. I want to know how on earth I can fill it. I know what the hole is from and I know that my heart is breaking and I can't do anything about it. I have this huge hole that means the world to me...I don't like being in love, and more over I don't like being in love with someone who refuses to love me back.

It hurts to know that there is a gap inside me and I can't tell anyone what it really feels like because the only way you would is if you have been there and know how much it hurts to be ripped apart inside and have no where to put it. God is in control and perhaps it isn't the right time but oh well it happens. I'm a mess and I am still sick.

I don't like being sick, I'm sure I've mentioned it before but it is horrible to be sick and not really know why. Hopefully soon I feel better that is what they keep telling me anyway.

Fear Factor

When you hear those two words you think of that horrible NBC show where people voluntarily eat some of the most disgusting things that I have ever seen. Do you ever wonder if this is what God is doing to you? Testing you to see what you are afraid of or what you are willing to do.

One of my biggest fears is to take a leap of faith and that is what it is going to have to be on so many levels, and then the thought it is it a leap of faith or a leap of stupidity. Do I do thing because it is really what God wants me to do or do I stand still proving that it is a lie and I am simply being drained emotionally by none other than myself. I kill myself spiritually, I think we all do and often don't realize that we are doing it when in fact it is so clear to others.

I have nearly committed spiritual suicide on several instances and didn't even realize I was doing it at the time in question. I have cut myself off from my spiritual food and slowly started to starve myself and gasp for air. Even as I sit to write tonight I am walking dangerously close to doing it again. Sunday night Pastor preached to me, without actually saying my name, but I knew who it was directed toward even if he didn't.

So do we play games like fear factor when we are working on jumping out in faith? I think so, just to see how far we can push those limits. I've gotten close to crossing them and I think so many others have too. So now to make my spiritual walk something more than a game.

Finding It?

Tonight at church I stood and cried, really cried, and it hurt and I felt pulled in a thousand different directions and don't know where to put all that anger and frustration.

God really talked to me this evening and now I have to learn how to listen. I want to know what is going on in my world and I want to know now and I am not getting the answers that I want to hear. I don't like the emotions running around inside of me and I don't like that fact that I give control to God and as a result I loose it myself.

Pastor Cox spoke on finding things we have lost in our salvation. I had lost my path, and slowly started working my way down my own path. I didn't like to cry, where everyone can see, because to me then everyone is thinking about the fact that I am crying and that I have something to be hiding, or that I have done something wrong. If you loose a camera you loose memories and you have to use you memory to keep pulling them back, often we loose our 'salvation' camera and have to pull those memories up from the back of our head and look at them.

What have I lost in my anger, in my lies, in my hurt, in my emotions, what? It is hard to say because it is lost and I am want things to be better and I hope and pray that they will be. I will find what I am looking for, I am sure. So now I just have to be looking because I don't exactly know what that is.

Journaling

Journaling is something that I take pride in and enjoy doing very much. It also aids in allowing me to see where I am coming from and how I deal with so many emotions. I know that there are times that my journal is just a rant and I do apologize for that. I also know that this pattern will repeat itself over and over. I also want this journal to be a opportunity for my friends who are off in different parts of the country and world to keep up with some of the aspects of my life. I suppose I started journaling because both my cousin and one of my best friend do it and it is how I keep up with their lives so it only made since to start one up myself and now it is one of the nicest things I have done.

When I sit down to write I'm thinking about what I have to do on that day or the concerns that keep running through my mind or what I have to do that hasn't been completed yet. There are many times that what is worrying me or what I am fretting about is not as big a deal as they seem at the time and that is hard for me. I am going to be fine. God has control of my life, even when I don't like it and even when I want to have control.

This week was a rough week and I haven't felt well the whole week and that has been adding stress to my life. Yesterday my aunt saw me at work and it is very obvious that I am tired and completely drained and she actually said something about it to me and to my cousin which I am not used to. She usually doesn't take a caring role in my life. It is nice to know that even those who you don't think ever care are able to care occasionally. I talked with Staci for a few moments last night and it was nice, she however was a tired as I feel and went to bed, I'm glad she had a good birthday and is such a wonderful girl. Have I mentioned that I miss her and I want to go see her when I get the chance.

Trying to figure out this whole move thing has really started to take is toll on me. I know that I am moving to Salt Lake, the question now becomes when. Until late Thursday night it was the day after Christmas and now I am not sure if that is going to happen like I want it to. I want to leave on December 26 so bad that I can taste it but the reality of it is that the first six months of my year are nearly booked. I am two weddings, there are three graduations (Eric, Kyle, Sarah) that I must be in attendance for, and life is continue to happen when I am away. I know that these are some of the same choices that I will be making the years to come while I am out west but how to make them is a bit harder than I want them to be.

Reading Eric's site after he got home from his camping trip it appears that he spent much time putting things together about where he wants to go and now he simply has to figure out how he plans on getting there. (www.ericbradley.com) Have I mentioned how much his friendship means to me and how I hate to think of a world without him around? It's true that is how much he means to me and I don't know why, even when we lived further apart I thought of him all the time so now that he is so close I think of him more. I drive through his campus everyday, literally, and say a prayer for him that his day would go well or that he would be happy with all the choices that go into being in college, and there are a lot of them. In the event you read this...I miss you Eric!!!!

Today is a semi busy day, but on the upside I don't have to go work, which will be nice because I savor any time off I get. Birthday parties at my grandparents house for my grandpa, aunt Diane, uncle Danny, and possibly one more but I can't remember who's. Then hopefully coffee with my cousin, Staci if you read this call my cell phone, and then hope to do school work and stuff before I go lay in bed and not sleep, like I have several nights this past week. I am feeling a bit better today but I am not sure how long it is going to last. So as I go take a shower everyone have a great day.

Sometimes you gotta laugh

OH to make a fool of myself. If there is one thing that I am good at it is making sure that I look like an idiot when the day is done. Between my overly clumsy natural self and my ability to mix people up I can usually end up looking like a huge dork when it is all said and done.

What would make yesterday any different? Nothing. I went to work, yes that job that I don't like that I don't want anymore, and did what I thought I supposed to be doing. There are times in my world where I should just keep my mouth shut and let things go on until someone else notices them, but that is not how I work, so I decided to say something, of course that is the wrong something at the wrong time but I say it anyway. I put my foot in my mouth big time and since it is such a familiar place for me, I am really okay with it.

I have to go to work today again, see what I'm talking about being an adult is rough, go to work everyday and pay your bills on time, yikes, I didn't sign up for this. I am tired and need to go get dressed, yes it is 1215 but I didn't go to bed till well after 4 so I really didn't sleep that long. I will write later tonight or tomorrow I'm sure.

Have a great day and remember to laugh at yourself, you are usually the best comedian out there.

As My World Turns

Do you ever feel like you are living in a soap opera? I honestly can say that the last few days have been that way. I keep waiting for the high tension moments to cut to commercial but as luck would have it I haven't gotten that break yet.

I was up most all night working on school work and haven't been quite this tired in some time but I got everything I needed to get done, done, I think? As I poured myself into bed at 412 this morning all I could think is that I had far to much to do today and that there was no way it was going to get done because I would be so tired. At 847 am my cell phone rang and of course I answered it and it was my associate pastor calling to tell me that I wouldn't have to teach the children's class tonight, although I was frustrated that he woke me up I was grateful because that took two things off the list for today. No lesson plans and no teaching time, plus no need to go get snacks after work. Just as I faded back to sleep my alarm clock when off...Time to go to work, This whole being an adult thing has its draw backs, including the fact they expect you to pay your bills and show up everyday.

Although I don't watch As The World Turns or All My Children (I love Days of Our Lives, and don't know why), I assume that all soap operas have the same basic plots. A good guy, a bad guy, teenagers, and children, love affairs, you know what I mean. Right now in my life I have good guys and bad guys. I have to deal with teenagers a lot at work that drive me crazy and I want to reenact one of the fight scenes where I get to choke the crap out of someone being selfish all in an attempt to make me feel better. Love affairs I've got under control, most of the time, currently having no love life seems to be working out well for me. Calling someone by the wrong name seems to bring a very quick end to those kinds of things. Opps...I really am sorry if you still read this.

Today I got a call from someone who was very happy and full of joy. My childhood best friend Sarah is getting married and it is strange to see this step taking affect in her life. I have known for quite some time that she and Rob would end up together and that eventually, assuming he would propose, she would say yes and their fairy tail would be off and running. So I returned her call while I was on my break at work, listened to her excitement and came home awaiting the proofs for the bridesmaid dresses. I got them and they don't look to bad, she loves us all enough to make sure that the color works for all our skin and hair colors, God love red hair, because not everything matches it.

I went to the doctor again today, oh boy what fun, and she swears that over the next couple of weeks I should start to feel better and not be sick all the time, I have my doubts to be real honest, since I have been this way for so long now. You know you go to the doctor's office too often when you walk in and they don't even make you sign in anymore and all the nurses can call you by name on sight. It can also prove embarrassing when standing in front of other patients who are clearly annoyed that the staff seems to be nicer to you than they are to them.

Tonight I have church, some time to sit and think and work through some of the nitty gritty details in my head. Midweek is a time to refresh and rethink for the weekend. There is something about getting a chance to regroup on Thursdays that I look forward to.

Plans

My days here are numbered in more ways than one.

I need to take time to listen to God and figure out what I am going to do about all of this stuff I call life. I am increasingly afraid that what I feel is right is in fact not. I know God has a plan for me and that it is clear cut. It never ceases to amaze me that He knows the beginning from the ended every time. He knew that I would be sitting here trying to make these choices and He knew that I would start to hesitate. I wish I knew only a fraction of what He knows. I simply want to know what my life has in store for me in next weeks.

I had planned on being gone already. I had planned on being married now. I had planned to have a career set before me. I had planned to clear up all my messes. I had all these life plans that now don't mean anything. I was sure when I was making them that it was what God wanted for me and that it would be okay. Now as I sit in the face of these plans I am forced to question my motives and why I want this so bad. I want to be happy, and I am sure that, it can not happen here. I want to be successful, again not here. I knew what my future held and then I let it go. My plans were so clear cut before God either I did or I didn't and I didn't think about everything else going on around me. It was all about me and no one else now it is all about God and what He wants in my life and I don't like it.

Lately I have been at doctors offices all the time, because sometimes God wants to remind us that the choices we make have consequences and we have to face them. We know that they are there but often we are sure that even though the choices we make are wrong and sinful God will still protect us from what could happen. I have seen so many of my friends make huge mistakes and I have thought if only they hadn't done that then they wouldn't be in that much trouble but now I look back and God must have had an angel around me because there are so many times that I should have been completely broken and destroyed by the choices I have made and yet I wasn't.

I always planned on not having children and now I have this huge desire to have children of my own. I want to be a mom and be a good wife, and more and more I want these things to start to fall into place soon. I don't know when but soon. I have started having dreams about my children (yes that's right there are more than one of them) and the way they play and run. In one dream even call them by name which is very strange because I have never really thought about naming my children because until recently I had no desire to have any. There are four in all, three boys and one girl, and I can see that being who I am, a mom. Paul, clearly the oldest, Mark, and James, and the youngest Elizabeth, I've never picked out these names but the more I think about them the happier I get. I never thought that these dreams would make me weep for what I so desperately want and yet currently am nowhere near having. The thing about these dreams is that I never see my husbands face or hear his voice but he is always there.

I have had all these plans for so long and now I don't know what to do with them as they appear to be overridden by someone much more powerful than me. I know now that I can't set the future into motion it has already been done but I can sure try to stay on the path that will take me there more easily. I know that it isn't going to be easy to do but want to do it right. I want to make this a smooth as it can be. Does that mean I give up all of my hopes and dreams, it may very well mean just that but for right now I want this more and more. I want my plans to be God's plans and not my own. Who knows maybe it will all turn out just liked I have dreamed and the person I've been searching for so desperately is right in front of me this whole time.

I guess only time will tell. Six weeks and counting till the big day, that is if it stays on my plan list. I sure hope it does I'm really looking forward to it.

The Date

So I went out on my second date with a guy that I met about four weeks ago.

The first date went really well and therefore I decided that a second date would be okay. As many know I won't kiss a guy on the first date, there has been one acception to this rule, but anyway. I went out on a second date and was very quick to realize that this wasn't going to work out. We had fun and spent the evening together then as we walked to the door, I was about to tell him that I didn't think we should see each other again because I didn't think it would work when he leaned in and kissed me. Although, it was plesent I pushed him back so that I could tell him that I didn't think it was a good idea and that was the moment that I called him by the wrong name. I can honestly say that I am fairly certain I have never been so embarassed in my life.

So today is a new day, and is off to a much better start than the way yesterday ended.

Alrighty then

Learn to listen, learn to listen, learn to listen, learn to listen. Try to understand, try to udnerstand, try to understand, try to understand. Don't panic, don't panic, don't panic, don't panic.

Okay so I have had a bit of a stressful day. A trip to the doctor's office again. I don't care about that exacpt that I do care. I can't panic so here I go not panicing, it should be fun to watch, at least for other people. Anyone who knows me at all knows that I have panicing down to an art form. I just drive myself crazy with what if's but right now what if is more than just a thought, it is very possible. I am going crazy, or so it seems for right now. I just get so frazled.

I'm getting tired and should think about going to bed after all it is 830, I think I'm getting old. There was a time when 830 was just getting started for me and now that thought of few extra hours of sleep is huge and I can't wait to hit that pillow. Have I mentioned that I have felt like crap for the last three months? I am starting to feel a bit better but it will be a bit before I get better.

So as I have so often, it is alrighty then, and I will get it figured out, or not.

Small things

There are small things that God wants us to do that to us seem like they are the biggest deal you may ever face. Faith and following is all He asks from us and so often we don't do any of those things. He wants us to worship Him because of who He is and what He did for the world and yet often we feel alone. Pastor had many great points this evening including you are never to young to take a stand for God. You can be 8, 16, or any other age and stand up for what you know is right.

I have had these feelings often lately because of a changing world around me. I can stand in a room full of people and feel like there is no one there to stand beside me. I feel like I have been hung out to dry and I don't know what to do with it. I feel this way now. This morning pastor spoke about being put through the test. God will test you to make sure that you are ready for what is ahead. He will check your spirit to make sure it is as committed as it needs to be. The problem for me is that I have noticed recently I am not as steadfast as I would like to be and I often stumble and fall on my face. I want to step out and be there with God and reach these lost people but I have no idea how to do it. I don't want to put myself out there to be hurt and that is hard for me. I know that not everything goes as smoothly as we would like and that doesn't make anything better either.

Friday I was very sick and didn't know what to do. I knew that there was something very wrong and didn't even try to stop it. I just let things happen and now I feel nearly completely emotionless. I don't feel like I have a heart and I am not the most pleasant person to be around. My emotions are gone and I don't feel anymore. I am sure that I should be upset or heart broken but yet I am not. I know that there are things that need to be done and that I should be feeling and yet nothing. Why don't I feel hurt like I should? Right now I should be sad and upset yet I am strangely relieved that I can move on with my life. I know to many this makes no sense but to me it really doesn't either.

As my life continues to change around me, it is not easy not that I really expected it to be but for some reason there seem to be more changes than I was ready to deal with. Here comes another week look out. Full speed ahead.

So Cold

I woke up this morning to a rather harsh thing...It is cold, really cold. Work was interesting because of where I have to stand. Right inside the front door where every time it opens a cold breeze rushes in. I worked in a Taylor Hoodie and an ankle length skirt because I was so cold. I also laughed a bit because Eric is out camping for the weekend and he is going to freeze and it isn't going to be me. I hope he has fun but I am going to miss talking with him over the next couple of days but I am also plotting a come back so here's hope'n.

Yesterday was a good day, it started out planning to see two good friends but it turned out that I got to see three. I went to Fort Wayne to see Bethaney and Freida and did but then I got phone call as I walked into the mall to see them and it was Bryan, again Eric's best friend for those of you who don't read everyday. Bryan was driving by and stopped to see me for a bit. We chatted for a few minutes but not to long because I can go see him whenever and I don't get to see Bethaney and Freida everyday so I wanted to spend most of my time with them. Bryan and I had a decent chat while I ordered my dinner and then he went off on a date (although he swore it wasn't an actual date, but whatever). I did learn one thing last night, never ask Bryan if his date is cute or not because the answer may not be what you are expected.

Bethaney and Freida and I ate dinner at the mall, it has been so long since I had had chicken and rice and it was wonderful to sit around and talk with old friends. I didn't do much of the talking, this is something I am working on, I have noticed, especially recently that I simply talk to much sometimes. I need to listen more, to other, to God, to everything around me, to my body, I just need to learn to listen. We went to Borders to get coffee and talk some more which we did, and I was simply happy to get some good coffee since I have been trying to schedule coffee into my day for most of the week and it simply wasn't happening. It was wonderful, patty wagon latte, oh just thinking about it makes me want one more. I love coffee and I don't get it as I would like, I mean I get it sometimes and I drink plain coffee when I am at home but to go out a get specialty coffee, I simply struggle to find the time. They talked about the things that they have been up to, we talked about politics, jobs, school, where we hope to go, and if we really had any future plans. It was nice to talk but I realize that we are so different that it is strange to be together again. Bethaney is working full time and is getting ready to do her own thing, Freida is still in school and struggling to find herself in her own way, and then there is me, who went back to school after all the whining I did while in my undergrad and I am plotting my move across the country. We all ended up on such different roads, I can only hope that we will get to continue to cross paths throughout the years to come. I love them both so much and I'm so happy that they are getting what they want in life, if for nothing longer than this moment.

After all the Fort Wayne fun I went to my church and sat. After being with the two of them for several hours I realized how much we have changed and how alone I really feel when I am in a room full of people or with close friends. Everything is changing not because we all don't still love each other, but because that is what happens when you are so close then scatter out to your own parts of the world. I sat there alone in our sanctuary and cried and told God how I felt about it all and then I left after sitting for a bit to listen to Him. I don't know what is going on inside of me but I can't wait to see how it is all going to play out.

Balancing check books and pure embarrassment

As I sat down to do something that I should a bit more often this morning I discovered what I have known for a very long time. I can't do math problems in my head. I have been balancing my check book with the old pen and paper routine but was quick to discover that my math was nothing if not wrong. But in some ways it was good because I did discover that I have more money in checking than I realized. Do you ever wonder how much we really have in our Spiritual check book. Or for that matter if we are ever over drawn when it comes to our spirituality. I think we can be on both accounts. At least for me.

I can often feel like I am empty and alone and that is strange and very frustrating. I know that God is with me and He will supply but often I feel like I have overdrawn on what is to be my portion of His blessings and grace. I want to know that God is able to forgive and more importantly forget that things that we have done against Him. Do we ever have a an overdraft charge. No He knows that we aren't perfect and died on the cross because of it. We all sin, fact, We all can have Grace and Mercy, fact, but first we have to ask for it, a slightly harder fact to swallow. So what do we do when we feel overdrawn spiritually, we charge more begging for more forgiveness and for mercy. Is this what He intended then I am good at it but I think that it isn't and it is how we choose to deal with it.

Last night was a strange night. Eric and talked for hours and it all started with a comment about speed bumps figure that out. Every so often he manages to embarrass me completely and he wasn't even with me this time when he did it. It was 130 in the morning and he said the most random thing ever. I won't repeat it but man I turned bright red who he did it. I just never thought he would say something like that but anyway. He got me and now it is in my court. Although we talked about a whole lot of other things that were important and I think I don't have a clue where he is coming from. So now what...Heck I don't know.

Did I mention that he is going to try to grow actually facial hair...It should be funnier than crap to witness if nothing else. Anyway I hope to see him once he gets home from his little camping adventure. The next few weeks will be interesting at best.

So I want to marry my best friend

Last night was a long night because of a conversation that took place between Eric and I, no surprise there I'm sure. We talked about several things but the bulk of the conversion was around wanting to marry our best friends. I know that I could marry the guy I consider my best friend what is slightly stranger is that I don't even think he knows that it is him. Who is to say that it couldn't happen soon. Who is to say that it won't. So stress was also a big conversion last night, just being frustrated and upset about it all, sometimes life really gets to you and when you are thinking about the past it is easy to get sucked back into that pattern. He doesn't judge me and I love that about him.

I cried and it didn't even bother me. I mean usually it would have but not last night. We talked about the idea of marrying our best friend and short blurb about "When Harry Met Sally" because it seemed to fit and I realize last night more than ever that I want to marry one of my best friends. I even know which one but is he interested in me the same way I am in him? I don't know, perhaps not right now. Do I wait until I think it won't kill our friendship and then see if the feelings I have can be returned? Crap I don't know.

I miss him, I know him, I love him, more than likely more than he even realizes. I miss him, I miss his dorky smile, awkward silence, arm around me, long walks, I just miss him and everything that he is and everything that he does. I know him, not as well as I would like but I know that he and I are so much alike that it isn't reasonable. We both fight God on what appears to obvious and I have tried to save something that ultimately wasn't there and it hurts, so to read about or hear about him struggling makes me very sad and I have on occasion cried for him, I've been hurt by those I care about and I know that even though there are moments that when I am going to fail and I just have to try to keep those moments from destroying me. He doesn't judge what I have done and he knows who I am isn't who I will ultimately be who I become. I love him, more than he may ever know, and why, I have asked myself this many many times and it is because of all of the reasons that I miss him. I fell comfortable with him I don't have to worry about being judged for the stupid things that I have done and I can for the first time in my life time I can be completely honest with someone and I think he still loves me regardless.

So as I set out for my day I am thinking again. Dangerous territory I am aware. Oh well maybe today is the day I do the one thing that I am scared of most. Complete and total honesty.

Trying to Prove a Point?

It is hard to prove a point when you aren't sure what point you are trying to prove. I am facing an ever changing world and have struggled to find my place in it. I am planning to leave Warsaw in the not so distant future unless there is a job offer that I simply can't refuse that would arise here. I know that things are not always as clear cut as they appear. I wish I knew where one of my friends stood on the issue. If they were sincere about moving out there with me because then I would wait to go. If I didn't have to do this alone it would be so much easier. I wouldn't feel like I have completely lost my mind. I would put off a career out there to know that they wanted to go with me. I would give up the next year of my life to keep my friend close. Am I attempting to make this move alone to make a point? I don't know but I do need to see how sincere my friend is, and if they truly mean it then I will stay for a while.

I rebelled, its no secret, and now often I am forced to deal with the repercussions of it all. I knew that this would happen, even when I was doing the things that I was doing. I knew that there would be work involved and I knew that eventually there would be some fairly large consequences. I don't like them, not at all, I walk down the street and people know, especially in a small town like this. My family judges me because of my stance on religion, like I am to be perfect or something. I know that the things that I have done were/are wrong and I know that I am at fault and until a few months ago I wouldn't have wanted to own them. Now I can admit that I have screwed up and sometimes more than others and for right now this point that I was trying to prove has come back to haunt me.

How many Christians are out there just to prove a point? How many of us do what we do to show others that we can have fun too? Why do we do stupid things? And when asking these questions why do we say the things We do.

I read something that brought tears to my eyes. Eric wrote yesterday about an awful school year, more commonly referred to as the fall of 1998, a year that in many ways would be so much easier to forget about than to hold to. (www.ericbradley.com) It was a year marred by tragic deaths. First a very popular senior died in a car wreck, then my father in a car wreck, then a teach died after falling ill (no one really saw this one coming), last but certainly not least three former students died in a yet another car wreck in only sixty days. It made it very difficult to walk into a room with out wanting to cry but as time has gone on I believe that these things have made us stronger, even though there are times that even I struggle to see how. When I want to cry for no reason or I want to be mad at the world because I can be but that which doesn't kill us will ultimately make us strong? (or so they tell me).

I got to talk to a friend yesterday for a very long time and it was wonderful. Bethaney, my former roommate, and I spent over a hour on the phone yesterday, or perhaps it was Monday but it doesn't matter. I miss her she was a huge part of my life and to be real honest she is the reason that I am still here today. I never got to tell her how I feel and how much I appreciate her. She will be in the area on Friday and I am going to make sure that she knows how much she means to me and what a true impact she had on my life. You may not realize it when you are in college but often even the most seemed mismatched roommates end up being the best of friends. Bethaney was the brains of this outfit and the one who took logic to a whole new level so that I didn't freak out. We had our ups and downs, one down especially but we don't even talk about it anymore. She is happy to be home and care for her sisters youngest daughter who she hopes to adopt soon. She has a wonderful job that is exactly what she wants to do. I don't know I didn't think that I could live without her but as it turns out I can, it isn't always easy but I can, and I can still miss her and she her when she is close by but for now her short stop up here nearly an hour away will be the best I can do.

As of late

Lately I have been doing a whole lot of thinking. I want to move to Salt Lake in the morning and know that it isn't going to happen. I want out of here and the sooner the better especially with the mess that I have myself in right now. I just want to go somewhere where I can start over and not have to worry about making fools of of my whole family. Man I'm stressed out. I may write again later tonight but for now that is how it is.

Different

I know the title really leaves some questions about how I am feeling or where this in fact could be headed but I just feel different. I was up late last night sick and this gave me some more time to think which I really didn't need at the moment. Over analyzing is something that I have made an art form. I know that faith is what we are supposed to have but sometimes it just isn't that easy. Okay perhaps it should be but for me it isn't. I know that all of this is going to turn out fine, and this journey I call life will eventually find the correct path and I will be forced to be at peace about it all. So what do I do with all of the stuff that seems to be getting in the way.

I got a rather long lecture about how God gives you the desires of your heart but more and more I wonder. I want to be married, I want to start a family, I want a career, I want so much and I simply don't have it. I know that I must be in line with what God wants in my life but right now I have no idea what that is. I hope to sit down with my pastor's wife to have a talk here in the near future. I just need a semi impartial point of view. I have realized that the role of preachers wife can be very difficult and I think that I want to be one. I would love to be able to help my husband when he is working on his sermon, cleaning the church and leading young people to understand why the church does the things that it does and why sometimes it simply doesn't make sense. I want a preacher God am I worth, only you will tell me.

Last night was strange mom was at work when Kyle got home and he asked me to bring out a gun so that he could shoot a possum that eating the cat food in the garage. Once I got out there, there were in fact not one but two possums in the garage but this wasn't true either. So standing there with the gun, a pitchfork, and a flash light felling very redneck I waited for Kyle to come up with some kinda of plan to kill the possum that has been causing so many problems. As he started to rearrange the boards we were quick to discover that our two possums had quickly become three. My ears are still ringing, several shots were fired in the garage, not by me because I simply couldn't do it. Mom and Kyle took care of those ugly little animals and got rid of them which made a bunch a happy cats because now they can eat their own food and sleep in their house. But it did make for an eventful night.

So today I don't feel real great and have yet another doctors appointment so I am off for a while...I will let you all know how today goes.

Are you handicapped

So last nights message from Pastor Cox's was about the fact that in faith and in life we all are handicapped in some manner. We all have things that cause us to stumble and fall, we all have pain inside, and we all have to decided what we are going to do with these handicaps. There we a lot of analogies runners, golfers, horse races, just to name three plus several comments about the up coming election. Even though he said He couldn't tell us which was to vote, you know where he stands no big surprises there.

So as I sat in church nearly in tears because my emotions are spinning out of control, which I am not a big fan of because when they do, I have to fight everything in me to get them back to where they need to be. I cried at church last night, I don't like to cry, it makes me feel weak, but last night for some strange reason it felt okay, sorta. I just sat there thinking about the fact that many of the handicaps I bring to the table are simply my own doing and they didn't have to be there but I also don't know what it is like to live beyond this self destructive state. That is exactly what this is, self destructive, I seem to forget that everything I do is being watched and who I am is to be a testimony, and I slow start to eat at, pick at, and ultimately mutilate what I am more than likely to become because I am set on this path of self destruction. Wow that was a huge revelation for me but now I am not sure what to do with it. I will be pondering on that while I am at work today.

Yesterday we had an inpomtu party for my grandpa because it was his birthday, well actually today is but yesterday was the only day that some of us could get together and tell him that we appreciated him.

The best part of yesterday by a landslide goes to the fact the Spite family was here in the morning and I got to see Jadyn (Chana's baby) and she is so cute and really has started to develop a bit of personality. She has grown so much in the five weeks that I didn't get to see her and I am sure by the time I get back to Cookville she will be even bigger than she is now, mainly because babies tend to grow and fast and I won't get back down there for a few more weeks. Chana didn't get to come with the family because she got a promotion and had to work and I am sorry that I didn't get to see her but we can talk on the phone and stuff and be okay. Paul is doing well at his new job and Sally seems to be doing alright with her new role of babysitter and grandma. I can't image what it is like to get up in the morning and look at Jadyn because to me she is so very beautiful. I miss them so much and really wish that they would just move back to Indiana but I don't really think that is going to happen.

So as I go to the doctors because I have to work this afternoon, I am forced to remember that we all have handicaps and it is just a matter of what we do with them. So what is your handicap?

Sleep

A common theme for this weekend amongst many of my friends has been sleep. Eric is having his first weekend without having to work thirds and got to sleep. (www.ericbradley.com) Staci got a chance to sleep in for the first time in a very long time. (http://staci_iwu.blogspot.com) But still here I sit severely sleep deprived and for no other reason than the fact that I simply don't enough of it. I stay up late...oh well...I get up early but again oh well and yet there are times I wonder why.

I spent some time with Tonya yesterday and it is good to see that over all she is doing well. I can't wait for them to get their new house and have space to call their own again. Madison (Tonya and Joe's baby) has gotten so big I can't hardly believe it. Wow. Alley is growing too and it is nice to hang out with adults that can admit that they don't have their lives in order but they are okay with that because they know it is simply a transition time.

Yesterday was a rough day for me, a huge piece of my past spent the night here which made things a bit strange for me and then in the midst's of all of that Bryan called me. Now first let me explain Bryan. I have known Bryan for a long time, almost as long as I have known Eric but we never really spent much time together, except when Eric and I were dating. He called last night just like we were old friends and we talked for an hour and a half which was nice but very random. I sat up part of the night thinking about how strange it was to hear from him. We talked about everything, literally, he is a very talkative person, which he always has been but I can also see how there would be times that I wouldn't particularly want to spend over an hour on the phone with him. We talked about his ex girlfriends, drinking, work, and just about everything else under the sun. I sat outside and froze while we talked because I don't get such great reception in the house and besides that the unwanted company wasn't making things any better. It was good to hear from him like I said, it is nice to know that although I wanted to kill him in high school he is okay and over all a fairly tolerable person.

My life has been eventful at best over the last couple of weeks. Wow things are changing. I still have a dream of being with the person that means so much to me but I am now more than ever certain that it isn't going to happen. I hope to take some time to walk and drink a lot of coffee this evening possibly even try to figure all this stuff we call life out. People with plans clearly have no idea what it is like to live with the mercy of God with you. You have to go where He wants you or you will simply be miserable forever. Now I have to go but I have so much more to write. I am not even sure where to begin.

This Sucks

Okay first of all forgive the title. But that is how I am feeling as I sit here. The whole world is spinning out of control, okay again perhaps not the whole world but a large piece of it...My piece. What the crap am I doing how did I manage to find myself here. I don't get it. Not everyday in my life is this dramatic but these last few have been and the next few will be I am sure.

I went to Fort Wayne and saw an old friend who just had her baby on my birthday and she is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. She looks like her dad Gregg but is perfect and quite and sweet and it kinda makes me want one sooner and sooner. I think I am ready to start to think about a family, but first to find the husband part...Wow that is going to take some serious work. Bridget and Gregg named their perfect little girl Abigail and to see the two of them so happy makes me ever happier, but it also makes me realize that I am not in that place even though I so desperately want to be.

Sitting there holding the baby for hours, yes its true, hours I felt like all was right in the world for them. And I long for the day that I will sit and hold my baby, crying or not, sleeping or awake, then for days where my husband and I can take long walks with children. Going hiking and wondering around a city, talking about God and how He is the reason we have such precious children. Now lets be honest, my children will more than likely have red hair and be forced to deal with sunburn nearly their entire lives because of my pale skin and tendencies to get sunburned, unless who ever I marry has good skin. I am not opposed to marrying a red hair, actually I am drawn to them. I have had red hair my whole life even though I change what color red it is every so often it is still red and there isn't a darn thing I can do about it.

So to explain the title of today's little blurb. I woke up sick...Really sick both physically and spiritually because I don't like to listen to what God is saying to me and even more so I don't like to act on it, because I want to do my own thing. There are so many very final choices that I have to make and I don't want to and I feel like God is simply setting up there waiting to see if I can manage to keep this one on the map or if I am going to mess it up like I have so many times before, on that same note He already knows what I am going to do and that really gets to me. What if I do the 'right' thing but it is still wrong. What if I do the 'wrong' thing and it turns out to be right. No wonder I am frustrated all I seem to do lately is think, which is very dangerous because I don't act on things that I am thinking on because I am often afraid that I will hurt those around me or even me instead of putting a bit a faith behind the things that I do. So it is ultimately my fault if I don't put myself out there and give myself a chance.

The only thing that stays the same is everything changes, now how do we all handle the change is a completely different thing. What do we do with our broken hearts, cast them aside, easier said than done. How do we deal with the evolving Christian faith? Hard to say, there are some corner stones that can not be shaken or moved but what about some of the other ideals that modern Christianity still holds do we simply hold on to them because it is what we are taught to do. In a rapidly changing world we need to be Strong but how do we do that and push the whole world away from what light they have, us?

Diane Comte and I 

Reality

I know that I often wish that reality wasn't real because then it would be so much simpler to live outside the consequences of my actions, thoughts, ideals, or whatever else I tend to let myself hold back with. There are so many different issues that are running around in my brain right now that it is simply impossible to put them all together into something that seems to flow logically. Have you ever tried to rearrange a deck of cards and didn't have them all in your hand. That is how I am currently feeling.

Life has decided to show me that some/many of the choices that I have made were stupid at best. What do I do with my own stupidity? I could so easily pretend that it hasn't happened and move on outside of it. Not being forced to dwell on the things that I have done. That seems to be to be the easiest road out. But then I think about something I told, you guessed it Eric, a few weeks ago..."Just because it is easy doesn't make it right." The ideas running around my head are all over the map. You know how it gets when you are thinking about one option then suddenly a second or third pops into your head and you are forced to consider it before you can even act on the first one.

Now it is a big fat what the heck do I do? For those who know what is going on it isn't as simple as just making a choice...I have to take each choice and weigh the consequences of that choice one at a time. If...Then if you will. If I choose A what will be B. If I choose B what will be C and so on. So now I sit here thinking about what if A then what about B. I don't know to be truly honest and I don' t think I will at all for the next few weeks. If I make the logical choice then what do I do with the stupidity of it. If I make the hard choice what I do I do with the ramifications of it. All these questions not one answer, talk about being stressed out. What about who I will become even further in the future? Each choice I make will affect how the rest of my path will unfold before me. Which twists and turns am I willing to deal with? How will those who will be affected the most deal with all of the ramifications that come with the choices I make. I know that there are so many different things that will be affected as time goes on. I just don't know what they will be.

Choices....Choices....Choices....what to do with what I have. HMMMM.....

So many thoughts

As I woke up this morning I got on a familiar web site to see how one of my friends was doing only to discover that he is in fact in nearly the same place I am. Trying to get revenge on God for the things that are going on in his life. Wanting but not wanting to become what God has placed before him. Perhaps revenge isn't the right word but trying to himself aligned with God for what the future holds, which can often prove more troublesome than ever thought possible. I am ready to go to Salt Lake and this is a choice that I've made that I am 98% positive about but now to get there.

We often put up these road blocks with God, because ultimately we don't want Him to be right. As I look forward it is hard for me think things through clearly. The other night I had a long conversion with Eric, which we have several times a week but here lately have started to trail off. There was a time that I didn't really talk to him at all but here lately there is something about him that continues to pull me to want to be closer to him, frankly I'm not sure what. I have always considered him a great friend even when we didn't talk but there is something different about our friendship now and I simply can't put my finger on it. We were talking about the city of Salt Lake and how much we both love it there and the options that are available when it comes to moving there.

He wants to go to seminary there if it is at all possible. We are talking about going out there in March for a 'Spring Break' of sorts. I don't get spring break anymore but he does and spending six days in the city trying to get everything in order. He posed an interesting question that I have spent hours thinking about and perhaps I shouldn't have but 'what would our relationship be if we moved to Salt Lake together?' I honestly didn't know the answer to this question, yes we have dated, yes I still like him, yes I love him (there has never been a question there) but to me he is one of my best friends that I can be completely honest with and not worry about the consequences, that would follow. So as I read about his battle to work to figure out where he is going and letting thing go to God I sit heart broken for him and want him to be nothing but happy. How do you align yourself with the Creator and still hold on to thing of the past, the answer is simple you can't which is often more painful than the past, letting go of the past.

I know that we all have days where things don't go like we think they should, I have them often. Yesterday was one of them. I don't take 'praise' well and don't like hear that I am a good person or that I am worthy of having people look to me for a role model. Look at the things that I have done in my life, I think if you simply knew the things that I have done you would never want your children to look at me like that. If you knew the mistakes I've made, if you knew how much I've screwed up my own life then you would walk away, Wouldn't you? Would the whole Christian community turn there back on me if they simply the knew who I really was? I am afraid the real answer is yes, perhaps not the whole community but many of them would. That isn't right either, a person needs to be accepted where they are, at the point of their needs.

So even with all of the mistakes that I've made I am forced to question my own priorities and my stance in the world. I have turned people away because of the things that they have done, that are no worse than the things that I have done. So I am not worthy, yet the people that I hold up and hold dear aren't either, and I never really thought about it. To quote a really great girl I just need to turn away from picking at myself and change things. AHHH! You know who you are. I think I a may give that one a shot see what happens and move on from here.

Now the challenge has become to not being sucked backed into the pattern.

Those days

You know its been one of 'those' days. The ones that you hope you can forget as quickly as it comes. I am tired and stress out so oh well...

Deep Inside

Every so often in your life you are forced to look as deep as you can to see if who you have become is in fact who you want to be and as I have discussed it with several people the answer is all to often NO! Not quite what I was expecting when I was talking with a friend today.

There were several moments of silance as I talked through some of the rather stupid things I have done over the past few months and how I am sure that I have lost my best friend forever. Elaina moved away and I never told her how much she really ment to me. My whole world is changing and I am nothing but a passenger in my own life...figure that our I always thought I would be the driver.

Crying

I hate to cry, I feel overly venerable when I do but today I balled and balled having such an emotional roller coaster day that I didn't know what to do with it.

I don't like not being in complete control, I don't like not knowing my future, and most of all I don't like who I have become. It all came rushing to me...As of this moment I hate who I am.

Everything Changes

I sit here today nearly in tears, to be honest I have cried several times already and have tried to get my emotions under control. My best friend in the world, Elaina, left today to move to Tennessee for good. I can't believe how much I am going to miss her and she only left a few short hours ago. I know that this is where she is to go but it seems so different when you sit and think about the fact that this part of her life is now over and she is going to be moving on without many of us. Her wedding is still nearly six months away but her time here in good old Warsaw is done. It makes me want to cry again, because there will be no more late night talks, pointless drives, or Mexican Wednesdays, which had all become a large part of our lives.

I know that I have little room to talk as I start to align myself to start my life in a different part of the country as well but it just makes everything I am planning seem so much more real that it ever did before. I don't know 100% what the future holds but I sure wish I did, but I do know that change is the only thing that seems to stay the same in my life.

I am wondering what in the world is going on in my world, I am sure that I am leaving, as I have said several times before but everything seems to be getting more and more complicated as I proceed toward this ultimate goal. I wanted to be there by the end of the month but it is now clear to me that this will simply not happen. I am not however giving up on the changes that are about to take place in my own life. There is no reason to think that I can't be there by the first of the year but who knows, maybe it will be longer. Remember the comment out the fact that the person I love would have to make the first move in order for me to remain interested, well, I am forced to think that perhaps it has happened and now I don't know what to do with that either. If this is in fact what both of us want will I wait to move till he can come with me??? I don't really know, or perhaps in the next few weeks I will realize that this is not in fact what I want in a relationship or in a move.

I am forced to be in half a state of panic because of all the questions that are running around in my head. There are moments when I want to cry, scream, laugh uncontrollable at the humor of it all, or beat my head against the wall as I try to gather everything into easily controllable compartments in my brain. So as I reorganize I am forced to spend a lot of time on my knees to see what is going to happen. So Here I go..Putting it all together.

Moments

There are moments that you have when you alone that make you rethink everything that you are doing. I want to make these next few weeks go as smoothly as possible and the harder I try to get everything rolling the more I am forced to question what on earth I am doing. Sight

Painful

I went back to my high school this evening and I noticed two things.

One we have a winning foot ball team what in the world happened there. Hard to say really but I was quick to realize that it has been five seasons since I was in regular attendance.

Two the marching band is horrible to say the least and couldn't even bring myself to watch. It was painful to say the least.

So tonight I am glad to not be in high school, not that I would ever want to go back to that stage in my life but wow what a great reminder.

Bummy Days

Today is a bummy day to say the least. I am not sure that bummy is a word, but it is the best way to describe my actions today. Today I woke up late because I didn't have to work, which is nice, but I have a massive list of things that need to be done including but not limited to: go to post office, dry cleaners, bank, get pay check, today is Kyle's senior night so my evening is booked, trip to wal-mart, do laundry, dishes, and about a half million other things.

As I stated I woke late which didn't bother me one bit, but ohh well and to be truly honest I haven't gotten anything done except a couple loads of laundry and I started loading the dishwasher and I feel like I have done plenty at the moment but still need to run all the other errands on my list.

I have been wondering around the house for hours in flannel pants and a tank top and flip flops, boy talk about over doing the bummy look. I straightened my hair this morning and now I think it looks kinda funny but again ohhh well I'm not trying to impress anyone today. I do need to get slightly more motivated so that I can go into town but my current look is simply not acceptable for going into town.

Bummy days are often the best thinking days which I have noticed I've been doing a whole lot of lately. What do I do? Where do I go? How on earth do I plan on getting there? How do express myself without getting hurt in the long run? All questions that I have built up inside right now. I read about happy days that my friends have had and it is wonderful to know that they are doing so well. Eric met an author that the was excited about and just to read the enlightening words he had to write about how he could hold onto faith and still be open minded about the ideals that others hold was riveting to me. (www.ericbradley.com) I spent most of last night driving around in circles just looking at this place that I have for long called home and was forced to wonder what will become of this place in my heart over the next year and the years to follow.

When it comes to love, yes I am still in love but have decided to give up on the person that I am in love with and start looking other places. I love him and if he decides that he wants me in his life he will in fact have to make the next move. I know that I have never mentioned who I am in love with but I am fairly certain that those of you who read this, who need to know, know who it is and the rest of you will be forced to wonder for many months to come or until something happens. I am also sure that the person I am in love with is well aware of who they are, although I don't know if he even knows this site is out here. So as I have made this choice to start a life without the person that I could so easily see myself spending the rest of my life with I am forced to look back and smile, realizing that whatever we had is gone and what we may have in the future is clearly a ways off and if we both find someone else along the way then that is a choice that we will both have to deal with.

So while I am still dressed like a bum trying to get things around and get some stuff done here I am forced to think about everything that might be or might not be happening in my life and trying to remember that God is always in control. What is to happen will happen and what isn't won't. And in conclusion here goes nothing lets see what the next few weeks have to offer.