Plans

My days here are numbered in more ways than one.

I need to take time to listen to God and figure out what I am going to do about all of this stuff I call life. I am increasingly afraid that what I feel is right is in fact not. I know God has a plan for me and that it is clear cut. It never ceases to amaze me that He knows the beginning from the ended every time. He knew that I would be sitting here trying to make these choices and He knew that I would start to hesitate. I wish I knew only a fraction of what He knows. I simply want to know what my life has in store for me in next weeks.

I had planned on being gone already. I had planned on being married now. I had planned to have a career set before me. I had planned to clear up all my messes. I had all these life plans that now don't mean anything. I was sure when I was making them that it was what God wanted for me and that it would be okay. Now as I sit in the face of these plans I am forced to question my motives and why I want this so bad. I want to be happy, and I am sure that, it can not happen here. I want to be successful, again not here. I knew what my future held and then I let it go. My plans were so clear cut before God either I did or I didn't and I didn't think about everything else going on around me. It was all about me and no one else now it is all about God and what He wants in my life and I don't like it.

Lately I have been at doctors offices all the time, because sometimes God wants to remind us that the choices we make have consequences and we have to face them. We know that they are there but often we are sure that even though the choices we make are wrong and sinful God will still protect us from what could happen. I have seen so many of my friends make huge mistakes and I have thought if only they hadn't done that then they wouldn't be in that much trouble but now I look back and God must have had an angel around me because there are so many times that I should have been completely broken and destroyed by the choices I have made and yet I wasn't.

I always planned on not having children and now I have this huge desire to have children of my own. I want to be a mom and be a good wife, and more and more I want these things to start to fall into place soon. I don't know when but soon. I have started having dreams about my children (yes that's right there are more than one of them) and the way they play and run. In one dream even call them by name which is very strange because I have never really thought about naming my children because until recently I had no desire to have any. There are four in all, three boys and one girl, and I can see that being who I am, a mom. Paul, clearly the oldest, Mark, and James, and the youngest Elizabeth, I've never picked out these names but the more I think about them the happier I get. I never thought that these dreams would make me weep for what I so desperately want and yet currently am nowhere near having. The thing about these dreams is that I never see my husbands face or hear his voice but he is always there.

I have had all these plans for so long and now I don't know what to do with them as they appear to be overridden by someone much more powerful than me. I know now that I can't set the future into motion it has already been done but I can sure try to stay on the path that will take me there more easily. I know that it isn't going to be easy to do but want to do it right. I want to make this a smooth as it can be. Does that mean I give up all of my hopes and dreams, it may very well mean just that but for right now I want this more and more. I want my plans to be God's plans and not my own. Who knows maybe it will all turn out just liked I have dreamed and the person I've been searching for so desperately is right in front of me this whole time.

I guess only time will tell. Six weeks and counting till the big day, that is if it stays on my plan list. I sure hope it does I'm really looking forward to it.