Last night was a long night because of a conversation that took place between Eric and I, no surprise there I'm sure. We talked about several things but the bulk of the conversion was around wanting to marry our best friends. I know that I could marry the guy I consider my best friend what is slightly stranger is that I don't even think he knows that it is him. Who is to say that it couldn't happen soon. Who is to say that it won't. So stress was also a big conversion last night, just being frustrated and upset about it all, sometimes life really gets to you and when you are thinking about the past it is easy to get sucked back into that pattern. He doesn't judge me and I love that about him.
I cried and it didn't even bother me. I mean usually it would have but not last night. We talked about the idea of marrying our best friend and short blurb about "When Harry Met Sally" because it seemed to fit and I realize last night more than ever that I want to marry one of my best friends. I even know which one but is he interested in me the same way I am in him? I don't know, perhaps not right now. Do I wait until I think it won't kill our friendship and then see if the feelings I have can be returned? Crap I don't know.
I miss him, I know him, I love him, more than likely more than he even realizes. I miss him, I miss his dorky smile, awkward silence, arm around me, long walks, I just miss him and everything that he is and everything that he does. I know him, not as well as I would like but I know that he and I are so much alike that it isn't reasonable. We both fight God on what appears to obvious and I have tried to save something that ultimately wasn't there and it hurts, so to read about or hear about him struggling makes me very sad and I have on occasion cried for him, I've been hurt by those I care about and I know that even though there are moments that when I am going to fail and I just have to try to keep those moments from destroying me. He doesn't judge what I have done and he knows who I am isn't who I will ultimately be who I become. I love him, more than he may ever know, and why, I have asked myself this many many times and it is because of all of the reasons that I miss him. I fell comfortable with him I don't have to worry about being judged for the stupid things that I have done and I can for the first time in my life time I can be completely honest with someone and I think he still loves me regardless.
So as I set out for my day I am thinking again. Dangerous territory I am aware. Oh well maybe today is the day I do the one thing that I am scared of most. Complete and total honesty.
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