So many thoughts

As I woke up this morning I got on a familiar web site to see how one of my friends was doing only to discover that he is in fact in nearly the same place I am. Trying to get revenge on God for the things that are going on in his life. Wanting but not wanting to become what God has placed before him. Perhaps revenge isn't the right word but trying to himself aligned with God for what the future holds, which can often prove more troublesome than ever thought possible. I am ready to go to Salt Lake and this is a choice that I've made that I am 98% positive about but now to get there.

We often put up these road blocks with God, because ultimately we don't want Him to be right. As I look forward it is hard for me think things through clearly. The other night I had a long conversion with Eric, which we have several times a week but here lately have started to trail off. There was a time that I didn't really talk to him at all but here lately there is something about him that continues to pull me to want to be closer to him, frankly I'm not sure what. I have always considered him a great friend even when we didn't talk but there is something different about our friendship now and I simply can't put my finger on it. We were talking about the city of Salt Lake and how much we both love it there and the options that are available when it comes to moving there.

He wants to go to seminary there if it is at all possible. We are talking about going out there in March for a 'Spring Break' of sorts. I don't get spring break anymore but he does and spending six days in the city trying to get everything in order. He posed an interesting question that I have spent hours thinking about and perhaps I shouldn't have but 'what would our relationship be if we moved to Salt Lake together?' I honestly didn't know the answer to this question, yes we have dated, yes I still like him, yes I love him (there has never been a question there) but to me he is one of my best friends that I can be completely honest with and not worry about the consequences, that would follow. So as I read about his battle to work to figure out where he is going and letting thing go to God I sit heart broken for him and want him to be nothing but happy. How do you align yourself with the Creator and still hold on to thing of the past, the answer is simple you can't which is often more painful than the past, letting go of the past.

I know that we all have days where things don't go like we think they should, I have them often. Yesterday was one of them. I don't take 'praise' well and don't like hear that I am a good person or that I am worthy of having people look to me for a role model. Look at the things that I have done in my life, I think if you simply knew the things that I have done you would never want your children to look at me like that. If you knew the mistakes I've made, if you knew how much I've screwed up my own life then you would walk away, Wouldn't you? Would the whole Christian community turn there back on me if they simply the knew who I really was? I am afraid the real answer is yes, perhaps not the whole community but many of them would. That isn't right either, a person needs to be accepted where they are, at the point of their needs.

So even with all of the mistakes that I've made I am forced to question my own priorities and my stance in the world. I have turned people away because of the things that they have done, that are no worse than the things that I have done. So I am not worthy, yet the people that I hold up and hold dear aren't either, and I never really thought about it. To quote a really great girl I just need to turn away from picking at myself and change things. AHHH! You know who you are. I think I a may give that one a shot see what happens and move on from here.

Now the challenge has become to not being sucked backed into the pattern.