This Sucks

Okay first of all forgive the title. But that is how I am feeling as I sit here. The whole world is spinning out of control, okay again perhaps not the whole world but a large piece of it...My piece. What the crap am I doing how did I manage to find myself here. I don't get it. Not everyday in my life is this dramatic but these last few have been and the next few will be I am sure.

I went to Fort Wayne and saw an old friend who just had her baby on my birthday and she is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. She looks like her dad Gregg but is perfect and quite and sweet and it kinda makes me want one sooner and sooner. I think I am ready to start to think about a family, but first to find the husband part...Wow that is going to take some serious work. Bridget and Gregg named their perfect little girl Abigail and to see the two of them so happy makes me ever happier, but it also makes me realize that I am not in that place even though I so desperately want to be.

Sitting there holding the baby for hours, yes its true, hours I felt like all was right in the world for them. And I long for the day that I will sit and hold my baby, crying or not, sleeping or awake, then for days where my husband and I can take long walks with children. Going hiking and wondering around a city, talking about God and how He is the reason we have such precious children. Now lets be honest, my children will more than likely have red hair and be forced to deal with sunburn nearly their entire lives because of my pale skin and tendencies to get sunburned, unless who ever I marry has good skin. I am not opposed to marrying a red hair, actually I am drawn to them. I have had red hair my whole life even though I change what color red it is every so often it is still red and there isn't a darn thing I can do about it.

So to explain the title of today's little blurb. I woke up sick...Really sick both physically and spiritually because I don't like to listen to what God is saying to me and even more so I don't like to act on it, because I want to do my own thing. There are so many very final choices that I have to make and I don't want to and I feel like God is simply setting up there waiting to see if I can manage to keep this one on the map or if I am going to mess it up like I have so many times before, on that same note He already knows what I am going to do and that really gets to me. What if I do the 'right' thing but it is still wrong. What if I do the 'wrong' thing and it turns out to be right. No wonder I am frustrated all I seem to do lately is think, which is very dangerous because I don't act on things that I am thinking on because I am often afraid that I will hurt those around me or even me instead of putting a bit a faith behind the things that I do. So it is ultimately my fault if I don't put myself out there and give myself a chance.

The only thing that stays the same is everything changes, now how do we all handle the change is a completely different thing. What do we do with our broken hearts, cast them aside, easier said than done. How do we deal with the evolving Christian faith? Hard to say, there are some corner stones that can not be shaken or moved but what about some of the other ideals that modern Christianity still holds do we simply hold on to them because it is what we are taught to do. In a rapidly changing world we need to be Strong but how do we do that and push the whole world away from what light they have, us?