A new prospective

Today I went to see a friend who's wife is the hospital again which doesn't make it easy for anyone, yet they have no insurance, and no real reasoning for what is going on in their lives but they have amazing peace. Jennifer Morse today had her entire large intestine taken out of her body in an attempt to ease some of the pain that she is currently facing.

My week hasn't been so great yet I am overall healthy. I am not laying in a hospital bed waiting to hear what has been wrong for me, and I wonder why someone with such strong faith has fallen ill whereas a person like me who is full of doubt is generally healthy. God never ceases to amaze me.

A great day

Today was a day that took me back to the way things used to be. I spent the day in Indianapolis with my old college roommate and our best friend. I will write more about it sometime tomorrow. Good night, now I sleep.

There are nights

Last night was rough, I struggled to sleep. I hope to be okay.

Christmas #24

This was my 24th Christmas ever. It is hard to think that I am 23 now and have been around for so long.

Christmas Eve was spent with my dads parents which I always a rough experience for me because we have so many different points of view when it comes to life and how it should be lived. We left their house after 1130 and they are now headed back to their home in Florida which they are really looking forward to because of the recent wave of less than desirable temperatures and snow here. I can tell that I have gotten older because now I want practical gifts over things that would be more 'fun.' Can opener, mixer, toaster and other misc. Kitchen supplies were the majority of my gifts from them. I also got a couple of DVD's that I had requested which will be nice when I have free time again.

Christmas day was good, I slept and opened gifts at home which I had purchased all of myself except one so it was nice to have one gift that I didn't know that I had. Then the day at my mom's parents where I got gift cards, luggage set and crock pot, all things that are practical as well. I got to spend quite a bit of time with my cousin Lexy, which I loved and she makes me smile. She doesn't want me to leave which doesn't make make it any easier for me.

For the next few days I will be at my aunt and uncles house babysitting their dog, Misty. It will be a nice break from all the crap.

Christmas With Family

Wow today was a long day and only a few people who read this will understand the fact that there are times when my family never ceases to amaze me. I will right more tomorrow.

Time

Time is shorter today than it has been on other days. It is the first day of winter and the weather shows it quite nicely.

So cold

As the weather in northern Indiana changes it is hard to Ignore that fact that going outside is a 10 plus minute endeavor in an attempt to not freeze to death. It is bitter cold as it often gets this time of year here. So I am shivering and cold and out right grouchy. I will write later. Have a good night.

Sigh

Yesterday was one of those days where you think....what on earth am I doing.

The Saturday before Christmas and here I sat waiting to get into mall so that I could purchase a last minute gift for my aunt could give it to here grandson. It was a long wait to find a parking space and not even a good one at that. I walked through the lot to the mall doors only to walk into more craziness which made for a long walk around to the store that I needed to go to so that I could make this purchase. I did find the gift that she desired for him and then decided to look around since I was already in the mall to see if there was anything else that I thought we could use for those that we still don't have gifts for. I was unsuccessful in finding anything to add to our Christmas collection. I did however sit and watch people for a while just to blow off some steam.

I watched as the walked by with no smiles on their faces and the look of last minute panic on their faces. The coldness of the each person as they ran from store to store it made me wonder if they even know why this season exists. Jesus was born, or at least that is what we celebrate on December 25, so that He could die for the fallen man which isn't easy to swallow when you really thinking about it. I wonder how much pain I cause God when I do the things that I do and how much it must hurt Him because I simply continue to do so. There are times that I sin and don't think anything about it till later but more often than no I know what I am doing wrong and simply don't care or choose to care about what I am doing.

As I look toward this Christmas there are many things to be thankful for including the fact that I am moving in six months and I am excited and can't wait to get this started. I have a wonderful cousin that I care the world about and am so blessed to finally get a chance to get to know. I have always known that she is a great girl but now I know it for sure and I love her more than I think that she even knows. I have some wonderful friends that mean the world to me and I can't imagine my life without them. I have a great church and it will be hard to leave it when it is all said and done, even when their are times that I can't wait to leave all of the gossip, I know that they love me there and yet my seat will be filled with someone else quickly once I leave. I have found the love of my life and I know it for sure yet I know that he will not be one I marry which is even harder to swallow right now (this could change but only time will tell on both our parts). I have a family that drives me crazy to say the least yet no matter what I do I am stuck with them forever. I am thankful that I know Christ and I know what He did for me and although I have hurt Him on countless occasions He is still my God and He gives me grace a mercy even though I don't deserve it.

So as I look toward this holiday I have to remember that this is it for me here in Indiana unless something huge were to change in the next six months, yet knowing the God I know this could happen because He has one funny sense of humor about things like that.

Drained

I am sure that in the next few days I will have a 'real' update for this thing but it will not be tonight.

No idea where to start

Today was horrible and I don't even know where to start. I am tired and getting to the point where I get mean...perhaps this will be a better topic for Friday.

Bryan

There are many ways to describe Bryan but for those who know him the best way to do it is that he is just Bryan...

Tonight I talked to Bryan for nearly two hours and it was funny and great and I hope this relationship works out like he deserves it too. He loves that girl and for that I am happy yet she seems set on playing games with his heart and it hurts me to see that.

We talked about everything...literally. Even things that I won't come close to talking about on here. We laughed, he drank which is fine with me. There many subjects covered including his fathers illness and how he really wants to have a sense of humor about it all. There are going to be times over this next year that it is going to hurt more than he can stand and I want to be there for him and help him through this transition.

I miss his completely inappropriate jokes and off color comments about just about anything that he can come up with yet it makes for some good laughs in the long run. If you would have told me once I graduated high school that I would have any contact with Bryan I would have laughed because we spent most of the time together trying to avoid each other. Still now he has really grown up and I can appreciate him for who he is trying to become.

Wow Bryan has made some good memories over the last few months if only he knew. Laughing, crying, and just talking which has been wonderful. I can't wait to talk to him again.

A change of heart

Today was a rough day for me. As of late I have fallen quite ill and have had to deal with a lot of 'stuff' that I have had pinned up inside. I know that there are going to be days, weeks, and even months that do not go as smoothly as we would hope.

I have let go of all of my dreams and given them to God. For years now I have had a picture perfect idea of how things were supposed to play out and as time goes on I am finally starting to realize that, those things that I had set out for myself are not always what God wants. Just because God doesn't answer doesn't mean He don't care, has been a line that has played over and over again in my head.

Today I sat alone for a very long while as per my own request. I am in love with everything and that is harder to deal with than I ever thought possible. I am in love with a person who doesn't love me and although I have tried to get over him or get past it, it has not come easy. I have thought of several different ways to get over what all has happened over the last few months, including going back to a guy that I dated semi-long-term while I was in college. I know that he loves me, he tells me every time he calls to see how I am doing, yet I also know that our choice to call the relationship off was the right one for the two of us. I still long for that relationship, to be held, hugged, kissed, and told that I am beautiful and I don't have it. I wonder where the next few months will take me as far as relationships are considered but I know that it will be okay no matter what now.

As I stare a move straight in the eyes it has not gotten any easier to deal with, yet I will deal with it and I will make it. I know that there is still time to change my mind but in many ways I feel like I would be a disappointment if I chose to do so. I do not want to disappoint the family and my friends yet if the right person or job would come my way then I would give it all up to follow suit. I would change my 'life plan' in order to fall in love and I may go forward with it if I don't find love here. There is so much more to say but it will have to wait for a later time.

Christmas

So Christmas is quickly approaching and many are setting their way out for their breaks from school, but I don't get to do that anymore. I haven't felt real great here lately so I am off to bed.

Random

Life is random at best.

You do stuff all the time but then you realize that it is life and it makes stuff seem so strange.

When the time comes

"When the time comes to move on it will be harder than you ever thought possible Julia. There will still be tears and there will be heartache and it will never be easy but some days will be better than others and it will ultimately okay. It will be okay I promise and no matter what you will always have me. Good-bye, Julia, I will always remember your friendship and I love you."

These are words that I heard today as a long time friendship left my life for a long time. There are times that it is hard to realize that I am in fact 23 years old now and that I have to take a different paths than those who I have known for so long. As one of best friends left it was hard to sit and face it. Many of the people that I consider friends are now married or soon will be and that is hard when I sit here as single as I ever have been and don't even have a real prospect on a relationship. I have looked for love in all of the wrong ways and that hurts to every time that it doesn't work out.

I don't think that we are no longer friends and I don't think that we have left each others lives forever yet it hurts to see my friends move on with their lives and here I sit stagnant. Still living with my mom which is a disgrace to everyone around me. I have people who look up to me and consider me a role model who see that once I went to school I came home and did nothing with my life and still need to accomplish things. I have made new friends along the way one being Alan, who I go to school with now. We met when I was in Salt Lake one time it was great, he is the only face that I have to go along with my current degree endeavors. Some day there will be many other faces to go along with his but until then it is what I have.

It is hard to see where I am going to end up or exactly how I get there and there will be many more 'new' friends along the way and possibly reconnecting with some old ones as time goes on but until then I will sit here and wait to see what is going to happen in the future. So I end this post just like I started it:

"When the time comes to move on it will be harder than you ever thought possible Julia. There will still be tears and there will be heartache and it will never be easy but some days will be better than others and it will ultimately okay. It will be okay I promise and no matter what you will always have me. Good-bye, Julia, I will always remember your friendship and I love you."

Its gonna snow

At work today you would think that it was the first time that people living in northern Indiana were going to have to deal with a snow storm. That's right its going to snow but there is no reason to freak out. There will be groceries when the roads get plowed and as long as you slow down you will be able to come get them. We are open 24 hours a day until Christmas Eve when we close at 6pm but we reopen promptly at 6 am on the 26th so it is not the end of the world.

Wow some people never stop amazing me.

Today, that's all I have to say

Today was a lazy day in my world and since they don't come around so often I took full advantage of it. I slept in late, until 10 am which made the rest of my day seem very short to say the least. I laid around and read for a while and thought about things that I really needed to think about. Went to church and taught my 3, 6-9 year-olds that showed up and came home. It was wonderful and I can honestly say that I didn't really do an darn thing.

I have taken steps to be more open with people around me and it has not come easily for me. To show them what I am really feeling instead of what I want them to think that I am feeling. It is so much easier to simply hide behind what I think they want to see rather than be emotional and honest with them.

Excitement has started to overcome me as I look toward the future and what it has to offer me. There is no way to completely express the joy that I have. I am ready and I am sure and that is harder than I ever thought it would be. When you are sure there seem to be little insignificant things that keep you held back even when you so desperately want to move forward. There are a million reasons to be happy and yet often we find the one reason to be sad. For me that reason is that I will be leaving so much here that I want so desperately to hold onto. Even with all the junk that goes on around here it is still home and no matter if I like it or not these people are still my family, even with all the flaws.

The hardest thing for me to leave here will be my best friend Eric and my church. Eric will be hard because he has no idea how I really feel about him and I have no intentions of telling him. I wish I had the courage to do so but there seems to be so much holding me back. I talk to his best friend often about this mystery person and I am fairly certain that Bryan knows exactly who I am talking about but doesn't want to say anything. To me it is so clear that it could be a wonderful thing but I don't know if I have the courage to cross the bridge. My church although I often get frustrated or upset with the things that go on there it is still my church and there isn't anything that I can do about it. I know that there are many other churches out there but there aren't any that are going to be just like this one and I am sure that it will always hold a very special place in my heart.

So now I continue my journey forward and it is still a one step at a time process that will take several months now to complete.

Laughing

Last night I laughed and it was wonderful to just chat and crack up. We laughed over memories and stupid things that would never happen but it was wonderful. I have so much to say but not enough time to say it.

Today was my cousin Lexy's 10th birthday and it was nice to see her. I love that little girl and I love her brother too and wish I could see them more. Well it is late. Have a good night. A longer post to come.

There are days that it is just that easy

Just after midnight my phone rang and of course since I was up I answered it. And much to my surprise it was my roommate from college. We talked well into the morning hours and I enjoyed all of it. I will write more about it later. Have a great night

OH NO

Have you ever been sitting in the car driving down the road when you suddenly remember all the things that you needed to complete and now you have no time to actually get them done...that is where I am. More to follow.

Finding the words

There are so many times that I have so much to say but have no way to express it in written form. I fear that tonight may be one of those nights.

I have put myself out there and it hurts to know that now I must be the one who is waiting and understanding no matter what the end result may be. Today I have been all over the map emotionally. I could blame it on any number of things but I won't. I know that there is a point when you must be broken in order to get where you need to be and to see why some things have played out the way that they have.

There is so much internal fog right now that it is hard to give myself some form of direction. I am sure that it will be okay and that in the end all will be fine but the path to get there seems to be the one that is going to hurt the most.

The letter of complete honesty...Wow this was hard

First and foremost I am writing this because I consider you such a valuable friend and I feel as though I can no longer continue on as if nothing has happened between us when in fact it has. I knew that the transition back to being ‘just friends’ would not be easy yet it has proven even harder than I planned for it to be, for me.

I realize that we only dated for about six weeks but in those six weeks our friendship and the way that I feel about you changed. Not changed as in the value of you in my life or changed in the way that I feel when you walk into a room or log on for a short chat, yet it has changed. I have spent the last several months trying to pretend that it didn’t but it did. I can not pinpoint the exact moment in which I realized that it had happened but now I know for sure that it did.

There is no reason for me to continue on like it hasn’t. I fell head over heals for you which in all honesty I never expected. I figured it would just be a nice way to get to spend more time with you. Not that my heart would love your smiles, your laugh, long pointless walks, simply hanging out and being comfortable with someone that I care about.

The night that you first kissed me was different than any other night. My heart melted, like it never had before, and I am still trying to figure out why. I know this may seem very strange to you but having known you for as long as I have made it seem even stranger to me to be falling for you.

There are so many other words that seem to need to be said here but finding them is fleeting. I have noticed that even when you piss me off, I want you in my life. The fact you can’t commit, you don’t know where you are headed, and you have no idea how you plan to get there make me smile because then I know that you are being honest with me.

I fear being this honest with you may strain our friendship but I honestly feel that it is the only way to keep myself sane. I have heard from several people that things were different when I was around you and how I felt showed every time someone, no matter who it was mentioned you. For me you will be the one who got away and the one who stole my part of my heart.

In My Heart Always,

Julia M. Wright

Dear...

You have touched my life in ways that aren't even explainable and in a few short weeks I will leave forever. I will never tell you face to face how I feel or what is going on inside my head and heart yet I will leave and be forced to wonder what may have been, what could have been, and what could have happened if I would have just trusted my gut. It is hard to say that there is no way that I will ever know what may have come from what I felt deep inside, yet I will walk away and smile.

There are those times

There are those times that you deal with the hand the you are dealt in life.

I have never been good at dealing with what I am given. I know that God is great and has everything under control but it is hard to say that this is the way that it is going to stay. I know that it is okay, no matter what I may so or how I may act I know that He does. Today I found one post from a friend that really struck close to home. You can read it at www.ericbradley.com it is interesting and deals with issue that I think we all deal with at many times in our lives.

Just Be

There are days where you just need to be. Today is one of those days and it has been wonderful.

Conversations

Tonight was interesting at best. There are times that a light hearted conversation is all you need to really start to think about things. I love Bryan and it is so great that he has found a girl that seems to be exactly what he needs. He has fallen in love and it is wonderful. He didn't even need to say it I could tell just by the way he talks about her and the smile that I knew was on his face.

Bryan and I talked a whole lot about just about everything under the sun. But mainly a huge guessing game about who I have fallen for and whether or not he know him. We had several good laughs about it all and it was hard not to tell him but when it is time for him to know then he will. It is hard for everyone around me right now to know what is going on in my head yet not being able to express it completely.

I am exposed to more people today than I was a week ago. This week has been a week of apologies and corrections. There have been many times that it would have been easier to give up and let this whole thing go but yet I can't. I am working my way through many of my new and old friends one by one expressing my gratitude for their friendship that they have given to me that I have not given back.

Wednesday is a busy lazy day for me. I have quite a list of things to do.

1. Get new tires
2. Get oil changed
3. Order bridesmaid dress
4. Shopping at Kohl's, Old Navy, Lane Bryant
5. Possibly go out with friends

So I will be busy but around.

Who would miss me

Today I sat and thought about a lot. One thought that kept running through my head is who would miss me if I were to disappear today.

There aren't that many people who miss me when I am gone. I have thought that there would be an void in their lives and have no idea who it would be. I would like to think that I can affect people and that there are those who in some way would not have the same life if I wasn't here. I thought about the people that I have touched and how dishonest I have been with so many. I thought about where on earth I would be if I had continued down that path. I know that many have forgive me for the mistakes that I now call my past but would they miss me. Would they miss my presence? Would they even really know I was gone? It is hard to say. There are those that would in some way notice like family and people that I see everyday. I don't know why this set of thoughts has been running around my head over the last few hours.

So I am forced to wonder who would miss me when I am gone? Really Who?

Trying to make sense for it all

There is so much that I don't understand and often times that is a painful reality for me. I wish I really had it all figured out and that I had it all under control but I just don't and that stinks.

There are moments in life when you need to step back from what is your life and really take time to look at everything you do. When you look at everyday life, not even the big stuff, I am forced to sit back and check my own priorities. There are so many things that I considered priorities that with a bit of prayer and a bit of time I am quick to realize that they are in fact not.

There will be more to follow I am sure. Have you ever tried to build house with wooden blocks but get the foundation under it slightly unlevel? Then much to my surprise it falls over. That is sort of where I am right now.

Wow

Today was a day spent with Sam and Monica who I don't get to see ever and it was wonderful. I will have so much more to say after a few hours of sleep.

Two Lives

Often I wonder if I am living two different lives. There is the one where everything is going smoothly and I am achieving those things that I wish to achieve, then there is the life where everything seems to be in a consistent spiral downward or at least out of control.

Today was a simple day. I am housesitting for a family in my church so I sat around read part of my assignment for school, watched a movie on my laptop, went for a walk, read the paper, and played with Luke (the dog). I was glad to get the school work done although I now have yet another week of down time before we pick back up. The weather around here has been nothing if not bizarre. On Wednesday night we had our first snow of the year which made for the traditionally bad road and cold winds, but this year it was different for me. The snow was white and perfect yet annoying. The wind no colder than it has been in the past yet it seemed to pierce my body sharply. I can't really explain it all or I would.

This in turn meant that I had all the time in the world to sit and think about everything that has been going on in my life as of late. It is hard to put my finger on it but somethings are changing and I am not so sure that I like it. I still have a letter that I wrote nearly a week ago now and I have no idea what I am going to do with it. Part of me wants to burn it and pretend that I did in fact give it to its intended recipient, that way I could feel that those parts of my emotions were already dealt with. I think this is because I fear rejection of telling someone exactly how I feel and what I am thinking.

I am quickly learning again, that complete faith requires complete faith. I want to be used, I want to be seen as a strong person, I want to be there for others, and I in fact try to put these things out there and usually end up rejected. I guess the huge part is that I want these things and don't take the time to learn how to be these things. I want to used, to be someone that other look up to but I all to often find myself face down on the ground asking God what an earth went so wrong here. Were did I mess it up this time because there were so many different outcomes and yet again I managed to be on worst path for the whole situation. I want to be strong and not be scared of the future or of being hurt or of change but it is simple to see that this is hard for anyone especially me. My life has been nothing but one big change after another yet the whole idea of change seems to scare me to death.

I know there is a lot of babbling today but it means something to me and even makes sense when I reread it so I am sorry for those of you who I may have lost but glad you are all still out there.

Thanksgiving

Today was a day set aside to give thanks. I have much to be thankful for but it is hard to put it all into words because of how tired I am right now.

The First Snow

Today it snowed for the first time of the season and although I don't like snow, I like the rawness that I feel when it snows for the first time. As the snow flakes fell after a rain storm this morning it really showed how things can progress without man having any control.

This morning as I left for work it was raining. It was a cold bitter rain that made you want to shiver and hide. There was nothing to pleasant about it and there was nothing to stop it. Caring an umbrella was pointless because of the wind that simply blew the rain right onto you. The rain later turned to lovely ice pellets that stung when they hit you. The ice beaded up and make little piles in corners yet much of it melted after it hit the ground because the ground had not yet hit the low temperatures that were needed to maintain it in is current state. The ice eventually turned to snow. Big fluffy wet snow flakes fell for hours and as I type this it is in fact still snowing outside. There is so much that comes with the first decent snow of the year.

People have to learn how to drive again. No more 65 miles an hour on the back roads and no more speeding in parking lots because someone (namely me) could get hurt. A snowball fight after work with fellow employees is fun, but in this kind of snow the snowballs are really hard and hurt when you are pelted with them.

As I look out the window of the house that I am housesitting in everything is covered in white and is smooth and pretty. Knowing that in a few days this snow will be yellow and gross to look at. That is how we are in our walk with God. When he takes away all of our sins and washes us clean we walk around smooth and shiny with perfect coverings then we go and put one little stain on it then it grow into something even more and more ugly until we have to go to Him and ask for it to be make clean and whole again.

So as I look at what is the beauty of the first snow I can now think that in a few short months, it will melt and everything will once again start to grow.

Tonight I learned

Tonight I learned that I never want to date again. Dating is a terrible sport that should be outlawed. I will have more to say later. Right now I am a bit too angry to deal with it all.

No idea

That is all I have to say about today...I have no idea...

I wrote a long letter today. I will write phrases from it later.

There isn't a whole lot to say this evening but today was a good day.

I skipped church and slept in till after 1 which was wonderful for me but frustrating because I simply don't feel the same if I don't go to church.

I am just sitting here right now. I will have more to say later I'm sure.

Left turn

You are walking along and then you decide to make a huge left turn. When you step out and take that turn you don't know for sure where you are headed but you are sure that it is exactly what is needed now more than ever. I know that there are times when seem to be talking out both sides of my mouth, and there are times that I in fact am but this is not one of those times.

I am ready to get this party started and I stood at work today just thinking because they put me on express, which I despise, and there didn't seem to be to many 'small' orders the Saturday before Thanksgiving. I am to move away and be happy and start on a clean slate and do this again with out my family being there all the time. After a long talk with one of my managers, Kyle Working, about what all this move will entail and some of the emotions that go with it. I know that it will be hard and I know that I will doubt, but it is a matter of self preservation.

I am thinking about what is to come and how it will seem when I finally get there. I know that there is a time and a place when it is appropriate to 'spread' my wings and leave this place. I also requested a promotion today which I wonder if I will even be given a chance for because I am not planning on staying in the area but I stepped out there and plead my case as to why I am the right person for the job and how much it would mean to me to have that much faith put into me.

This week was fairly uneventful. I attempted to order a bridesmaid dress for Elaina and Randy's wedding and still don't have the order placed, I hope I have time to get it ordered before the end of the month. The dresses are not bad looking and for anyone who has ever been in a wedding that is saying a whole lot. There is no need to have ugly dresses in the wedding although I have wore some. The strange thing is that I could see something similar in my wedding in the not so distant future if I ever get this pesky husband thing figured out. Sarah and Rob are planning a May wedding and the dresses for their wedding will be more money that was not in my yearly budget but it is okay because I am happy for them.

I am really starting to miss some of the friends who made my life what it is today. I miss Sarah, Elaina, Staci (http://staci_iwu.blogspot.com) (she is my cousin but more importantly she is my friend), Eric (www.ericbradley.com), Bethaney, Frieda, and so many others. I wish they were more available and I wish I was too because then I wouldn't feel so removed. Now my whole life revolves around paying bills and getting everything in order as adults do. No more simply hanging out and wasting time, because time has a new value once you go to school and then reenter or enter the work force. I miss the good old times but now they are just a distant memory of what has been and are no longer part of what is to come.

Steps

Life is nothing more than managing to put one step in front of the last and so on. I have often struggled to do just that. Taking steps and being honest with myself is not something that I have ever been to great at no matter how hard I have tired.

I think we all hide things from ourselves because we don't want to deal with them no matter how small those things may very well be. I love details and what everything to work out smoothly and without a catch and as most very well know life very rarely works out that way. There is no way to keep everything in perfect order all the time and it drives me absolutely crazy which is a shorter trip for me than it is for many others.

I start my final leg of my journey here in Warsaw and I want all those little details to work out smoothly and perfectly. I know that there will be times that they won't and there will be times that I am so stressed out I will want nothing more than to stay here and not leave at all but I am ready for those days, I think. At last count 29 weeks and counting. That really isn't that long and I know it. There is so much that will go into the next six months and everything that needs to be done in the process. But as in life these are just small yet very simple steps that I am taking.

The up side to planning life one step at a time is that it is easier to change directions when you only looking at the next step. So here I go walking again and it will not be easy. I am reminded of a song that we sing in church every so often:

He never promised that the cross would not get heavy...

Ahhhh

There are moments that you have to stand before God and give small but simple accounts of what you are doing and how you are serving His purpose. They are not huge moments and no where as big 'the' day where we stand before Him and wait to hear 'well done thy good and faithful servant.'

I stood alone in a room and felt God very close to me. I knew that I needed to work through my own stuff for a bit and face everything one day at a time. I know that there are times when we can quickly forget that this journey is not all about us it is so much bigger. There are times that I want to be nothing more than selfish. I want things to work out perfectly and I want them to do so now, and strangely enough it doesn't happen, go figure.

There are many things that I thought I would have by now that I simply don't. I have heard several times that God gives you the desires of your heart yet the things I desire seem so far out of reach and there is no way that God is going to do them for me. That is something that is frustrating for me and it shouldn't be because I know that God will take care of things at that they will work out sooner or later.

I just need to go for a walk...I think I will. Sigh.

Stressed

So its no secret I don't much car for it here and yet here I sit. Work has been stressing me out but more importantly money. I want to have a large sum of money in my account when I leave here so that if something should happen initially then I would be okay.

I feel more and more alone. All of my friends are gone from here and the ones I thought I still had clearly aren't. This will make my move so much easier in long run.

Change will hurt much like weight loss, growing pains or emotional baggage but we all have to de it and there isn't a thing that we can do about it. So although I am stressed out and in the mood to really rant I won't, I will spare you that reading and write it out the old fashion way, paper and pen.

Have a great day.

Paths

As I get off of this self righteous path that I currently find myself in the detour seems to be hard on me both spiritually and physically.

When you try to make huge changes on your own they can turn out to be very painful but if you ask God for a bit of guidance much of the pain and stress will vanish.

I have a lot to do tonight so I will write more later.

Have a good night.

Lifted

There has been so much stress lifted off of me over the last 24 hours and it couldn't have come at a better time.

I found out this afternoon that I did in fact get the grade that was needed to stay in school and that my journey will continue. I will take larger steps toward getting my masters degree and then, Lord willing, I will do great things. I did not make the choice to get my masters degree because of the status that goes with completing it, but I did so because I am sure that there is more out there for me and I simply need to take the time to find it.

I have given much thought to teaching either college or high school. I may just do that. I am currently working through getting my teaching certificate and possible teaching at a local school. I don't know if it is in fact what I plan on doing long term but right now it feels right.

I am also reconstructing a friendship that I destroyed single handedly over the last few weeks. I know that I have made some mistakes and for me it is hard to admit it and that is huge. I hope to take our friendship back a few steps then work on rebuilding what was once so wonderful. I know that there will be a time of adjustment for both of us as we work to get through so of the issues that we both face right now. I am happy to get the opportunity today.

Church was great last night and really put a whole of things in perspective, which I usually need. Taking time to step back and look at these things was wonderful. I now know more than ever that the choices I am making are right.

Getting what is needed

Do you ever think that you really get what is needed?

I do...God gives it to you right when you need it and not a moment sooner.

Doing Time

I am at a point where I am just doing time. I am working for the sake of working and know that it is what I need to do until I move in June. That's right you read it here first unless of course you are Staci I am planning on moving The second week of June and it is final. Where I stand right now there is nothing that can change my mind in the choice that I have made.

I know that this is the right choice no matter how many times I may question it during the next few months. I have given myself a few extra months to make this transition go much smoother than the rushed one that I was planning on. I am excited and scared and have for the most part started telling my family about the choices that I have made. Now I am 'doing time' here at home till that time comes.

I am ready, I really am and I have some great friends and family that will be there for me as I do this. Although I will feel alone I know that I am not and there will be days that I think I will stuck and confused and I just have to brace myself for them. There is no reason that this need be anymore dramatic than moving across town or one state over. I know that it is going to be hard and that is something that I am more than willing to deal with. The repercussions of it all are something else that I am ready for. I will miss things that traditionally I wouldn't: Birthdays, holidays, parties, weddings, and other important events in peoples lives, yet I will always be there for them.

The next few puzzle pieces will fall into place over the next few months. So here I go and I haven't been this happy and scared in my life.

Questions of the day

Today I had many shallow questions that crossed my mind:

Make-up or none?
Straight or curly?
Hair up or down?
Dress up or casual?

See I told you they were all shallow. They were just what kept popping into my head over the course of the day as I worked my way through several outfits and different hair styles. It was crazy. I dress the same everyday for work so I am not sure why exactly it matters, and frankly it doesn't. So I am off for the night. I never seems to stop amazing me that getting to sleep before midnight makes me very happy. Night all.

You are the love of my life,
You are the hope that I cling to,
You mean more than this world to me
I wouldn't trade you for silver or gold
I wouldn't trade you for riches untold
You are, You are my everything.

As I sat and listened to this song it has so many different meanings in my mind. It can be a love song to someone that you care the world about and I have often thought of it that way. It can also be a song to the Creater which is more what it should be.

Tonight I put a huge piece of my past finially in my past and it broke every piece of my heart to do so. To leave it there behind me was not easy as I walked away. I know that this is what is best for both of us and we now can move on more completely with our lives. I knew the instant that we sat across the table from each other that I was going to have to streach myself and so was he to make this evening a success. I am more sure now of what the future holds than I have ever been before. The time approaches quickly and as promised my choices are being finalized as I type.

Have a good night.

Today I learned...
1. I shouldn't be allowed out in public
2. God may actually know what He is doing.
3. I tend to stress myself out
4. My cat doesn't like me nearly as much as I thought she did
5. I have no idea what I am doing here

Wow that doesn't seem like a whole lot but to me it is huge. To even be able to admit that I don't have control takes more out of me than I ever thought it would. Well I need to go change out of these ever so stylish work clothes. Have a great night.

AHHH Sleep

What is funny to me is that I am no longer in a 'traditional' college setting yet I still manage to loose sleep over project and other things that go into being back in school. Today I did something that I don't usually do and slept in till noon and it was wonderful. So with a full nights rest and the better part of a days I am feeling really good.

Today I have to go to work for a few hours then back here for a fairly unplanned night. I am expecting company sometime later today. I am not looking forward to it but in many ways I am because it will be a chance to put some final touches on the period end of a relationship. The guy that I dated while I was in college is stopping by to 'talk' or so he says but I need him to know that I am not at all interested in him anymore and although he is a wonderful guy and will make some girl very happy in future I am not that girl.

This evening or tomorrow I am sure I will have more to say about this and there are so many different ways that it could turn out and I am ready for any of them.

So I am off for now.

The end of the beginning

So the title leaves a bit of explaining to do and I won't get into all of it right now but I am sure that it will make more sense over the next few weeks.

Tonight was the last night of my LAW class for school and created much joy in my life knowing that it is the last law class that I will have to take for the time being. A good conversion with Alan a guy in my class created some light hearted laughs as we both sat stressed out staring at our computer screens because the class has not been the highlight of my scholarly endeavors. I know that there have been others that I haven't cared for but at least to date this one is number two on the list of classes that I am excited to never see again. Number one of course goes hands down to Spanish class.

My grade in this class will determine if I will continue in school or if this is where I in fact take time to step back and rethink everything that I have been doing for the past six months. It is hard for me to believe that I started this craziness of going back to school six months ago when I only graduated a few from Taylor seven months ago. So at this point I will know if it was what I was supposed to do or if it is something that I choose to do without really consulting God. I have 'met' some very interesting people along the way and that has been wonderful. If my grade is sufficient which I am truly sure it will be then I am off academic probation and will start doing work as a 'regular' student.

It is time for me to make some huge life decisions and I am now for the first time ready to do. I will know 100% by the end of the week what I am planning to do. Mark my words. I will know and it will be great and I am excited at this possibility. There are so many things that have to be done over the next couple of weeks and am ready. I also may not be leaving as soon as I thought which could be a good thing or it could be bad. I will deal with all of that when it is time. I am at peace.

Today

Today was another day that I choose to fight with God or maybe it should be fight God.

Over what? Everything that I could come up with to fight with Him over. I don't have to have one specific topic to be frustrated about to drive myself crazy or for that matter drive God crazy if that is at all possible.

My class for school ends on Wednesday and will in all honesty be a very happy feeling for me. I am now struggling to face the fact that at that instant, I am at the mercy of my teachers who will ultimately decide if I get to continue in my educational endeavors or if this is in fact where I get off.

So I am off to study. Have a great night.

Because of who you are I give you glory,
Because of who you are I give you praise,
Because of who you are I will lift my voice and say,
Lord I worship you because of who you are....

Do you ever think about who God really is? I mean REALLY?

Uneventful

Today was a good day. Tyler Bryant, a friend from not so long ago, came to church and had a powerful message. I am still trying to put it all together in my head. I don't want to be comfortable in my faith I want to keep reaching and wanting and needing more of God in my life. I know that there is so much that He has to offer, but I want to be able give that back whenever I can.

Tyler is wonderful and clearly used of God and will have a huge impact on the world, even though he already has. I miss having him around sometimes. There are so many things that I could say but I don't even know where to start.

Today was a long day. I am off to bed. Here shortly.

Kick Boxing

Kick boxing is a wonderful sport, especially when I am stressed out.

To get to go to the gym and punch and kick things without getting in any trouble in any way definitely has its benefits. I know that if I were to (and I have before) try my work out on my brother I would be in more trouble than even I can imagine. I may be 23 but for the moments I still live with my mom whom I have a healthy fear of.

This morning I woke up late because I didn't have to go to work, I really enjoy not having to work on a Saturday because it is when all the 'crazy' people come in to shop. It seems to me that they forget that other people work all week too.

I got dressed in my sweat pants and t-shirt, which my brother so lovingly pointed out looked horrible, and went to the gym. I know it looks bad I'm going to gym no need to dress up just to change clothes again. It feels good just to lounge around for a while and I am looking forward to fairly unproductive day. So everyone have a great day.

More Love, More Power, More of you in my life.
More Love, More Power, More of you in my life.
And I will worship you with all of my heart
and I will worship you will all of my streangth
for you are my Lord, You are my Lord.

This song has played over and over in my mind today and it is a good thing that it is just me and the cat becaue I have sang it several times. It has just given me something to really think about.

The day after

Election...The day after. Today is the day that our country has been building up to for a long time. President Bush will return to office for 4 more years. He will lead out country till Dec. 31, 2008 and the choices he will make will affect my children and their children. I could even have children by the time he leaves office and that is a scary thought in and of itself.

John Kerry conceded the election sometime this morning while I was at work. It couldn't have been easy to do. To admit that you have lost such a pivotal election is a blow to anyone's ego. There is so much that goes into an election. Tom Brocaw spoke of it last night. Your emotions, your family, your name. You put it all out there to be run through the ringer everything is scrutinized. Your life is a wreck for well over a year. God bless the Kerry's as they attempt to return to what they consider a "normal" life.

President Bush won the popular vote which hasn't happened in the last several presidency. I know he must be happy with what has happened and that he will do everything that he can to work us out of the mess that we currently find ourselves in.

Last night I sat up watching the states come in one by won declaring who the electoral votes would go to and the fact that there was little change from four years ago.

God has given us 4 more years with President Bush and it has already been mentioned several times today that this rift that so deeply divides our country. Now we must enter a period of healing and mending. In 4 years there will be 2 new canidates but until then we will walk with this man. So as we as a country looks ahead to what is out there we should brace for anything as we have learned over the past 4 years knowing that God is still in control even when we're not.

Check Mate

Spirituality can often feel like a losing game of chess. You plan your moves carefully and then there is one move that you didn't see coming. Boom you sit at check mate and there is nothing you can about it. That move that rips into your heart and forces you to start to question it all. Question what is going on and how you ended up on the path that you are. You are in church, you know the truth, you know how to guard your heart and yet you don't. Then when you are caught off guard because you are not paying attention you want nothing more than to blame God for the whole mess that you find yourself it.

After a weekend full of traveling and not knowing what types of conclusions I may reach...I stood facing the enemy. Then I heard it...I felt it...I knew it...One more wrong move could very easily put me in the position of check mate. My "game" as it were was about to change. I need to change direction. I need to change goals, I need to reorganize, Yet I don't know to what.

--I had it all planned out.
--I knew what was going on.
--I had this one figured out.
--I was finally in control.

And that is where the problem really started. I was finally in control not God. I had it I really knew what I planning, knew where I headed, I had this one, I didn't need God to show me what I really needed to be doing! I Knew this was right and I was very happy with the choices I was making. Now I am in complete limbo again. WHAT NOW, WHAT NOW GOD. I know that there is so much ahead of me and I sit here cornered. I sit and stare at the face of the unknown and the over planned and wonder where it was that I went oh so wrong and try to think of the various ways I plan to get myself out of it. Not once thinking that perhaps I am not the one to get myself out of this one. Maybe, just maybe, I need God to reach in with His long arms and help me, but no I didn't want to consider that. I want to be in control and know where this path that I am walking on is headed.

I stare at the enemy and ponder, watching his every move more carefully than the next. Studying his face and seeing his nervous ticks knowing that there is a possibility that if I take my eyes off of what is the ultimate goal then I could loose and be trapped in a cycle that I have been in so many times before. I watch and wonder, still not thinking about the love and grace that is mine if I simply take it and hold it in my arms.

Then I hear the words that I feared the most, 'check mate.' Now I am trapped and start to panic, trying to find my own way out and then I realize, for the first time in a long time, that I can not get out of it on my own. It is going to take someone much more powerful and all knowing than I to get this mess cleaned up. Realizing I am cornered I look up at the hand that is stretched toward me and reach as far as I can to grab it. As I am pulled from the situation that I find myself in, I make a promise to not be taken back there again, but silently wonder if it could happen.

As with chess there are times that you can see the enemies next move and it is easily avoidable with a simple side step that makes things in your path appear much clearer once you return to the path that you were to be on in the first place. As I step back over onto my path I am starting to question the plans that I have been making over the last few months, and I start to ponder what is going on in my life. I know that as long as I play the 'game' as the Master has designed it I will come out victorious.

Returning to the path will not be easy. Getting my life back in order will hurt. Often change does but I know it is what I need to do. I know that this is how it should be done. I also know that it can be easy to stray and I need to watch very carefully when I am making plans and trying to control it all on my own that God has his hands on it all too.

I know that I can do this, I know that I can. I also know that there are those who will support what I am trying to do, and there will be those who are hurt or even left behind as the changes start to take shape. I am grateful for the opportunity to change and to make things right. But first I must close some doors, if for no other reason than to keep unexpected moves from cornering me again.

Trip

So my trip...HMMMM....

We left Warsaw at 9:32 pm on Thursday night. And for those of you who read this, yes that was behind schedule. Arriving in Rising Fawn, GA at 6 am was nearly the highlight of my trip. Getting there and getting to sleep for a few precious hours before starting off on a whirlwind weekend.

Saturday was a church picnic with people that I didn't know, which made for some very interesting conversation. I was informed several times that it was clear that I was a Yankee and not from the south. I got several laughs over it all but because, in all honesty I wanted to be like, "who won the war, HMMMM, US." There for you shouldn't be mocking us because even though we won, we let you in the union and you get all the same freedoms that we do.

Sorry about the tangent there. We also ate at this place called Pork N' Loin that was really good. They had bbq baked potatoes. Sounds strange but tastes really good.

Sunday was church all day and then a long day of driving. I was nice to see old friends but the idea of driving so far is a bit mind boggling. There are so many times that I wanted to just give up on driving. Today I got to stop and see my cousin for a few minutes which was a welcome break from all of the driving. So as I do laundry and all of the school work that I am so far behind on, I will look back on this weekend and smile, but man am I tired.

Home Again

After a week of not knowing what was going on and changing plans, I have once again retured home. AHH yeah home, the one place I dislike most to be.

Not once have I heard that it is nice to have me home again or that I was even missed and I was gone for five days, which really isn't long but it is for me. Once I get laundry done. I will write more.

Getting Ready

If any of you know me, I am not so good at packing ahead of schedule so it is no surprise that it is nearly midnight and I am just now starting to do laundry for my trip. I will be gone till Monday and I am excited to get away, again for a while. It is simple I need to get out of this place and work through some of my own issues that are to much to deal with here.

Staci quote of the day:

"The truth is that every time a door closes behind us, the rest of the world opens up in front of us. All we need to do is stop pounding on the door that is closed, turn around, and see the largeness of life that now lies open to our soul." -Parker Palmer

A hole in my heart

I have a a hole in my heart. I thought it would have healed by now. I want to know how on earth I can fill it. I know what the hole is from and I know that my heart is breaking and I can't do anything about it. I have this huge hole that means the world to me...I don't like being in love, and more over I don't like being in love with someone who refuses to love me back.

It hurts to know that there is a gap inside me and I can't tell anyone what it really feels like because the only way you would is if you have been there and know how much it hurts to be ripped apart inside and have no where to put it. God is in control and perhaps it isn't the right time but oh well it happens. I'm a mess and I am still sick.

I don't like being sick, I'm sure I've mentioned it before but it is horrible to be sick and not really know why. Hopefully soon I feel better that is what they keep telling me anyway.

Fear Factor

When you hear those two words you think of that horrible NBC show where people voluntarily eat some of the most disgusting things that I have ever seen. Do you ever wonder if this is what God is doing to you? Testing you to see what you are afraid of or what you are willing to do.

One of my biggest fears is to take a leap of faith and that is what it is going to have to be on so many levels, and then the thought it is it a leap of faith or a leap of stupidity. Do I do thing because it is really what God wants me to do or do I stand still proving that it is a lie and I am simply being drained emotionally by none other than myself. I kill myself spiritually, I think we all do and often don't realize that we are doing it when in fact it is so clear to others.

I have nearly committed spiritual suicide on several instances and didn't even realize I was doing it at the time in question. I have cut myself off from my spiritual food and slowly started to starve myself and gasp for air. Even as I sit to write tonight I am walking dangerously close to doing it again. Sunday night Pastor preached to me, without actually saying my name, but I knew who it was directed toward even if he didn't.

So do we play games like fear factor when we are working on jumping out in faith? I think so, just to see how far we can push those limits. I've gotten close to crossing them and I think so many others have too. So now to make my spiritual walk something more than a game.

Finding It?

Tonight at church I stood and cried, really cried, and it hurt and I felt pulled in a thousand different directions and don't know where to put all that anger and frustration.

God really talked to me this evening and now I have to learn how to listen. I want to know what is going on in my world and I want to know now and I am not getting the answers that I want to hear. I don't like the emotions running around inside of me and I don't like that fact that I give control to God and as a result I loose it myself.

Pastor Cox spoke on finding things we have lost in our salvation. I had lost my path, and slowly started working my way down my own path. I didn't like to cry, where everyone can see, because to me then everyone is thinking about the fact that I am crying and that I have something to be hiding, or that I have done something wrong. If you loose a camera you loose memories and you have to use you memory to keep pulling them back, often we loose our 'salvation' camera and have to pull those memories up from the back of our head and look at them.

What have I lost in my anger, in my lies, in my hurt, in my emotions, what? It is hard to say because it is lost and I am want things to be better and I hope and pray that they will be. I will find what I am looking for, I am sure. So now I just have to be looking because I don't exactly know what that is.

Journaling

Journaling is something that I take pride in and enjoy doing very much. It also aids in allowing me to see where I am coming from and how I deal with so many emotions. I know that there are times that my journal is just a rant and I do apologize for that. I also know that this pattern will repeat itself over and over. I also want this journal to be a opportunity for my friends who are off in different parts of the country and world to keep up with some of the aspects of my life. I suppose I started journaling because both my cousin and one of my best friend do it and it is how I keep up with their lives so it only made since to start one up myself and now it is one of the nicest things I have done.

When I sit down to write I'm thinking about what I have to do on that day or the concerns that keep running through my mind or what I have to do that hasn't been completed yet. There are many times that what is worrying me or what I am fretting about is not as big a deal as they seem at the time and that is hard for me. I am going to be fine. God has control of my life, even when I don't like it and even when I want to have control.

This week was a rough week and I haven't felt well the whole week and that has been adding stress to my life. Yesterday my aunt saw me at work and it is very obvious that I am tired and completely drained and she actually said something about it to me and to my cousin which I am not used to. She usually doesn't take a caring role in my life. It is nice to know that even those who you don't think ever care are able to care occasionally. I talked with Staci for a few moments last night and it was nice, she however was a tired as I feel and went to bed, I'm glad she had a good birthday and is such a wonderful girl. Have I mentioned that I miss her and I want to go see her when I get the chance.

Trying to figure out this whole move thing has really started to take is toll on me. I know that I am moving to Salt Lake, the question now becomes when. Until late Thursday night it was the day after Christmas and now I am not sure if that is going to happen like I want it to. I want to leave on December 26 so bad that I can taste it but the reality of it is that the first six months of my year are nearly booked. I am two weddings, there are three graduations (Eric, Kyle, Sarah) that I must be in attendance for, and life is continue to happen when I am away. I know that these are some of the same choices that I will be making the years to come while I am out west but how to make them is a bit harder than I want them to be.

Reading Eric's site after he got home from his camping trip it appears that he spent much time putting things together about where he wants to go and now he simply has to figure out how he plans on getting there. (www.ericbradley.com) Have I mentioned how much his friendship means to me and how I hate to think of a world without him around? It's true that is how much he means to me and I don't know why, even when we lived further apart I thought of him all the time so now that he is so close I think of him more. I drive through his campus everyday, literally, and say a prayer for him that his day would go well or that he would be happy with all the choices that go into being in college, and there are a lot of them. In the event you read this...I miss you Eric!!!!

Today is a semi busy day, but on the upside I don't have to go work, which will be nice because I savor any time off I get. Birthday parties at my grandparents house for my grandpa, aunt Diane, uncle Danny, and possibly one more but I can't remember who's. Then hopefully coffee with my cousin, Staci if you read this call my cell phone, and then hope to do school work and stuff before I go lay in bed and not sleep, like I have several nights this past week. I am feeling a bit better today but I am not sure how long it is going to last. So as I go take a shower everyone have a great day.

Sometimes you gotta laugh

OH to make a fool of myself. If there is one thing that I am good at it is making sure that I look like an idiot when the day is done. Between my overly clumsy natural self and my ability to mix people up I can usually end up looking like a huge dork when it is all said and done.

What would make yesterday any different? Nothing. I went to work, yes that job that I don't like that I don't want anymore, and did what I thought I supposed to be doing. There are times in my world where I should just keep my mouth shut and let things go on until someone else notices them, but that is not how I work, so I decided to say something, of course that is the wrong something at the wrong time but I say it anyway. I put my foot in my mouth big time and since it is such a familiar place for me, I am really okay with it.

I have to go to work today again, see what I'm talking about being an adult is rough, go to work everyday and pay your bills on time, yikes, I didn't sign up for this. I am tired and need to go get dressed, yes it is 1215 but I didn't go to bed till well after 4 so I really didn't sleep that long. I will write later tonight or tomorrow I'm sure.

Have a great day and remember to laugh at yourself, you are usually the best comedian out there.

As My World Turns

Do you ever feel like you are living in a soap opera? I honestly can say that the last few days have been that way. I keep waiting for the high tension moments to cut to commercial but as luck would have it I haven't gotten that break yet.

I was up most all night working on school work and haven't been quite this tired in some time but I got everything I needed to get done, done, I think? As I poured myself into bed at 412 this morning all I could think is that I had far to much to do today and that there was no way it was going to get done because I would be so tired. At 847 am my cell phone rang and of course I answered it and it was my associate pastor calling to tell me that I wouldn't have to teach the children's class tonight, although I was frustrated that he woke me up I was grateful because that took two things off the list for today. No lesson plans and no teaching time, plus no need to go get snacks after work. Just as I faded back to sleep my alarm clock when off...Time to go to work, This whole being an adult thing has its draw backs, including the fact they expect you to pay your bills and show up everyday.

Although I don't watch As The World Turns or All My Children (I love Days of Our Lives, and don't know why), I assume that all soap operas have the same basic plots. A good guy, a bad guy, teenagers, and children, love affairs, you know what I mean. Right now in my life I have good guys and bad guys. I have to deal with teenagers a lot at work that drive me crazy and I want to reenact one of the fight scenes where I get to choke the crap out of someone being selfish all in an attempt to make me feel better. Love affairs I've got under control, most of the time, currently having no love life seems to be working out well for me. Calling someone by the wrong name seems to bring a very quick end to those kinds of things. Opps...I really am sorry if you still read this.

Today I got a call from someone who was very happy and full of joy. My childhood best friend Sarah is getting married and it is strange to see this step taking affect in her life. I have known for quite some time that she and Rob would end up together and that eventually, assuming he would propose, she would say yes and their fairy tail would be off and running. So I returned her call while I was on my break at work, listened to her excitement and came home awaiting the proofs for the bridesmaid dresses. I got them and they don't look to bad, she loves us all enough to make sure that the color works for all our skin and hair colors, God love red hair, because not everything matches it.

I went to the doctor again today, oh boy what fun, and she swears that over the next couple of weeks I should start to feel better and not be sick all the time, I have my doubts to be real honest, since I have been this way for so long now. You know you go to the doctor's office too often when you walk in and they don't even make you sign in anymore and all the nurses can call you by name on sight. It can also prove embarrassing when standing in front of other patients who are clearly annoyed that the staff seems to be nicer to you than they are to them.

Tonight I have church, some time to sit and think and work through some of the nitty gritty details in my head. Midweek is a time to refresh and rethink for the weekend. There is something about getting a chance to regroup on Thursdays that I look forward to.

Plans

My days here are numbered in more ways than one.

I need to take time to listen to God and figure out what I am going to do about all of this stuff I call life. I am increasingly afraid that what I feel is right is in fact not. I know God has a plan for me and that it is clear cut. It never ceases to amaze me that He knows the beginning from the ended every time. He knew that I would be sitting here trying to make these choices and He knew that I would start to hesitate. I wish I knew only a fraction of what He knows. I simply want to know what my life has in store for me in next weeks.

I had planned on being gone already. I had planned on being married now. I had planned to have a career set before me. I had planned to clear up all my messes. I had all these life plans that now don't mean anything. I was sure when I was making them that it was what God wanted for me and that it would be okay. Now as I sit in the face of these plans I am forced to question my motives and why I want this so bad. I want to be happy, and I am sure that, it can not happen here. I want to be successful, again not here. I knew what my future held and then I let it go. My plans were so clear cut before God either I did or I didn't and I didn't think about everything else going on around me. It was all about me and no one else now it is all about God and what He wants in my life and I don't like it.

Lately I have been at doctors offices all the time, because sometimes God wants to remind us that the choices we make have consequences and we have to face them. We know that they are there but often we are sure that even though the choices we make are wrong and sinful God will still protect us from what could happen. I have seen so many of my friends make huge mistakes and I have thought if only they hadn't done that then they wouldn't be in that much trouble but now I look back and God must have had an angel around me because there are so many times that I should have been completely broken and destroyed by the choices I have made and yet I wasn't.

I always planned on not having children and now I have this huge desire to have children of my own. I want to be a mom and be a good wife, and more and more I want these things to start to fall into place soon. I don't know when but soon. I have started having dreams about my children (yes that's right there are more than one of them) and the way they play and run. In one dream even call them by name which is very strange because I have never really thought about naming my children because until recently I had no desire to have any. There are four in all, three boys and one girl, and I can see that being who I am, a mom. Paul, clearly the oldest, Mark, and James, and the youngest Elizabeth, I've never picked out these names but the more I think about them the happier I get. I never thought that these dreams would make me weep for what I so desperately want and yet currently am nowhere near having. The thing about these dreams is that I never see my husbands face or hear his voice but he is always there.

I have had all these plans for so long and now I don't know what to do with them as they appear to be overridden by someone much more powerful than me. I know now that I can't set the future into motion it has already been done but I can sure try to stay on the path that will take me there more easily. I know that it isn't going to be easy to do but want to do it right. I want to make this a smooth as it can be. Does that mean I give up all of my hopes and dreams, it may very well mean just that but for right now I want this more and more. I want my plans to be God's plans and not my own. Who knows maybe it will all turn out just liked I have dreamed and the person I've been searching for so desperately is right in front of me this whole time.

I guess only time will tell. Six weeks and counting till the big day, that is if it stays on my plan list. I sure hope it does I'm really looking forward to it.

The Date

So I went out on my second date with a guy that I met about four weeks ago.

The first date went really well and therefore I decided that a second date would be okay. As many know I won't kiss a guy on the first date, there has been one acception to this rule, but anyway. I went out on a second date and was very quick to realize that this wasn't going to work out. We had fun and spent the evening together then as we walked to the door, I was about to tell him that I didn't think we should see each other again because I didn't think it would work when he leaned in and kissed me. Although, it was plesent I pushed him back so that I could tell him that I didn't think it was a good idea and that was the moment that I called him by the wrong name. I can honestly say that I am fairly certain I have never been so embarassed in my life.

So today is a new day, and is off to a much better start than the way yesterday ended.

Alrighty then

Learn to listen, learn to listen, learn to listen, learn to listen. Try to understand, try to udnerstand, try to understand, try to understand. Don't panic, don't panic, don't panic, don't panic.

Okay so I have had a bit of a stressful day. A trip to the doctor's office again. I don't care about that exacpt that I do care. I can't panic so here I go not panicing, it should be fun to watch, at least for other people. Anyone who knows me at all knows that I have panicing down to an art form. I just drive myself crazy with what if's but right now what if is more than just a thought, it is very possible. I am going crazy, or so it seems for right now. I just get so frazled.

I'm getting tired and should think about going to bed after all it is 830, I think I'm getting old. There was a time when 830 was just getting started for me and now that thought of few extra hours of sleep is huge and I can't wait to hit that pillow. Have I mentioned that I have felt like crap for the last three months? I am starting to feel a bit better but it will be a bit before I get better.

So as I have so often, it is alrighty then, and I will get it figured out, or not.

Small things

There are small things that God wants us to do that to us seem like they are the biggest deal you may ever face. Faith and following is all He asks from us and so often we don't do any of those things. He wants us to worship Him because of who He is and what He did for the world and yet often we feel alone. Pastor had many great points this evening including you are never to young to take a stand for God. You can be 8, 16, or any other age and stand up for what you know is right.

I have had these feelings often lately because of a changing world around me. I can stand in a room full of people and feel like there is no one there to stand beside me. I feel like I have been hung out to dry and I don't know what to do with it. I feel this way now. This morning pastor spoke about being put through the test. God will test you to make sure that you are ready for what is ahead. He will check your spirit to make sure it is as committed as it needs to be. The problem for me is that I have noticed recently I am not as steadfast as I would like to be and I often stumble and fall on my face. I want to step out and be there with God and reach these lost people but I have no idea how to do it. I don't want to put myself out there to be hurt and that is hard for me. I know that not everything goes as smoothly as we would like and that doesn't make anything better either.

Friday I was very sick and didn't know what to do. I knew that there was something very wrong and didn't even try to stop it. I just let things happen and now I feel nearly completely emotionless. I don't feel like I have a heart and I am not the most pleasant person to be around. My emotions are gone and I don't feel anymore. I am sure that I should be upset or heart broken but yet I am not. I know that there are things that need to be done and that I should be feeling and yet nothing. Why don't I feel hurt like I should? Right now I should be sad and upset yet I am strangely relieved that I can move on with my life. I know to many this makes no sense but to me it really doesn't either.

As my life continues to change around me, it is not easy not that I really expected it to be but for some reason there seem to be more changes than I was ready to deal with. Here comes another week look out. Full speed ahead.

So Cold

I woke up this morning to a rather harsh thing...It is cold, really cold. Work was interesting because of where I have to stand. Right inside the front door where every time it opens a cold breeze rushes in. I worked in a Taylor Hoodie and an ankle length skirt because I was so cold. I also laughed a bit because Eric is out camping for the weekend and he is going to freeze and it isn't going to be me. I hope he has fun but I am going to miss talking with him over the next couple of days but I am also plotting a come back so here's hope'n.

Yesterday was a good day, it started out planning to see two good friends but it turned out that I got to see three. I went to Fort Wayne to see Bethaney and Freida and did but then I got phone call as I walked into the mall to see them and it was Bryan, again Eric's best friend for those of you who don't read everyday. Bryan was driving by and stopped to see me for a bit. We chatted for a few minutes but not to long because I can go see him whenever and I don't get to see Bethaney and Freida everyday so I wanted to spend most of my time with them. Bryan and I had a decent chat while I ordered my dinner and then he went off on a date (although he swore it wasn't an actual date, but whatever). I did learn one thing last night, never ask Bryan if his date is cute or not because the answer may not be what you are expected.

Bethaney and Freida and I ate dinner at the mall, it has been so long since I had had chicken and rice and it was wonderful to sit around and talk with old friends. I didn't do much of the talking, this is something I am working on, I have noticed, especially recently that I simply talk to much sometimes. I need to listen more, to other, to God, to everything around me, to my body, I just need to learn to listen. We went to Borders to get coffee and talk some more which we did, and I was simply happy to get some good coffee since I have been trying to schedule coffee into my day for most of the week and it simply wasn't happening. It was wonderful, patty wagon latte, oh just thinking about it makes me want one more. I love coffee and I don't get it as I would like, I mean I get it sometimes and I drink plain coffee when I am at home but to go out a get specialty coffee, I simply struggle to find the time. They talked about the things that they have been up to, we talked about politics, jobs, school, where we hope to go, and if we really had any future plans. It was nice to talk but I realize that we are so different that it is strange to be together again. Bethaney is working full time and is getting ready to do her own thing, Freida is still in school and struggling to find herself in her own way, and then there is me, who went back to school after all the whining I did while in my undergrad and I am plotting my move across the country. We all ended up on such different roads, I can only hope that we will get to continue to cross paths throughout the years to come. I love them both so much and I'm so happy that they are getting what they want in life, if for nothing longer than this moment.

After all the Fort Wayne fun I went to my church and sat. After being with the two of them for several hours I realized how much we have changed and how alone I really feel when I am in a room full of people or with close friends. Everything is changing not because we all don't still love each other, but because that is what happens when you are so close then scatter out to your own parts of the world. I sat there alone in our sanctuary and cried and told God how I felt about it all and then I left after sitting for a bit to listen to Him. I don't know what is going on inside of me but I can't wait to see how it is all going to play out.

Balancing check books and pure embarrassment

As I sat down to do something that I should a bit more often this morning I discovered what I have known for a very long time. I can't do math problems in my head. I have been balancing my check book with the old pen and paper routine but was quick to discover that my math was nothing if not wrong. But in some ways it was good because I did discover that I have more money in checking than I realized. Do you ever wonder how much we really have in our Spiritual check book. Or for that matter if we are ever over drawn when it comes to our spirituality. I think we can be on both accounts. At least for me.

I can often feel like I am empty and alone and that is strange and very frustrating. I know that God is with me and He will supply but often I feel like I have overdrawn on what is to be my portion of His blessings and grace. I want to know that God is able to forgive and more importantly forget that things that we have done against Him. Do we ever have a an overdraft charge. No He knows that we aren't perfect and died on the cross because of it. We all sin, fact, We all can have Grace and Mercy, fact, but first we have to ask for it, a slightly harder fact to swallow. So what do we do when we feel overdrawn spiritually, we charge more begging for more forgiveness and for mercy. Is this what He intended then I am good at it but I think that it isn't and it is how we choose to deal with it.

Last night was a strange night. Eric and talked for hours and it all started with a comment about speed bumps figure that out. Every so often he manages to embarrass me completely and he wasn't even with me this time when he did it. It was 130 in the morning and he said the most random thing ever. I won't repeat it but man I turned bright red who he did it. I just never thought he would say something like that but anyway. He got me and now it is in my court. Although we talked about a whole lot of other things that were important and I think I don't have a clue where he is coming from. So now what...Heck I don't know.

Did I mention that he is going to try to grow actually facial hair...It should be funnier than crap to witness if nothing else. Anyway I hope to see him once he gets home from his little camping adventure. The next few weeks will be interesting at best.

So I want to marry my best friend

Last night was a long night because of a conversation that took place between Eric and I, no surprise there I'm sure. We talked about several things but the bulk of the conversion was around wanting to marry our best friends. I know that I could marry the guy I consider my best friend what is slightly stranger is that I don't even think he knows that it is him. Who is to say that it couldn't happen soon. Who is to say that it won't. So stress was also a big conversion last night, just being frustrated and upset about it all, sometimes life really gets to you and when you are thinking about the past it is easy to get sucked back into that pattern. He doesn't judge me and I love that about him.

I cried and it didn't even bother me. I mean usually it would have but not last night. We talked about the idea of marrying our best friend and short blurb about "When Harry Met Sally" because it seemed to fit and I realize last night more than ever that I want to marry one of my best friends. I even know which one but is he interested in me the same way I am in him? I don't know, perhaps not right now. Do I wait until I think it won't kill our friendship and then see if the feelings I have can be returned? Crap I don't know.

I miss him, I know him, I love him, more than likely more than he even realizes. I miss him, I miss his dorky smile, awkward silence, arm around me, long walks, I just miss him and everything that he is and everything that he does. I know him, not as well as I would like but I know that he and I are so much alike that it isn't reasonable. We both fight God on what appears to obvious and I have tried to save something that ultimately wasn't there and it hurts, so to read about or hear about him struggling makes me very sad and I have on occasion cried for him, I've been hurt by those I care about and I know that even though there are moments that when I am going to fail and I just have to try to keep those moments from destroying me. He doesn't judge what I have done and he knows who I am isn't who I will ultimately be who I become. I love him, more than he may ever know, and why, I have asked myself this many many times and it is because of all of the reasons that I miss him. I fell comfortable with him I don't have to worry about being judged for the stupid things that I have done and I can for the first time in my life time I can be completely honest with someone and I think he still loves me regardless.

So as I set out for my day I am thinking again. Dangerous territory I am aware. Oh well maybe today is the day I do the one thing that I am scared of most. Complete and total honesty.

Trying to Prove a Point?

It is hard to prove a point when you aren't sure what point you are trying to prove. I am facing an ever changing world and have struggled to find my place in it. I am planning to leave Warsaw in the not so distant future unless there is a job offer that I simply can't refuse that would arise here. I know that things are not always as clear cut as they appear. I wish I knew where one of my friends stood on the issue. If they were sincere about moving out there with me because then I would wait to go. If I didn't have to do this alone it would be so much easier. I wouldn't feel like I have completely lost my mind. I would put off a career out there to know that they wanted to go with me. I would give up the next year of my life to keep my friend close. Am I attempting to make this move alone to make a point? I don't know but I do need to see how sincere my friend is, and if they truly mean it then I will stay for a while.

I rebelled, its no secret, and now often I am forced to deal with the repercussions of it all. I knew that this would happen, even when I was doing the things that I was doing. I knew that there would be work involved and I knew that eventually there would be some fairly large consequences. I don't like them, not at all, I walk down the street and people know, especially in a small town like this. My family judges me because of my stance on religion, like I am to be perfect or something. I know that the things that I have done were/are wrong and I know that I am at fault and until a few months ago I wouldn't have wanted to own them. Now I can admit that I have screwed up and sometimes more than others and for right now this point that I was trying to prove has come back to haunt me.

How many Christians are out there just to prove a point? How many of us do what we do to show others that we can have fun too? Why do we do stupid things? And when asking these questions why do we say the things We do.

I read something that brought tears to my eyes. Eric wrote yesterday about an awful school year, more commonly referred to as the fall of 1998, a year that in many ways would be so much easier to forget about than to hold to. (www.ericbradley.com) It was a year marred by tragic deaths. First a very popular senior died in a car wreck, then my father in a car wreck, then a teach died after falling ill (no one really saw this one coming), last but certainly not least three former students died in a yet another car wreck in only sixty days. It made it very difficult to walk into a room with out wanting to cry but as time has gone on I believe that these things have made us stronger, even though there are times that even I struggle to see how. When I want to cry for no reason or I want to be mad at the world because I can be but that which doesn't kill us will ultimately make us strong? (or so they tell me).

I got to talk to a friend yesterday for a very long time and it was wonderful. Bethaney, my former roommate, and I spent over a hour on the phone yesterday, or perhaps it was Monday but it doesn't matter. I miss her she was a huge part of my life and to be real honest she is the reason that I am still here today. I never got to tell her how I feel and how much I appreciate her. She will be in the area on Friday and I am going to make sure that she knows how much she means to me and what a true impact she had on my life. You may not realize it when you are in college but often even the most seemed mismatched roommates end up being the best of friends. Bethaney was the brains of this outfit and the one who took logic to a whole new level so that I didn't freak out. We had our ups and downs, one down especially but we don't even talk about it anymore. She is happy to be home and care for her sisters youngest daughter who she hopes to adopt soon. She has a wonderful job that is exactly what she wants to do. I don't know I didn't think that I could live without her but as it turns out I can, it isn't always easy but I can, and I can still miss her and she her when she is close by but for now her short stop up here nearly an hour away will be the best I can do.

As of late

Lately I have been doing a whole lot of thinking. I want to move to Salt Lake in the morning and know that it isn't going to happen. I want out of here and the sooner the better especially with the mess that I have myself in right now. I just want to go somewhere where I can start over and not have to worry about making fools of of my whole family. Man I'm stressed out. I may write again later tonight but for now that is how it is.

Different

I know the title really leaves some questions about how I am feeling or where this in fact could be headed but I just feel different. I was up late last night sick and this gave me some more time to think which I really didn't need at the moment. Over analyzing is something that I have made an art form. I know that faith is what we are supposed to have but sometimes it just isn't that easy. Okay perhaps it should be but for me it isn't. I know that all of this is going to turn out fine, and this journey I call life will eventually find the correct path and I will be forced to be at peace about it all. So what do I do with all of the stuff that seems to be getting in the way.

I got a rather long lecture about how God gives you the desires of your heart but more and more I wonder. I want to be married, I want to start a family, I want a career, I want so much and I simply don't have it. I know that I must be in line with what God wants in my life but right now I have no idea what that is. I hope to sit down with my pastor's wife to have a talk here in the near future. I just need a semi impartial point of view. I have realized that the role of preachers wife can be very difficult and I think that I want to be one. I would love to be able to help my husband when he is working on his sermon, cleaning the church and leading young people to understand why the church does the things that it does and why sometimes it simply doesn't make sense. I want a preacher God am I worth, only you will tell me.

Last night was strange mom was at work when Kyle got home and he asked me to bring out a gun so that he could shoot a possum that eating the cat food in the garage. Once I got out there, there were in fact not one but two possums in the garage but this wasn't true either. So standing there with the gun, a pitchfork, and a flash light felling very redneck I waited for Kyle to come up with some kinda of plan to kill the possum that has been causing so many problems. As he started to rearrange the boards we were quick to discover that our two possums had quickly become three. My ears are still ringing, several shots were fired in the garage, not by me because I simply couldn't do it. Mom and Kyle took care of those ugly little animals and got rid of them which made a bunch a happy cats because now they can eat their own food and sleep in their house. But it did make for an eventful night.

So today I don't feel real great and have yet another doctors appointment so I am off for a while...I will let you all know how today goes.

Are you handicapped

So last nights message from Pastor Cox's was about the fact that in faith and in life we all are handicapped in some manner. We all have things that cause us to stumble and fall, we all have pain inside, and we all have to decided what we are going to do with these handicaps. There we a lot of analogies runners, golfers, horse races, just to name three plus several comments about the up coming election. Even though he said He couldn't tell us which was to vote, you know where he stands no big surprises there.

So as I sat in church nearly in tears because my emotions are spinning out of control, which I am not a big fan of because when they do, I have to fight everything in me to get them back to where they need to be. I cried at church last night, I don't like to cry, it makes me feel weak, but last night for some strange reason it felt okay, sorta. I just sat there thinking about the fact that many of the handicaps I bring to the table are simply my own doing and they didn't have to be there but I also don't know what it is like to live beyond this self destructive state. That is exactly what this is, self destructive, I seem to forget that everything I do is being watched and who I am is to be a testimony, and I slow start to eat at, pick at, and ultimately mutilate what I am more than likely to become because I am set on this path of self destruction. Wow that was a huge revelation for me but now I am not sure what to do with it. I will be pondering on that while I am at work today.

Yesterday we had an inpomtu party for my grandpa because it was his birthday, well actually today is but yesterday was the only day that some of us could get together and tell him that we appreciated him.

The best part of yesterday by a landslide goes to the fact the Spite family was here in the morning and I got to see Jadyn (Chana's baby) and she is so cute and really has started to develop a bit of personality. She has grown so much in the five weeks that I didn't get to see her and I am sure by the time I get back to Cookville she will be even bigger than she is now, mainly because babies tend to grow and fast and I won't get back down there for a few more weeks. Chana didn't get to come with the family because she got a promotion and had to work and I am sorry that I didn't get to see her but we can talk on the phone and stuff and be okay. Paul is doing well at his new job and Sally seems to be doing alright with her new role of babysitter and grandma. I can't image what it is like to get up in the morning and look at Jadyn because to me she is so very beautiful. I miss them so much and really wish that they would just move back to Indiana but I don't really think that is going to happen.

So as I go to the doctors because I have to work this afternoon, I am forced to remember that we all have handicaps and it is just a matter of what we do with them. So what is your handicap?

Sleep

A common theme for this weekend amongst many of my friends has been sleep. Eric is having his first weekend without having to work thirds and got to sleep. (www.ericbradley.com) Staci got a chance to sleep in for the first time in a very long time. (http://staci_iwu.blogspot.com) But still here I sit severely sleep deprived and for no other reason than the fact that I simply don't enough of it. I stay up late...oh well...I get up early but again oh well and yet there are times I wonder why.

I spent some time with Tonya yesterday and it is good to see that over all she is doing well. I can't wait for them to get their new house and have space to call their own again. Madison (Tonya and Joe's baby) has gotten so big I can't hardly believe it. Wow. Alley is growing too and it is nice to hang out with adults that can admit that they don't have their lives in order but they are okay with that because they know it is simply a transition time.

Yesterday was a rough day for me, a huge piece of my past spent the night here which made things a bit strange for me and then in the midst's of all of that Bryan called me. Now first let me explain Bryan. I have known Bryan for a long time, almost as long as I have known Eric but we never really spent much time together, except when Eric and I were dating. He called last night just like we were old friends and we talked for an hour and a half which was nice but very random. I sat up part of the night thinking about how strange it was to hear from him. We talked about everything, literally, he is a very talkative person, which he always has been but I can also see how there would be times that I wouldn't particularly want to spend over an hour on the phone with him. We talked about his ex girlfriends, drinking, work, and just about everything else under the sun. I sat outside and froze while we talked because I don't get such great reception in the house and besides that the unwanted company wasn't making things any better. It was good to hear from him like I said, it is nice to know that although I wanted to kill him in high school he is okay and over all a fairly tolerable person.

My life has been eventful at best over the last couple of weeks. Wow things are changing. I still have a dream of being with the person that means so much to me but I am now more than ever certain that it isn't going to happen. I hope to take some time to walk and drink a lot of coffee this evening possibly even try to figure all this stuff we call life out. People with plans clearly have no idea what it is like to live with the mercy of God with you. You have to go where He wants you or you will simply be miserable forever. Now I have to go but I have so much more to write. I am not even sure where to begin.