Today I Sailed On

Last night was a different kind of night for me. I didn't really like where it all headed or how it played out in my mind but it was a good thing. There were so many different things that could have taken place once I had a chance to really process but in the end it all ended up strangely peaceful for me. I am still dealing with changing currents that I have called my life for the last few months. I have so many different things set before and yet I don't know which one to pick up and run with. I have so many feelings and there is no real place to put them. I know there will come a time when I will know but when that comes will I be able to deal with them and all that it initials.

At the end of nearly every one of Christopher Columbus' journals that he wrote as he sailed across the ocean to what he believed were the West Indies he would conclude the days problems the phrase today I sailed on. So I took this approach to my day and it really helped me. Today I sailed on. The ship's rudder broke yet today I sailed on, the waves came crashing down but today I sailed on, the winds pushed me off course still today I sailed on, wow how powerful is that. Life is like that I think in many ways. No matter what happens there must be time to sail on and push though. I suppose I'm in a time of pushing but that doesn't make it easy.

So today I walked on. It was not easy and there is still a mix of emotions running around in my head that I am not quite sure how to deal with because I simply refuse to do so yet I know that there will be a time and a place when it will no longer be an option and it will be more or a necessity to deal with them all. I plan on talking to several good friends over the next few days and putting some of this to rest before I go crazy or drive everyone around me crazy in the process.

School has been good for me and allows me a release that I don't get at work or other places. It gives me a chance to remember that I can do anything that I set my mind to if I simply set down and do it will all I have. I am still struggling through this class but it is a good thing and I now know more about accounting than I ever had so here goes nothing.

Have a good day!

A New Low

Today I have hit a new low even for myself. It is hard to explain really but I know I have and those who know me well enough can see it on my face. I have a desire for something that I can't have and that isn't a place that I really want to be at all. I know that there are going to be times when we know what is going on in God's little world but right now I would really like Him to clue me in and do it fast. I am not a good waiter and I need to see if everything is going to work out or if I have simply lost my mind and that is all there is to that. I hate being like this. I am an emotional train wreck at the moment and not really because of all of this but it isn't helping at all at the moment. I can laugh and two seconds later be in tears in anger or frustration and I for some strange reason can't seem to get a hold of it.

Emotionally anguish I guess you would have to call it if nothing else. I know so much yet I feel like I am so little. I am forced to look at my core beliefs and decided what it is that I hold most dear or if I want to walk away from it all and start over. I have to be honest and admit that walking away and starting over seems like the best choice for me at the moment. I know that there are going to be moments when I will crave everything that I have now but I have turned my back on everything I have ever known over the last few weeks and there seems to be more that I need to put behind me now more than ever.

Last night I went to my old high school and stood beside the bleachers as they read my brothers name on what is his last night as a senior band member at Whitko High School and many emotions came running back to me. I once stood in that very line waiting and not wanting to get emotional about what was happening. It marked the beginning of the end of my high school career. I knew that there would be many trials ahead, of course I had already faced so many in the two years prior. So there I stood staring at the old gymnasium and looking up at the band in the place that I once sat and I wanted to cry as I quickly remembered all the good times and all the bad times that took place in that very spot, in that very building, on any day or any night and the countless hours I spent trying to prove myself to all of those people. My emotions took over and it was like I was back there were we once stood and I knew exactly what was going on and I knew exactly where I stood. The faces were different yet amazingly the same. I saw new hands holding the instruments yet could see the emotion on everyone's face. It was the last game for six of those band members I know that although they are excited about the future they are also scared to death about what lies ahead. The next few months will not be easy for them and the transitions will be huge yet they will all be okay.

So I stood there for a while seeing some old teachers who wanted to know what I had decided to do with my life, although I can give them a whole list of my accomplishments so far that didn't seem enough because my answer is really, I have done nothing with my life, I have gone to school and dated around and that is about it. I am not getting married, like so many that I went to school with, I am not in a career, like a traditional college graduate should be, I am not even sure what I am going to be doing tomorrow no less six months or a year from now. I have no idea where I am headed and more importantly I have no idea how on earth I plan to get there. But yet I stood there proud of everything I haven't done because I know that sooner or later I will settle down into what is considered normal and it will all be Okay and no one will think twice about how long it took me to get there.

To add to my flash from the past my roommate from college Bethaney gave me a call today and we talked for an hour about her life and how it is going and how she is enjoying her new found career. I am happy that she is happy but it makes me long for that even more than I already do. She isn't getting married which is nice, I don't mean that to be mean but all of my friends are getting married and it is starting to sting a bit every time I go to a wedding and another person I know is starting their 'happily ever after' and yet I sit here and wait simply to see how things just might play out. Bethaney is wonderful and I may even get to see her next weekend if everything works out like we hope it will.

I have so much more to say but for now I need to sleep. Have a good night everyone.

Steam valve

Writing has become a way for me to let off steam. When I feel myself quickly approaching the boil over point I am able to sit down and write about anything that I want or that is on my mind. The problem is I wonder if I hurt other people by trying to remain controlled and saving it all for here.

Alone

I have never felt so alone and it is hard to express what I am feeling right now.

I feel like no one cares what I say or what I do. No one cares where I go or if I stay here, like my whole world is spinning and I can't seem to find a way to get it to stop. There are many times that I have wondered what on earth I am doing and I have even acted on these pinned up emotions but when they come out they just don't feel like they mean anything to anyone, even me. I put so much time and effort into making sure that I don't feel emotions or that I am able to cover them up that when it is time to face them or let them out before I hurt myself or someone else I panic or in my world worse I express them.

I am a pusher, no surprise there for anyone who has met me. I push away those who I care about and as a result have lost some very close friends. I don't loose them because of who they are I loose them because of what I do when I am around them and how I act. When I feel like someone is getting to close I push and I push hard. The problem with this is that I then get upset with myself and with them when they don't stick around to see that what I said and what I did weren't personal, it was just a form of self protection.

I want someone to love me, hold me, make me feel safe, smile when I come into a room, and care about me. I want someone who knows that what I am saying does not always mean that much and that they need to look into my eyes to see my real emotions. I know that this is asking a lot but it is what I want or for that matter need. I want to be needed and cared for and be the center of the universe for someone special. I don't know how to express these things to others and that makes it very hard for me. I have so many things running through my head at the moment that it is impossible to sort them all out. I DO NOT expect these things to happen over night but still I crave it so. When I am in a room with someone I want to think that I am safe.

**Disclaimer**
I am an emotional bottler. I don't deal with my emotions a daily basis, I simply refuse to do so. I know this isn't healthy and I am really working on it. This a huge growing and painful process for me. Please bare with me for a while.

The Dilemma

There are moments when everything seems very clear cut and there is nothing to worry about when it comes down to it. There are moments when all there seem to be are more questions. I am at one of those moments.

I have started seeking a new relationship and the commitment that it entails. I have met a good guy who seems over all genuine but still I don't really know if I want a relationship now for several reasons.

1. I am not over my last one and still dream of us being able to work through my mistakes.
2. I am moving away from here
3. He already has 3 wonderful boys
---Just so you know it doesn't bother me that he has children or even that he has been married before, what bothers me is the amount of commitment it will take to introduce me to their lives. I don't want to interrupt the life that they have or worse have something happen between me and him and leave them feeling abandoned again.
4. Pure fear
---What if this works out. I have said several times that I want a relationship and a family but this is not quite how I have been picturing it over the last few years. If it does work out what do I do with my plans for Utah, or the dreams that I have set out to achieve. Would I still care or would I always regret letting a 'guy' allow me to change them? I don't know here, it really scares me.
5. What if he finds out about the things that I have done? I don't know if he would understand where I was when they took place.

I know this sounds childish, but there are so many other things going in my mind and in my heart right now that I am still working through. I still feel completely and utterly alone in the world and I am sure that is why this all seems so strange to me. Anyway, I need to go think. There will be more to write later.

A Quote

Today while I was driving and thinking off in my own little world I saw several quotes that were worth remembering as I passed signs:

--Worry is misuse of imagination
This one really hit close to home for me because I am a worrier and that may be the largest understatement ever. I want to over analyze everything that I can and know that it really isn't going to get me anywhere unless I simply make a decision and stick with it. I don't just worry at times I am even able to make myself sick over the possibilities. Wow this was a thought that I pondered for quite sometime. I have to admit that I am not going to quite worrying over all but I am going to work on not worrying as much.

--A Mistake can be just that

--If there are no reasons to say yes then why do we...If there are all the reasons in the world to why don't we.

--Miles are a relative term.

--Even the smallest journey takes faith.

Just some thoughts I picked up for today. I will have more to write later but for now I must go.

NO Title

Today has no title so perhaps that is why I titled it just that. I have had a life changing day and in many ways this is not a good thing but it is nice to have some movement in your life no matter what direction it is in. There are several paths laid out in front of you and you have to choose which one to go down and at the moment I have chosen one that will allow me to continue to redefine my limits, my thoughts, my outlook's, and more importantly my fears. I am not ready to get back to God with everything that is going on in my heart and I still completely and utterly alone and that pain has only gotten worse over the last few days.

I have no idea what I am going to do on the path that I am currently on. I am however sure that there are going to be times in the imitate future that I disappoint those who mean the most to me and those who have looked up to me even when I didn't know that they were. This will be the hardest part by far and facing those fears that I have chosen to keep inside will hurt not only me I am afraid. There are so many others that will be directly affected.

I am still alone and I am still afraid, and for now today was just another day, but then again so is tomorrow.

Tears

Tears fell down my face today as I sat and really thought about where I find myself at the moment. There are times in life when you need to go over the 'checklist' that you have prepared for yourself even if you don't know its there. The list of things that you want, the dreams that you have, the hope for the future, the goals that you have reached, the ones you still have to strive for and pretty much anything else that pops into your mind at the time.

I cried and cried and cried and cried, did I mention I cried. I was just so stressed out and needed the cry and it was wonderful. And now I have to figure out what to do with it. More to come I'm sure.

Where to go from here

The last few days have not been pleasant for me. A couple of days ago I had a long conversation with my cousin that gave me some stuff to think about even if I wasn't listening to her at the time in question (see Staci I do listen from time to time). I even saved the conversation for reference later because I knew that she really believed what she was saying even if I wasn't willing to listen to her at the time. Here are a few quotes...

Julia says:

I just feel so alone and I don't mean in a relationship sense...Sarah is getting married and has moved away, elaina is getting married and has moved away, eric is gone because I, for the first time really reached and put everything i had on the line,

Julia says:

bryan is getting married, it is just hard to be the last one at everything and right now that is exactly what i am

Staci says:

I know it's hard to see...but maybe God's trying to get you to truly fall in love with Him first before he brings things that could take your heart also...and the only way you may see it is if He strips everything else away for a while

Staci says:

I speak those words from experience

Julia says:

staci, i don't want to see it

Julia says:

im not jumping into a relationship, let me make that clear, but i don't want to be alone any more, i know god is there but that's not what i mean, i just want someone to give a crap about me

Staci says:

there are many people who do give a crap about you...look at the people who have stuck with you through high and low times. I know you don't want to see it, and I can't make you...you have to do it on your own...

Staci says:

and I know you may not want to hear the "God junk" and I understand that...but I really believe everything we go through is for the purpose of drawing us closer to God...and the fact you are feeling so alone and like no one gives a crap...well maybe God sees something in your heart reflecting those emotions between you and him.

This was just a piece of what we said to one another. There are so many ways that my mind has been going over the last few weeks that this is just the beginning. As for where to go from here, I think it would be best to sit back an look at some of this objectively.

Conversations

I have had 2 path altering conversations in the past 2 days and they have been a good thing, I think. I have spent several hours over the last week in tears about life in general. I have never felt so alone in all my life. I am sure I will have more to say later. Everyone have a good night.

Yesterday

Yesterday I wrote a long post and then it didn't get published which in retrospect may be a good thing, at least for me. Some of the things that I said in it were not nice and could have easily hurt people that they were said about. To be honest I even named names of people who have hurt me or that I feel like don't care nearly as much as they say they do. Today I will keep my post short and not go into the detail and the emotions that I allowed myself to get into yesterday that is for sure.

Church tonight was different to say the least but it was still good. I will have more to say later but for now I need to take a break.

Defining moments

I'm not sure how often you should have a defining moment in life but there are several that I see in the not so distant future for me and they scare me because in many ways they will change the direction I am headed and what tools I will need to get there.

1. To find a special someone and settle down or remain single and forgo the whole 'family' thing
2. Career, career, career...I have spent several and by that I mean 5 in all now and quickly approaching 6 years in school and still am struggling to find something that I know I will love.
3. Truth, how do I explain everything as truthfully as possible and not get hurt in the long run.
4. Do I stay or do I go? The question so simple yet so very complex for me. There is so much at stake here and I know that I could be happy there.

The one moment that I have already had is letting go. It hurt and even as I write about it I sit here and cry. The relationship that I have tried to hold onto for so long is now gone and I will never have it again. I drew my lines and stood my ground and lost it all. I knew that could happen, I really did, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. The person that I could so easily have seen myself marrying is now out of my life and contact has been completely ended for the time being. I am sure that over time things will slowly change back to what we had before now.

1000 words

A picture is worth 1000 words or so they say so what is a feeling or emotion worth? I have to wonder. How much can I tie up with simple emotions.

Amazing

Today my thought is just a worship chorus:

Amazing, Amazing, I can't believe what You've done for me
Amazing, Amazing, Your love amazes me.

No place to start

There are so many times that when you look over a situation that you find yourself in there is really no place to start. There is no place to draw lines and there is no place to say, ah this is how my journey here began. It is hard for me to see where my story began that ultimately ended up in this week. There is no need to really elaborate because it is nothing if not complicated.

I have a story to be told but no way to really tell it. So until I have a beginning and an ending I think I will simply keep it to myself.

Wow

Today in church it was awesome even though I didn't really move or respond a whole lot I loved what Pastor Cox had to say about thing that are going on. He spent most of the night talking about commitment and how families teach their children to hold things such as the church as important things in their lives. If a mother and a father are not willing to pray with their child or are not willing to seek help when it is needed then the children will now learn these things either and eventually they will not have these values themselves and will struggle to find their place when they are on their own. I know that I just did the message no justice whatsoever but trust me it was good.

It really gave me some things to think about and pray about and really start to define some of my own limits. This is going to be a real task over the next few months because I don't know where for sure I am going to draw them. Transition is a difficult place to be to say the least and I know that the next little while I will defining my commitment more and more.

Eric wrote some very interesting stuff today that I really appreciated and was right up my alley as far as things I need to hear. He is changing with everyday of school and I love how honest he can be about the things that he is dealing with. It is amazing how even though I have known him since I was 12 and he was 11 we are in such a difficult place in both out lives for two different reasons. I want nothing more than to be completely honest with him about everything yet I really can't not right now because of where I am really sitting spiritually and emotionally. He has been there through so much but this one time I need to deal with this all alone then go to him and tell him how I feel. I don't want to live in the past and I have no intention of doing so which I think is why I found his writing so pivotal today.

Today was a good day and tomorrow will be better. Back to school on Thursday but you win some you loose some, and in all honesty accounting can't be as bad as econ.

And it snowed

So last night was a long night and now I am 100% confined to my house until we get the drive way cleaned up. I can't even get out of my parking space. It is a bit overwhelming. Last night it just snowed and didn't stop for a long while. I did get to talk to Eric for a while but not a long while so it was nice to just stand outside and smile and chat with him. I love that boy, I don't think I can say that enough or perhaps I say it to much.

There are so many different things that need to be said that I don't know how to say. This is a good thing and it will allow me the time to really get the wording and the approach right.

Although I am disappointed about not being able to go away this weekend it has been good for me to just take some time for me. I don't do that real often and it really is nice. I have two more days to waist and I'm loving every minute of it. I don't like being trapped at home with a brother who can't drive anywhere because he managed to total mom's car but it is okay. As long as we try not to spend to much time in the same room it will all work out to be okay.

So I will be around all day tomorrow but I don't know where exactly I will be. I am also thinking that in the not so distant future I am going to go see Nina for a couple of days since she moved away. That seems to be a theme for single people in my church...Moving away. There really isn't anything here for us and that doesn't make staying any easier. So I am going to do stuff all night, I don't know what all 'stuff' is but it will no doubt be good for me.

Survey says

So we just found out that the car that Kyle wrecked yesterday is totaled. That's right my mom's Buick has bit the dust and now we start the ever popular search for a new car and figure out what on earth we are going to do with the old one.

It will be an even longer weekend than I thought...sigh.

So today

Today I walked and walked and walked then when I was done walking alone, I came home and sat alone and it was wonderful. There were so many moments where I was honestly thinking about nothing at all and I loved every minute of it. There was peace and joy the same as I just walked.

I am sure I will have more to write later but for now I must say Good-bye.

Changes of plans

As it snows more and more, I am stuck here in Indiana which is not where I had planned on being to say the least. I expected to well on my way to a place where it is warmer and my old friends are close at hand, yet here I sit in my mom's kitchen on my computer completely ticked off about the whole situation.

These last few days have been difficult to say the least. Between poor decision making on my part, feeling abandoned by friends, and needing that relationship to get started it has been a bit bumpy. So now I have a 4 day weekend to waist and I plan on doing just that. I plan on sleeping in to late and not caring, I plan on eating junk food and not worry about calories, and most importantly I plan to take some time just for me to work on putting into order some of the issues that I have on my heart.

Today I read a blog about taking things too personally when it comes to friendships and such. I do take it personally that Bryan won't listen to me and think about what he is doing to his life while attempting to spend it with a girl who is out to break his heart. I do take it personally that he isn't willing to think that the pain I feel is justified and understandable. I do take it personally that Eric isn't willing to consider something that is right in front of him. I do take it personally that he is so sure his parents wouldn't accept a girl because of the way she looks, it does hurt. And more importantly I take it personally when members of my own family are set that the choices that I am making in my own life are the wrong ones and aren't willing to take the time to listen to what I have to say and why I am choosing the things that I am choosing.

So tomorrow I will take a walk in the snow and think. Then I will sit around and think about what it was that I took time to walk and think about. This will still be the long weekend that I was so looking forward to, the problem is it simply won't be in the same location that I wanted it to be in. Oh well such is life.

The next few days

The next few days are going to be wonderful for me. I am headed off for a few days and you won't be able to reach me, so don't try. Econ is over woohoo and now I have 7 days to do as I please and I plan to make the best of them. Have a good weekend.

Homework

Homework isn't a pleasant thing yet it is a necessary evil. So I will be here tied to my computer for the next several hours.

Two Days later

It is 2 days later and I still can't stop thinking about the things that I witnessed on Saturday night. The hurt and the pain that my close friend is experiencing and for the most part is completely unaware is taking place. I have cried, prayed, and even begged God to open his eyes to this unfairness that has over taken his life.

I have sat in shock and I have been in complete denial for the most part about some of the stuff that took place yet I know that I am loved. Not in a relationship sense but in a I have a cousin who loves me, friends who genuinely care about me, and a life that although it has hit some speed bumps along the way will be okay.

Tonight I will pray for all of my friends and family especially those who do not know God and wonder around facing things that are not necessary.

Hurt

Last night a was a painful night for me. Eric picked me up shortly after 6 and we went off to see our friend Bryan and talk to him about his current choice of relationship. We both care deeply for Bryan and I can honestly say that I have been disgusted with the way he has chosen to go about his dating life. The girl that he has had a crush on has done nothing but break his heart and kill his emotions and from where I stand this is the last thing that he needs. There are enough other issues in his life at the moment that a new girlfriends, who either doesn't care or has a very strange way of showing it, isn't what he needs or even deserves.

For quite a while it was just the three of us hanging out because Michelle, the new girlfriend, bailed out when she found out that I would be coming into town as well. There were a few opportunities to ask Bryan why he is choosing the things that he is and strangely enough he really didn't have an answer to any of it. We chatted for quite a long time then decided to see if we could get a hold of Michelle and see if we could in fact meet up with her at Applebee's for a while and just hang out and talk. This was important to me because I wanted to finally meet Michelle and see if the things the Bryan himself had described to me were in fact as he said, and much to my own dismay they were even worse than I had thought.

We all had drinks, except Eric who had ice tea, but nothing to heavy. I had a strawberry daquori, Bryan had 2 beers, Michelle had a smoothie type drink, and Joe, who I will explain in a minute had 2 beers but we clearly over his limit before the night got to far underway. We all sat around and chatted but Joe was different, he is the reason that Michelle can't seem to give Bryan the love that he deserves. Michelle and Joe have been friends for years and that is great and they even dated for what appears to be a fairly long time. Joe spent the entire night attacking Bryan and Eric directly but seemed to stay away from me and the things that I had to say. The word for him I would have to say is jerk and that is the nicest one that I can come up with. Between the fact that he used the f-word every chance he got and the fact he made off color, at best, jokes about Eric and Bryan and the things that they do he wasn't winning any points with anyone at the table.

What made this trip out for drinks ever worse was the fact that while Eric and I were trying to watch how Bryan and Michelle interact with each other she in choose to ignore the fact Bryan was even there and spent all of her time talking to Joe and whispering into his ear about different things that were apparently not good enough for the rest of the table to hear. This whole process sent Bryan back to being a 5 year-old kid trying to get mommy's attention and get someone to pay attention to him and what he was doing, and from where I sat this was painful to watch.

I love Bryan, I really do no matter how angry he makes me at times and I want him to be happy and smile and enjoy his life yet he seems to feel this need to self distrust that no one can get through to him that needs to stop. Today I hurt for Bryan and the things that I witnessed last night and the pain that will follow. My heart breaks that the lost feel this need to hurt themselves, nearly convincing themselves that this is the way that it needs to be. The world that they live in isn't worthy of showing them love and they simply accept that.

I am so thankful that I am no longer lost and that I know the truth even if I choose not to follow it at times. Today with tearful eyes and a broken heart for a dear friend, I thank God I am no longer there.

There is a great piece written about last night on Eric's sight if you would like to read it. www.ericbradley.com

Regret

Regret is a strange thing...

Often times you know that you are going to regret doing something before you even do it. You know what you are about to say is going to hurt the person you say it to yet you go ahead and say it anyway. You know the action that you are about to take part in is wrong and yet you do it anyway. It is strange to think that there are so many times that you know 100% that you will regret what you are doing and yet we continue to do so.

So here I sit looking over my life relizing how much regret I have really built up. Sigh...

Hey baby its cold outside

Man it is cold. It is hard to believe that it was 60 degrees here a few days ago..Actually 3 days ago and now we are hovering near zero. There was an avalanche in my beloved Utah today where it is expected that several people have died and that doesn't make it any easier to think about. My cousin was worried about me and I love that about her. I'm not even in Utah but because she couldn't figure out where I was because I hadn't seen or talked to her in a few days she actually had concern for me. So even as I sit here cold, I know that I am loved.

So

Here I am at 11:05 trying to find something to express what is going on inside and yet I really can't. I know that there are feeling that are building up and I know that I don't like them so much yet here I am trying to define what what they are.

Old Times

There are things that are old when we think about them. They are vast in range yet seem so simple. Sunday night while standing on the platform of my church praise singing as I have several times before I realized that I don't have the same drive that many of the old time hymn writers had.

Amazing grace how sweet the sound....
When we all get to heaven....
Out from under the shadows....
Come on and walk on the water with me....

The most power songs are not the contemporary ones that we all know and sing but those that tell a story of how they came to be.

Today I spent a whole lot of time thinking, which I am starting to think (hahaha) was a bad idea. I am going to make some final decisions about my future in the next 48 hours so if you read this...Pray.

hmmm...

Today was a strange day for me. Trying to find a way to open up yet getting nowhere so fast that it nearly drove me nuts. I know that there are times when it is right to open up and show that 'human' side of myself yet today appears to be one of those days that it is not that time.

Sleep

Yes I got up and went to church today and I slept a lot yesterday and already had a nap today. This whole being an adult thing very tiring. Well I am off to take, more than likely, another nap.

Do I have any issues

Wow what a question! Yet the answer is an amazingly simple YES!

There are many things in my life that I know are issues including my ability to turn off my emotions and feelings whenever I feel that someone is getting to close to me or could possibly be figuring out who I am and what I stand for. Whenever I feel someone get that close I shut everything off so that ultimately I can't get hurt because I won't let them in.

If live were so easy that I won't ever get hurt I would think that I was the luckiest person alive, yet even with all my attempts to keep myself from getting hurt I end up hurting myself even more. By protecting myself from various forms of attachment and emotional connection I get upset when I am unable to express my emotions to someone who I really care about. I am not just referring to my best friend, although that is a prime example of protecting myself so that I don't get hurt. If he doesn't know how I really feel and what I am really thinking then the pain that I feel is simply my own fault and there is no way to blame others for it. I don't get nearly as upset when I am hurting myself and then no one else can really really hurt me along the way.

I also fear that in many ways I don't deserve to be happy and I don't deserve to feel safe when I am with someone. I know that I feel safe when I am with Eric even at 2 am driving home from Fort Wayne silently in the dark. I can sit in silence and not worry about what he is thinking or about what may come from the conversations that I have with him. He doesn't judge me no matter how many opportunities he has and I can honestly say that when I talk to him I feel happy and safe, and I now wonder if this is part of the reason I can't tell him how I feel. I don't believe that I am worthy of feeling or being either of those things.

There are so many issues that it is hard to even think about putting them all into writing I would be here all day and even then I would have not even begun to work my way through some of the rather strange things that I feel inside and the way that I choose to interact when I am with a group of people or more importantly alone with any one person. I know that I feel safe when I am with my cousin and I can tell her anything and she will not judge me and I hope she feels the same with me because I want nothing more than for her to have all of the things that I don't. I love that she is in love and I love that she is beautiful and I love that she is my cousin. I miss her so much and can't believe that we came out of the same bloodline mainly because even though we both have our issues she is the best thing to happen to me and to this family, even if they don't want to admit it, in an entire generation.

Today has been a thinking day, in case you couldn't tell. Have a good day.

Cold, Colder, Coldest

Today I am freezing and there is nothing I can do about it. I have to do all the same junk everyday and then don't a bit of recognition for it. I am just frustrated that is all.

No real title

Last night I had a wonderful conversion with Eric, that was needed to help me regain a grip on reality and the things that I am facing at the moment. The conversation revolved around opportunities, priorities, and timing of how things are slowly starting to fall into place. There were many humorous quotes that came up though out the evening some from me and some from him and it was good to get a chance to just laugh again.

I miss him so much and he has no idea, or at least that is what I choose to believe. He knows that I care and would love to have him in my life on a more regular basis, yet I wonder if that is the right thing to do. It has been hard trying to find out what where I really want this to go.

There seem to be several songs playing on the radio about looking for love and the whole time it is right in front of you. I feel more and more that it could be happening. I have said before that I love him and I guess a better way to word it is I was infatuation with him and those feelings have lead to a change of heart and have over time turned into love and now I find myself struggling to express that to him more and more.

I'm reminded of a song that I have heard several times over the last few days...

Somebody in the next car,
Somebody on the morning train,
Somebody in the coffee shop that you walk by everyday,
Somewhere out there is somebody.

Ewwww

Today's weather is miserable at best. It is an all out ice storm which makes driving more fun than it should be allowed to be. I will write more later.

Today's Lesson

Today I learned that I shouldn't answer my phone unless I think I might know who is going to be on the other end of the line. So I got called into work when I was really wanting to take some time to just be, and think. Not that I haven't had the opportunity to do so over the last couple of weeks, yet I felt as though I needed more. I know that throughout life there will be plenty of opportunities to sit and think about things, but I don't think we take advantage of them enough.

I know that there are so many time we don't use time to our advantage and that is frustrating. I have a whole lot to say here, yet no way to say it. Sigh....

The Day

I knew when I moved in here 9 days ago that I wouldn't be able to stay forever yet I really want to. I haven't been back out to my mom's house since I moved up here and don't really want to return.

Although it will be nice in interact with something other than the dog on a nightly basis, I know that in a few days I will be so annoyed that I will want to live alone again and keep it that way. I'm fairly certain that living alone will have its perks in the not so distant future.

Man I've gotta clean this place up. Have a good day, perhaps a new post tonight.

A Change

This last week has been full of changes for me not just one thing impartiality but many smaller changes that are not the easiest things to process when you are me. I am an over-thinker and if I didn't overanaylize things most people would be shocked if nothing more.

First of all a new year started which is a perfect opportunity to think about the things that have happened in your life, world events, and priorities. A new year wouldn't be right unless you think about the armed forces overseas, the horrible tsunami that hit Asia just one day after Christmas, the death of President Reagan, the hurricanes that ravished the south east over the last season, the end of Saddam Hussein's rule in Iraq, and many other 'big' stories that have crossed the media over 2004. It is amazing to watch and impossible for most of us to comprehend. I pray for everyone that these things touched.

My new job is something that I am starting to reconsider more and more. After spending an evening with Bryan and Eric on Thursday and getting to see Nolan on Wednesday, I have started to notice that I have many friends here that care about me. Watching Nolan care for his very sick wife, Jenn, gave me a chance to think about how much I want to come clean with the person that I care about it yet even when I stood in a room with him I couldn't do it. Bryan made me laugh and laugh and then laugh some more. It was a late night yet it was fun to just 'hang' out with old friends that I don't get to see nearly as often as I would like. Sitting at Bryan's house late into the night laughing and occationally talking seriously with friends was wonderful. Listening to Eric talk about his heightening sense of awareness when it comes to Biblical issues. It was also nice to get to see him smile again and talk about life and other misc. Issues that came up throughout the night. The drive home was nice too although I had forgotten that he really does live on the other side of the world, okay it is just the other side of the county but when driving there it seems to be the other side of the world.

When I attend church services is something else that I am really weighing out which isn't going to be easy for me or for the people that I am close to at my correct church, I have after all been there for over 7 years, yet I am getting the impression more and more that it is time for me to move on. Brittany and Anna will not take it will, which is funny to be because I am thinking about the 6 and 8 year old instead of the adults that I deal with it. I haven't made this decision final yet and I don't plan on jumping into something until I have really thought it out completely.

Tonight is my last night housesitting, yet over the last week and a half I have remembered why I want to live alone so bad. Misty has been a really good dog, that I have only had to correct every day. I have had a hot tub and an internet connection that has been wonderful yet when I get home I will once again go back to the old fashion dial up set up and that is okay I suppose. Now I have to do some laundry and dishes and then start to clean this house up more and play with the dog. Have a good day.

Happy New Year

This is a new start where I take time to sit back and really think. I have some huge choices to make over the next few weeks and until I get them completely sorted it my posts here will be short at best.

A new prospective

Today I went to see a friend who's wife is the hospital again which doesn't make it easy for anyone, yet they have no insurance, and no real reasoning for what is going on in their lives but they have amazing peace. Jennifer Morse today had her entire large intestine taken out of her body in an attempt to ease some of the pain that she is currently facing.

My week hasn't been so great yet I am overall healthy. I am not laying in a hospital bed waiting to hear what has been wrong for me, and I wonder why someone with such strong faith has fallen ill whereas a person like me who is full of doubt is generally healthy. God never ceases to amaze me.

A great day

Today was a day that took me back to the way things used to be. I spent the day in Indianapolis with my old college roommate and our best friend. I will write more about it sometime tomorrow. Good night, now I sleep.

There are nights

Last night was rough, I struggled to sleep. I hope to be okay.

Christmas #24

This was my 24th Christmas ever. It is hard to think that I am 23 now and have been around for so long.

Christmas Eve was spent with my dads parents which I always a rough experience for me because we have so many different points of view when it comes to life and how it should be lived. We left their house after 1130 and they are now headed back to their home in Florida which they are really looking forward to because of the recent wave of less than desirable temperatures and snow here. I can tell that I have gotten older because now I want practical gifts over things that would be more 'fun.' Can opener, mixer, toaster and other misc. Kitchen supplies were the majority of my gifts from them. I also got a couple of DVD's that I had requested which will be nice when I have free time again.

Christmas day was good, I slept and opened gifts at home which I had purchased all of myself except one so it was nice to have one gift that I didn't know that I had. Then the day at my mom's parents where I got gift cards, luggage set and crock pot, all things that are practical as well. I got to spend quite a bit of time with my cousin Lexy, which I loved and she makes me smile. She doesn't want me to leave which doesn't make make it any easier for me.

For the next few days I will be at my aunt and uncles house babysitting their dog, Misty. It will be a nice break from all the crap.

Christmas With Family

Wow today was a long day and only a few people who read this will understand the fact that there are times when my family never ceases to amaze me. I will right more tomorrow.

Time

Time is shorter today than it has been on other days. It is the first day of winter and the weather shows it quite nicely.

So cold

As the weather in northern Indiana changes it is hard to Ignore that fact that going outside is a 10 plus minute endeavor in an attempt to not freeze to death. It is bitter cold as it often gets this time of year here. So I am shivering and cold and out right grouchy. I will write later. Have a good night.

Sigh

Yesterday was one of those days where you think....what on earth am I doing.

The Saturday before Christmas and here I sat waiting to get into mall so that I could purchase a last minute gift for my aunt could give it to here grandson. It was a long wait to find a parking space and not even a good one at that. I walked through the lot to the mall doors only to walk into more craziness which made for a long walk around to the store that I needed to go to so that I could make this purchase. I did find the gift that she desired for him and then decided to look around since I was already in the mall to see if there was anything else that I thought we could use for those that we still don't have gifts for. I was unsuccessful in finding anything to add to our Christmas collection. I did however sit and watch people for a while just to blow off some steam.

I watched as the walked by with no smiles on their faces and the look of last minute panic on their faces. The coldness of the each person as they ran from store to store it made me wonder if they even know why this season exists. Jesus was born, or at least that is what we celebrate on December 25, so that He could die for the fallen man which isn't easy to swallow when you really thinking about it. I wonder how much pain I cause God when I do the things that I do and how much it must hurt Him because I simply continue to do so. There are times that I sin and don't think anything about it till later but more often than no I know what I am doing wrong and simply don't care or choose to care about what I am doing.

As I look toward this Christmas there are many things to be thankful for including the fact that I am moving in six months and I am excited and can't wait to get this started. I have a wonderful cousin that I care the world about and am so blessed to finally get a chance to get to know. I have always known that she is a great girl but now I know it for sure and I love her more than I think that she even knows. I have some wonderful friends that mean the world to me and I can't imagine my life without them. I have a great church and it will be hard to leave it when it is all said and done, even when their are times that I can't wait to leave all of the gossip, I know that they love me there and yet my seat will be filled with someone else quickly once I leave. I have found the love of my life and I know it for sure yet I know that he will not be one I marry which is even harder to swallow right now (this could change but only time will tell on both our parts). I have a family that drives me crazy to say the least yet no matter what I do I am stuck with them forever. I am thankful that I know Christ and I know what He did for me and although I have hurt Him on countless occasions He is still my God and He gives me grace a mercy even though I don't deserve it.

So as I look toward this holiday I have to remember that this is it for me here in Indiana unless something huge were to change in the next six months, yet knowing the God I know this could happen because He has one funny sense of humor about things like that.

Drained

I am sure that in the next few days I will have a 'real' update for this thing but it will not be tonight.

No idea where to start

Today was horrible and I don't even know where to start. I am tired and getting to the point where I get mean...perhaps this will be a better topic for Friday.

Bryan

There are many ways to describe Bryan but for those who know him the best way to do it is that he is just Bryan...

Tonight I talked to Bryan for nearly two hours and it was funny and great and I hope this relationship works out like he deserves it too. He loves that girl and for that I am happy yet she seems set on playing games with his heart and it hurts me to see that.

We talked about everything...literally. Even things that I won't come close to talking about on here. We laughed, he drank which is fine with me. There many subjects covered including his fathers illness and how he really wants to have a sense of humor about it all. There are going to be times over this next year that it is going to hurt more than he can stand and I want to be there for him and help him through this transition.

I miss his completely inappropriate jokes and off color comments about just about anything that he can come up with yet it makes for some good laughs in the long run. If you would have told me once I graduated high school that I would have any contact with Bryan I would have laughed because we spent most of the time together trying to avoid each other. Still now he has really grown up and I can appreciate him for who he is trying to become.

Wow Bryan has made some good memories over the last few months if only he knew. Laughing, crying, and just talking which has been wonderful. I can't wait to talk to him again.

A change of heart

Today was a rough day for me. As of late I have fallen quite ill and have had to deal with a lot of 'stuff' that I have had pinned up inside. I know that there are going to be days, weeks, and even months that do not go as smoothly as we would hope.

I have let go of all of my dreams and given them to God. For years now I have had a picture perfect idea of how things were supposed to play out and as time goes on I am finally starting to realize that, those things that I had set out for myself are not always what God wants. Just because God doesn't answer doesn't mean He don't care, has been a line that has played over and over again in my head.

Today I sat alone for a very long while as per my own request. I am in love with everything and that is harder to deal with than I ever thought possible. I am in love with a person who doesn't love me and although I have tried to get over him or get past it, it has not come easy. I have thought of several different ways to get over what all has happened over the last few months, including going back to a guy that I dated semi-long-term while I was in college. I know that he loves me, he tells me every time he calls to see how I am doing, yet I also know that our choice to call the relationship off was the right one for the two of us. I still long for that relationship, to be held, hugged, kissed, and told that I am beautiful and I don't have it. I wonder where the next few months will take me as far as relationships are considered but I know that it will be okay no matter what now.

As I stare a move straight in the eyes it has not gotten any easier to deal with, yet I will deal with it and I will make it. I know that there is still time to change my mind but in many ways I feel like I would be a disappointment if I chose to do so. I do not want to disappoint the family and my friends yet if the right person or job would come my way then I would give it all up to follow suit. I would change my 'life plan' in order to fall in love and I may go forward with it if I don't find love here. There is so much more to say but it will have to wait for a later time.

Christmas

So Christmas is quickly approaching and many are setting their way out for their breaks from school, but I don't get to do that anymore. I haven't felt real great here lately so I am off to bed.

Random

Life is random at best.

You do stuff all the time but then you realize that it is life and it makes stuff seem so strange.

When the time comes

"When the time comes to move on it will be harder than you ever thought possible Julia. There will still be tears and there will be heartache and it will never be easy but some days will be better than others and it will ultimately okay. It will be okay I promise and no matter what you will always have me. Good-bye, Julia, I will always remember your friendship and I love you."

These are words that I heard today as a long time friendship left my life for a long time. There are times that it is hard to realize that I am in fact 23 years old now and that I have to take a different paths than those who I have known for so long. As one of best friends left it was hard to sit and face it. Many of the people that I consider friends are now married or soon will be and that is hard when I sit here as single as I ever have been and don't even have a real prospect on a relationship. I have looked for love in all of the wrong ways and that hurts to every time that it doesn't work out.

I don't think that we are no longer friends and I don't think that we have left each others lives forever yet it hurts to see my friends move on with their lives and here I sit stagnant. Still living with my mom which is a disgrace to everyone around me. I have people who look up to me and consider me a role model who see that once I went to school I came home and did nothing with my life and still need to accomplish things. I have made new friends along the way one being Alan, who I go to school with now. We met when I was in Salt Lake one time it was great, he is the only face that I have to go along with my current degree endeavors. Some day there will be many other faces to go along with his but until then it is what I have.

It is hard to see where I am going to end up or exactly how I get there and there will be many more 'new' friends along the way and possibly reconnecting with some old ones as time goes on but until then I will sit here and wait to see what is going to happen in the future. So I end this post just like I started it:

"When the time comes to move on it will be harder than you ever thought possible Julia. There will still be tears and there will be heartache and it will never be easy but some days will be better than others and it will ultimately okay. It will be okay I promise and no matter what you will always have me. Good-bye, Julia, I will always remember your friendship and I love you."

Its gonna snow

At work today you would think that it was the first time that people living in northern Indiana were going to have to deal with a snow storm. That's right its going to snow but there is no reason to freak out. There will be groceries when the roads get plowed and as long as you slow down you will be able to come get them. We are open 24 hours a day until Christmas Eve when we close at 6pm but we reopen promptly at 6 am on the 26th so it is not the end of the world.

Wow some people never stop amazing me.

Today, that's all I have to say

Today was a lazy day in my world and since they don't come around so often I took full advantage of it. I slept in late, until 10 am which made the rest of my day seem very short to say the least. I laid around and read for a while and thought about things that I really needed to think about. Went to church and taught my 3, 6-9 year-olds that showed up and came home. It was wonderful and I can honestly say that I didn't really do an darn thing.

I have taken steps to be more open with people around me and it has not come easily for me. To show them what I am really feeling instead of what I want them to think that I am feeling. It is so much easier to simply hide behind what I think they want to see rather than be emotional and honest with them.

Excitement has started to overcome me as I look toward the future and what it has to offer me. There is no way to completely express the joy that I have. I am ready and I am sure and that is harder than I ever thought it would be. When you are sure there seem to be little insignificant things that keep you held back even when you so desperately want to move forward. There are a million reasons to be happy and yet often we find the one reason to be sad. For me that reason is that I will be leaving so much here that I want so desperately to hold onto. Even with all the junk that goes on around here it is still home and no matter if I like it or not these people are still my family, even with all the flaws.

The hardest thing for me to leave here will be my best friend Eric and my church. Eric will be hard because he has no idea how I really feel about him and I have no intentions of telling him. I wish I had the courage to do so but there seems to be so much holding me back. I talk to his best friend often about this mystery person and I am fairly certain that Bryan knows exactly who I am talking about but doesn't want to say anything. To me it is so clear that it could be a wonderful thing but I don't know if I have the courage to cross the bridge. My church although I often get frustrated or upset with the things that go on there it is still my church and there isn't anything that I can do about it. I know that there are many other churches out there but there aren't any that are going to be just like this one and I am sure that it will always hold a very special place in my heart.

So now I continue my journey forward and it is still a one step at a time process that will take several months now to complete.

Laughing

Last night I laughed and it was wonderful to just chat and crack up. We laughed over memories and stupid things that would never happen but it was wonderful. I have so much to say but not enough time to say it.

Today was my cousin Lexy's 10th birthday and it was nice to see her. I love that little girl and I love her brother too and wish I could see them more. Well it is late. Have a good night. A longer post to come.

There are days that it is just that easy

Just after midnight my phone rang and of course since I was up I answered it. And much to my surprise it was my roommate from college. We talked well into the morning hours and I enjoyed all of it. I will write more about it later. Have a great night

OH NO

Have you ever been sitting in the car driving down the road when you suddenly remember all the things that you needed to complete and now you have no time to actually get them done...that is where I am. More to follow.

Finding the words

There are so many times that I have so much to say but have no way to express it in written form. I fear that tonight may be one of those nights.

I have put myself out there and it hurts to know that now I must be the one who is waiting and understanding no matter what the end result may be. Today I have been all over the map emotionally. I could blame it on any number of things but I won't. I know that there is a point when you must be broken in order to get where you need to be and to see why some things have played out the way that they have.

There is so much internal fog right now that it is hard to give myself some form of direction. I am sure that it will be okay and that in the end all will be fine but the path to get there seems to be the one that is going to hurt the most.

The letter of complete honesty...Wow this was hard

First and foremost I am writing this because I consider you such a valuable friend and I feel as though I can no longer continue on as if nothing has happened between us when in fact it has. I knew that the transition back to being ‘just friends’ would not be easy yet it has proven even harder than I planned for it to be, for me.

I realize that we only dated for about six weeks but in those six weeks our friendship and the way that I feel about you changed. Not changed as in the value of you in my life or changed in the way that I feel when you walk into a room or log on for a short chat, yet it has changed. I have spent the last several months trying to pretend that it didn’t but it did. I can not pinpoint the exact moment in which I realized that it had happened but now I know for sure that it did.

There is no reason for me to continue on like it hasn’t. I fell head over heals for you which in all honesty I never expected. I figured it would just be a nice way to get to spend more time with you. Not that my heart would love your smiles, your laugh, long pointless walks, simply hanging out and being comfortable with someone that I care about.

The night that you first kissed me was different than any other night. My heart melted, like it never had before, and I am still trying to figure out why. I know this may seem very strange to you but having known you for as long as I have made it seem even stranger to me to be falling for you.

There are so many other words that seem to need to be said here but finding them is fleeting. I have noticed that even when you piss me off, I want you in my life. The fact you can’t commit, you don’t know where you are headed, and you have no idea how you plan to get there make me smile because then I know that you are being honest with me.

I fear being this honest with you may strain our friendship but I honestly feel that it is the only way to keep myself sane. I have heard from several people that things were different when I was around you and how I felt showed every time someone, no matter who it was mentioned you. For me you will be the one who got away and the one who stole my part of my heart.

In My Heart Always,

Julia M. Wright

Dear...

You have touched my life in ways that aren't even explainable and in a few short weeks I will leave forever. I will never tell you face to face how I feel or what is going on inside my head and heart yet I will leave and be forced to wonder what may have been, what could have been, and what could have happened if I would have just trusted my gut. It is hard to say that there is no way that I will ever know what may have come from what I felt deep inside, yet I will walk away and smile.

There are those times

There are those times that you deal with the hand the you are dealt in life.

I have never been good at dealing with what I am given. I know that God is great and has everything under control but it is hard to say that this is the way that it is going to stay. I know that it is okay, no matter what I may so or how I may act I know that He does. Today I found one post from a friend that really struck close to home. You can read it at www.ericbradley.com it is interesting and deals with issue that I think we all deal with at many times in our lives.

Just Be

There are days where you just need to be. Today is one of those days and it has been wonderful.

Conversations

Tonight was interesting at best. There are times that a light hearted conversation is all you need to really start to think about things. I love Bryan and it is so great that he has found a girl that seems to be exactly what he needs. He has fallen in love and it is wonderful. He didn't even need to say it I could tell just by the way he talks about her and the smile that I knew was on his face.

Bryan and I talked a whole lot about just about everything under the sun. But mainly a huge guessing game about who I have fallen for and whether or not he know him. We had several good laughs about it all and it was hard not to tell him but when it is time for him to know then he will. It is hard for everyone around me right now to know what is going on in my head yet not being able to express it completely.

I am exposed to more people today than I was a week ago. This week has been a week of apologies and corrections. There have been many times that it would have been easier to give up and let this whole thing go but yet I can't. I am working my way through many of my new and old friends one by one expressing my gratitude for their friendship that they have given to me that I have not given back.

Wednesday is a busy lazy day for me. I have quite a list of things to do.

1. Get new tires
2. Get oil changed
3. Order bridesmaid dress
4. Shopping at Kohl's, Old Navy, Lane Bryant
5. Possibly go out with friends

So I will be busy but around.

Who would miss me

Today I sat and thought about a lot. One thought that kept running through my head is who would miss me if I were to disappear today.

There aren't that many people who miss me when I am gone. I have thought that there would be an void in their lives and have no idea who it would be. I would like to think that I can affect people and that there are those who in some way would not have the same life if I wasn't here. I thought about the people that I have touched and how dishonest I have been with so many. I thought about where on earth I would be if I had continued down that path. I know that many have forgive me for the mistakes that I now call my past but would they miss me. Would they miss my presence? Would they even really know I was gone? It is hard to say. There are those that would in some way notice like family and people that I see everyday. I don't know why this set of thoughts has been running around my head over the last few hours.

So I am forced to wonder who would miss me when I am gone? Really Who?

Trying to make sense for it all

There is so much that I don't understand and often times that is a painful reality for me. I wish I really had it all figured out and that I had it all under control but I just don't and that stinks.

There are moments in life when you need to step back from what is your life and really take time to look at everything you do. When you look at everyday life, not even the big stuff, I am forced to sit back and check my own priorities. There are so many things that I considered priorities that with a bit of prayer and a bit of time I am quick to realize that they are in fact not.

There will be more to follow I am sure. Have you ever tried to build house with wooden blocks but get the foundation under it slightly unlevel? Then much to my surprise it falls over. That is sort of where I am right now.

Wow

Today was a day spent with Sam and Monica who I don't get to see ever and it was wonderful. I will have so much more to say after a few hours of sleep.

Two Lives

Often I wonder if I am living two different lives. There is the one where everything is going smoothly and I am achieving those things that I wish to achieve, then there is the life where everything seems to be in a consistent spiral downward or at least out of control.

Today was a simple day. I am housesitting for a family in my church so I sat around read part of my assignment for school, watched a movie on my laptop, went for a walk, read the paper, and played with Luke (the dog). I was glad to get the school work done although I now have yet another week of down time before we pick back up. The weather around here has been nothing if not bizarre. On Wednesday night we had our first snow of the year which made for the traditionally bad road and cold winds, but this year it was different for me. The snow was white and perfect yet annoying. The wind no colder than it has been in the past yet it seemed to pierce my body sharply. I can't really explain it all or I would.

This in turn meant that I had all the time in the world to sit and think about everything that has been going on in my life as of late. It is hard to put my finger on it but somethings are changing and I am not so sure that I like it. I still have a letter that I wrote nearly a week ago now and I have no idea what I am going to do with it. Part of me wants to burn it and pretend that I did in fact give it to its intended recipient, that way I could feel that those parts of my emotions were already dealt with. I think this is because I fear rejection of telling someone exactly how I feel and what I am thinking.

I am quickly learning again, that complete faith requires complete faith. I want to be used, I want to be seen as a strong person, I want to be there for others, and I in fact try to put these things out there and usually end up rejected. I guess the huge part is that I want these things and don't take the time to learn how to be these things. I want to used, to be someone that other look up to but I all to often find myself face down on the ground asking God what an earth went so wrong here. Were did I mess it up this time because there were so many different outcomes and yet again I managed to be on worst path for the whole situation. I want to be strong and not be scared of the future or of being hurt or of change but it is simple to see that this is hard for anyone especially me. My life has been nothing but one big change after another yet the whole idea of change seems to scare me to death.

I know there is a lot of babbling today but it means something to me and even makes sense when I reread it so I am sorry for those of you who I may have lost but glad you are all still out there.

Thanksgiving

Today was a day set aside to give thanks. I have much to be thankful for but it is hard to put it all into words because of how tired I am right now.

The First Snow

Today it snowed for the first time of the season and although I don't like snow, I like the rawness that I feel when it snows for the first time. As the snow flakes fell after a rain storm this morning it really showed how things can progress without man having any control.

This morning as I left for work it was raining. It was a cold bitter rain that made you want to shiver and hide. There was nothing to pleasant about it and there was nothing to stop it. Caring an umbrella was pointless because of the wind that simply blew the rain right onto you. The rain later turned to lovely ice pellets that stung when they hit you. The ice beaded up and make little piles in corners yet much of it melted after it hit the ground because the ground had not yet hit the low temperatures that were needed to maintain it in is current state. The ice eventually turned to snow. Big fluffy wet snow flakes fell for hours and as I type this it is in fact still snowing outside. There is so much that comes with the first decent snow of the year.

People have to learn how to drive again. No more 65 miles an hour on the back roads and no more speeding in parking lots because someone (namely me) could get hurt. A snowball fight after work with fellow employees is fun, but in this kind of snow the snowballs are really hard and hurt when you are pelted with them.

As I look out the window of the house that I am housesitting in everything is covered in white and is smooth and pretty. Knowing that in a few days this snow will be yellow and gross to look at. That is how we are in our walk with God. When he takes away all of our sins and washes us clean we walk around smooth and shiny with perfect coverings then we go and put one little stain on it then it grow into something even more and more ugly until we have to go to Him and ask for it to be make clean and whole again.

So as I look at what is the beauty of the first snow I can now think that in a few short months, it will melt and everything will once again start to grow.

Tonight I learned

Tonight I learned that I never want to date again. Dating is a terrible sport that should be outlawed. I will have more to say later. Right now I am a bit too angry to deal with it all.

No idea

That is all I have to say about today...I have no idea...

I wrote a long letter today. I will write phrases from it later.

There isn't a whole lot to say this evening but today was a good day.

I skipped church and slept in till after 1 which was wonderful for me but frustrating because I simply don't feel the same if I don't go to church.

I am just sitting here right now. I will have more to say later I'm sure.

Left turn

You are walking along and then you decide to make a huge left turn. When you step out and take that turn you don't know for sure where you are headed but you are sure that it is exactly what is needed now more than ever. I know that there are times when seem to be talking out both sides of my mouth, and there are times that I in fact am but this is not one of those times.

I am ready to get this party started and I stood at work today just thinking because they put me on express, which I despise, and there didn't seem to be to many 'small' orders the Saturday before Thanksgiving. I am to move away and be happy and start on a clean slate and do this again with out my family being there all the time. After a long talk with one of my managers, Kyle Working, about what all this move will entail and some of the emotions that go with it. I know that it will be hard and I know that I will doubt, but it is a matter of self preservation.

I am thinking about what is to come and how it will seem when I finally get there. I know that there is a time and a place when it is appropriate to 'spread' my wings and leave this place. I also requested a promotion today which I wonder if I will even be given a chance for because I am not planning on staying in the area but I stepped out there and plead my case as to why I am the right person for the job and how much it would mean to me to have that much faith put into me.

This week was fairly uneventful. I attempted to order a bridesmaid dress for Elaina and Randy's wedding and still don't have the order placed, I hope I have time to get it ordered before the end of the month. The dresses are not bad looking and for anyone who has ever been in a wedding that is saying a whole lot. There is no need to have ugly dresses in the wedding although I have wore some. The strange thing is that I could see something similar in my wedding in the not so distant future if I ever get this pesky husband thing figured out. Sarah and Rob are planning a May wedding and the dresses for their wedding will be more money that was not in my yearly budget but it is okay because I am happy for them.

I am really starting to miss some of the friends who made my life what it is today. I miss Sarah, Elaina, Staci (http://staci_iwu.blogspot.com) (she is my cousin but more importantly she is my friend), Eric (www.ericbradley.com), Bethaney, Frieda, and so many others. I wish they were more available and I wish I was too because then I wouldn't feel so removed. Now my whole life revolves around paying bills and getting everything in order as adults do. No more simply hanging out and wasting time, because time has a new value once you go to school and then reenter or enter the work force. I miss the good old times but now they are just a distant memory of what has been and are no longer part of what is to come.

Steps

Life is nothing more than managing to put one step in front of the last and so on. I have often struggled to do just that. Taking steps and being honest with myself is not something that I have ever been to great at no matter how hard I have tired.

I think we all hide things from ourselves because we don't want to deal with them no matter how small those things may very well be. I love details and what everything to work out smoothly and without a catch and as most very well know life very rarely works out that way. There is no way to keep everything in perfect order all the time and it drives me absolutely crazy which is a shorter trip for me than it is for many others.

I start my final leg of my journey here in Warsaw and I want all those little details to work out smoothly and perfectly. I know that there will be times that they won't and there will be times that I am so stressed out I will want nothing more than to stay here and not leave at all but I am ready for those days, I think. At last count 29 weeks and counting. That really isn't that long and I know it. There is so much that will go into the next six months and everything that needs to be done in the process. But as in life these are just small yet very simple steps that I am taking.

The up side to planning life one step at a time is that it is easier to change directions when you only looking at the next step. So here I go walking again and it will not be easy. I am reminded of a song that we sing in church every so often:

He never promised that the cross would not get heavy...

Ahhhh

There are moments that you have to stand before God and give small but simple accounts of what you are doing and how you are serving His purpose. They are not huge moments and no where as big 'the' day where we stand before Him and wait to hear 'well done thy good and faithful servant.'

I stood alone in a room and felt God very close to me. I knew that I needed to work through my own stuff for a bit and face everything one day at a time. I know that there are times when we can quickly forget that this journey is not all about us it is so much bigger. There are times that I want to be nothing more than selfish. I want things to work out perfectly and I want them to do so now, and strangely enough it doesn't happen, go figure.

There are many things that I thought I would have by now that I simply don't. I have heard several times that God gives you the desires of your heart yet the things I desire seem so far out of reach and there is no way that God is going to do them for me. That is something that is frustrating for me and it shouldn't be because I know that God will take care of things at that they will work out sooner or later.

I just need to go for a walk...I think I will. Sigh.

Stressed

So its no secret I don't much car for it here and yet here I sit. Work has been stressing me out but more importantly money. I want to have a large sum of money in my account when I leave here so that if something should happen initially then I would be okay.

I feel more and more alone. All of my friends are gone from here and the ones I thought I still had clearly aren't. This will make my move so much easier in long run.

Change will hurt much like weight loss, growing pains or emotional baggage but we all have to de it and there isn't a thing that we can do about it. So although I am stressed out and in the mood to really rant I won't, I will spare you that reading and write it out the old fashion way, paper and pen.

Have a great day.

Paths

As I get off of this self righteous path that I currently find myself in the detour seems to be hard on me both spiritually and physically.

When you try to make huge changes on your own they can turn out to be very painful but if you ask God for a bit of guidance much of the pain and stress will vanish.

I have a lot to do tonight so I will write more later.

Have a good night.

Lifted

There has been so much stress lifted off of me over the last 24 hours and it couldn't have come at a better time.

I found out this afternoon that I did in fact get the grade that was needed to stay in school and that my journey will continue. I will take larger steps toward getting my masters degree and then, Lord willing, I will do great things. I did not make the choice to get my masters degree because of the status that goes with completing it, but I did so because I am sure that there is more out there for me and I simply need to take the time to find it.

I have given much thought to teaching either college or high school. I may just do that. I am currently working through getting my teaching certificate and possible teaching at a local school. I don't know if it is in fact what I plan on doing long term but right now it feels right.

I am also reconstructing a friendship that I destroyed single handedly over the last few weeks. I know that I have made some mistakes and for me it is hard to admit it and that is huge. I hope to take our friendship back a few steps then work on rebuilding what was once so wonderful. I know that there will be a time of adjustment for both of us as we work to get through so of the issues that we both face right now. I am happy to get the opportunity today.

Church was great last night and really put a whole of things in perspective, which I usually need. Taking time to step back and look at these things was wonderful. I now know more than ever that the choices I am making are right.

Getting what is needed

Do you ever think that you really get what is needed?

I do...God gives it to you right when you need it and not a moment sooner.

Doing Time

I am at a point where I am just doing time. I am working for the sake of working and know that it is what I need to do until I move in June. That's right you read it here first unless of course you are Staci I am planning on moving The second week of June and it is final. Where I stand right now there is nothing that can change my mind in the choice that I have made.

I know that this is the right choice no matter how many times I may question it during the next few months. I have given myself a few extra months to make this transition go much smoother than the rushed one that I was planning on. I am excited and scared and have for the most part started telling my family about the choices that I have made. Now I am 'doing time' here at home till that time comes.

I am ready, I really am and I have some great friends and family that will be there for me as I do this. Although I will feel alone I know that I am not and there will be days that I think I will stuck and confused and I just have to brace myself for them. There is no reason that this need be anymore dramatic than moving across town or one state over. I know that it is going to be hard and that is something that I am more than willing to deal with. The repercussions of it all are something else that I am ready for. I will miss things that traditionally I wouldn't: Birthdays, holidays, parties, weddings, and other important events in peoples lives, yet I will always be there for them.

The next few puzzle pieces will fall into place over the next few months. So here I go and I haven't been this happy and scared in my life.

Questions of the day

Today I had many shallow questions that crossed my mind:

Make-up or none?
Straight or curly?
Hair up or down?
Dress up or casual?

See I told you they were all shallow. They were just what kept popping into my head over the course of the day as I worked my way through several outfits and different hair styles. It was crazy. I dress the same everyday for work so I am not sure why exactly it matters, and frankly it doesn't. So I am off for the night. I never seems to stop amazing me that getting to sleep before midnight makes me very happy. Night all.

You are the love of my life,
You are the hope that I cling to,
You mean more than this world to me
I wouldn't trade you for silver or gold
I wouldn't trade you for riches untold
You are, You are my everything.

As I sat and listened to this song it has so many different meanings in my mind. It can be a love song to someone that you care the world about and I have often thought of it that way. It can also be a song to the Creater which is more what it should be.

Tonight I put a huge piece of my past finially in my past and it broke every piece of my heart to do so. To leave it there behind me was not easy as I walked away. I know that this is what is best for both of us and we now can move on more completely with our lives. I knew the instant that we sat across the table from each other that I was going to have to streach myself and so was he to make this evening a success. I am more sure now of what the future holds than I have ever been before. The time approaches quickly and as promised my choices are being finalized as I type.

Have a good night.

Today I learned...
1. I shouldn't be allowed out in public
2. God may actually know what He is doing.
3. I tend to stress myself out
4. My cat doesn't like me nearly as much as I thought she did
5. I have no idea what I am doing here

Wow that doesn't seem like a whole lot but to me it is huge. To even be able to admit that I don't have control takes more out of me than I ever thought it would. Well I need to go change out of these ever so stylish work clothes. Have a great night.

AHHH Sleep

What is funny to me is that I am no longer in a 'traditional' college setting yet I still manage to loose sleep over project and other things that go into being back in school. Today I did something that I don't usually do and slept in till noon and it was wonderful. So with a full nights rest and the better part of a days I am feeling really good.

Today I have to go to work for a few hours then back here for a fairly unplanned night. I am expecting company sometime later today. I am not looking forward to it but in many ways I am because it will be a chance to put some final touches on the period end of a relationship. The guy that I dated while I was in college is stopping by to 'talk' or so he says but I need him to know that I am not at all interested in him anymore and although he is a wonderful guy and will make some girl very happy in future I am not that girl.

This evening or tomorrow I am sure I will have more to say about this and there are so many different ways that it could turn out and I am ready for any of them.

So I am off for now.

The end of the beginning

So the title leaves a bit of explaining to do and I won't get into all of it right now but I am sure that it will make more sense over the next few weeks.

Tonight was the last night of my LAW class for school and created much joy in my life knowing that it is the last law class that I will have to take for the time being. A good conversion with Alan a guy in my class created some light hearted laughs as we both sat stressed out staring at our computer screens because the class has not been the highlight of my scholarly endeavors. I know that there have been others that I haven't cared for but at least to date this one is number two on the list of classes that I am excited to never see again. Number one of course goes hands down to Spanish class.

My grade in this class will determine if I will continue in school or if this is where I in fact take time to step back and rethink everything that I have been doing for the past six months. It is hard for me to believe that I started this craziness of going back to school six months ago when I only graduated a few from Taylor seven months ago. So at this point I will know if it was what I was supposed to do or if it is something that I choose to do without really consulting God. I have 'met' some very interesting people along the way and that has been wonderful. If my grade is sufficient which I am truly sure it will be then I am off academic probation and will start doing work as a 'regular' student.

It is time for me to make some huge life decisions and I am now for the first time ready to do. I will know 100% by the end of the week what I am planning to do. Mark my words. I will know and it will be great and I am excited at this possibility. There are so many things that have to be done over the next couple of weeks and am ready. I also may not be leaving as soon as I thought which could be a good thing or it could be bad. I will deal with all of that when it is time. I am at peace.

Today

Today was another day that I choose to fight with God or maybe it should be fight God.

Over what? Everything that I could come up with to fight with Him over. I don't have to have one specific topic to be frustrated about to drive myself crazy or for that matter drive God crazy if that is at all possible.

My class for school ends on Wednesday and will in all honesty be a very happy feeling for me. I am now struggling to face the fact that at that instant, I am at the mercy of my teachers who will ultimately decide if I get to continue in my educational endeavors or if this is in fact where I get off.

So I am off to study. Have a great night.

Because of who you are I give you glory,
Because of who you are I give you praise,
Because of who you are I will lift my voice and say,
Lord I worship you because of who you are....

Do you ever think about who God really is? I mean REALLY?

Uneventful

Today was a good day. Tyler Bryant, a friend from not so long ago, came to church and had a powerful message. I am still trying to put it all together in my head. I don't want to be comfortable in my faith I want to keep reaching and wanting and needing more of God in my life. I know that there is so much that He has to offer, but I want to be able give that back whenever I can.

Tyler is wonderful and clearly used of God and will have a huge impact on the world, even though he already has. I miss having him around sometimes. There are so many things that I could say but I don't even know where to start.

Today was a long day. I am off to bed. Here shortly.

Kick Boxing

Kick boxing is a wonderful sport, especially when I am stressed out.

To get to go to the gym and punch and kick things without getting in any trouble in any way definitely has its benefits. I know that if I were to (and I have before) try my work out on my brother I would be in more trouble than even I can imagine. I may be 23 but for the moments I still live with my mom whom I have a healthy fear of.

This morning I woke up late because I didn't have to go to work, I really enjoy not having to work on a Saturday because it is when all the 'crazy' people come in to shop. It seems to me that they forget that other people work all week too.

I got dressed in my sweat pants and t-shirt, which my brother so lovingly pointed out looked horrible, and went to the gym. I know it looks bad I'm going to gym no need to dress up just to change clothes again. It feels good just to lounge around for a while and I am looking forward to fairly unproductive day. So everyone have a great day.

More Love, More Power, More of you in my life.
More Love, More Power, More of you in my life.
And I will worship you with all of my heart
and I will worship you will all of my streangth
for you are my Lord, You are my Lord.

This song has played over and over in my mind today and it is a good thing that it is just me and the cat becaue I have sang it several times. It has just given me something to really think about.

The day after

Election...The day after. Today is the day that our country has been building up to for a long time. President Bush will return to office for 4 more years. He will lead out country till Dec. 31, 2008 and the choices he will make will affect my children and their children. I could even have children by the time he leaves office and that is a scary thought in and of itself.

John Kerry conceded the election sometime this morning while I was at work. It couldn't have been easy to do. To admit that you have lost such a pivotal election is a blow to anyone's ego. There is so much that goes into an election. Tom Brocaw spoke of it last night. Your emotions, your family, your name. You put it all out there to be run through the ringer everything is scrutinized. Your life is a wreck for well over a year. God bless the Kerry's as they attempt to return to what they consider a "normal" life.

President Bush won the popular vote which hasn't happened in the last several presidency. I know he must be happy with what has happened and that he will do everything that he can to work us out of the mess that we currently find ourselves in.

Last night I sat up watching the states come in one by won declaring who the electoral votes would go to and the fact that there was little change from four years ago.

God has given us 4 more years with President Bush and it has already been mentioned several times today that this rift that so deeply divides our country. Now we must enter a period of healing and mending. In 4 years there will be 2 new canidates but until then we will walk with this man. So as we as a country looks ahead to what is out there we should brace for anything as we have learned over the past 4 years knowing that God is still in control even when we're not.

Check Mate

Spirituality can often feel like a losing game of chess. You plan your moves carefully and then there is one move that you didn't see coming. Boom you sit at check mate and there is nothing you can about it. That move that rips into your heart and forces you to start to question it all. Question what is going on and how you ended up on the path that you are. You are in church, you know the truth, you know how to guard your heart and yet you don't. Then when you are caught off guard because you are not paying attention you want nothing more than to blame God for the whole mess that you find yourself it.

After a weekend full of traveling and not knowing what types of conclusions I may reach...I stood facing the enemy. Then I heard it...I felt it...I knew it...One more wrong move could very easily put me in the position of check mate. My "game" as it were was about to change. I need to change direction. I need to change goals, I need to reorganize, Yet I don't know to what.

--I had it all planned out.
--I knew what was going on.
--I had this one figured out.
--I was finally in control.

And that is where the problem really started. I was finally in control not God. I had it I really knew what I planning, knew where I headed, I had this one, I didn't need God to show me what I really needed to be doing! I Knew this was right and I was very happy with the choices I was making. Now I am in complete limbo again. WHAT NOW, WHAT NOW GOD. I know that there is so much ahead of me and I sit here cornered. I sit and stare at the face of the unknown and the over planned and wonder where it was that I went oh so wrong and try to think of the various ways I plan to get myself out of it. Not once thinking that perhaps I am not the one to get myself out of this one. Maybe, just maybe, I need God to reach in with His long arms and help me, but no I didn't want to consider that. I want to be in control and know where this path that I am walking on is headed.

I stare at the enemy and ponder, watching his every move more carefully than the next. Studying his face and seeing his nervous ticks knowing that there is a possibility that if I take my eyes off of what is the ultimate goal then I could loose and be trapped in a cycle that I have been in so many times before. I watch and wonder, still not thinking about the love and grace that is mine if I simply take it and hold it in my arms.

Then I hear the words that I feared the most, 'check mate.' Now I am trapped and start to panic, trying to find my own way out and then I realize, for the first time in a long time, that I can not get out of it on my own. It is going to take someone much more powerful and all knowing than I to get this mess cleaned up. Realizing I am cornered I look up at the hand that is stretched toward me and reach as far as I can to grab it. As I am pulled from the situation that I find myself in, I make a promise to not be taken back there again, but silently wonder if it could happen.

As with chess there are times that you can see the enemies next move and it is easily avoidable with a simple side step that makes things in your path appear much clearer once you return to the path that you were to be on in the first place. As I step back over onto my path I am starting to question the plans that I have been making over the last few months, and I start to ponder what is going on in my life. I know that as long as I play the 'game' as the Master has designed it I will come out victorious.

Returning to the path will not be easy. Getting my life back in order will hurt. Often change does but I know it is what I need to do. I know that this is how it should be done. I also know that it can be easy to stray and I need to watch very carefully when I am making plans and trying to control it all on my own that God has his hands on it all too.

I know that I can do this, I know that I can. I also know that there are those who will support what I am trying to do, and there will be those who are hurt or even left behind as the changes start to take shape. I am grateful for the opportunity to change and to make things right. But first I must close some doors, if for no other reason than to keep unexpected moves from cornering me again.

Trip

So my trip...HMMMM....

We left Warsaw at 9:32 pm on Thursday night. And for those of you who read this, yes that was behind schedule. Arriving in Rising Fawn, GA at 6 am was nearly the highlight of my trip. Getting there and getting to sleep for a few precious hours before starting off on a whirlwind weekend.

Saturday was a church picnic with people that I didn't know, which made for some very interesting conversation. I was informed several times that it was clear that I was a Yankee and not from the south. I got several laughs over it all but because, in all honesty I wanted to be like, "who won the war, HMMMM, US." There for you shouldn't be mocking us because even though we won, we let you in the union and you get all the same freedoms that we do.

Sorry about the tangent there. We also ate at this place called Pork N' Loin that was really good. They had bbq baked potatoes. Sounds strange but tastes really good.

Sunday was church all day and then a long day of driving. I was nice to see old friends but the idea of driving so far is a bit mind boggling. There are so many times that I wanted to just give up on driving. Today I got to stop and see my cousin for a few minutes which was a welcome break from all of the driving. So as I do laundry and all of the school work that I am so far behind on, I will look back on this weekend and smile, but man am I tired.

Home Again

After a week of not knowing what was going on and changing plans, I have once again retured home. AHH yeah home, the one place I dislike most to be.

Not once have I heard that it is nice to have me home again or that I was even missed and I was gone for five days, which really isn't long but it is for me. Once I get laundry done. I will write more.