Christmas has Passed

Christmas has come and gone and now I sit with just a few minutes to reflect on the over all holiday. Chirstmas for my family has become a way to buy love. It is not about Jesus although they will all say that it is.

Okay so here I am again. Christmas time is quickly approaching and the stress that comes with it approaches as well. I rush around for no reason for other customers. I know that our company is in trouble and then I get yelled out by customers who feel like it is my fault personally and then I have to say I'm sorry and walk away with a smile. Sorry just a short rant.

Okay so its been a while

So it has been a month tomorrow since I last was able to sit down and type so let me cover some of the big events of the last month.

1. Thanksgiving spaghetti, yes you read that right, with my grandma and grandpa Wright, just so they could say that we got together for Thanksgiving even though they didn't want to have a big meal with all the work. Where as with any other family function it was time to discuss things that were completely inappropriate at the dinner table, but hey some things never change.

2. Thanksgiving with the Bales family, as always a whole lot of fun. It is amazing how much better I seem to get along with that side of the family.

3. My roommate and best friend Bethaney got a job in Indy and if I were to guess has moved there this very night. I am so excited for her and this opportunity that she has, but at the same time I miss her so much and wish she could be even closer than she is. It is amazing how much I didn't realize I loved her till she wasn't around every day. It was nearly 2 years ago I moved off campus and came home, some times it amazes me how long that time has really been in so many ways it seems just like yesterday.

4. My company has gone up for sale and there are offers on the table. I may loose my job of 7 years or I could be working for someone completely different, no one really knows what is about to happen and that I think is the worst part for me. The whole not knowing thing. I was thinking I would be able to wait around till I got my Masters Degree in August to get out of the company but it has become more and more apparent that I should really start looking a bit sooner, Like now.

5. I still love him. I saw him and I still love him, but I don't think that I am any longer in Love with him and this will enable me to move on with Rob now and see what the future really holds.

Over all an eventful month but I am sure that as time goes on, especially with the whole job thing, there will be more news, I will try to update more, have a great night everyone.

The Perfect November Day

This morning I got up late because I didn't have to work and I went for a walk. It was perfect outside to say the least. It was 65 degrees and the wind was fairly calm. The sun wasn't shining but I could get over that I suppose. It was nice to be outside in November when there aren't snow flakes flying and sharp winter weather fronts moving through. This November hasn't been one for the record books but it has been different for those of us who grew up here in northern Indiana. November usually means cold chills and winter coats, boots and scarves, not sweatshirts and a comfy pair of pants to go for walk. I didn't worry about freezing to death before I got back and I knew that the walk would be a pleasant one.

The leaves are absolutely stunning, which also doesn't tend to happen into November. The leaves are as bright and as beautiful as ever and the colors more vivid than they have been in years past. I know that winter is coming it is one of the necessary evils that we have to deal with here but I also welcome it and all it stands for.

The purpose of my walk to take time and to think about different things that are going on in my life. I am struggling to find my place and that is more difficult than most things for me and I never thought that would be the case. I'm still in school, I still work at a grocery store, and I still haven't found 'him' yet. I am not saying that I need a man to complete me but I want and crave that compainship that goes with having someone in my life. Work is well work and you won't find a good job until someone is looking to hire someone just like you. This is a leason I have had to force feed myself. Only ten (10) more months of school then I am done for a while. I have worked my butt off to prove myself to my family and there are still those who feel I am not enough or that I don't try enough.

So as I tuck myself in tonight it is 54 outside and slightly drizzly but it is still perfect and heck it could be snow. I will write again soon. I'm sure you have heard that before.

UMM...SO...Yeah

So I realize today is my cousins birthday, and I understand that my birthday was six weeks ago yet today it really hit me, we are all getting older and there really isn't a whole lot we can do about it. It is strange to think that there are now 2 of us in our 20s within this whole messed up family. It is a miracle that we lived this long if I may say myself.

I love my cousin and I may not get to tell her this but Happy Birthday and I love you.

Life has been good but who knew that they put 4 am every morning. I will admit that I am looking forward to getting to sleep in again till all of 6 am but it will be wonderful. I am sure I will have more to day later have a great day and happy bday cuz.

All I Can Say

All I can say right now is sigh.

Work has been killing me but that is okay because I need the money and I know that sooner or later I will be able to move out and move on and it will be wonderful.

Kyle still has my car, I am still unhappy about it, yet aside from my Grandma Bales no one seems to care that this is such an issue. I feel like I have been made a second class citizen in my own home, or at least the place that I am supposed to call home for now.

dating has been good. I have started seeing a nice guy and see some sparks but we are early on and as I have had to learn the hard way sometimes things change and that stinks.

School is going well only 10 months to graduation for me. After this I am done, at least for a while because I need the break more than I even think I realized until recently.

At work today I was reminded that the holiday's are right around the corner, which means many things to many people but for me it isn't all joyous. My crazy family will get together, we will get on each others nerves, my cousin and I will vent to each other about how crazy they really are. Some things never change I suppose.

Well for now that is all.

A good night

So here I am sitting in my bed with nothing but a big old grin on my face. tonight was a night of learning how to deal with what I don't have and also seeing that it is out there for me.

I went to Courthouse Coffee with Eric and his girlfriend Mel. She was very nice, but I have to admit that she seems to remind me a whole lot of myself on many levels. We talked about everything, school, work, religion, church politics, and just about anything else that we could come up with.

I drank coffee and wasted a Friday night just like the way things used to be and it felt wonderful. I know that there are times that I feel like I don't have anything to lay claim to but in reality I do. I have great friends like Eric who aren't going anywhere no matter what I do or how stupid it may seem. I am in a relationship that has some serious potential but I am also willing to admit that it may not work and if it does it will be because we have put so much work into it.

My new job isn't bad, however, it isn't what I want to do and I wish I could get a place in Fort Wayne where I could live comfortably and be happy and most importantly away from my mother but so far no luck on that front. I know that these things will come but right now they seem so far away.

Well all I need to sleep a bit.

Changes

So life is all about things changing and there are times that it hurts to know that everything around you in changing even on small levels yet still it happens.

I got a phone call, one I knew was coming sooner or later but it still showed me what I lack when it comes to my age and where I am headed in my life. Elaina is having a baby and I am so happy for her but still here I sit unable to decided on a relationship, childless, and still in school. I work in a grocery store so my 'personal' life is now pretty much nonexistent when it comes to that.

There are things I want that I see those around me getting and it hurts. I know I shouldn't be jealous and really I'm not, I'm so happy for them and all the things that they have. They just choose different roads to getting them than I did and on a learning curve prospective I am 'running behind' those who are in the same group I am.

So what am I babbling about I don't really know. I just want to grow up and be like all the other kids and yet I am still very much me and very much alone.

In other news family reunion went off with slightly less drama than normal. No one screamed, and the food wasn't to bad. My grandma is still a nag and great grandma is crazy but I knew that going into the deal so no real shocks there. Got to see my cuz even though just for a few minutes, I sure do love her and miss her something awful.

Everyone have a good night.

3:43 Am

I sit here a long time between post and I am forced to ponder a question. Where the heck did my childhood go? I turn 24 today therefore I am no longer a teenager nor am I traditional college student. I'm not living a family life nor do I see one in my immediate future although there was a time not to long ago that I did.

So today I am one year older...No big deal this is just another in a long line of birthdays that I have known were coming sooner or later. I will go to work, just like any other day and I will get frustrated.

Where am I in life...WOW good question. I am sure I will ponder it out in its entirety sooner or later.

Hmm

Okay so I am not so great at keeping this thing up to date. I know that I'm not sure sometimes even why I keep it up and running. I started my blog just over a year ago and it has has had many different moments on it over that time. I have started and ended more than one relationship. I have started and ended one relationship many times. I have complained about work, written about church functions or church problems, I have vented anger and I have rejoiced. Isn't it amazing what going through and reading your own words can do to make you realize that even when you are down you are okay and life will sooner or later go on. A year later I am glad that I have this place to communicate with others even if those others may only be my cousin and few close college friends that have the web link.

In other news I finally got a job and a place to live, it isn't however how I planned all along for it to be. I am living with my grandma and grandpa Bales, my other grandparents don't know because they will feel that I somehow choose my moms parents over them and there will be a lot of drama that goes with it when all of that comes out.

I work for Marsh (I know, I know) I will be their assistant office manager in a few weeks, but I start training on Monday and I am so excited. I get a pay raise, a new name tag (not a big deal to some but at Marsh this is important), and to learn how to do all of the office functions of the store and I get health insurance again. The hours will be a bit crazy for a while but I am sure I will get used to it.

I finally used the L-word and meant it when I was talking to someone who means the world to me and I am so happy that I did. Was I scared and did I nearly have a panic attack, yes, but in the end it was just what both of us needed to know from each other. It is nice to be wanted and to be loved by someone who doesn't care about all of the family crap and can help make you sane while you are trying to deal with it alone. This isn't to say that the family crap doesn't get on their nerves but they know that they don't have to live with it every day, well at least not yet anyway, wink wink.

I am doing good and am looking forward to the next week. Everyone have a great night.

Its been a while

I don't really have news to post here but I thought I would create some form of an update for those of you that read this.

I got new glasses which are nice becuase I can see what it is I am doing, a nice change of pact I must admit. I went to my aunt and uncles and used their much faster much nicer internet conection to get my new class set up. I did get and A in Stats class.

I am not moving to Fort Wayne right now which stinks but I am sure I will be okay.

Now What do You do with This

Some times I realize that God has a such a sense of humor that makes you sit back and laugh and/or roll your eyes when you know that this once at least this once God was right. I still don't have a place to live in Fort Wayne which is frustrating but I am sure that I will have a place sooner or later.

I know that moving there will be good for me and for my family although I know that there are family members that I will miss even more than I do now. I miss Staci already I got to see her last night which was fun and funny at the same time. I got to sit across the room most literally and chat with her online. I hate to say it but aunt and uncle are two of the fakest people that I have ever met.

My cousin made a comment that we were twin separated at birth. There is the whole age difference thing and the whole two different birthdays thing but we are so much alike that at times it is scary to say the least. There is a lot more to say here but I will make sure to cover it later.

Stepping out

Stepping out of my comfort zone isn't something I am good at to say the least, but tonight I am going to do it.

In other news I bought a new computer that works right...woohoo I'm so excited.

This week hasn't been easy on me at all. Between all of job interviews, family issues (which we always have), work, school, and about everything else that you can come up with I am forced to end one relationship in order to continue another one.

This week I called it off with Rob and I have to tell you that it hurt. I really like his boys and I really like him however as a result he isn't as available as I need him to be for me. I have been dating both guys for a couple of months now and have discovered that Tadd has so much more to offer me that I need right now. I don't doubt that Rob has all of these things as well he simply isn't in a place where he can put it all out there for me like I need.

I am looking forward to dating Tadd exclusively and seeing if there is anything there that can be cultivated to a 'higher' form of a relationship. I am stressed out because it is tough to stop dating someone that I have grown attached to over the last few months but I am also excited about what has started between Tadd and I. Here goes nothing.

Vacation

I left 2 days late and returned 3 days early yet I feel as though over all vacation was a success. My family didn't kill each other or anyone else for that matter however there were several things missing from this trip that have been there all along for so many years.

1. My grandparents--They were unable to join us this year because of illness that has recently over taken their household. It is hard to say if there will be a next year however the question quickly becomes will they be joining those who choose to go.

2. My cousin Staci--I love her so much and I missed her all week, well at least the part that I was there for. This trip was the time she and I sat aside to really bond with each other again. We are both leading very different lives and now we struggle to even set a coffee date. I don't know what the next few years in either one of our lives holds and that is even more difficult for me to deal with than I believe she even realizes. I have had several attempts at moving out and to be overly honest they have always worried me because of the likelihood that we will grow even further apart.

3. Mass craziness--this trip lacked all of those things that have made our family what it is, a bunch of nuts attempting to pretend that nothing is wrong and that the things that go on within it are normal. I mean my aunt and uncle had their, we miss our kids face on, which translates into we miss Stephen, I'm no dummy I know how it works. My mom pretended to be upset with me before they left that I wasn't coming up right away and did an even worse job when I went to head back home.

I know that this is a changing of the guard of sorts but it is still strange. I don't know about Staci but for me it is life changing to draw lines and then amazingly enough sticking to them once they are drawn.

wow what a difference a week makes.

The Thought

After my last post my cousin posted a comment. I love comments and sometimes they really move me.

"but it's kind of sad it's ending, even though the last few years have been more frustrating than good. I think I'll mostly miss a week to actually hang out with you, since that's one of the few times we get to. Life happens. I think I'd like to take my kids there someday (just maybe without their grandparents on their mother's side ;-) -staci"

As far as the ending of the trip being sad it is true. Silver Lake has strangely been the only thing that has been constant among our family even in all of the disfunctionalism. We as a family would make one heck of a case study for many different psychology, sociology, family studies, or any other class that truly needs an example of how not to do things in their own lives. The problem is Staci and I have been part of this running experiment and we seemed to finally pull ourselves away from the craziness but our brothers have not faired so well.

I was looking forward to spending the time with Staci for a week. I love her so much and yet I never get to see her. As our lives have started into "adulthood" if you will it has only gotten worse. When we were younger our parents would keep us apart, by our parents I mean her parent, who didn't care for me and at times I wonder if she does even now. Now we are old enough to do things and spend time together but we have classes and work and all of that other stuff we so commonly refer to as life and as a result in many ways we have grown closer together while growing further and further apart. I love that girl, I hope she knows that and no matter what she will always have a place to sleep at my place even if it is the couch.

I believe my children and I will go to Silver Lake as well. Maybe not for 9 days at a time and maybe not with the whole family but we will go. Silver Lake has so many stories and good times that go with it even with the all of the problems. Anyone recall a year where someone (me) hit a tree in the camp ground, or maybe there was a pair of glasses lost in the lake, perhaps Bethaney was attacked by the boat, interesting to think of all the good times and laughs that have come and gone with the trip. It is sad to think it is in many ways over now. I know I will remember the good times over the rougher and bad ones but it is still where we sit as the youngest grandchild starts his first job and I pack up to move to a different city. My how times have changed from those magnets on the side of grandma's fridge. We are all adults except for Stephen and he is quickly approaching it as well. My aunts, uncles, and mom are all in their 40s now and I am entering my mid 20s. One day refection will be sweet and happy but today it is different. This is it, we are growing up, and we will be okay no matter what happens over the next few months.

The whole family dynamic is changing and there doesn't seem to be much of anything that we can do about it. However I think any change in this family is good change.

The end of an era

A huge part of my 23 years on this earth has come to an end and not even in the manner that I thought it would. Our yearly family vacation to Silver Lake Michigan will no longer be a family vacation of sorts. My grandparents will not be joining us this year it is certain now. My cousin Staci isn't going. I am not going and if I do it will only be for a few days so now the great debate begins...Do they stay or do they go. I think we will go for a bit but I don't know for how many days.

After 23 years of drama, laughter, tubing, and duneing it is over, or at least it appears that way. I know that there will be time for fun and laughter later in life but it is hard to think that a 23 year tradition in my life has officially come to a close. We all knew this day was coming my grandparents have been taking trips up there since my dad was a small child but now it is over the year after year streak has come to an end.

In other news packing is finally starting to take shape and the idea that I will finally be out on my own and struggling makes me strangely happy. I know that there are times when I will want to come back to the 'safety' of home but home is anything but safe for me. I am overjoyed, scared to death, uncertain, ecstatic, and so many other things inside there is no complete way to describe it right now.

Today I sat down and worked through my budget and noticed very quickly that I can't afford to live away from here but I am going to make a go of it anyway. I am sure that God will provide and that it will be okay sooner or later. I am excited. Change is coming...How everyone takes it is their own business..

Home Again

After two weeks of living somewhere else I again find myself at home but this time it is different. I am sitting here working on my all of packing and job hunting stuff knowing that I will not be here very long and that in just a few short days I will walk out these doors with all of my stuff with the intention of not living here ever again. This is not to say that it will not happen but it is my goal to not live with my mother again. I am after all a 23 year-old college graduate that needs to be out on her own in order to survive.

As I sit in a room full of stuff and that is all it is just stuff I am forced to reflect on different things and try to get it all in order. I have learned a few things already. I have way to much stuff which I don't need. Money is important but it isn't everything. And that this will not be successful if I don't get on it right away, so with that I go to pack somemore then to Fort Wayne to attempt to find a job. Have a good day everyone.

The L word

You all know it is that word...The one word that will send me running faster than anything else in the world just because of all of the things that it includes in its meaning. I find myself in a dangerous place for me and I don't know what to do with it or the emotions that go with it.

I know that we have only been dating for a couple of months, well only since after Eric and I went our own separate ways for the last time, or at least what we believe is the last time.

The guy I am seeing is wonderful, treats me like a princess which is always nice and every girl needs a guy who will treat her like that but then what do you do when you (I) decide to move away from Warsaw and live with an long time friend for at least a year. Not that I think we will be getting married before a year is over but I will be living 40 miles away from here and we have problems scheduling around the 6 miles that currently separate us.

I have had several people ask me what my problem is the L word and I can't really pin point it, well I could but no one would understand it completely. There are so many things that go into being in L--- Sorry still can't bring myself to say it or type it but if you can read or if you have ever listened to music you know what it is.

I mean lets think about it...
I think I L--- you but what I am so afraid of...I'm afraid that I'm not sure of a L--- There is no cure for...
L Is for the way you look at me O is for the....
Can you feel the L--- tonight the peace the evening brings

Hollywood also contributes to the way people feel about L--- by writing and producing movies like When Harry Met Sally.

So where do I stand on the L word...I'm all for it but I don't know if I have it in me to proclaim it from the rooftops.

The Willows at Coventry

As you may guess by the title or maybe not, hard saying really, I have found an apartment and put the security deposit down on it. It is wonderful and I have a wonderful roommate, most people know her as the roommate I had in college, Bethaney, we are really looking forward to moving in in early July. We are both ready to make this transition to 'adulthood' as it were.

We each have our own room and the rent really isn't that unaffordable when there are two people living there. Now I am really cracking down on getting a job in Fort Wayne so that this move goes a lot smoother than it would if for some reason I am not able to find a job right away.

The complex has all kinds of wonderful amenities to offer us, swimming pool, fire place, hot tub, handyman, fully stocked fishing pond, just to name a few. I even think that once I give my mom directions she may be able to find it again. This also applies to my friends and other family members (sorry Staci).

There is a lot that will go into this moving including figuring out where my current relationship stands and if it would be best for us to call it off and just be friends or if we should make a go of it even during the move. I am hoping that he wants to try to make a go of it but it is hard saying really. I really like Tadd much more than I ever expected myself to, since he is no where near what I would consider my type, but I know moving 2 counties away may put a strain on what ever it is we are trying to build here.

There are other complications to the whole lets move to Fort Wayne thing but they are not serious and I know that we will be fine over all. My dads parents don't know what is going on yet because I have chosen to keep them out of the loop. They seem to create enough drama on their own without me telling them that I am moving away again and this time there is very little if anyway I am moving back in the near future. My mom parents don't know either because I am currently housesitting their house and they are off in AZ visiting grandpa's sister.

In other news:
--Kyle's graduation party was over all a success
--My mom is crazier than ever
--My grandma Wright is going to drive me over the edge it is a good thing that I work a lot
--I will get my car back before I move
--God is good and I know that we are doing the right thing

Everyone have a good night, I'm sure there will be more to come in the next couple weeks here.

2 very busy weeks

This has been 2 very busy weeks to say the least that all culminated today with the final major event.

On May 28 my best friend Sarah got married and that was rough for me. I watched her walk down the isle and I cried because it hurt and yet I was strangely happy. I know that this is what is best for her and I know she will be happy but it didn't make it hurt any less.

My brother graduated from high school on Friday and I was forced to sit through the commencement ceremony which may I say was horrible. Then today was his Open house which was also horrible because of the family and all of the pointless bickering and whinning.

My grandfather landed himself in the hospital late Thursday night and is still there today. He will be home tomorrow if all goes well and ultimately he will be fine but for now my grandmother is nothing but a drama queen. She has even started talking about not going on vacation which I think is a big load of crap.

I am stressed out but Bethaney will be here on Tuesday and we are going to go look for apartments so hopefully all will go well and I can put an end to this.

The Question

While having a fairly light hearted conversation with a guy that I am very interested in he posed a very interesting question:

Where were you 11 years ago?

First of all this question is important because of our difference in age and that is when he married his first wife. This caused me to think...Where was I 11 years ago.

--I was in the 6th grade and all of 12 years old...Wow how times have changed.
--There were several ways to describe me back then including but not limited to shy, quiet, impersonal, distant, secluded, shady, geek (of the bad variety), and uninformed.
--I was about 5'4" and not much taller than that
--I had just started middle school in a new building which were to be proud of the fact we would be the first class to go all the way through our grade school career's in three different buildings.
--The year was 1994, my parents marriage was on the rocks yet again.
--I had no idea what the future held (strange some things never change)
--I would hurt myself on purpose to try not to feel the emotional pain of what all was going on around me.

Wow 11 years is a long time yet in some ways I guess I am still living the 6th grade. Boys still frustrate me, the future still scares me, and for the most part I am still a geek.

Varied Emotions

In 48 hours my best friend from my childhood will walk down the isle. I am happy, I am sad but I now know why I have chosen to wait. It is days like today when I sit and think about it that I am happy for all of my friends that are happy but at the same time glad I am not them.

Okay now

I have started dating a good guy but I don't know what to expect. I don't expect perfection, well not really although there are times that it would be nice I have to admit. He is 31 years-old so for me nearly right in my age frame overall. He doesn't have children, different for me over all and he isn't even divorced he has never been married. Which makes him totally not my type at all.

I don't know what the future holds and I have started looking for a job someone and hopefully I will be getting that job quickly and will have a load of fun doing it. I love the idea of moving back to Fort Wayne so that is my goal now to move back there and start living my own life instead of the one that everyone feels that I should be living.

There are so many that feel like they can tell me where to go and what to do and I know full good and well that it is in my best interest to get away from here. I will be so much healthier and happier that way. So I will write more soon.

Have a good night.

Oh If I only knew where to go

OH man I don't have a lot to say right now but I will later....Have a good day.

Tick Tock

Would you look at this it is May 6th and I have no idea what the next few weeks hold for me or for those around me. How I plan on making different choices or more importantly how do I leave this place and not hurt inside. The clock is quickly ticking on the time that I have here and I have no idea where I am going when I am done here or where what exactly the next step is. It never stops amazing me that God knows the beginning from the end and yet we as humans often times refuse to listen to what He is saying to us when we need to hear it the most.

Today I cried which is different for me. The idea of another family vacation or week spent here at home hurts inside. I do love my family, most days, but if you don't know them you would understand. I have been blessed with one of the best cousins on earth but she is off making her own life which is wonderful for her and I am so proud of her she is a college sophomore now, wow when the heck did that happen? I remember when everyone was making a big deal out of the fact that she was learning to drive and that 2 of us would have our drivers licensees. Now all 4 grandchildren have them and are running ourselves from place to place and not having a clue of what each other is up to now.

A year ago I was worried about graduation from college and getting a new job and where my future was going to take me. I was concerned about telling Eric how I feel about him and how our friendship would change forever. I stressed out about money and where I would live. I didn't have a clue what the future really held and that was that. What is strange is that I am still worried about many of those things and still don't know exactly what to do with them all. I am finally starting to get some other job interviews which is good because of the many different changes that are taking place in my life right now.

So as the clock runs down on what I am doing now and where I am headed I am hopeful and I am positive yet I worry because I am human. So now I go to bed and try to get some sleep. Have a good night everyone.

Random

There are so many things that haven't been said here lately because I don't know where to start. Change is once again in the wind. I don't know where to start or for that matter where to end this post so it may seem a bit random but here goes nothing.

1. Several people have quit their jobs at Marsh and have left the rest of us there to pick up the pieces of what we used to know as our lives. I have had to go to work everyday this week and my next day off is about 2 weeks away when we finally have enough people trained to cover the floor so the rest of us can have a couple of days off.

2. Got a phone call from Bethaney which was really nice and a good uplifting for me. I miss her I really really do. Even with all of the stupid things that I did that could have so easily cost me her friendship she is still there for me. We have drifted apart here in the last year but that is bound to happen I guess because of the different directions that our lives have taken. I hope to get to see her next week sometime because she will be fairly close. I miss the relationships that I had while I was in college and I miss being able to hang out with friends every night if I want to. This whole being an adult thing is rough because there is so much more that needs to be done than just hanging out.

3. My family is really starting to get to me and won't stay out of my business. Everyday is the same thing, Why aren't you married yet?, Why don't you date more?, Why don't you have a new job?, Why are there so many different men in your life?, Are you having sex?, Are you pregnant?, What are you doing with you life? Just a few questions that I have heard lately.

4. Got my grade for school and didn't do as bad in the last class as I thought I had but I still didn't get an A. It is the lowest grade I have ever gotten thus far in my Grad school career. I am not happy that I let it slip so much but I am sure that I will be okay and that this program will still be a success.

So life has been well life to say the least. I am sure that God is in this I am just so frustrated. I will follow up later. Have a good night.

New feelings

There aren't many times that I can say this and I think that is part of what makes it so hard for me to do so. I have found someone that I can trust, I can cry in front of, be irrational in front of, act like a brat toward and yet they want to be a part of my life and be around and be there for me. I don't know how to handle it all it is a new and different place for me to be.

Yesterday I went to work then to Fort Wayne to see a friend. We spent an hour or so together at his house just talking and then he did the one thing that caught me the most off guard, he wrapped his arms around me and held me close while I cried and it felt great to know that if nothing more he cared even though I struggle to accept people when the care about me. I didn't cry loud or long but I did in fact cry which is something that even a couple of months ago I wouldn't do because to me it seems to be a sign of weakness, especially from a girl. I don't want to be one of those girls who cries for no reason or shows that I can't handle high stress, high stakes type stuff.

I have talked to several good friends over the last few days and it has been nice for me. My childhood best friend Sarah has called and we have had the opportunity to talk for quite a while and it was nice to say the least. Here wedding is one month from tomorrow and that is hard for me to believe. Soon I will honestly be the last one of my closest friends to get married and that is a tough spot to be for me. I never imagined that I would be sitting here writing at 23 years old that all of my friends are getting married and I still have no idea where my life is going to take me.

I am looking for a job somewhere in the area. I would like one in Fort Wayne or a bit more locally so that I can maintain a certain level of respect for the people that I love and hopefully start my own life instead of having to live in the shadows of what has been. Well have a good day.

Momma said there'd be days like this

There'd be days like this momma said.

Today I got woke up early by the store and I didn't really want to go in but I am broke to say the least so I went and worked a 10 hour day which stunk. I went to Subway for lunch where I dropped an entire set of keys but someone was kind enough to turn them in and they happened to have my phone number on them so they called me to tell me that they had them and that I could come pick them up at any time.

Work has been fairly uneventful which has been nice. I applied to be transferred to the store that is being built in Naperville Illinois. It would be a huge step up and I do enjoy the industry. I have to commit to Marsh for 1 more year to be considered for the job and then I will have to follow through. I do understand what my family is saying about me moving across the country alone and how there can't be anyone there within a couple of hours if something were to happen. If this is what I am supposed to be doing with my life then I will go and I will be happy with the choice to be there. If not then I will live with that also.

I have started dating again and it has been nice. I had laid low since my heart got crushed but it is okay and I am ready to move on. I still love him no questions asked but it is clear to me that he doesn't love me in the same way. I miss him terriblily and one day we will be friends 'just like we used to be', but until then we will have to work with what we have. Anyway dating has been different. When I go out on dates it is to get to know someone better and to see if I think there is a possibility of them being in my life long term. I can see that the next year or longer could be difficult. I think with all of my close friends getting married it is starting to make me want to and need to grow up.

So look out life here I come. Everyone have a great day.

What a difference a Week Makes

A week ago I was worried about one of my best friends weddings and now that is over and it hasn't been easy for me to come to a complete peace about. It is official ladies and gentlemen I am now the 'single' one of the group of friends that I hold so dear. It is strange to think that when all is said and done I will be the last one to close the book on the single stage of my life and yet I have no idea when that is going to happen.

I will have pictures as soon as I get them back which should be in the next day or so. So I am going to do some errands and then perhaps write more of what is on my heart. Have a great day.

Soon and very soon

In just a few hours my best friend Elaina will be married...nothing more to say at the moment.

HMMMMM

The last week has been eventful but the next one will be as well.

Since I last posted there has been few changes of heart that I never thought that I would have and it hasn't been easy at all. I have decided to go ahead and move, no I don't have a job anymore and I don't have a place to live anymore but the burden on my heart for that city is so great that I am going to go ahead and go and then see what life throws my way as I do so. I am not sure when I will leave, I must have some money in savings for a while if I plan on leaving without a job but I am positive this is what I am going to do. There will be no more second guessing and no more absolute doubt of God's plan for me and therefore I will do this.

Eric and I had dinner with Bryan and Michelle on Friday night and had a pretty good time. Michelle could sooner or later grow on me. We had a lot of laughs and different conversations. The highlight of the evening was the cheesiest gift I have ever seen because of its contents but I am sure that Michelle meant well so we will not judge her on her lack of tack or creativity. Michelle and Bryan cooked dinner this time and Bryan turned 22 yesterday, I haven't talked to him yet but I am sure he had a good day. We got home late on Friday night then Eric went back to school because he was pretty close to missing his curfew.

Saturday I spent the night with Rob at his house watching movies which wasn't a big deal but man I was tired on Sunday. We watched all kinds on movies all night and had a lot of fun just hanging out. We talked about all kinds of stuff between movies and laughed and then when I left his house at 9 am to drive home I still hadn't been to bed and was definitely feeling it. I have to admit that I didn't go to church Sunday morning I elected to try to get some sleep which I did get a bit but not nearly enough. I went to church Sunday night and that was good pastor has a whole lot on his heart I can tell he for some reason is struggling to put all the words out there to the congregation.

This week is going to rough for me and I know it. Elaina gets married on Saturday and I would venture to guess that is when it will hit me that I am in fact not yet married and have no idea when that will happen. I am sure the wedding will be beautiful and wonderful but it will still be hard to stand there and watch one of my best friends get married when I am no where near that step in my life at the moment. I have to work a couple of days this week and do a lot of running for the wedding and stuff but it will be a successful week one way or another. I also promise I will post some pictures for everyone of the wedding and stuff.

Have a great day.

Sigh

There is a great thing taking shape in my life....more to come.

Wow what a week

So this week is over and I am not sure what on earth happened to it but I guess in the big picture that is a good thing for me and for those around me. This week has had been over all uneventful, with the exception on my attempt to cut my pinky finger off while I was at work on Saturday. After taking the bandages off today to see how gross it would look without being covered I discovered that I cut it worse then I thought I did but I will survive I still can't believe that I managed to do it.

Lets see what all happened this week...hmmm...Larry and I talked pretty much every night till well into the morning hours although I still don't know what type of relationship I would like to have with him. The problem is really that he tends to disappear for months at a time and never tells anyone when he has gone, that is how we ended up being separated for such a long time anyway, so I just need to know what type of friendships or relationship I want and/or can have with him.

On Monday we walked again only to have to come home because I just wasn't feel too good at all but it okay. I worked all week and really started cracking down on some of this school work that needs to be done. Yesterday Bryan called and we talked for a while but then I had to cut the conversation short and didn't realize that I had forgotten to call him back until about fifteen minutes ago so I will call him tomorrow after my minutes go to free.

Church today as good for me and getting to sit and listen to Pastor Cox talk about having options for the future, even when we don't know what they are yet. My church finally got a web-page up and running so here it is www.warsawupc.com.

Everyone have a good night.

The Walk

Larry and I walked last night for a very long time and as we walked I was forced to consider what I feel about him and how I plan on having him in my life or for that matter how I plan on not having in my life. Larry has been through so much and I don't know if I am able to deal with that or if I should just let him go and pretend that he never came back into my life. I don't know, I don't want to turn my back but I don't want to get hurt again by him either. I am sure I will figure it out sooner or later, hopefully it is sooner and not later.

There is no title today because I simply can't think of one to put there. Today was a long day for me mainly because I spent Easter alone and I don't mean alone in a room full of people I mean just me all alone on a day generally set aside for families and Rembering what Christ did for us.

I did a whole lot of walking and thinking and trying to get all of this together that I need to over the next few weeks but still here I sit undecided as to how to follow up on the events that I generally refer to as my life. I sat down today and wrote a list of things that I need to do and I have to admit that there are some items that appear more than once because of their importance and my lack of responding to them for so long. The list has 10 items in all even though it is 15 items long that I will deal with over the next week so that I can get the ball rolling.

I also figured out what I will need to live on my own and how soon I can have all of the money saved up so that I can get out of here. It shouldn't be long now and I can't wait. I miss Eric I hope we get to talk again soon. He is so good when it comes to listening to me talk about nothing for hours because I get so flustered.

Remember the reason today (actually yesterday by now) is what it is and that only by the Grace of God have we all gotten to where we are right now. Have a great day.

Where to begin

Sigh....

So it has been a week since I have written anything here to follow up on what all is going on in my own little world here so here we go.

I had a good conversation with Bryan on the phone the other day only to have him hang up on me and discontinue the conversation with a promise that he would call me back, which he hasn't. We were talking about stability and goals and the lack of them he has and how he really needs to start thinking a bit more long term than he is. (okay the advice goes both ways but still at least I am aware of the fact). The conversation came to an abrupt halt when I told him that there are days that I sit and cry for him because I don't really know what else to do for him. I really do love Bryan, even though he gets on my nerves at times and I pray that he figures 'it' out whatever 'it' is.

My baby brother turned 18 this past week and is not proclaiming himself to be an adult however it does appear that he forgot the parts about paying his own bills and getting a job but what am I to do with that kind of information. He as really been a pain in my butt here lately and it just seems to be getting worse and worse because he really does feel that he is entitled to something.

Larry has recently come back into my life and I am still trying to figure out what I am going to do with all of that. It is clear that I do love him and that I miss him so much, imagine my surprise that after 3 years he walks into the church while I am standing on the platform. I was shocked to say the least but it was good and we have spent quite a bit of time talking over the last week. His girls have gotten so big of course they are in their teens now and that is kind of hard for me to wrap my brain around. We have had a lot of fun times this week and I look forward to them here in the future but I must decide where to draw the lines when it comes to how attached I am going to allow myself to get to Larry and the girls.

Last night I had a good time with coffee at Courthouse Coffee with Eric where we were by far the oldest two people in the whole place and that was including the staff. We talked about all kind of things which we do no matter where we go but since it was cold and rainy outside there was no real good place to go and walk or sit around and do nothing at so we just sat there and took up space, drove around, and really started to define the different aspects of our lives that we want to work on most and how they fit into the rest of our goals. So it was a great night of just hanging out and being together which is exactly what I needed.

Today was a long day at work, a phone call from Larry, and now homework for me who has gotten it down to an art form when it comes to putting it off till the last possible moment. So everyone have a great night and I will write soon and keep this place more up to date...I'm sure you've heard that one before.

Two part post

Part One
Last night was a good night for me and I have to say that I learned about myself and my friends in just a few short hours. After nearly a week of planning Eric and I went and cooked dinner for Bryan and Michelle and had some long conversations with them, in an attempt to reach out to them, and show them that we can in fact be in the same room and reach out to them even though we are always the biggest fans of their relationship.

Yesterday afternoon I went and purchased the items needed for a meal then went home to work on what could be done before we left for Bryan's. The meal was a Suzuki I cooked and it was quite impressive for me. Being domestic is not always my strong suit so to have something edible at the end of the night it was really nice. Here is what I cooked. Baked chicken breast, mashed potatoes (real ones not gross box stuff), green beans with shallots, cheese, Italian biscuits, cheese cake and cholate covered strawberries that I dipped myself. So needless to say I was proud of my cooking talent that I don't get to show off real often.

We sat around the table like adults and talked about issues of the day and faith issues that arise when you are growing up. Michelle is a PK and doesn't always act like she is or if she even cares about the extra expectancies that the world has for her. She definitely a lost in the house kind of person. Bryan is different as well in his stand points on faith and how they are to be expressed to those that are in the world. Very rarely do I find a time when I question a persons faith or fate for that mater. I wonder about their salvation and feel as though this is the first of many outreach efforts on Eric and I's parts.

The night over all at least from where I sat was a good night and I was surprised to learn stuff about myself that I didn't think I would. I didn't realize how much I really need quality friends and how much I want them to be saved. I never knew exactly how painful it would be to listen to people that I have known for years make fools of themselves because they don't want to acknowledge the power of God in their lives. I am so happy that last night was a success and look forward to the next time we all get together.

Part Two
Emotionally I have been all over the map over the last few weeks and struggle to get it all in order. The decision to not move to Utah has not come easily for me and I know that there are times when I think that I have really messed this thing up. There is so much more that I want to say but I will save it for later. Everyone Have a great day.

Speed Bumps

There are times where there are bumps in the road that you did not expect nor that you want to deal with and there really isn't anything that you can do about them. I will have more on this thought later. Hope you all had a great day.

What a Week

So now is the time to do a bit of explaining to some of those who read this. I didn't give up my job for a guy, first and foremost because that seems to be the first big question when I tell people that I am not taking the job. I gave up the job because of so much more than a guy. It has been a rough few days trying to explain it to those who really need to know and frankly hide the fact from those who I don't want to know quite yet. When people hear that I have decided to put off moving there are several questions that inevitably follow so let me answer them here:

Are you okay?
--Yes I am fine although I am not saying that this has been an easy change of mind set for me. I honestly don't know what the future holds but for right now this is the choice that I had to make.

Do you have another job?
--No, which proves troublesome for someone with more money outstanding than is even reasonable because of college and the numerous cars that I have gone through in the past few years.

What are you planning on doing now?
--Wow, what a good question. I don't really know yet and that is very scary. Nothing better than putting yourself out there to be pulled and molded by God than when you have no idea what plans or direction you life is going to be taking, talk about faith. I plan on building some major faith and finding a new job as soon as possible.

Are you worried?
--Yes, more so than I have ever been and I have no idea what I am going to do right now but there is one thing that I am sure of, God is in control and I don't like not being in control so these next couple weeks are going to hurt but I will survive and be stronger because of them.

So as for what the future holds I have no idea and that freaks me out. I am going to regroup and continue to fight this battle till it is won. I will try to keep everyone up to date. Have a great day.

A bit of a Catch up post

Let me give you a brief run down of the last few days. Saturday was a day of traveling and it was nice to sit and think about what all is going on in my life. For those of you who don't know, I came to Utah on Saturday for a vacation but I have decided to turn down the job that I have here. I am going to push my dream of moving away off for a while, which will come as a shock to many of you who read this.

So Saturday I flew and sat in airports all day and landed in Salt Lake City at about 11 pm local time (1 am at home), then came straight to the hotel to get some sleep but not before stopping to pick up the rental car. The car that I had reserved wasn't at the airport which posed a problem since I just wanted to get some sleep and needed a car to get to the hotel. Once it was all said and done I am driving the nicest car I have ever been in this week. It is a 2005 Volvo with all the bells are whistles.

Sunday I spent the day running around. I went to a wonderful church here that I can very easily see myself being a part of in the future, just not quite yet. The drove the 60 miles from Salt Lake to Spanish Fork Utah and ate dinner with the wonderful Preston family. Alan is in my class and I met him when I was out here last time and we had a good time them but Sunday it was wonderful. We ate dinner as a family, well their family, plus sons girlfriends, and me but still. If you set aside holidays I honestly can't remember the last time that my family sat down and ate together. After dinner they thought me how to play this card game called pounce that was so much fun and I actually wasn't as bad at it as I thought I would be, I even won one round which really surprised me and then I couldn't remember what I needed to yell once I went out but then they got it that I was out. Then we played some word games that Alan and I won at both rounds. I met Heidi who I have talked to several times and she is even more wonderful than I thought she would be. We sat around and talked for a while then Heidi headed back to school about an hour north of Salt Lake. I stayed and talked for a while then their whole family kneeled to pray together which was something that was very different for me. It was very powerful to kneel with an entire family and pray before the youngest ones went off to bed. I have never been so touched in my life.

Today was a good day. I went skiing and then did some other running around here in the city and now I am back at the hotel working my way through the school work that I know need to get done. I have cried today and felt emotions that I haven't felt in years including knowing that I will be okay.

There is so much that I have to explain to so many people when I get home and it won't be easy. The beginning of this post will come as a shock to many and I promise that I am not giving up on my dream, I am simply reorganizing some of my thought process. I am taking time to regroup and reprioritize and when it is time to deal with all of the back lash that will come from the choice that I have made then I will. As for right now I am going to sleep. Have a great day everyone.

Utah

Need I really say more? I landed here late last night and just got up but I am so happy to be here. Now to do complete what I came here for. I will write more later tonight.

School

Today has been stressful and mind numbing. I hate accouting...it isn't even a matter of disliking it, I hate it.

So

So is the best way I have found to describe the last couple of days. I want to be a bit more specific and I will be but just not right now.

Bad to Good

So yesterday was a very rough day for me to put it lightly.

I quit my job, yes it is true after 7 years of employment I walked out the front doors and sobbed uncontrollably. I was so upset yet perfectly content with the decision to walk out the door. I am not sorry that I left nor I am really thinking that I want to go back. But I have a meeting with Mr. Pegg in the morning to discuss what happened and see if there is any middle ground to be had regarding what happened. I am sure it will be okay no matter what the final word is.

Last night was a late night but in a great way. I got to spend time with Bethaney and Frieda and just hang out. We went to a hockey game in Fort Wayne then off to Stake N' Shake for the rest of the evening. It was great to see them and talk to them both and just get out with people that I can stand. I have noticed more and more that I don't hang out with people that I like and the ones that I do don't live here anymore. Oh well. I'm off to bed. Have a good night.

Power shift

Today was a day of power shifting in my life. There have been many opportunities that have come forth in my life and I haven't had a clue on how to deal with them. I know that it is not going be easy to deal with a flux of sorts in my own life. Today I have been all over the map emotionally. Let me recap my day.

Got up to go to work, no big deal really, but when I got to work I found out that there are several opening for office staff, that I had once again been overlooked for. This made me angry to say the least but I dealt with it and went to store management to see why I haven't even been considered for these jobs. So at work all day I was stressed out and I honestly don't know if I still work for Marsh Supermarkets, that is something that I will find out in the morning.

Went to church tonight, not because I wanted to but because I had to. Taught the 6-9 year olds and had a horrible time at it. This was my last week teaching and now I can cut my ties to the church which I am really looking forward to doing. Tonight was rough and sad and happy for me, I can now start off on a different journey from here.

Today I have laughed, cried, ripped peoples heads off (sorry to all of you it really wasn't personal), kicked, stomped, punched, and even cursed because of all of the emotions going on in my head at the moment. I don't know exactly where to put them and I am sure that I will sooner or later figure out a good place for them.

Bethaney will get to Fort Wayne in the morning and Elaina will get here some time early Saturday, man I miss them both but at the same time I don't want to face them with the choices that I have made of late because I know that both will be disappointed.

I leave for Salt Lake City in just over a week and I can' t wait to get away from here and take a break and get some confirmation from God on what in the world is going on in my life. So I am stressed out to say the least. Everyone have a good day.

Today was different

Today I wasted the entire day at work. I honestly really didn't do anything and that may be the biggest understatement ever. So now I get ready and I go sleep. Wow how unproductive can one person be.

Today I Sailed On

Last night was a different kind of night for me. I didn't really like where it all headed or how it played out in my mind but it was a good thing. There were so many different things that could have taken place once I had a chance to really process but in the end it all ended up strangely peaceful for me. I am still dealing with changing currents that I have called my life for the last few months. I have so many different things set before and yet I don't know which one to pick up and run with. I have so many feelings and there is no real place to put them. I know there will come a time when I will know but when that comes will I be able to deal with them and all that it initials.

At the end of nearly every one of Christopher Columbus' journals that he wrote as he sailed across the ocean to what he believed were the West Indies he would conclude the days problems the phrase today I sailed on. So I took this approach to my day and it really helped me. Today I sailed on. The ship's rudder broke yet today I sailed on, the waves came crashing down but today I sailed on, the winds pushed me off course still today I sailed on, wow how powerful is that. Life is like that I think in many ways. No matter what happens there must be time to sail on and push though. I suppose I'm in a time of pushing but that doesn't make it easy.

So today I walked on. It was not easy and there is still a mix of emotions running around in my head that I am not quite sure how to deal with because I simply refuse to do so yet I know that there will be a time and a place when it will no longer be an option and it will be more or a necessity to deal with them all. I plan on talking to several good friends over the next few days and putting some of this to rest before I go crazy or drive everyone around me crazy in the process.

School has been good for me and allows me a release that I don't get at work or other places. It gives me a chance to remember that I can do anything that I set my mind to if I simply set down and do it will all I have. I am still struggling through this class but it is a good thing and I now know more about accounting than I ever had so here goes nothing.

Have a good day!

A New Low

Today I have hit a new low even for myself. It is hard to explain really but I know I have and those who know me well enough can see it on my face. I have a desire for something that I can't have and that isn't a place that I really want to be at all. I know that there are going to be times when we know what is going on in God's little world but right now I would really like Him to clue me in and do it fast. I am not a good waiter and I need to see if everything is going to work out or if I have simply lost my mind and that is all there is to that. I hate being like this. I am an emotional train wreck at the moment and not really because of all of this but it isn't helping at all at the moment. I can laugh and two seconds later be in tears in anger or frustration and I for some strange reason can't seem to get a hold of it.

Emotionally anguish I guess you would have to call it if nothing else. I know so much yet I feel like I am so little. I am forced to look at my core beliefs and decided what it is that I hold most dear or if I want to walk away from it all and start over. I have to be honest and admit that walking away and starting over seems like the best choice for me at the moment. I know that there are going to be moments when I will crave everything that I have now but I have turned my back on everything I have ever known over the last few weeks and there seems to be more that I need to put behind me now more than ever.

Last night I went to my old high school and stood beside the bleachers as they read my brothers name on what is his last night as a senior band member at Whitko High School and many emotions came running back to me. I once stood in that very line waiting and not wanting to get emotional about what was happening. It marked the beginning of the end of my high school career. I knew that there would be many trials ahead, of course I had already faced so many in the two years prior. So there I stood staring at the old gymnasium and looking up at the band in the place that I once sat and I wanted to cry as I quickly remembered all the good times and all the bad times that took place in that very spot, in that very building, on any day or any night and the countless hours I spent trying to prove myself to all of those people. My emotions took over and it was like I was back there were we once stood and I knew exactly what was going on and I knew exactly where I stood. The faces were different yet amazingly the same. I saw new hands holding the instruments yet could see the emotion on everyone's face. It was the last game for six of those band members I know that although they are excited about the future they are also scared to death about what lies ahead. The next few months will not be easy for them and the transitions will be huge yet they will all be okay.

So I stood there for a while seeing some old teachers who wanted to know what I had decided to do with my life, although I can give them a whole list of my accomplishments so far that didn't seem enough because my answer is really, I have done nothing with my life, I have gone to school and dated around and that is about it. I am not getting married, like so many that I went to school with, I am not in a career, like a traditional college graduate should be, I am not even sure what I am going to be doing tomorrow no less six months or a year from now. I have no idea where I am headed and more importantly I have no idea how on earth I plan to get there. But yet I stood there proud of everything I haven't done because I know that sooner or later I will settle down into what is considered normal and it will all be Okay and no one will think twice about how long it took me to get there.

To add to my flash from the past my roommate from college Bethaney gave me a call today and we talked for an hour about her life and how it is going and how she is enjoying her new found career. I am happy that she is happy but it makes me long for that even more than I already do. She isn't getting married which is nice, I don't mean that to be mean but all of my friends are getting married and it is starting to sting a bit every time I go to a wedding and another person I know is starting their 'happily ever after' and yet I sit here and wait simply to see how things just might play out. Bethaney is wonderful and I may even get to see her next weekend if everything works out like we hope it will.

I have so much more to say but for now I need to sleep. Have a good night everyone.

Steam valve

Writing has become a way for me to let off steam. When I feel myself quickly approaching the boil over point I am able to sit down and write about anything that I want or that is on my mind. The problem is I wonder if I hurt other people by trying to remain controlled and saving it all for here.

Alone

I have never felt so alone and it is hard to express what I am feeling right now.

I feel like no one cares what I say or what I do. No one cares where I go or if I stay here, like my whole world is spinning and I can't seem to find a way to get it to stop. There are many times that I have wondered what on earth I am doing and I have even acted on these pinned up emotions but when they come out they just don't feel like they mean anything to anyone, even me. I put so much time and effort into making sure that I don't feel emotions or that I am able to cover them up that when it is time to face them or let them out before I hurt myself or someone else I panic or in my world worse I express them.

I am a pusher, no surprise there for anyone who has met me. I push away those who I care about and as a result have lost some very close friends. I don't loose them because of who they are I loose them because of what I do when I am around them and how I act. When I feel like someone is getting to close I push and I push hard. The problem with this is that I then get upset with myself and with them when they don't stick around to see that what I said and what I did weren't personal, it was just a form of self protection.

I want someone to love me, hold me, make me feel safe, smile when I come into a room, and care about me. I want someone who knows that what I am saying does not always mean that much and that they need to look into my eyes to see my real emotions. I know that this is asking a lot but it is what I want or for that matter need. I want to be needed and cared for and be the center of the universe for someone special. I don't know how to express these things to others and that makes it very hard for me. I have so many things running through my head at the moment that it is impossible to sort them all out. I DO NOT expect these things to happen over night but still I crave it so. When I am in a room with someone I want to think that I am safe.

**Disclaimer**
I am an emotional bottler. I don't deal with my emotions a daily basis, I simply refuse to do so. I know this isn't healthy and I am really working on it. This a huge growing and painful process for me. Please bare with me for a while.

The Dilemma

There are moments when everything seems very clear cut and there is nothing to worry about when it comes down to it. There are moments when all there seem to be are more questions. I am at one of those moments.

I have started seeking a new relationship and the commitment that it entails. I have met a good guy who seems over all genuine but still I don't really know if I want a relationship now for several reasons.

1. I am not over my last one and still dream of us being able to work through my mistakes.
2. I am moving away from here
3. He already has 3 wonderful boys
---Just so you know it doesn't bother me that he has children or even that he has been married before, what bothers me is the amount of commitment it will take to introduce me to their lives. I don't want to interrupt the life that they have or worse have something happen between me and him and leave them feeling abandoned again.
4. Pure fear
---What if this works out. I have said several times that I want a relationship and a family but this is not quite how I have been picturing it over the last few years. If it does work out what do I do with my plans for Utah, or the dreams that I have set out to achieve. Would I still care or would I always regret letting a 'guy' allow me to change them? I don't know here, it really scares me.
5. What if he finds out about the things that I have done? I don't know if he would understand where I was when they took place.

I know this sounds childish, but there are so many other things going in my mind and in my heart right now that I am still working through. I still feel completely and utterly alone in the world and I am sure that is why this all seems so strange to me. Anyway, I need to go think. There will be more to write later.

A Quote

Today while I was driving and thinking off in my own little world I saw several quotes that were worth remembering as I passed signs:

--Worry is misuse of imagination
This one really hit close to home for me because I am a worrier and that may be the largest understatement ever. I want to over analyze everything that I can and know that it really isn't going to get me anywhere unless I simply make a decision and stick with it. I don't just worry at times I am even able to make myself sick over the possibilities. Wow this was a thought that I pondered for quite sometime. I have to admit that I am not going to quite worrying over all but I am going to work on not worrying as much.

--A Mistake can be just that

--If there are no reasons to say yes then why do we...If there are all the reasons in the world to why don't we.

--Miles are a relative term.

--Even the smallest journey takes faith.

Just some thoughts I picked up for today. I will have more to write later but for now I must go.

NO Title

Today has no title so perhaps that is why I titled it just that. I have had a life changing day and in many ways this is not a good thing but it is nice to have some movement in your life no matter what direction it is in. There are several paths laid out in front of you and you have to choose which one to go down and at the moment I have chosen one that will allow me to continue to redefine my limits, my thoughts, my outlook's, and more importantly my fears. I am not ready to get back to God with everything that is going on in my heart and I still completely and utterly alone and that pain has only gotten worse over the last few days.

I have no idea what I am going to do on the path that I am currently on. I am however sure that there are going to be times in the imitate future that I disappoint those who mean the most to me and those who have looked up to me even when I didn't know that they were. This will be the hardest part by far and facing those fears that I have chosen to keep inside will hurt not only me I am afraid. There are so many others that will be directly affected.

I am still alone and I am still afraid, and for now today was just another day, but then again so is tomorrow.

Tears

Tears fell down my face today as I sat and really thought about where I find myself at the moment. There are times in life when you need to go over the 'checklist' that you have prepared for yourself even if you don't know its there. The list of things that you want, the dreams that you have, the hope for the future, the goals that you have reached, the ones you still have to strive for and pretty much anything else that pops into your mind at the time.

I cried and cried and cried and cried, did I mention I cried. I was just so stressed out and needed the cry and it was wonderful. And now I have to figure out what to do with it. More to come I'm sure.

Where to go from here

The last few days have not been pleasant for me. A couple of days ago I had a long conversation with my cousin that gave me some stuff to think about even if I wasn't listening to her at the time in question (see Staci I do listen from time to time). I even saved the conversation for reference later because I knew that she really believed what she was saying even if I wasn't willing to listen to her at the time. Here are a few quotes...

Julia says:

I just feel so alone and I don't mean in a relationship sense...Sarah is getting married and has moved away, elaina is getting married and has moved away, eric is gone because I, for the first time really reached and put everything i had on the line,

Julia says:

bryan is getting married, it is just hard to be the last one at everything and right now that is exactly what i am

Staci says:

I know it's hard to see...but maybe God's trying to get you to truly fall in love with Him first before he brings things that could take your heart also...and the only way you may see it is if He strips everything else away for a while

Staci says:

I speak those words from experience

Julia says:

staci, i don't want to see it

Julia says:

im not jumping into a relationship, let me make that clear, but i don't want to be alone any more, i know god is there but that's not what i mean, i just want someone to give a crap about me

Staci says:

there are many people who do give a crap about you...look at the people who have stuck with you through high and low times. I know you don't want to see it, and I can't make you...you have to do it on your own...

Staci says:

and I know you may not want to hear the "God junk" and I understand that...but I really believe everything we go through is for the purpose of drawing us closer to God...and the fact you are feeling so alone and like no one gives a crap...well maybe God sees something in your heart reflecting those emotions between you and him.

This was just a piece of what we said to one another. There are so many ways that my mind has been going over the last few weeks that this is just the beginning. As for where to go from here, I think it would be best to sit back an look at some of this objectively.

Conversations

I have had 2 path altering conversations in the past 2 days and they have been a good thing, I think. I have spent several hours over the last week in tears about life in general. I have never felt so alone in all my life. I am sure I will have more to say later. Everyone have a good night.

Yesterday

Yesterday I wrote a long post and then it didn't get published which in retrospect may be a good thing, at least for me. Some of the things that I said in it were not nice and could have easily hurt people that they were said about. To be honest I even named names of people who have hurt me or that I feel like don't care nearly as much as they say they do. Today I will keep my post short and not go into the detail and the emotions that I allowed myself to get into yesterday that is for sure.

Church tonight was different to say the least but it was still good. I will have more to say later but for now I need to take a break.

Defining moments

I'm not sure how often you should have a defining moment in life but there are several that I see in the not so distant future for me and they scare me because in many ways they will change the direction I am headed and what tools I will need to get there.

1. To find a special someone and settle down or remain single and forgo the whole 'family' thing
2. Career, career, career...I have spent several and by that I mean 5 in all now and quickly approaching 6 years in school and still am struggling to find something that I know I will love.
3. Truth, how do I explain everything as truthfully as possible and not get hurt in the long run.
4. Do I stay or do I go? The question so simple yet so very complex for me. There is so much at stake here and I know that I could be happy there.

The one moment that I have already had is letting go. It hurt and even as I write about it I sit here and cry. The relationship that I have tried to hold onto for so long is now gone and I will never have it again. I drew my lines and stood my ground and lost it all. I knew that could happen, I really did, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. The person that I could so easily have seen myself marrying is now out of my life and contact has been completely ended for the time being. I am sure that over time things will slowly change back to what we had before now.

1000 words

A picture is worth 1000 words or so they say so what is a feeling or emotion worth? I have to wonder. How much can I tie up with simple emotions.

Amazing

Today my thought is just a worship chorus:

Amazing, Amazing, I can't believe what You've done for me
Amazing, Amazing, Your love amazes me.

No place to start

There are so many times that when you look over a situation that you find yourself in there is really no place to start. There is no place to draw lines and there is no place to say, ah this is how my journey here began. It is hard for me to see where my story began that ultimately ended up in this week. There is no need to really elaborate because it is nothing if not complicated.

I have a story to be told but no way to really tell it. So until I have a beginning and an ending I think I will simply keep it to myself.

Wow

Today in church it was awesome even though I didn't really move or respond a whole lot I loved what Pastor Cox had to say about thing that are going on. He spent most of the night talking about commitment and how families teach their children to hold things such as the church as important things in their lives. If a mother and a father are not willing to pray with their child or are not willing to seek help when it is needed then the children will now learn these things either and eventually they will not have these values themselves and will struggle to find their place when they are on their own. I know that I just did the message no justice whatsoever but trust me it was good.

It really gave me some things to think about and pray about and really start to define some of my own limits. This is going to be a real task over the next few months because I don't know where for sure I am going to draw them. Transition is a difficult place to be to say the least and I know that the next little while I will defining my commitment more and more.

Eric wrote some very interesting stuff today that I really appreciated and was right up my alley as far as things I need to hear. He is changing with everyday of school and I love how honest he can be about the things that he is dealing with. It is amazing how even though I have known him since I was 12 and he was 11 we are in such a difficult place in both out lives for two different reasons. I want nothing more than to be completely honest with him about everything yet I really can't not right now because of where I am really sitting spiritually and emotionally. He has been there through so much but this one time I need to deal with this all alone then go to him and tell him how I feel. I don't want to live in the past and I have no intention of doing so which I think is why I found his writing so pivotal today.

Today was a good day and tomorrow will be better. Back to school on Thursday but you win some you loose some, and in all honesty accounting can't be as bad as econ.

And it snowed

So last night was a long night and now I am 100% confined to my house until we get the drive way cleaned up. I can't even get out of my parking space. It is a bit overwhelming. Last night it just snowed and didn't stop for a long while. I did get to talk to Eric for a while but not a long while so it was nice to just stand outside and smile and chat with him. I love that boy, I don't think I can say that enough or perhaps I say it to much.

There are so many different things that need to be said that I don't know how to say. This is a good thing and it will allow me the time to really get the wording and the approach right.

Although I am disappointed about not being able to go away this weekend it has been good for me to just take some time for me. I don't do that real often and it really is nice. I have two more days to waist and I'm loving every minute of it. I don't like being trapped at home with a brother who can't drive anywhere because he managed to total mom's car but it is okay. As long as we try not to spend to much time in the same room it will all work out to be okay.

So I will be around all day tomorrow but I don't know where exactly I will be. I am also thinking that in the not so distant future I am going to go see Nina for a couple of days since she moved away. That seems to be a theme for single people in my church...Moving away. There really isn't anything here for us and that doesn't make staying any easier. So I am going to do stuff all night, I don't know what all 'stuff' is but it will no doubt be good for me.

Survey says

So we just found out that the car that Kyle wrecked yesterday is totaled. That's right my mom's Buick has bit the dust and now we start the ever popular search for a new car and figure out what on earth we are going to do with the old one.

It will be an even longer weekend than I thought...sigh.

So today

Today I walked and walked and walked then when I was done walking alone, I came home and sat alone and it was wonderful. There were so many moments where I was honestly thinking about nothing at all and I loved every minute of it. There was peace and joy the same as I just walked.

I am sure I will have more to write later but for now I must say Good-bye.

Changes of plans

As it snows more and more, I am stuck here in Indiana which is not where I had planned on being to say the least. I expected to well on my way to a place where it is warmer and my old friends are close at hand, yet here I sit in my mom's kitchen on my computer completely ticked off about the whole situation.

These last few days have been difficult to say the least. Between poor decision making on my part, feeling abandoned by friends, and needing that relationship to get started it has been a bit bumpy. So now I have a 4 day weekend to waist and I plan on doing just that. I plan on sleeping in to late and not caring, I plan on eating junk food and not worry about calories, and most importantly I plan to take some time just for me to work on putting into order some of the issues that I have on my heart.

Today I read a blog about taking things too personally when it comes to friendships and such. I do take it personally that Bryan won't listen to me and think about what he is doing to his life while attempting to spend it with a girl who is out to break his heart. I do take it personally that he isn't willing to think that the pain I feel is justified and understandable. I do take it personally that Eric isn't willing to consider something that is right in front of him. I do take it personally that he is so sure his parents wouldn't accept a girl because of the way she looks, it does hurt. And more importantly I take it personally when members of my own family are set that the choices that I am making in my own life are the wrong ones and aren't willing to take the time to listen to what I have to say and why I am choosing the things that I am choosing.

So tomorrow I will take a walk in the snow and think. Then I will sit around and think about what it was that I took time to walk and think about. This will still be the long weekend that I was so looking forward to, the problem is it simply won't be in the same location that I wanted it to be in. Oh well such is life.

The next few days

The next few days are going to be wonderful for me. I am headed off for a few days and you won't be able to reach me, so don't try. Econ is over woohoo and now I have 7 days to do as I please and I plan to make the best of them. Have a good weekend.

Homework

Homework isn't a pleasant thing yet it is a necessary evil. So I will be here tied to my computer for the next several hours.

Two Days later

It is 2 days later and I still can't stop thinking about the things that I witnessed on Saturday night. The hurt and the pain that my close friend is experiencing and for the most part is completely unaware is taking place. I have cried, prayed, and even begged God to open his eyes to this unfairness that has over taken his life.

I have sat in shock and I have been in complete denial for the most part about some of the stuff that took place yet I know that I am loved. Not in a relationship sense but in a I have a cousin who loves me, friends who genuinely care about me, and a life that although it has hit some speed bumps along the way will be okay.

Tonight I will pray for all of my friends and family especially those who do not know God and wonder around facing things that are not necessary.

Hurt

Last night a was a painful night for me. Eric picked me up shortly after 6 and we went off to see our friend Bryan and talk to him about his current choice of relationship. We both care deeply for Bryan and I can honestly say that I have been disgusted with the way he has chosen to go about his dating life. The girl that he has had a crush on has done nothing but break his heart and kill his emotions and from where I stand this is the last thing that he needs. There are enough other issues in his life at the moment that a new girlfriends, who either doesn't care or has a very strange way of showing it, isn't what he needs or even deserves.

For quite a while it was just the three of us hanging out because Michelle, the new girlfriend, bailed out when she found out that I would be coming into town as well. There were a few opportunities to ask Bryan why he is choosing the things that he is and strangely enough he really didn't have an answer to any of it. We chatted for quite a long time then decided to see if we could get a hold of Michelle and see if we could in fact meet up with her at Applebee's for a while and just hang out and talk. This was important to me because I wanted to finally meet Michelle and see if the things the Bryan himself had described to me were in fact as he said, and much to my own dismay they were even worse than I had thought.

We all had drinks, except Eric who had ice tea, but nothing to heavy. I had a strawberry daquori, Bryan had 2 beers, Michelle had a smoothie type drink, and Joe, who I will explain in a minute had 2 beers but we clearly over his limit before the night got to far underway. We all sat around and chatted but Joe was different, he is the reason that Michelle can't seem to give Bryan the love that he deserves. Michelle and Joe have been friends for years and that is great and they even dated for what appears to be a fairly long time. Joe spent the entire night attacking Bryan and Eric directly but seemed to stay away from me and the things that I had to say. The word for him I would have to say is jerk and that is the nicest one that I can come up with. Between the fact that he used the f-word every chance he got and the fact he made off color, at best, jokes about Eric and Bryan and the things that they do he wasn't winning any points with anyone at the table.

What made this trip out for drinks ever worse was the fact that while Eric and I were trying to watch how Bryan and Michelle interact with each other she in choose to ignore the fact Bryan was even there and spent all of her time talking to Joe and whispering into his ear about different things that were apparently not good enough for the rest of the table to hear. This whole process sent Bryan back to being a 5 year-old kid trying to get mommy's attention and get someone to pay attention to him and what he was doing, and from where I sat this was painful to watch.

I love Bryan, I really do no matter how angry he makes me at times and I want him to be happy and smile and enjoy his life yet he seems to feel this need to self distrust that no one can get through to him that needs to stop. Today I hurt for Bryan and the things that I witnessed last night and the pain that will follow. My heart breaks that the lost feel this need to hurt themselves, nearly convincing themselves that this is the way that it needs to be. The world that they live in isn't worthy of showing them love and they simply accept that.

I am so thankful that I am no longer lost and that I know the truth even if I choose not to follow it at times. Today with tearful eyes and a broken heart for a dear friend, I thank God I am no longer there.

There is a great piece written about last night on Eric's sight if you would like to read it. www.ericbradley.com

Regret

Regret is a strange thing...

Often times you know that you are going to regret doing something before you even do it. You know what you are about to say is going to hurt the person you say it to yet you go ahead and say it anyway. You know the action that you are about to take part in is wrong and yet you do it anyway. It is strange to think that there are so many times that you know 100% that you will regret what you are doing and yet we continue to do so.

So here I sit looking over my life relizing how much regret I have really built up. Sigh...

Hey baby its cold outside

Man it is cold. It is hard to believe that it was 60 degrees here a few days ago..Actually 3 days ago and now we are hovering near zero. There was an avalanche in my beloved Utah today where it is expected that several people have died and that doesn't make it any easier to think about. My cousin was worried about me and I love that about her. I'm not even in Utah but because she couldn't figure out where I was because I hadn't seen or talked to her in a few days she actually had concern for me. So even as I sit here cold, I know that I am loved.

So

Here I am at 11:05 trying to find something to express what is going on inside and yet I really can't. I know that there are feeling that are building up and I know that I don't like them so much yet here I am trying to define what what they are.

Old Times

There are things that are old when we think about them. They are vast in range yet seem so simple. Sunday night while standing on the platform of my church praise singing as I have several times before I realized that I don't have the same drive that many of the old time hymn writers had.

Amazing grace how sweet the sound....
When we all get to heaven....
Out from under the shadows....
Come on and walk on the water with me....

The most power songs are not the contemporary ones that we all know and sing but those that tell a story of how they came to be.

Today I spent a whole lot of time thinking, which I am starting to think (hahaha) was a bad idea. I am going to make some final decisions about my future in the next 48 hours so if you read this...Pray.

hmmm...

Today was a strange day for me. Trying to find a way to open up yet getting nowhere so fast that it nearly drove me nuts. I know that there are times when it is right to open up and show that 'human' side of myself yet today appears to be one of those days that it is not that time.

Sleep

Yes I got up and went to church today and I slept a lot yesterday and already had a nap today. This whole being an adult thing very tiring. Well I am off to take, more than likely, another nap.

Do I have any issues

Wow what a question! Yet the answer is an amazingly simple YES!

There are many things in my life that I know are issues including my ability to turn off my emotions and feelings whenever I feel that someone is getting to close to me or could possibly be figuring out who I am and what I stand for. Whenever I feel someone get that close I shut everything off so that ultimately I can't get hurt because I won't let them in.

If live were so easy that I won't ever get hurt I would think that I was the luckiest person alive, yet even with all my attempts to keep myself from getting hurt I end up hurting myself even more. By protecting myself from various forms of attachment and emotional connection I get upset when I am unable to express my emotions to someone who I really care about. I am not just referring to my best friend, although that is a prime example of protecting myself so that I don't get hurt. If he doesn't know how I really feel and what I am really thinking then the pain that I feel is simply my own fault and there is no way to blame others for it. I don't get nearly as upset when I am hurting myself and then no one else can really really hurt me along the way.

I also fear that in many ways I don't deserve to be happy and I don't deserve to feel safe when I am with someone. I know that I feel safe when I am with Eric even at 2 am driving home from Fort Wayne silently in the dark. I can sit in silence and not worry about what he is thinking or about what may come from the conversations that I have with him. He doesn't judge me no matter how many opportunities he has and I can honestly say that when I talk to him I feel happy and safe, and I now wonder if this is part of the reason I can't tell him how I feel. I don't believe that I am worthy of feeling or being either of those things.

There are so many issues that it is hard to even think about putting them all into writing I would be here all day and even then I would have not even begun to work my way through some of the rather strange things that I feel inside and the way that I choose to interact when I am with a group of people or more importantly alone with any one person. I know that I feel safe when I am with my cousin and I can tell her anything and she will not judge me and I hope she feels the same with me because I want nothing more than for her to have all of the things that I don't. I love that she is in love and I love that she is beautiful and I love that she is my cousin. I miss her so much and can't believe that we came out of the same bloodline mainly because even though we both have our issues she is the best thing to happen to me and to this family, even if they don't want to admit it, in an entire generation.

Today has been a thinking day, in case you couldn't tell. Have a good day.

Cold, Colder, Coldest

Today I am freezing and there is nothing I can do about it. I have to do all the same junk everyday and then don't a bit of recognition for it. I am just frustrated that is all.

No real title

Last night I had a wonderful conversion with Eric, that was needed to help me regain a grip on reality and the things that I am facing at the moment. The conversation revolved around opportunities, priorities, and timing of how things are slowly starting to fall into place. There were many humorous quotes that came up though out the evening some from me and some from him and it was good to get a chance to just laugh again.

I miss him so much and he has no idea, or at least that is what I choose to believe. He knows that I care and would love to have him in my life on a more regular basis, yet I wonder if that is the right thing to do. It has been hard trying to find out what where I really want this to go.

There seem to be several songs playing on the radio about looking for love and the whole time it is right in front of you. I feel more and more that it could be happening. I have said before that I love him and I guess a better way to word it is I was infatuation with him and those feelings have lead to a change of heart and have over time turned into love and now I find myself struggling to express that to him more and more.

I'm reminded of a song that I have heard several times over the last few days...

Somebody in the next car,
Somebody on the morning train,
Somebody in the coffee shop that you walk by everyday,
Somewhere out there is somebody.